How to decide whether to keep baby or not?

[SecondCityShark]

Hi everyone,

I posted last week as I'd just found out that I was very unexpectedly pregnant and lots of people gave me lots of great advice.

My mind was pretty much made up from the second I saw the 'positive' that I couldn't have this child. We used protection and I wasn't wanting to have a baby at all. I'm also at a critical juncture in my career.

I phoned BPAS on Monday to book an appointment and then can't get me in until next week. So I've spent all week mulling this over.

Part of me (weirdly) wants to go with it and I don't know whether that's hormones or whether I have a genuine desire to do this. I'm really confused.

If you'd have asked me two weeks ago if I'd wanted a baby, I would've said 'absolutely not' so sensible me is thinking about that.

But other me is imagining being with my baby and I can't shake that off. Even though I'd decided not to go ahead, I haven't touched alcohol since I found out because I don't want to 'hurt the baby' and these sort of thoughts are plaguing me.

Don't know what to do. I've never been maternal and I've never wanted children but I'm worried about making a big mistake.

Thanks for reading. I know that nobody can make this decision for me, but you are all such a clever, empathetic lot. And I can't really talk to anybody about this in real life.

I took the clear blue test about a week ago and it says that I was 2-3 weeks. So I guess I'm 3-4 weeks now, if that makes any difference to your thinking about it.

To be honest I had/have an amazing career could go all the way the top and thats what I worked for for the longest time. Then when children came along I realised no one ever had good employee on their headstone, most people aren't remembered for the careers they had unless you are a doctor or scientist or generally changing the world in a meaningful way that will get a blue plaque on your house one day. I think most people think they are more indispensable as an employee than we really are (and the Covid redundancies have really highlighted that) you might be considered a valuable employee now....but in 30 years time and nearing retirement and you're no longer the trail blazer you once were 🤔

I have young babies - twins - I still work full time and feel fulfilled by my career but it isn't everything anymore

Please don’t think your relationship with your mother will dictate what kind of mother you will be to your child, it won’t.

If I was in your position, I would have the baby. Do what’s right for you OP, good luck with making your decision

Ah it’s so difficult OP.

However I’d be cautious of advice that disregards work and career though. It is a critical and defining facet of most people’s livres. I (temporarily) lost mine because of pregnancy. I suffered from HG until term and lost my job over it, which resulted in a career gap that was extremely difficult to overcome.

I would disagree with your point about wanting older children; many people find the baby and toddler stages tough (I did) and find they enjoy their kids more after 4/5 years of age. Don’t automatically think you could imagine the cuddly baby stage but not beyond that as the reality could be the reverse. (Babies actually aren’t very cuddly I found; more squirmy & wriggly! 5-year olds are though!).

I realise this has probably done the opposite of crystallising your thinking, but I wanted to add these perspectives as they relevant.

@SecondCityShark

Hey *@ED81* thanks for checking in with me. I feel okay but I think it's a lull of 'false sense of security'. I felt full of energy yesterday and today so that's buoyed me up, and I started imagining having the baby and being really happy about the thought of having 'a baby'.

But then I imagine the baby as a growing child or I imagine trying to sort out the problems it would cause in my career, and I hit a big stumbling block.

I have a meeting with BPAS booked for Thursday so I think that might clarify things for me. I still just really don't know.

I would really like to talk to work about how it might affect things. But there's no way of asking the questions I'd like to ask without sounding callous. Especially if after that conversation, I am suddenly 'not pregnant'.

Why is none of this simple?

BPAS will certainly help on Thursday by the sounds of it. I meant to quote the section where you mention concerns about work.

If my sense of what you are saying is right, you have a career that is important to you, and given that you had not planned to have a child you are understandably concerned about how a child will affect it. There are questions that you would like to ask work that you feel would sound callous should you make the decision to terminate. Have you written down these questions for yourself?

As you are asking for individual experiences, From my experience in a really good career, a child has affected my ability to perform as I once did. I have child free colleagues who are able to drop what they are doing and step up in a way I no longer do and once did. However ultimately this is my choice. I don’t have family support nearby. I also could respond I suppose in that way, I would never have envisaged how much my priorities have changed as I now think and prioritise in terms of the family unit.

So perhaps before BPAS I would set out what you do know about what you can put in place and your priorities. Who could support you to do your job in the way you want to and do now? The law is very much behind you in this, and also I understand work dynamics too and the choices that I have made which mean there are some ambitions I’m going to need to set aside for a few years until school comes around.

Added to this I cannot express up in words how immense the love I feel for my child is and that I was told about before but only now I have experiences it can appreciate fully.

Being blunt, having a baby will affect your career as much or as little as you want it to.

The problem isn't that babies are incompatible with a career, it's that many if us find career doesn't feel as important after baby, and it slips down the priority list. But it doesn't have to - it's a choice.

Assuming (and granted it is a big assumption) that you can afford childcare, there is nothing to stop you putting your baby into full time nursery/childminder or having a nanny from just a few months, if that's what you want. It's what a lot of women do in America. It's doable. The more tricky hit is that babies/toddlers impact sleep a lot, and that's tricky to balance with work (I started doing some work when baby was 6w old...), but frankly, that's no different from women with 2 kids as they don't get chance to catch up on sleep in the day either, but it may impact your performance.

Is your job office/computer based? If so, with flexibility in hours you can always log back in in the evenings, and frankly you wouldn't be the first parent to plonk their child in front of the TV for 15m to make a work call.

It's really not easy balancing them, and that's with an involved husband, but I do know single parents who work full time+ hours and manage it.

It's had a big effect on my career if I'm honest, but that's because my priorities changed and I loved being with them - the original plan was back ft within 6m. I could have done that, I just didn't want to.

Best of luck with your decision.

Can you say it is what you do? Realise you may not want to on a public site. I agree with what the other posters say about the law being behind you in terms of being a working mum. It hasn’t effected women where I work. They are doing it and many in very senior positions. Albeit with older children….. but still in school.

I get the job thing. I really like mine too. I get joy out of but sometimes I think that is because I’m busy which I like. At home it’s much more quiet and I actually don’t do very much. It’s a bit dull at times. Do I want my job to be the most important thing come another 20 years?! I bloody hope not!

Balance out what you want out of this crazy life? Job satisfaction sounds like a biggie.

You have a family in the sense of your partner. That is more than enough for many.

Sending you a reassuring hug. I hope you find an answer either way. It might not be one that you agree with (like I feel with the termination I had) but one that was right at that time.

Do what is right for you. But take a bit of time. It’s so fuc*king difficult.

Thinking of you.
We are all here anytime you need a rant, cry or any reasureances.xx

Sounds to me like you want this baby & are almost seeking approval of that/those feelings.

I’m in a totally different position to you but long story extremely short I got pregnant with unplanned 3rd child. Initial reaction, can’t do it, can’t cope, but also… can’t hurt this baby. I’m 33 weeks now & all those fears have settled some what, I can do it, I will cope. I love her already & am so glad I didn’t let my fears runaway with
Me.

You say your mother wasn’t maternal but clearly
You are, because of the feelings you’re getting towards this unborn baby, regarding alcohol
Etc…

You won’t have damaged the baby, trust me. It’ll be fine.

If your DH is allowed to comfortably say I’m 90% sure I don’t want this you’re allowed to say I’m 50% sure I do… be open & honest. The decision has to be yours, ultimately.

Best of luck OP

@ED81 you are honestly, such a kind person. Saw some things you'd written on somebody else' thread last night and I just want to hug you. Looking out for strangers the way you do is such a rare trait.

You asked me what I do... I can't be too specific but I work in creative for a startup. These businesses are fast moving and cut throat. Usually started by men (as mine is) so no maternity policies. No other women that have had children ever in the company. There are other women but they are either just out of uni or a bit older than me and they'd already had their children by the time they joined. I've only been in my job for a year too.

So none of the above is ideal circumstances. And there's nobody within the company that I can have a talk with.

@Youreacockarentyou thank you. People say that I must be more maternal than my mum because of how I am with animals. But I guess there's no way to test the theory without doing it. And once the baby is here, it would be too late if I realised I was as cold as she was, and had no aptitude or instinct for raising a child.

I think it's likely that I'm not like her, but it's scary nonetheless. Her mother was also a cold, angry woman. Her sisters are the same. They are all terrible mothers. Angry, abusive, selfish, emotionally immature and withdrawn. It's clearly a family trait. I don't think I am like that but who's to say.

@SecondCityShark. That’ is kind to say I’m kind. Haha.

I’ve not been involved on Mumsnet until a few months ago. It’s perhaps overwhelming a lot of the time and has probably put me off trying to have a baby to be honest.

I however really feel for the women on this site. The ones in turmoil over abortion. I’ve now obviously been there and I know how dreadful and impacting the decision can be. But that’ time makes this better.

If I can show some compassion in that time, I always will.xx

Hi,
@SecondCityShark. Hope you are ok and things are perhaps a bit clearer?x

Hi all, sorry for taking such a long time to respond. I've been in a bit of a funk (up and down, unable to make decisions).

I finally decided to go with it. I couldn't take the other option, it just made me feel too guilty. I decided that I can make this work somehow. So many of your words of wisdom informed that and I can't express enough how much I appreciated (and continue to appreciate) your support.

I started bleeding today though so I'm not sure which way this will go. But we'll see. What will be will be I guess.

Ah wow! I’ve been thinking about you.
Glad you made a choice. It’s such a high level of turmoil! What does your DH say now? Only if you want to share that though.

I believe bleeding is common before 12 weeks. I hope all remains ok for you.xx

@ED81 he was the same as me actually - when we received the pills in the post, we both felt resistant to me taking them. From that point on, he was saying that he was 'much more leaning towards' having the baby.

I'm still scared and I'm still having moments of 'what the hell am I doing' but I've spoke to a few close friends and they've given me confidence that I'll do a good job. For some bizarre reason, they say I'll do a great job I'm not so sure but I'll do my best.

Delighted for you. Congratulations for making a choice.

I remember sat on my bed with the medication and my DH said “I don’t think you’ll be able to do it”. He was supportive either way.

I kinda though i wouldn’t be able…… but I then did. Still can’t quite believe it.

@SecondCityShark

Hi all, sorry for taking such a long time to respond. I've been in a bit of a funk (up and down, unable to make decisions).

I finally decided to go with it. I couldn't take the other option, it just made me feel too guilty. I decided that I can make this work somehow. So many of your words of wisdom informed that and I can't express enough how much I appreciated (and continue to appreciate) your support.

I started bleeding today though so I'm not sure which way this will go. But we'll see. What will be will be I guess.

Op I was in a similar position a few weeks ago and I had bled multiple times during the first 10 weeks. I bled all day the day after I found out and because I was in utter shock I didn’t think anything about it. Baby is fine so far so try not to worry xx

Hi @SecondCityShark just wanted to say, we are in the same position. I could have written your post (cried when I found out, was 100% against continuing but have started taking folic acid just in case...). Still haven’t really made a decision and sticking my head in the sand.
Hope the bleeding is nothing serious (it’s very common in early pregnancy), if it continues you might get an early scan at EPU.

Only read the op but there is another option of having the baby adopted. My dh was an unwanted pregnancy (his birth mother was a young uni student), and because she chose to let him be born he's lived a great life and although not in contact with her he is grateful that she made her choice the way she did. She must have had good reasons and it was a brave thing to do.