How to decide whether to keep baby or not?

[SecondCityShark]

Hi everyone,

I posted last week as I'd just found out that I was very unexpectedly pregnant and lots of people gave me lots of great advice.

My mind was pretty much made up from the second I saw the 'positive' that I couldn't have this child. We used protection and I wasn't wanting to have a baby at all. I'm also at a critical juncture in my career.

I phoned BPAS on Monday to book an appointment and then can't get me in until next week. So I've spent all week mulling this over.

Part of me (weirdly) wants to go with it and I don't know whether that's hormones or whether I have a genuine desire to do this. I'm really confused.

If you'd have asked me two weeks ago if I'd wanted a baby, I would've said 'absolutely not' so sensible me is thinking about that.

But other me is imagining being with my baby and I can't shake that off. Even though I'd decided not to go ahead, I haven't touched alcohol since I found out because I don't want to 'hurt the baby' and these sort of thoughts are plaguing me.

Don't know what to do. I've never been maternal and I've never wanted children but I'm worried about making a big mistake.

Thanks for reading. I know that nobody can make this decision for me, but you are all such a clever, empathetic lot. And I can't really talk to anybody about this in real life.

I took the clear blue test about a week ago and it says that I was 2-3 weeks. So I guess I'm 3-4 weeks now, if that makes any difference to your thinking about it.

For those of you who had big doubts but went ahead, was motherhood all that it was cracked up to be?

Was it as overwhelming (in a positive way) as people say, to the extent that you totally don't mind the sacrifices you had to make?

Write baby on one card, abortion on another and turn them over and arrange them in such a way you don’t know which is which. Then tell yourself you’ll abide by the card you choose. Your visceral reaction to whichever you choose will tell you what’s in your heart.

That's a good idea @FreeBritnee

When I'm alone (DH is here) I'm definitely going to do that.

I think projection is a good idea. Imagine the future. I did this this with an ex once and I knew I had to end it. As I didn't want my future with him.

We're just going to move this thread over to Pregnancy Choices, OP.

For those of you who had big doubts but went ahead, was motherhood all that it was cracked up to be?

I was very ambivilent. The pregnancies were planned, but I want sure I wanted a baby with my first.

It was very very worth it. I think because I came into motherhood with low expectations, it's been much better than i anticipated - at least when they were tiny - I find toddlers far more challenging (still fun in their own way though).

I didn't feel overwhelmed at all, their needs area pretty simple as a newborn, and they can't go anywhere or ask any questions. You kind of learn together. I'm not a worrier though, which probably helped.

The baby just slotted in really. The first few months I just had her on me in the sling and kind of for in with life - I went out for dinner, went to parties etc. Gradually that became more difficult and life became more child centered, but it happened gradually.

I loved becoming a mum more than I thought possible.

This is very difficult. I very much sympathise with you.

This might seem mad what I’m about to say so please no judgment. But I had a planned pregnancy this year. I immediately flipped out and my head went into a spin. I felt like I regretted being pregnant, that I’d be an awful mother and generally that I’d fuc*ed up.

My DH was so very supportive. We spoke and spoke. I also spoke to a counsellor.

I then terminated - with a heavy heart.

I felt relief for about 2 weeks. But since then I’ve been in this weird depression mode. I can’t really shake it. I’ve since found out that my reaction to the pregnancy was normal. Lots of women flip out and it certainly isn’t all cartwheels and roses! I didn’t get myself enough time to calm the hell down.

Do I regret what I did? It felt the best option at the time so had to go with it. 4 months on…..I’m not so sure.

Think hard before you make any choice. It’s impacting either way. Abortion is not the easy way out like I thought it would be.

Thinking of you.xx

@ED81 I'm so sorry you went through that, and I recognise your thought process so no judgement.

What were the things that you made you flip out? Mine are mostly about my career, which seems like a rubbish reason to end it from some perspectives.

But then other times, like when I just read your story, it makes me want to keep my baby. Its so hard

@Babyboomtastic

I think because I came into motherhood with low expectations

I can imagine thats how I'd feel. Babies have never been the big dream for me so there's really nothing for this baby to live up to if I go through with it. I imagine that makes it easier.

Must be awful if you live and breathe the dream of having a baby and then the reality doesn't match up.

OP - massive hug for you. This must be so hard, it’s such a big decision to make.

I just wanted to say that I wasn’t particularly maternal and whilst I love my kids and it was the best thing I’ve ever done…. It has massively affected my career, and it’s really REALLY hard. Your time is no longer your own. Having said that, I look back on my previous life as being emptier than it is now, and I feel like I have purpose in a way I never did before. I’ve gone on to have two more planned children and I feel so incredibly lucky and so incredibly exhausted all the time. I don’t think you’d regret going ahead with the baby, but you may always have “what if” moments about your career choices. Either way, there will be regrets , so I guess it’s which would you rather regret?

Also, if clear blue says 2-3 weeks, you’re actually officially 5 weeks pregnant as clear blue counts from supposed conception, rather than your last period , which is when your pregnancy is counted from. Officially you’re pregnant two weeks before you conceive x

Whenever I have to make a big decision like this I sit in a dark room and try and picture what I want my life to be. Mine is do I want another child. I have thought and thought about it. One night I sat in a dark room took deep breaths and tried to picture what my life would be like with just one child then what it would be like with two from the good and the bad. I made the decision that I want another child as I can see that I felt honestly my family is not done. Though I know I am not going to have him/her physically. I had to be honest with myself and adopting was the only answer that made sense to me. Just need to get the ball rolling stupid covid!!

Op, I understand your fears. I am 10 weeks and only found out at 8 weeks. It was a shock. I have always said I didn’t want children. I was distraught and I also booked appointment with bps but had a week fretting about the appointment and I eventually cancelled it. I just kept thinking would i regret it and the fact it was also already 8 weeks. As soon as I found out I stopped having caffeine, wanted to get folic acid etc even though I was planning to terminate. All these things along with I am nearly 35 took over. I have now made a turnaround completely and all I want is for this life inside me to be safe! It’s insane how that can change but I guess it was my instincts taking over. I am still terrified but I don’t regret this decision at all but I think I would of regretted the other.

What a hard choice for you, the niggling doubt and the time constraint not just of the pregnancy but also how you feel about your age and fertility.

As other posters have said, only you can know in yourself how to move forward. One of the best ways to find clarity is through a counsellor. You can find excellent ones via the BACP website where it’s possible to locate someone who specialises in pregnancy choices. Your experience with your mum understandably is factoring into your decision. In my experience as a mum (and a counsellor) there are things you can work out practically such as finances and work and support and those things it’s not really possible to know about until you have a child. Your mother’s attitude and feelings do not to be yours, again this can be explored more through counselling.

A PP’s thought about the card decision making is really excellent way to note your divided feelings. When you do this you might take a moment to write down the sorts of feelings that you have and what comes up.

I hope this helps in some way.

I had a much wanted pregnancy after fertility treatment, yet for a few weeks early on I contemplated ending the pregnancy as it felt like a mistake. I felt ambivalent about the baby stage but looked forward to having a teen or adult child to share life with.

Talking with others this all seems quite common. Pregnancy hormones can mess with your head.

No particular advice OP, though I’m sorry you’re going through this and having such a difficult time deciding.

From a practical point of view though in case it affects any of your thinking, unless things have changed in the last 4/5 years since I last used one, be aware that the clearblue weeks indicator is from actual conception, not LMP date like the pregnancy itself will be dated - so ‘2-3 weeks’ is roughly 4-5 weeks pregnant, which assumes 2 weeks between LMP date and date of conception. So you may be (a little) further on that you thought.

@SecondCityShark. Thanks for your reply. What made me flip out was the fact I knew life would change. I felt like I liked the way my life was. Do what I want, when I want. I liked it just being me and my DH. It now seems ridiculous. But it was so valid in my own head at that time!

The fear of the unknown was also a big thing too. My anxiety went through the roof and my mood certainly dipped. But hormones and fear are a bad combination.

I don’t agree with what I did but it was correct in that moment. My mental health certainly did suffer afterwards. And I’ll never be the person I was but it’s still relatively new. Like I’ve said, I’m very pro choice by my goodness never did I think I’d be doing it.

Now I’m like “do I try again”. I know that would leave some people aghast.

My whole outlook as changed. I want that family unit. I now look at babies, children and teenagers in a different way. I can barely look at a pregnant woman though….

But that is my experience. Some woman have a termination and never look back. It’s so individual.

I hope you are ok this evening. Be kind to yourself.xx

As soon as I found out I stopped having caffeine, wanted to get folic acid etc even though I was planning to terminate.

This is exactly how I'm feeling @sociallydistained and its really confusing me. I was 100% up for not going through with this, but I've not drunk any alcohol all weekend (normally wine is a weekend staple) and I'm really worried about what damage I've done already. A couple of weeks ago, I had a whole bottle of wine to myself over the course of a saturday (2 glasses in the day in the sun, and 2 in the evening. I normally don't do that).

And then I don't understand why I am worrying about all these things if I'm going to abort. It's a weird mixed feeling. I don't want to hurt it or make it suffer. And yet...

What a head fuck.

The whole sodding thing is a head fuck eh.

Do you have an appointment with a provider yet? I’d definitely recommend the counselling.

What is you husband saying now?xx

This is only a decision that you can make BUT you and partner did have sex and therefore there was always a chance you could get pregnant. I personally don't believe in abortion unless the baby would be at a disadvantage/ or have a disability. I have a 3 yr old and another on the way and I can tell you 100% she is the best thing in my life without a doubt. Looking back my life seemed empty before having her and she is/ will always be my greatest achievement. Don't get me wrong, it's not always easy and it was difficult in the beginning but the bond between a mother and child is something extraordinary. You also need to factor in your age, a friend of mine decided in her mid- late thirties that she wanted to try for kids and she is now 44 and child less. I think you may live to regret this if you decide the timing is not right. I don't mean to sound judgemental. This is only my opinion and it's your decision but you have a baby growing inside you, a life. It's an amazing thing.

I think you need to think about this for longer than you have so far.

There is never a right time on your life to have a baby, btw. There will always be a reason not to!

@SecondCitySharkow how are you feeling today?xx

Hey @ED81 thanks for checking in with me. I feel okay but I think it's a lull of 'false sense of security'. I felt full of energy yesterday and today so that's buoyed me up, and I started imagining having the baby and being really happy about the thought of having 'a baby'.

But then I imagine the baby as a growing child or I imagine trying to sort out the problems it would cause in my career, and I hit a big stumbling block.

I have a meeting with BPAS booked for Thursday so I think that might clarify things for me. I still just really don't know.

I would really like to talk to work about how it might affect things. But there's no way of asking the questions I'd like to ask without sounding callous. Especially if after that conversation, I am suddenly 'not pregnant'.

Why is none of this simple?

Be straightforward with the BPAS people, don't worry about sounding callous (which you do not sound actually), just naturally worried. They've heard it all and will not judge. Their job is to listen and help you make your own decision.

Things like this are never easy but you will get past it.

Yes speak to BPAS and take it from there.

Is there anyone’ at work who has been pregnant? What happened to their career after?

Thinking of you. I know this conflicting feeling so well and it’s awful.xx