Terrifying decision, I need help!

[MountainPeak]

I am facing the most difficult decision of my life and really need some advice. I am pregnant (unplanned contraception failure) and the timing of this is terrible. I have 2 boys already. DS1 is 20 with moderate ASD and learning difficulties, he's been hard work over the years, but is much easier now. DS2 is 9, has severe, nonverbal autism and also has leukemia and is at the start of a 2 year treatment programme. Despite his SEN he is actually not terribly hardwork, is a real sweet boy, but obviously now with his illness requires alot of care.
I have been with my partner for 6 years and he is an amazing step dad and the love of my life and he is over the moon about the pregnancy, despite the timing. I am far less positive about the situation. I don't think I can cope with any more stress in my life. The leukemia treatment is tough- harsh chemo, side effects, endless hospital visits. On top of this there is the issue of autism, which clearly comes from me as my children have different fathers. The chances of another child having autism are around 35% for me. Having a baby in this situation would have things harder, having a child with autism would make things hugely more difficult.
I have a termination booked for tomorrow, but am very undecided and my partner is devastated. Due to my age, waiting until after the 2 year leukemia treatment has finished would probably be too late to ttc.
It's now or never, if I choose not to go ahead with the pregnancy I am choosing not to worsen an already difficult situation, but I will hurt my partner, my rock and take his one chance of having his own child.
Any perspectives/advice please x

You have been very clear with your partner that you don't want any more children. That hasn't changed.

I'm sorry he's pressuring you, I think he's being unfair.

This is clear cut for me and I would not continue the pregnancy. It’s not about anyone else - not even your two DS’s or your very lovely DP- this is about you. The struggle for you I think is not that you don’t know what to do but that you do: you just need to square it with others in your life. But this isn’t their decision and it’s you that will feel the impact (either way). Focus your mind on making the relationships in your life great knowing the decision has been make to terminate - how do you feel? You have a good thing going with your partner and sons and it’s ok to chalk this up to what it is: a contraception failure X

I knew instantly that I would not want to have this baby, with everything the way that it is, if it were not for my partner and his feelings on the issue.

Then you have to have a termination.

If having his own children were vitally important to him, he should have ended your relationship.

I get that it's different once a pregnancy has happened, but it's just not the same this way around. You'll have to go through the pregnancy. With all the help in the world it's not the same. Feeding, sleeping, everything.

He's never been there for a baby stage.
The pressuring is very unfair.

What a truly hard decision. You sound like you are really struggling with it. I know you said the baby has a 35% chance of being autistic, but that means it has a 65% of not being autistic.

I know people have said you have to do what is right for you and not be pressured by your partner, but I think you have to accept it is a very real possibility that your relationship may not recover from this. From what you have said he is willing to put it the hard work for when the baby is here.

I don't envy your decision. I hope your son recovers quickly from his treatment x

@sittingonacornflake

Had you and your partner ever talked about TTC?

If you'd both already agreed not to have children then I personally would try not to let an unplanned pregnancy change that decision.

You really do have to think about your existing children and yourself, because if you will exhaust yourself with another child then your existing children will suffer.

I really feel for you Op

I think this is the main and most important point for me.

Your existing children.

Your partner needs to understand that you go together on the basis you got together.

I'm sorry but i do believe it is selfish of him not to consider how much more stress another child would be. Both in terms of work for you, and with existing health issues let alone the finances.

I'm a single parent and some days I feel I buckle under the responsiblity of it all. Carry on anyway. And all that with DD being sixteen and healthy as we speak.

Relationships can fall apart when there is too much stress. Imagine if that happened and how you would cope with what is already on your plate without a partner.

I do think this is a point to consider.

This is very tough.

Given that your partner seems committed to taking leave etc, to take a leading role in raising the baby (which is backed up by his parenting role to his step children), I'd personally go ahead. But i can see why you feel as you do, and there aren't rights and wrongs here. The important thing is what is right for you and your family.

Is there any possibility of your son needing a bone marrow transplant? If so, could his sibling (half sibling) potentially be a good match?

Are there other medications that you can try to get your sickness under control before you make a decision? You may well still decide termination is your best option, but at least you know that's because your don't want to continue the pregnancy, rather than the stress of feeling ill plus looking after a poorly child?

I’ve got 4 children,2 have an autism diagnosis,1 we missed the autism ,and the other has some tendency’s too.
All got it from me ,possibly dad too .
Like you I have an adult DS with autism,,mine will never live independently.And a 11 year old DS would might live independently with support.
I can certainly see your dilemma
But only you can decide,as it’s your body .
But maybe it would give your 9 year old something to focus on and look forward too ?
You certainly need more time to decide,so I’d say definitely postpone tomorrow’s appointment.
You have got a decent gap there of 10 years between each of the children,and ten years between youngest child and this pregnancy.
That certainly helped me cope ,as I have the same gaps also
Wishing you well ,and sorry to hear about your youngest

It really sounds like a termination is the best thing for you. You need to focus on yourself and your 9 year old at the moment.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry you're in this situation and I'm just another jumping on to send you strength whatever use that is.

My youngest DC is healthy but severely mentally handicapped and will need care for life. It has nearly broken me and has affected our other DC. I fell pregnant again and my DH was overjoyed when I told him. His face fell when it dawned on him, I didn't feel the same. I couldn't take the risk of another DC that might be disabled. The huge significant difference to your situation is that all our DC are his. I had a termination and it was utterly heartbreaking for both of us but the right decision. There's no way my mental health could cope with a healthy or unhealthy baby as well as our one disabled DC.

If you chose not to terminate and the baby was fine, another consideration is how they would be overshadowed by their older siblings needs. This is something that we as a family have found incredibly difficult and it is our youngest that needs my full attention compared to our older DC. It has had a huge impact on my older DC that don't need my constant care. Sadly we don't get quality time together as a family. I often stay home with our youngest whilst my DH takes the other children out. Maybe that is something that could work with your family dynamic or would it start to feel like 'you and your DC' and 'your partner with his'? as your lives become more separate? Could you imagine if that would cause resentment for you towards him? Hopefully that wouldn't happen.

I hope your partner can support you whatever decision you make , you'll certainly get no judgement from me and many others here and please know you can come back for support anytime

I thought the same as @girlmom21 as awfully sad as it is.
I’m so sorry you’re having such a tough time, I hope your boy gets well soon

Oh you poor love, what an absolute awful situation to be faced with.
The health of both yourself and your poor ds has got to come first, can you honestly see yourself going through the next few months and years helping your ds trough his treatment and finding time for yourself whilst heavily pregnant and with a tiny newborn? That is so, so much to cope with, physically and emotionally.
I hope all goes well for you all, I hope the future turns out to be very bright for you all especially for you and your son

I don’t think your partner is selfish at all, for wanting to have the baby. You are all going through a traumatic time with your DS’s diagnosis. A diagnosis like this can go one of two ways 1) you have too much on your plate to cope with a new pregnancy or 2) you’re reminded of the fragile nature of life and see a new baby as a blessing.

Neither is right, or wrong, and it’s ok to feel wither way (or both at the same time). Your partner has been in your DS’s life since he was tiny, so he is also going through the trauma of the diagnosis. It’s not fair for posters to be calling anyone selfish, in the midst of this family crisis that you’re all facing.

Unfortunately, despite how your DP feels, the ultimate decision comes down to you. As well as the shorty term, try and imagine life in a few years time, with all of the potential outcomes of successful/unsuccessful treatment, a new baby/no new baby, assisted living for your eldest/still being with you, your relationship with your partner etc etc. Everything has to be weighed up, and only you can truly decide what to do.

I’m so sorry you’re facing all of these things, and I hope everything works out for you all.

Honestly, it sounds like you're in a really tough situation where you keep giving your absolute all and the world keeps hitting you with a stick for your troubles.

It also sounds like you're thinking of keeping this baby purely to make your partner happy. He might be a good man, and he might have been good to you, but having a baby for someone else's happiness isn't a strong enough reason, and I think you know that. I sense you're so conflicted because you wish you wanted this as much as him, but it's totally OK to not feel the same.

Whatever you decide, you're going to struggle with it, and I can tell you, it's because you're a really good, really lovely person who just wants what's best for everyone else. The struggle is not going to be because you've made the wrong decision, it's going to be because you can't please everyone in this situation and you desperately want to.

I don't think I could put myself through a pregnancy in the circumstances you describe, but it's your choice and whatever you decide is not wrong. Just make sure it's what you decide.

Thinking of you.

Such a tough decision, I really feel for you. It sounds like you could make both work, although it’s a difficult choice. Can you give your DS the support he needs if you also have a newborn? For me it would be such a head (terminate) or heart (have the baby) decision. Good luck with whatever you decide, it sounds like you’ve been through ao much already.

You have been very honest and transparent about children with your dp, if you decide to discontinue, remind him of your agreement and this doesn't change anything.

In your position I would keep the appointment tomorrow, and get it over with as soon as possible. The longer this goes on for, the more stress and uncertainty and false hope will persist. You are doing this to 'save' your family, you are literally doing this so you can retain your strength to help your dear son, and to be able to cope.
No one can tell you what to do or what your decision should be, we all have different limits and what we are able to cope with.

Your dp came into this relationship knowing your circumstances, knowing your boundaries and accepted them willingly, he will know deep down that you are doing the right thing, not just for you but for your children. He is allowing himself to imagine this fairytale, when nothing will be further from the truth.

His wishes, and not more important than yours, and they are definitely not more important than your young son that needs his mother more than ever.

Lots of men pressure women into continuing with pregnancy’s they don’t want and that’s not ok. We all know a couple of months off work won’t touch it and I think it’s unlikely he will voluntarily be a stay at home dad if it came down to it.

You’re now balancing an unwanted pregnancy, the effects of a birth and years of hard work against your partners temporary hurt feelings.

Men aren’t entitled to babies. This decision is yours alone to make and you should not be pressured into doing something you don’t want to do.

One thing I would say is that no one else has the right to tell you that "you can't do this".
Also, I think the child's father should have more of a say than Mumsnetters who are detached from the situation.

OP. I think you will do what’s best in the end.

Your partner is free to go and have children with someone else if he wants children, he knew your boundaries when he got into a relationship with you so don’t keep a pregnancy you don’t want for him only that’s not fair on the child. If the relationship breaks down because of that then you are no worse off as it will be you and your boys again which you’ve done before.

I think that perhaps attending the appointment tomorrow with a somewhat open mind may be an option for you?

If you feel it is something you do not want to go through with, even at the final moment then give yourself permission to get up and leave, if you feel you have made the right decision then you will be in the right place to go through with it.

I don't envy you for sure and I feel so much for your partner but life throws us some nasty shit sometimes and that's neither of your faults, It sounds like the two of you will be able to support each other either way and I wish you all the best with everything x

I think it’s unlikely he will voluntarily be a stay at home dad if it came down to it.

Why? Its not exactly unheard of. This guy is happy to split time off etc for his step son, so we have no reason to believe he will fail to step up here.

Its still her decision, and it's still the woman that has to give birth, but i don't think there is anything to suggest he will shirk from what he had said.

OP, it sounds like you have found clarity, and I hope your DP supports you, even if he finds it a cause for grief.

I think in your position, one of the things I would consider is not just how any new child's health would factor into the family dynamic of two existing very high-needs children, but also my own heath. Every pregnancy is different, every pregnancy is a risk to the mother, and as we get older that risk increases. Even if you don't want to prioritise your own health (and I think you should), whatever happens to you also happens to your existing children, because you are their primary carer, and I think I'd consider that too much of a risk to manage.

Good luck, OP. I wish you all the strength in the world.

@Hortonhearsadoctorwho Horton, I'm so sorry to hear about this. Please don't beat yourself up - you absolutely made the best decision for yourself and your dch at the time. I've been raped and I have no idea, not even an inkling, of what decision I would've made had I got pg. Have you had any counselling? If not, might be worth it, in order to draw a line under it. I did - very many years after the event - and now I rarely think about it.

Goodness you have a lot on your plate. I wouldn’t even consider having a baby in your situation. I don’t envy you the decision though. It’s a tough one. 💐

Are your DCs' dads involved in their lives? I'm just wondering if there is other support for them if you're struggling with pregnancy, etc.
I'm sorry you're facing all of this. My only advice would be to think ahead to the end of your 9-yr-old's treatment and see if you can see yourself with a 2-yr-old then. Right now you are in the midst of an awful situation but you won't always be there. Have you had counselling with your DP about this? It might help you both

I would wait you don't seem ready to make this decision , it's a horrendous situation I also have 2 children (different fathers) oldest has moderate asd , adhd , learning difficulties etc my youngest doesn't I still made a decision after I had the youngest to not have anymore although husband would have liked more , you need to really think about the children you already have and if adding another child into the mix would compromise there care , also I feel my youngest misses out on a lot due to her brothers disabilities as everything we do is affected by his behaviour etc - have a hand hold it sounds extremely difficult and I wish you the best from one SN mum to another