Terrifying decision, I need help!

[MountainPeak]

I am facing the most difficult decision of my life and really need some advice. I am pregnant (unplanned contraception failure) and the timing of this is terrible. I have 2 boys already. DS1 is 20 with moderate ASD and learning difficulties, he's been hard work over the years, but is much easier now. DS2 is 9, has severe, nonverbal autism and also has leukemia and is at the start of a 2 year treatment programme. Despite his SEN he is actually not terribly hardwork, is a real sweet boy, but obviously now with his illness requires alot of care.
I have been with my partner for 6 years and he is an amazing step dad and the love of my life and he is over the moon about the pregnancy, despite the timing. I am far less positive about the situation. I don't think I can cope with any more stress in my life. The leukemia treatment is tough- harsh chemo, side effects, endless hospital visits. On top of this there is the issue of autism, which clearly comes from me as my children have different fathers. The chances of another child having autism are around 35% for me. Having a baby in this situation would have things harder, having a child with autism would make things hugely more difficult.
I have a termination booked for tomorrow, but am very undecided and my partner is devastated. Due to my age, waiting until after the 2 year leukemia treatment has finished would probably be too late to ttc.
It's now or never, if I choose not to go ahead with the pregnancy I am choosing not to worsen an already difficult situation, but I will hurt my partner, my rock and take his one chance of having his own child.
Any perspectives/advice please x

I won’t vote either.
I don’t envy you this heart wrenching decision.
Good luck either way.

Realistically, you are not your partner's only chance of having his own child.

He could leave you whether you have the baby or not, so you need to think about yourself only.

@Terminallysleepdeprived

Couldn't read and run *@mountainpeak*. I have no advice, only huge hugs and prayers for your son.

You need to do what is best for you and the family as a whole.

My only thought on the matter is how would your older boys feel if they knew their health issues were impacting your choice, I don't mean that in any way as a mean comment but would they maybe see it that had you know what you were getting with them you may not have continued those pregnancies? Not a judgement or criticism just something to consider maybe

I'm not sure that's a helpful comment particularly considering ,all the other stress,s the op has and I can't see how it's relevant to the Op,s current situation .

Your dp can still have children. If you can't commit to this pregnancy I don't think you have a choice. Don't feel guilty.

I have no advice but just wanted to send some support, there's no easy answer and I hope whatever your decision is you will be supported by those around you

Hello @MountainPeak - we've moved your thread over to Pregnancy Choices. This has also removed the voting option. Best wishes.

OP I dont know what I'd do, sorry that's no help at all.

You don't want to continue the pregnancy. I think your reasons are all absolutely correct. Do not be guilted into destroying your life and your sons' lives for this.

Sorry you're in this position but from here, the answer looks very obvious. Have the termination.

Oh, I really do feel for you.
In all honesty though, I think you were right to book the termination.
Your partner may be all singing and dancing now but when things get tough (and he doesn’t know yet how difficult babies and toddlers can be) he may leave and then what?
Also, it may have a dramatic effect on your other 2 children with a baby in the house.
You are going through enough, I wouldn’t pile anything more on myself.
It is completely your decision though and you sound like a great mum so I’m sure you will be strong whichever path you choose to take.

I have no advice, just wishing you the best in whatever decision you make.

I wish your son well, it must be very tough.

Thank you for taking the time to answer my post.
My partner doesn't have any biological children of his own, this is his chance. And I do believe him that he will deliver on the support that he promises. He is just as hands on with my boys as I am. Even with my son with leukemia, he takes time off work to split hospital treatments, spend nights in hospital with him when he can see that I am exhausted. But I have tried to tell him that adding a baby into the situation would add pressure that could potentially put a strain on our relationship - but he doesn't agree. He is an eternal optimist about everything (I am the opposite) and desperately wants this baby.

A couple of people in this thread have asked what my thoughts are, if I were to take my partner out of the equation. That was a really powerful thing to ask, because I knew instantly that I would not want to have this baby, with everything the way that it is, if it were not for my partner and his feelings on the issue. I think that has answered my question. I did have a counselling session last week and the counsellor summarised that I would ultimately have to choose between my partner or my own mental wellbeing. These past 6 weeks have been so difficult and have made this situation so much more stressful and the baby isn't even here.
Thank you everyone, you've really helped me.

Gosh you poor thing, what a lot to be managing. I hope your DS' treatment goes as well as it can 💐.

I think in your situation I would have to have a termination. Heartbreaking though it is, your dc's needs are the priority & your youngest will need you heart & soul through his illness.

You will also need the occasional time to rest & recharge that you can get which with a baby/ toddler will be v. difficult.

Your partner needs to be able to put the needs of your dc first too. Your youngest has to be the priority now.

Are dc's dads are around & very able to step up & take on the majority of care for them, with your DP looking after the new baby? If the dads/ other trusted people can all be there whole heartedly, then this may sway the decision.

I'd definitely accept any counselling offered by the termination service to help you with the decision & if needed, afterwards x

I can hear the pain in your message, and I am so sorry for you.

This is how I see it.

Your dp knows that you are going through hell on earth, he knows that the pregnancy is going to be too much whilst supporting a child through cancer. He should not have put any pressure on you either way, and should have immediately supported your decision to terminate. Understanding the terrible consequences to you and your body, and the possibility of going through this all again with a third child that could easily have severe difficulties as well.

You have to acknowledge this could damage your relationship, but what if it doesn't last and you are left in an even worse position?? No relationship is bullet proof, he could walk out tomorrow.

I would focus on your child, the one that is here now and living and needs so much of your time and energy, and tell your dp continuing the pregnancy could cost you everything, you could end up having a nervous breakdown with the stress that is already on you.

I would 100% get some counselling, and don't be pressured into continuing due to pressure from someone else. Your dp may not feel quite so overjoyed if the baby has severe disabilities. He is seeing this through rose tinted glasses, but you know otherwise.

He HAS to put you first op. It may break his heart, but so will seeing you crumble under the strain. Look after you.

Starting all over again with a baby and the high chance of autism, would be a no from me.

This. And also the only reason to have the baby is for your DP, so as not to damage the relationship. He's clearly a great partner and step-dad, but even the strongest relationships can end for all kind of reasons, as you know from having split with the fathers of your two DC - and in this situation, he could continue to be great but the stress and resentment could still break you if you have the DC. This one may well be the love of your life but the only relationship you know will last is you and your DC and I just wouldn't risk ending up being the lone parent to three DC in this situation. Sorry it sounds so so tough, but I would move things on as swiftly as possible as it will only get harder. If you could have done something about it six weeks ago, imagine how much relief you'd feel already. There would still be tears no doubt, but it would be done and you could be back where you were - not planning a third DC and dealing with your very full plate. My heart goes out to you.

Can you contact the health visitor and find out what extra support may be available to you in your circumstances, and see if they can help you access counselling so you can be really sure you make the best decision for you that isn't influenced by other people's opinions and helps you cope with everything that you are going through.

I know someone who recently went through the same journey you're about to embark on, with their dc. It took so much out of them I can't see how they would have dealt with a pregnancy/new baby at the same time. Having said that, it could be something happy to look forward to at what is certainly going to be an extremely difficult time. It's such an impossibly hard hard decision, and I honestly don't know what I would do. I think you need to trust your heart on this one.

It sounds like you have made your decision Op ,I wish you and your family all the best 💐

Best of luck op. For what it's worth I think that's obviously the right decision for you. And i think you sound like an absolutely brilliant mum and very clear eyed and realistic about life (not pessimistic)

Also, having had a termination myself at around 11 weeks (which was fine), I would not postpone it any further.

Hope it all goes as well as possible and that your son makes a good recovery.

It's a very difficult situation all around but you need to think about the long term rather than the next 2 years - your eldest is an adult and, whilst may require some support, is if an age where you can consider a transition to living elsewhere whether it's supported or fully independent, your youngest has a horrible two years ahead, no point sugar coating that, but in 2 years he'll be 11, and getting more independent as he goes to secondary school whether that's sen or supported in mainstream.

Babies are very adaptable too, I know you worry about autism but it's far from a given and the genetics aren't straightforward. I'm concerned that it's your head ruling your decision making, yes on paper you have a lot on your plate, but does your heart want another baby? Only you can tell us

35% of disabilities is high. I would be very worried about that even taking away everything else you are contending with.

Will it really be a happy if you go ahead? Or will you be drowning in exhaustion trying to care for a newborn and a child with cancer? Even best care scenario?

Btw your partner sounds amazing... stopped at 2 due to autism and getting no support from exh (who never really accepted the diagnosis because she was just like him ummm!)

I wish you the best whatever you decide, and very much hope the treatment works for your son

I'm glad you've achieved some clarity, OP. I wish you peace with the decision and good health for your DS2.

You had decided not to have more children & for 6yrs have been using contraception.

So, there has been a fail, but have your reasons for using contraception changed?

I’m so sorry to hear this OP, it must be incredibly difficult. I can’t offer you any help really other than to say you need to make the right decision for yourself and your little family, and I don’t think outsiders can really advise on that. Maybe delay it slightly to give more thinking time. No-one in their right mind would judge you no matter what you do.