Terrifying decision, I need help!

[MountainPeak]

I am facing the most difficult decision of my life and really need some advice. I am pregnant (unplanned contraception failure) and the timing of this is terrible. I have 2 boys already. DS1 is 20 with moderate ASD and learning difficulties, he's been hard work over the years, but is much easier now. DS2 is 9, has severe, nonverbal autism and also has leukemia and is at the start of a 2 year treatment programme. Despite his SEN he is actually not terribly hardwork, is a real sweet boy, but obviously now with his illness requires alot of care.
I have been with my partner for 6 years and he is an amazing step dad and the love of my life and he is over the moon about the pregnancy, despite the timing. I am far less positive about the situation. I don't think I can cope with any more stress in my life. The leukemia treatment is tough- harsh chemo, side effects, endless hospital visits. On top of this there is the issue of autism, which clearly comes from me as my children have different fathers. The chances of another child having autism are around 35% for me. Having a baby in this situation would have things harder, having a child with autism would make things hugely more difficult.
I have a termination booked for tomorrow, but am very undecided and my partner is devastated. Due to my age, waiting until after the 2 year leukemia treatment has finished would probably be too late to ttc.
It's now or never, if I choose not to go ahead with the pregnancy I am choosing not to worsen an already difficult situation, but I will hurt my partner, my rock and take his one chance of having his own child.
Any perspectives/advice please x

This is such a difficult situation,my child has severe non verbal autism to ,which can be very hard and that's with out the leukemia,I'm 48 ,so too old for more babies ,this is something only you can decide 💮

That was supposed to be flowers 💐

In your shoes? I would terminate personally. I would need to put my existing children first. Supporting your son through chemo is going to be so draining, I cant see how you would add pregnancy and a newborn into the mix.

So sorry for this awful situation you are in.

This is so hard for you all.
My instinct on this one (and I'm absolutely pro-choice) is to stay with the pregnancy, with the following thoughts:

Your relationship with your partner may not recover from ending the pregnancy
You are going to need support through your child's cancer treatment so your relationship with your partner is important - he sounds like a keeper!
Potentially organisations like McMillan and local child cancer charities might be able to offer some practical help during the treatment
Your 20 yr old is presumably going to be able to move into some sort of supported living at some stage.
The pregnancy could end naturally
Your partner is willing to take the chance of a risk of autism

Either way is hard for you potentially. But I see the pregnancy as the one with the best outcome longer term.

I'd take some more time to decide... And cancel the TOP for tomorrow... (assuming you still hace that window).

Thank you all for your advice.
I am 10 weeks and so I could postpone tomorrow, though the longer I leave it the less likely I am to do it. I have left it this long as I am so torn. I have cried every day for the last 6 weeks, feel really overwhelmed by the situation and mentally low. It hasn't helped that I have had extreme nausea from 5 weeks (I never experienced this in pregnancy before) - from the moment of opening my eyes until going to sleep. I've been prescribed medication for it, which doesn't help. I feel physically and mentally exhausted from it and the emotional strain of the decision.
Talking about this now is actually providing some clarity, I think. I don't think I can put myself under this amount of stress and I need to be on top form to see my son through his illness.

Oh OP, what a difficult situation. But the bit that stands out for me is that you never wanted this baby - it sounds like you'd always planned to stick with the two you have and you and your DP certainly weren't trying.

And then, on top of that, you're about to start two years of treatment for a devastating disease. With a child who already has significant challenges.

I sympathise with your DP's instinct that he wants to keep this one. But I also think he's being very selfish to not realise how impossible it is. And how unfair to ask you to put yourself through 9 months of pregnancy while ALSO dealing with leukaemia treatments and all the trauma that involves, never mind having another small child.

I am very sorry for your situation.

Very best wishes to you, OP (and also for your younger son's recovery). You already sound as if you're coping with lots of difficult things. I don't know what you think people would be judging you on -- you sound admirable.

I think in your shoes I would absolutely terminate. It sounds to me as if, were it not for your partner (ie, if you'd accidentally got pregnant from a ONS), you would be absolutely embracing the termination. And I think in this situation, I would be putting myself and my existing children first, unapologetically.

To be blunt, relationships come and go, as you will know yourself with children from two different previous relationships that have ended but your children are your children forever, and more so in your circumstances, with two children with significant SEN, even leaving aside your younger boy's illness. How much of the care of your two existing sons is done by their fathers?

Just reread my post and it sounds like I thin you're the one with leukaemia. Just to clarify, I totally get that it's your DS!

What a horrendous time for you. I really feel for you. If it was me - I’d terminate. I think I’d feel that I just had to concentrate on my child with leukaemia and all that’s going to entail. Good luck with your decision - there’s no right or wrong.

It's such a difficult decision

For me part of the decision would be around my current partner...

Would the r/s survive either the termination or, having the termination?

Have you had medical opinion that the ASD you 2 existing kids has been heritable? And through you? Rather than just luck?

If you go ahead with the pregnancy, how SURE are you that he'd do what he says and takes time away from work to do a large share?

They're both unbelievably hard choices, in that it seems you don't feel certain that a termination is the right choice for you, but you feel understandably that you have nothing left to give and another child would be too much. Where you are no one can advise you what is right. Do you have time to delay for a week or two? Does the place you've booked your termination through have counseling services? Someone impartial to talk it through with could be useful.

You say your DP is an amazing step Dad, but how involved is he in day to day care? Does he help carry the mental load of parenting? How does he react if your DS2 is distressed or having a meltdown? I think sometimes it's easier to deal with those when it's not your child.

My STBXH struggles with our Autistic DC, struggles to cope with the meltdowns and anxiety and hitting out. It is a lot harder with 3DC with SEN, than it was with 2. It feels impossible to meet all the children's differing needs, but that would be a lot easier IF their father was a genuinely good involved father.

OP I know this is a slightly different situation but my cousin had multiple health conditions and needed a heart transplant. He was in his early 20s so older than your son, but his mom decided to adopt a child after his planned transplant had fallen through the 3rd time as there were issues with the donor hearts.

My cousin was devastated. He felt like he'd already been replaced.

I know this is an impossibly hard decision. I just wanted to give you a different perspective from the son who's been ill. Your partner sounds brilliant and you know your son is going to need you.

I'm sorry you're going through this and I really wish you all the best; whatever you all decide

This is a hard decision but whichever way you choose you will cope, so don't let it drag you down.

Ultimately you have to make the decision based on what you want. However much you love your partner and how good a man he is. What if the relationship broke down in the future or something happened to him. You have to want a child. But if you do and it's just not the right time. Well anyone could say that your circumstances do sound incredibly tough but tell me that you already must be made of tough stuff already. Whatever you decide do it for you.

What a difficult decision.
Only you know the right answer but the fact that you’re on here suggests you’re not 100%.

I fell pregnant after I was raped, my son (severe autism) was very young. I was living in a half built bedsit with no kitchen, single, in massive debt.
I made the decision to have a termination because of my situation.

I have never regretted anything more. It has been over ten years and I still think about what could have been. You have a home, a loving partner and ok it’s not an ideal situation by a long shot but maybe it’s meant to be? If your partner is devastated and as lovely as you say then he will support you.

You still have some time so I recommend seeking some professional counselling for both of you (does the TOP clinic offer it?) it will help you make a clear decision and help your DP to understand your decision and feel part of it so that he doesn’t hold it against you if you decide to terminate. He does sound supportive so I would try hard to include him so he doesn’t feel like his opinion is worth nothing. You want him to stick around and continue to support you with your DS. I hope his treatment goes well. Good luck

Nothing to add to the very good advice above, just so sorry you're having to deal with all this OP

Does you partner have children already or would this be his first/only biological child? My feeling (and what I've seem from a friend in a similar situation) is that he should/would be pretty motivated to step up to do a lot of the heavy lifting here - school run, homework help etc. I think that might make it workable and hence my feeling is that you could keep the baby maybe.

I don’t think I could ever say “your body, your decision” as it is more complex than that. But I think there are situations when termination is the least worse option and this kind of feels like one of those times. You would be heaping more and more upon yourself and it all sounds like you would put yourself towards breaking point and you don’t deserve that.

I think that there is a chance it will lead to the breakdown of the relationship though, and I could understand that from his point of view too. But if that happens, well so be it.

God, this is so hard. But reading your account, it sounds like you'd be doing it for your DP and, much as you love him, he doesn't get the casting vote in this situation. You have to set other people's wants and needs aside for short while, and work out what you want - and what you can cope with - for yourself.

I don't think anybody in the world could judge you. What a tough situation.

Oh what a hideous decision. I feel for you.

I guess you need to decide whether your relationship is worth keeping at the cost of bringing another child into a far from ideal situation - it's the kind of thing which does end one.

I know what I would choose and it wouldn't be that. There could be other pregnancies and there could be other relationships.

So sorry you're facing this.

Op take your partner out of the equation...how do you feel about the pregnancy? Is there any part of you that wants to continue with it? If not I think a termination is your best option...

I continued with a pregnancy that I wasn't 100% sure about because of a relationship and I absolutely adore my baby but the relationship is gone and I'm a single mother and it's so damn tough especially when I wasn't 100% committed to continuing the pregnancy.

You have so much going on in your life op, it's OK to prioritise the kids you have and prioritise yourself

@billy1966

Oh you poor woman.

What a load you carry.

Starting all over again with a baby and the high chance of autism, would be a no from me.

I think you are right think about the sheer load and starting another 18+ years, longer if you have SEN to deal with.

OP, there is NOTHING wrong with you thinking of yourself.

Ultimately it is the woman who carries the load.

Agree with this. Do what is best for you, and if that's a termination so be it. Your partner has to see the difficulties for you, if he's a decent man, and your existing children take priority. Take care and good luck.

Couldn't read and run @mountainpeak. I have no advice, only huge hugs and prayers for your son.

You need to do what is best for you and the family as a whole.

My only thought on the matter is how would your older boys feel if they knew their health issues were impacting your choice, I don't mean that in any way as a mean comment but would they maybe see it that had you know what you were getting with them you may not have continued those pregnancies? Not a judgement or criticism just something to consider maybe