Terrifying decision, I need help!

[MountainPeak]

I am facing the most difficult decision of my life and really need some advice. I am pregnant (unplanned contraception failure) and the timing of this is terrible. I have 2 boys already. DS1 is 20 with moderate ASD and learning difficulties, he's been hard work over the years, but is much easier now. DS2 is 9, has severe, nonverbal autism and also has leukemia and is at the start of a 2 year treatment programme. Despite his SEN he is actually not terribly hardwork, is a real sweet boy, but obviously now with his illness requires alot of care.
I have been with my partner for 6 years and he is an amazing step dad and the love of my life and he is over the moon about the pregnancy, despite the timing. I am far less positive about the situation. I don't think I can cope with any more stress in my life. The leukemia treatment is tough- harsh chemo, side effects, endless hospital visits. On top of this there is the issue of autism, which clearly comes from me as my children have different fathers. The chances of another child having autism are around 35% for me. Having a baby in this situation would have things harder, having a child with autism would make things hugely more difficult.
I have a termination booked for tomorrow, but am very undecided and my partner is devastated. Due to my age, waiting until after the 2 year leukemia treatment has finished would probably be too late to ttc.
It's now or never, if I choose not to go ahead with the pregnancy I am choosing not to worsen an already difficult situation, but I will hurt my partner, my rock and take his one chance of having his own child.
Any perspectives/advice please x

I feel for you OP. This is a horrible situation to be in and there are no right or wrong answers. I think a consideration for me would be what quality of life the Dc3 would have. Even if they are NT, as you all get older how much will they have to take responsibility for their siblings, how much would they miss out on if their older brothers need their parents time and attention? I think that would sway me towards an abortion but that’s easy to say from an outsiders perspective, ultimately only you can decide.

Due to my age, waiting until after the 2 year leukemia treatment has finished would probably be too late to ttc

If a year from now, your child is recovering sufficiently to have some confidence in how you will manage as a family going forward, you can always revisit then? It may be a now or never moment with a two year plus time frame, but you may know sooner than that how things are likely to progress. You don't need to close the door entirely on the possibility of children in the future, but if it is too much right here right now, then that is okay op. We are not robots we can not take an infinite amount of stress and worry. I salute your lovely dp, but now he needs to show you really are more important than anything else, and put his own wishes to one side for the time being.

This is so hard OP. Whatever decision you make will be the right one.
For me it would really depend on your partner. If he is genuinely willing to be more of a traditional mother figure to the baby come what may (including if the baby also has special needs) I would have the baby. Babies are hard work but can bring so much joy. If you really trust your partner I would do this for him.
I do agree with the concept though that this is your body and your choice entirely though so whatever you decide do not go back and never feel guilty or doubt yourself either way.

Can only really talk about the leukaemia. My child had ALL (which it sounds like this might be) aged four and then two years of treatment. As long as all goes well, the first seven weeks is the very worst, the first six months is hard, but by the time you get into year 2, it's all about once a month chemo and steroids for three days at a time. By then, things are looking up in terms of your life getting back to normal. Your partner might have to be very involved with the chemo/steroids that you give at home if you were pregnant/breastfeeding.

I feel for you. However as you said the only thing that’s swaying you is your partners feelings and if you take him out of the equation you’d be in no doubt about having a termination. Also as you made the decision not to have any more and you were using contraception then I presume that means he was aware that you didn’t want anymore and was ok with that? It’s very unfair of him to now put pressure on you and promise the world to get you to keep the baby, especially when he’s never had any of his own and is probably looking at the situation through rose tinted glasses. And saying he’d give up work to become a stay at home dad leaves you under pressure as the main breadwinner and him in a vulnerable financial position.

There just seems to be too many cons and the pros all hinge on your partners promises which let’s face it, are just that.

I hope whatever you decide works for you.

If your DP's priority is having a child, he still has the opportunity to pursue that. But you can't have a baby simply to make him happy. Not when you have so much on your plate already.

I'm sure he's a good SF but pressuring you to keep the baby when you have a child facing two years of cancer treatments is maybe a little bit selfish.

Even if the baby was born NT, would it really be fair on him/her? Your existing children take all your time and mental energy. They will continue to need that care for a long time. There are several posts on MN on different threads where the poster explains how hard it is to be the NT child, how their needs are never put first because the ND children take all the parents' time, where all activities have to be centred on what the siblings can and can't do, and where they're just expected to get on with it, often from a much earlier age than would be normal. The ND siblings become a burden on them too.

That sounds blunt and may offend some parents of ND children. It's almost certainly not what you would intend to do if you had this baby. But real life tends to get in the way. Not just for the next two years of chemo, but after that too. Maybe another aspect to consider.

how would you cope with the treatment your son has to have and a pregnancy wher eyoure sick all the time-yes it might get beter but it might not

also what if he has to have radiation therapy you cant possibly go with him being pregnant

theres just too much going on right now i dont think youre pessimisitc youre realistic-your partner has no idea how it will feel for you

Ok - there is no nice, tactful way to say this so I will just blurt it out and be damned.

Is there any chance that your son will need a bone marrow transplant in the future? And what are the odds of a half sibling being a match?

It sounds awful - “have the baby - it may be useful for spare parts”. But having had the thought it would have been wrong of me not to share it.

Oh OP, how awful.

I know you say your partner is wonderful; but does he know how incredibly tough the first few years with a baby are?

Because the worst outcome that I can see is if you have the baby and he leaves at some point, leaving you alone with 3 kids, one of which you only had for him.

I would say your focus has to be your existing boys, particularly the 9 year old and his treatment. He needs his mum right now.

It shouldn't come down to this, but sadly in life it often does - how well off are you? Basically can you afford to not work and also outsource pretty much everything (cleaning etc) in order to have enough time for your son and also the new baby? How much support can you partner realistically give?

Do you have supportive family around?

I just think it could be possible in some situations, and completely untenable in others. And only you will know if your family can cope with it.

Crikey.

What a position to be in. And that's before the pregnancy. It's a tough time for sure.

No easy answer but I think the right thing right now is to not continue with the pregnancy with a view to considering it as an option in a couple of years.

I hear you say that age might be against you and that will be a factor to consider then.

Remove a challenge in your life, don't add one. If you are already feeling awful with sickness it's already impacting you hugely I'm sure.

I am so appreciative of the time you have all taken to respond to me - I feel very humbled by the kindness of strangers.

I decided to act whilst I had come to a conclusion and have had a very emotional and honest conversation with my partner about my decision. He hugged me, told me that I was his priority in this situation and that some things are not meant to be.
I feel both terrible about my decision and relieved. I expect the next few days are going to be difficult and this is something I will have to carry with me for the rest of my life. But its the right decision. I need to give my all into helping my son through chemotherapy and the times that I have to myself need to be for my eldest (who has had far less of my time since the diagnosis) and for my partner.

Thank you for helping me.

@MountainPeak 💐💐 all the best to you and your family. Hope you find a little peace now in the midst of turmoil

I’m so glad that you have felt able to come to a decision. Best wishes to you, and to your partner. I also wish you all the best for your son’s treatment. Do not beat yourself up about this - you are only human and no-one can take on extra responsibilities indefinitely without breaking.

@BigSigh2021

I’m so glad that you have felt able to come to a decision. Best wishes to you, and to your partner. I also wish you all the best for your son’s treatment. Do not beat yourself up about this - you are only human and no-one can take on extra responsibilities indefinitely without breaking.

What @BigSigh2021 said in spades. There are no easy decisions, and it sounds like you've made the best possible decision you can with a really bad hand dealt to you.

And FWIW, your partner sounds like a top bloke who will help you carry this decision. You don't have to shoulder it alone.

Wishing you nothing but positivity and strength in the coming days.

He hugged me, told me that I was his priority in this situation and that some things are not meant to be. I feel both terrible about my decision and relieved

I am really so relieved for you. Be strong op

Your partner sounds like an amazing source of support. I hope your little boy’s treatment goes well. Look after yourselves. x

You and DP sound like incredible people. You deserve each other and every bit of kindness that comes your way.

You know you made the right decision, if there really was any "choice" in the first place. Doesn't make it easier. Do seek counseling. That's a lot on your plate no matter how incredible you are.

I am glad you have such a wonderful dp to help you through what is going to be a tough patch and you are keeping yourself safe, strong and well for your nine year old. So many of us have done the same without a fraction of the compelling reasons you certainly have. I certainly would do the same as you in your position. I am so glad your dp understands, and is putting you first, what a keeper!

Grit your teeth now, it is okay, you have got this. I felt nothing but relief after mine, not everyone feels guilt and shame, some of us feel totally and utterly relieved with the biggest weight lifted. Sometimes doing the right thing for everyone involved is the most challenging of roads to choose, but overloading yourself at this point is so very risky and dangerous for your whole family. For what it is worth, I really think you have made the right decision.

Glad to hear you had a good chat with your DP and he was very supportive. Wish you all the best. Maybe do look into a little bit of counselling for after even if it is only one or two sessions. I know you'll understandably be very caught up with your son, but if you can have your own emotional health in good shape you will be better able to help him.

Very best wishes, @MountainPeak. And I agree with those suggesting you try to find time for a session or two of counselling. You sound understandably in the case of your children entirely caught up in other people's needs. It would be good to focus on yours for even an hour or two in order to figure out ways of nourishing yourself.

Very glad to hear he's being supportive.

FWIW I think you're making the right decision.

Wow you are amazing.
Never going to be easy but you exude strength.
All the best to you.

You and your partner sound incredible in the face of a heartbreaking decision. For what it’s worth I would, with sadness, have made the same decision. Wishing your youngest son as smooth and successful a journey through his treatment as possible and that your eldest continues his steps towards independence

@MountainPeak I'm pleased you've. One to a decision. Make peace with that decision, it's the right choice for you.

I wish you all the luck in the world. For all of you. Xx