To not tell dh about termination

[Dolphin20]

I did a hpt this evening and it was positive. I've been worried since dh and I last had sex and the condom split. The following day I took the morning after pill but obviously it failed, most likely because it was around ovulation days. I definitely do not want to have another child as I'm 44 and already have 3 children. My last pregnancy (I was already in my 40's) has taken its toll on me and I couldn't possibly go through that again, so I've decided I will terminate. My dh knows about the morning after pill but he's not aware that it failed. I know he is against abortions except for cases like rape or mother's life at risk. We usually don't keep secrets but this is going to be very difficult as it is and if I can't have his support, I prefer to go through it on my own.
Do you think I'm being unreasonable and should tell him?

I've discussed this with my DH because I couldn't start with kids again and he'd love to have 2 more. We have 4. He knows my reasons and would support me. It's a shame you can't get to this point with your DH but in your shoes I wouldn't tell him.

@SudokuZebra

Really *@IcedSpice* that was a very rude and unnecessary reply. I'm not for a moment asking the op to help me with my mental health, just warning it had a big impact on me and may be a good idea to seek some independent counselling before making such a life changing decision, first . What in earth is wrong with what I posted ?

What is wrong is assuming that 1) op has not already considered that, and 2) that every woman has mental health issues after a termination.

Virtually every woman in the world, especially those with Internet access, and visitors to websites such as mumsnet, know this already

I'm so sorry that you're in this awful position.

I'm personally not sure I could keep that a secret, but I'd also expect my DH (despite his upset and disagreement) to understand that as the one who would have the be pregnant, give birth and predominately tend to the baby, that it's my decision. We've had this conversation.

If you feel that your DH would make the situation worse and would try to stop you then I wouldn't tell him.

I would suggest you tell someone, perhaps a trusted friend, as you'll need support. To go through it alone would be so much harder.

What does this say about your relationship if you're going to abort in secret? Hardly suggests that it's going to bode well for the future

It's not OP's secret that spells doom for the relationship; it's her husband's extreme sexism. It isn't possible for a woman to be in a healthy relationship with a misogynist. Respecting and valuing a female partner, and holding deeply entrenched misogynistic values are two mutually exclusive things. Unfortunately OP is already married to this prince among men, so in the short term she needs to make a decision that will cause HER the least amount of anguish. Given there's a good chance he will be difficult and unsupportive, I think it's sensible for OP to handle this by herself.

Don't tell him.

And ignore the "oh I couldn't keep a secret from my hubs" types. I could easily keep this secret. We tell children that honesty is the best policy but we all know once we're adults that life isn't so clear cut

Whether I would tell him depends on whether there is any possibility that he would support you despite his views, and the extent to which the whole thing is likely to blow up. Is it possible he’ll put you first or will he be completely fixed in his opinion about terminations?

If it’s the latter, I probably wouldn’t tell him (unless you want to get rid of him!) but also wouldn’t be having sex with him again until more reliable contraception was in place. If he feels this strongly about it, why hasn’t he had a vasectomy?

Like others have said, I really feel for you and sending solidarity x

People here aren’t being pro choice either, they’re being pro abortion, because only those saying the op will look back with nothing but relief have a right to an opinion, apparently.

This is his baby too. There’s a vast difference between not being supportive of someone having a termination in general, and being expected to be supportive of their own child being terminated.

Op you should get sterilised if you’re adamant you don’t want any more children.

Why should he have a vasectomy? People would say the same if he didn’t want children.

Op feels she doesn’t want more children, op is the one who should be sterilised.

Thank you so much for all the replies. You certainly given me food for thought. I never had a termination before and never kept any secret from dh. Yes, I agree it will be hard to keep the secret and I'll really need to think well about it.
This is what's going in my head and why I think he may not understand my decision:
My second pregnancy was a miscarriage, we found out at my 10 week scan that it was a blighted ovum. It affected us both but his grieving period was actually longer than mine. This was 10 years ago and sometimes he still talks with sadness about it;
He grew up in a very religious and big family (he's got 8 siblings);
He's still 39 so he may also not feel as old as me regarding definitely not wanting any more children.

@HerrenaHarridan

It’s your right to do it with or without his consent

I can’t imagine being married and sharing a bed with someone who wouldn’t support my decision in this

Your health comes first... surely?

Completely agree!

People here aren’t being pro choice either, they’re being pro abortion, because only those saying the op will look back with nothing but relief have a right to an opinion, apparently.

You've just completely made this up. At most you are referencing one little spat between just two posters, but otherwise I have no idea what you are referring to.

This is his baby too. There’s a vast difference between not being supportive of someone having a termination in general, and being expected to be supportive of their own child being terminated.

It isn't a child; at the moment it is an embryo. It's OP's body that has to cope with pregnancy and childbirth. She has already said that her last pregnancy was difficult. The expectation is that a man would be supportive of something that is in his wife's best interests and that he would not be sexist enough to imagine that he should have the right to tell her what to do with her own body. That's absolutely a fair expectation.

Op you should get sterilised if you’re adamant you don’t want any more children.

Why? If her husband was unprepared to support an abortion in the case of an unwanted pregnancy, then he should have had a vasectomy or abstained from sex.

I don't think I could be with a person I don't trust to support me.

I don't personally believe on abortions, that's my right to choice, so DH had a vasectomy as he doesn't want more children. We are a team and support each other.

Why should he have a vasectomy? People would say the same if he didn’t want children.

Op feels she doesn’t want more children, op is the one who should be sterilised.

Because he is the one who objects to an abortion in the case of failed contraception. It's OP's decision to weigh up the risks and side effects of sterilisation Vs using contraception and potentially requiring an abortion in the event of a failure (which is unfortunately what has happened in this case). If her husband has an objection to that, then the answer is not to pressure his wife into taking risks she does not want to with her health. It's for him to take responsibility and get a vasectomy.

@AlternativePerspective

People here aren’t being pro choice either, they’re being pro abortion, because only those saying the op will look back with nothing but relief have a right to an opinion, apparently.

This is his baby too. There’s a vast difference between not being supportive of someone having a termination in general, and being expected to be supportive of their own child being terminated.

Op you should get sterilised if you’re adamant you don’t want any more children.

Yeah - that didnt happen

If you are referring to my posts (i really dont know if you are) I said OP has made her decision, she does not want to be pregnant.

Yes it is sad for the father if he does want a child, but until they can make males pregnant, its basically tough. It is purely the decision of the woman (I cant believe this needs explicitly stating)

Its not a baby yet.

OP said: I know he is against abortions except for cases like rape or mother's life at risk

I replie with: So he is anti women then? Anti women having sex for fun, and not actually pro foetus as a lot of "pro lifers" (forced birthers are) and i still stand by it - if you can terminate a pregnancy based on how the conception happened (rape etc) then you are not an advocate for the baby/foetus - you are a forced birther

Do it, just make sure you have someone around you, if nothing else for possible complications/perhaps a handhold through the bleeding. (if you do the pills) It doesn't have to be a very emotional thing, but I was sadder than I thought I'd be tbh. No regrets or looking back in anguish though. All good now.

Of course we won't trust condoms from now on so sterilization or vasectomy will be on the cards after all this surely.

I would absolutely not tell him, its in everyone's best interests to keep it to yourself. It's not a baby it's a tiny cluster of cells. Think of it as a medical procedure. Post on here for support and you will of course be offered counselling and support by the termination provider.
I would avoid telling anyone else in real life to avoid the risk of him ever finding out.
I hope things work out for you

I know you’ve said he doesn’t agree with abortions but how do you think he will actually react OP when you say he won’t be supportive? Will he just be devastated by it (so not telling him is to protect him) or are you worried he will be angry/pressurise you?

I would probably consider getting support from a close friend/family member first then tell him your decision, reasons why and that your decision is final. That way you have been honest with him but then the responsibility is on him what he does next and how he supports you. And if he is unsupportive and tries to pressurise you etc, then I would seriously consider the future of the relationship.

Don’t justify this to strangers on the internet but your reasons are valid. Terminate and don’t tell him. Put it in a box (emotionally) and move on.

Good luck

And agree, don’t tell anyone else either. You don’t need to worry that it will get out down the track.

@Rainy365

I know you’ve said he doesn’t agree with abortions but how do you think he will actually react OP when you say he won’t be supportive? Will he just be devastated by it (so not telling him is to protect him) or are you worried he will be angry/pressurise you?

I would probably consider getting support from a close friend/family member first then tell him your decision, reasons why and that your decision is final. That way you have been honest with him but then the responsibility is on him what he does next and how he supports you. And if he is unsupportive and tries to pressurise you etc, then I would seriously consider the future of the relationship.

I'm imagining he would be too hurt and that would make me feel worse if it makes sense.

I would just do it and tell no one. I would be absolutely fine and just relieved.

However, I do not have or want children and am known to be fairly unemotional about things most of the time. OP may well need support so may need to speak to someone - that person would need to be completely trustworthy though as him finding out later would be very hurtful and likely damage your marriage. Perhaps a confidential helpline?

Sorry to see you are facing this.

I would go ahead and terminate too. I wouldn’t tell a soul. There was a thread recently where a posters DH blurted out to his sister who was considering a termination that his DW had gone through similar and she was devastated. It’s best to keep information like this close to your chest if you don’t want to discuss it in the future.

Not everyone is affected by such issues. You may easily be able to put it behind you and rarely think of it.