Terrifying decision, I need help!

[MountainPeak]

I am facing the most difficult decision of my life and really need some advice. I am pregnant (unplanned contraception failure) and the timing of this is terrible. I have 2 boys already. DS1 is 20 with moderate ASD and learning difficulties, he's been hard work over the years, but is much easier now. DS2 is 9, has severe, nonverbal autism and also has leukemia and is at the start of a 2 year treatment programme. Despite his SEN he is actually not terribly hardwork, is a real sweet boy, but obviously now with his illness requires alot of care.
I have been with my partner for 6 years and he is an amazing step dad and the love of my life and he is over the moon about the pregnancy, despite the timing. I am far less positive about the situation. I don't think I can cope with any more stress in my life. The leukemia treatment is tough- harsh chemo, side effects, endless hospital visits. On top of this there is the issue of autism, which clearly comes from me as my children have different fathers. The chances of another child having autism are around 35% for me. Having a baby in this situation would have things harder, having a child with autism would make things hugely more difficult.
I have a termination booked for tomorrow, but am very undecided and my partner is devastated. Due to my age, waiting until after the 2 year leukemia treatment has finished would probably be too late to ttc.
It's now or never, if I choose not to go ahead with the pregnancy I am choosing not to worsen an already difficult situation, but I will hurt my partner, my rock and take his one chance of having his own child.
Any perspectives/advice please x

Good this sounds so hard. I can't bring myself to vote but I think you need to think about whether your relationship would survive a termination, and how you would feel if it didn't.

Is your partner willing to take extended paternal leave to care for the baby? What’s the financial situation?

I also can't bring myself to vote. What a difficult situation, I'm sorry. Maybe imagine both versions of your future and see how you feel? X

So difficult.
Do you have any extended family who might help?
My heart goes out to you

I'm so sorry. This is an impossibly hard decision and unfortunately one that only you can make.

If your situation was different (ie if you didn't have so much going on) would you have wanted to continue with the pregnancy? If not, then I guess, you have got your answer. If yes, is there any way you drum up more support for yourself and your family? Family, services, paid help?

Sorry I can't be of more help. Whatever you decide I wish you all the best.

I'm thinking not to go ahead with the termination tomorrow at least if at all possible, to get more thinking time.

@FindingMeno

I'm thinking not to go ahead with the termination tomorrow at least if at all possible, to get more thinking time.

Yes it doesn't sound like you're ready to decide - how long have you got?

@TheOccupier

Good this sounds so hard. I can't bring myself to vote but I think you need to think about whether your relationship would survive a termination, and how you would feel if it didn't.

This was meant to say GOD this sounds so hard. Not "good". Sorry.

Jesus, that's incredibly tough.

I don't think any decision you would take here would be unreasonable. It's just an impossibly tough situation. You can't be all things to everyone always, you need to prioritise those in your family who are most in need - and your own sanity.

What awful timing of everything.

Would you being pregnant affect your ability to be with ds2 during his treatment? If the toxic chemo would pose a risk to your unborn child meaning that you couldn’t be with ds2 then that might swing things for me.

Don’t have the termination tomorrow you’ve not made up your mind properly. You need a bit more time.

Thank you for your answers and also for not judging me.

My partner has given me so many options to try and increase my confidence to keep the baby. He is self employed and started to save money to take a few moths off when/if the baby was born. He has said that if I find it too much then he will give up work and be a stay at home parent and I can return to work. He is basically trying everything in the hope that something will make me think this situation is workable.
If this had happened unexpectedly, without the leukemia issue? I still don't think I would have been over the moon as I made a decision after my second child's autism diagnosis not to have any more children. However I think I would have been more confident that we could manage another child, autism or not.

This is my first ever post - I had no idea what the vote thing was....thank you for not voting x

I think a lot depends on how much of the massively increased “workload”, would be taken on by your partner. It is very easy for him to be keen to have a baby, if if his career will be left unaffected or minimally affected, whilst this will have a massive impact upon you and your existing children.

Have you thought about what would happen if you had this baby but then the relationship ended at some point? Could you manage 3 autistic children plus caring for your son through chemo, on your own?

Tough decision

Oh crikey I don’t know what to say but what a difficult decision, Keating is right you can’t be all things to everybody.

But if you went back to work, who would support your son through his chemo?

I am worried about this too. I know my partner would not resent me, he loves me too much, but I know I would carry the guilt of hurting him always and that would impact our relationship.

Oh you poor woman.

What a load you carry.

Starting all over again with a baby and the high chance of autism, would be a no from me.

I think you are right think about the sheer load and starting another 18+ years, longer if you have SEN to deal with.

OP, there is NOTHING wrong with you thinking of yourself.

Ultimately it is the woman who carries the load.

Had you and your partner ever talked about TTC?

If you'd both already agreed not to have children then I personally would try not to let an unplanned pregnancy change that decision.

You really do have to think about your existing children and yourself, because if you will exhaust yourself with another child then your existing children will suffer.

I really feel for you Op

Oh, @MountainPeak, what a dilemma.

I can’t advise. But my gut says that having a termination without being sure that’s what you really want would be very difficult.

OP - I have two autistic children and for me I wouldn’t have any more children and they’re both healthy and well and not too tricky at the moment.

I feel spent every day. I don’t have more to give. I’d find it for my existing children but adding a new baby into the mix? No way.

You make the decision for you but make it with open eyes.

Your body, your decision, not your partner's. I have a strong impression that you would like to go ahead with your termination. If so, put yourself first.

Gosh this is really difficult. Your partner sounds very supportive but there are lots of extenuating circumstances here. I don't think anybody could blame you for any decision that you take, sending lots of strength and luck to you.

Life is so so cruel op

The point is that the care for this child will inevitably fall on you

I get your partner is devastated but he needs to understand that his baby deserves care and attention and focus
Which there is no way in hell you can provide when handing your youngests illness
Is he going to take 2 years off to care for this babe ? No , probably not

I’d say the argument of what a new baby deserves and won’t get with your situation is a compelling one

Good luck and strength with whatever you deciden

I assume you had already made it clear to your partner that you didn't want anymore children? If so I think you're absolutely right to go through with the termination.

This is a really tough situation but you are being absolutely rational about it.

You have a 9 yr old and a 20 yr old and it sounds like you've had so much difficulty already. Why risk adding to it? Why go right back to the beginning again? What about your life and ambitions that don't include having a baby every 10 yrs? I get that your partner is disappointed but you have so much at stake here.

It’s a hard situation and I’m sorry you are going through it.

For me, I approach it by prioritising the children I already have. With all that pregnancy entails - especially as you are older now - and with a baby, how would that affect your ability to support and look after your 9yo with his SEN and leukaemia?

Your partner has presumably been happy to be in a relationship for 6 years knowing you will not have children together.

Whatever he promises, it won’t be him going through it. And when it’s not the rose garden of parental joy he imagines, he’ll be the one who can walk away. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve seen it happen to; reality is a lot harder than childless men think when they’re promising the Earth.

Whatever you decide, make sure the decision is best for you and your children. The fact you’ve booked a termination implies you know that’s what you want but his pressure is making you feel guilty.

Never feel guilty for making a choice to continue with or terminate a pregnancy.

Take care. And i hope your little boy is well soon.