To not tell dh about termination

[Dolphin20]

I did a hpt this evening and it was positive. I've been worried since dh and I last had sex and the condom split. The following day I took the morning after pill but obviously it failed, most likely because it was around ovulation days. I definitely do not want to have another child as I'm 44 and already have 3 children. My last pregnancy (I was already in my 40's) has taken its toll on me and I couldn't possibly go through that again, so I've decided I will terminate. My dh knows about the morning after pill but he's not aware that it failed. I know he is against abortions except for cases like rape or mother's life at risk. We usually don't keep secrets but this is going to be very difficult as it is and if I can't have his support, I prefer to go through it on my own.
Do you think I'm being unreasonable and should tell him?

And as I said on there of she had the convictions of her actions being "right" then that would not have been an issue.

You think people only want privacy when they've done something wrong? Would you be happy for your partner to discuss your medical history or sex life, for example, or would you expect privacy? Surely if you have the "conviction of your actions being right" then it wouldn't matter what personal things your partner told other people.

And equally that was also the father's child being aborted that he spoke of. And has every right to do so!

Nope. She didn't abort "a child". She aborted an embryo. Possibly a foetus. And it wasn't some shared experience that he has a right to speak about to whomever he chooses, it was a personal medical procedure that she went through and he should have respected her privacy.

It's clear from your emotive language that you simply disagree with a woman's right to choose. I guess you imagine that the other OP deserved to have her privacy invaded as punishment, and that this OP deserves whatever judgement and misery her sexist twat of a husband heaps on her as punishment for her abortion. Fact is, until such time as men are able to take on the risks of pregnancy and childbirth, they quite rightly have no say whatsoever in whether a woman can terminate an unwanted pregnancy. And a kind and respectful partner would behave with decency, be supportive and keep their gob shut to other people.

I would not tell my DH in your shoes. If I knew he was going to find that a really difficult situation, I'd want to protect him from it and process it myself, without dealing with or witnessing his grief too.

I think a lot of posters can be quite black and white about abortion but for many it is a complex issue and every person and couple will deal with it in their own way. You have to do what's right in your own situation. Good luck

And as I said on there of she had the convictions of her actions being "right" then that would not have been an issue.

You think people only want privacy when they've done something wrong? Would you be happy for your partner to discuss your medical history or sex life, for example, or would you expect privacy? Surely if you have the "conviction of your actions being right" then it wouldn't matter what personal things your partner told other people.

So can i have your current bank balance please, and your childrens bank details, and any sexual fantasies you have, and your medical history, .... no you want to keep them quiet, of course you do. Theres nothing wrong with that at all, its private - like the other womans medical history

although on that other thread, I was on the side of the DH as he was aware of the decision and they had made it together

This one - i'm firmly on the side of the DH

He is within his rights to not like abortion. So he shouldn't have one. And that is where his opinion stops being relevant.

And if it's not relevant, and it's your body and your health information, you can decide not to tell him.

The issue for me is that my DH is who supports me with my decisions in difficult times. If yours doesn't, that's really hard.

And a secret is something to tell no one. You can't tell a family member or friend, not if you want to keep it secret.

This is solely your choice as it’s your body.

Sorry that your DH has anti women attitudes on abortion.

Don’t think it’d be at all difficult to keep the secret, and if he did ever find out, those attitudes would be your justification for not informing him.

Your body. That is the most salient point.

He was aware and happy for the morning after pill so presumably doesn't want another child any more than you do.

"I know he is against abortions except for cases like rape or mother's life at risk"

Then I commend him to have a vasectomy so that he never has to worry about his forced birther position in the context of his own relationships. In the mean time the partner who has to take the risk gets the final say.

In the UK men do not have ‘rights’ over the bodies of women they have sex with. Nor do they have ‘rights’ to information about women’s pregnancy choices.

A good thing.

@IcedSpice

although on that other thread, I was on the side of the DH as he was aware of the decision and they had made it together

This one - i'm firmly on the side of the DH

You don't make this decision together. You can discuss it, you can have opinions, you can argue. But it's the woman with the legal and moral right to make decisions about her own body. And that, thankfully, is what any HCP will want, a woman's decision.

I would talk to my DH, but he understands that my body belongs to me. Any man that doesn't forfeits his place in the conversation.

I'd have the termination. Your dh is entitle to his opinion, but this is your body op, so ultimately your choice.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Yes - It is all the womans decision, and if she wants to she can involve the man - apologies I was clumsy

I'd be gutted to not have the support of my DH in something like this - had you not discussed what you would do if something like this happened? What if he somehow finds out you had an abortion without telling him? I don't think I could live with that fear.
Whatever you decide I think the next discussion should be about him having the snip. I hope for your sake he believes in that.

If I knew that telling him would disastrously affect my marriage (and it sounds like it would), and if you are so early that it would effectively only be a period, then I would 100% just do it and not say anything.

It's so early OP that it's only taking tablets. I would do it v soon, and plan a lovely day out with the family for next weekend.

It is absolutely your decision whether to terminate or not and your DH has zero say in the matter. It will be a very hard secret to keep though, will you be able to attend the appointment and manage after care without him knowing? I know you say he doesn't agree with it but once it's done would you continue to keep it secret?

Thank you for all the replies. I really appreciate it.
@OpenTheBloodyWindow it is not black and white indeed!

@C8H10N4O2 ideally he doesn't want more children but if I tell him "the pill didn't work, I'm pregnant". He will think in a million things but abortion will never cross his mind.

@ElspethFlashman yes, it's early days. My (missed) period was only due 2-3 days ago.
Having a termination this early will not affect me emotionally too much (I'm hoping). My telephone appointment is booked for tomorrow but I'm not sure how long it takes to receive the pills after that. I just want to have it done and move on.

@Dolphin20

Thank you for all the replies. I really appreciate it. *@OpenTheBloodyWindow* it is not black and white indeed!

@C8H10N4O2 ideally he doesn't want more children but if I tell him "the pill didn't work, I'm pregnant". He will think in a million things but abortion will never cross his mind.

@ElspethFlashman yes, it's early days. My (missed) period was only due 2-3 days ago.
Having a termination this early will not affect me emotionally too much (I'm hoping). My telephone appointment is booked for tomorrow but I'm not sure how long it takes to receive the pills after that. I just want to have it done and move on.

I am sure you will be completely fine OP. This really is the best decision for you and your DCs. You have our full support here and we are here to hold your hands. I wish I had mumsnet when I needed to make a similar decision. It would have saved me so much heartache and pain. All the best!!!

@Patapouf

It is absolutely your decision whether to terminate or not and your DH has zero say in the matter. It will be a very hard secret to keep though, will you be able to attend the appointment and manage after care without him knowing? I know you say he doesn't agree with it but once it's done would you continue to keep it secret?

To answer your questions: I'm just 4 weeks so it will be pills to take at home. If I do it on my days off fri-sun it's manageable. Usually when I'm sick, dh takes care of the children/ housework by himself so if I need to stay a couple of days in bed it shouldn't be a problem.

If I don't tell him beforehand, I don't see the point of telling afterwards.

@Wheretobuy thank you so much. I'm sorry you had a hard time. Hope you're doing well now

Keep it secret if you think he would pressurise you into continuing an unwanted pregnancy. 100%