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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

How to decide whether to keep baby or not?

67 replies

SecondCityShark · 03/07/2021 00:14

Hi everyone,

I posted last week as I'd just found out that I was very unexpectedly pregnant and lots of people gave me lots of great advice.

My mind was pretty much made up from the second I saw the 'positive' that I couldn't have this child. We used protection and I wasn't wanting to have a baby at all. I'm also at a critical juncture in my career.

I phoned BPAS on Monday to book an appointment and then can't get me in until next week. So I've spent all week mulling this over.

Part of me (weirdly) wants to go with it and I don't know whether that's hormones or whether I have a genuine desire to do this. I'm really confused.

If you'd have asked me two weeks ago if I'd wanted a baby, I would've said 'absolutely not' so sensible me is thinking about that.

But other me is imagining being with my baby and I can't shake that off. Even though I'd decided not to go ahead, I haven't touched alcohol since I found out because I don't want to 'hurt the baby' and these sort of thoughts are plaguing me.

Don't know what to do. I've never been maternal and I've never wanted children but I'm worried about making a big mistake.

Thanks for reading. I know that nobody can make this decision for me, but you are all such a clever, empathetic lot. And I can't really talk to anybody about this in real life.

I took the clear blue test about a week ago and it says that I was 2-3 weeks. So I guess I'm 3-4 weeks now, if that makes any difference to your thinking about it.

OP posts:

hysteriaonthedancefloor · 03/07/2021 00:17

You need to discuss it fully with a real life counsellor.

girlmom21 · 03/07/2021 00:24

Are you in a relationship? Can you talk about it together?

Viviennemary · 03/07/2021 00:26

I agree it needs to be talked through. But if you can say I don't want a baby . I don't want to be pregnant. It isn't the right time. Or will you be dwelling on it for the next few years thinking what might have been. Not being able to see a pregnant woman without being upset. There's been a few threads lately along those lines. Only you know. Hope things work out.

idontlikealdi · 03/07/2021 00:27

I don't see your previous post, are you in a relationship, how old are you etc?

Original poster

SecondCityShark · 03/07/2021 00:28

Yes @girlmom21 and we have a good relationship. Initially, he was pleased but when I told him I had reservations, he said he had some too. As the week has gone on, he's become more entrenched in that (not in an aggressive way, I've invited him to be honest), but he's saying that he's now 90% sure it's not the right time now. Which makes it difficult for me to talk about my second thoughts if that makes sense.

OP posts:

Original poster

SecondCityShark · 03/07/2021 00:29

Here's the original post: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4280646-Anybody-told-their-DH-they-were-pregnant-in-a-really-bad-way-like-I-did-earlier-Make-me-feel-better

I'm 35, and that definitely adds pressure.

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Original poster

SecondCityShark · 03/07/2021 00:31

But if you can say I don't want a baby . I don't want to be pregnant. It isn't the right time.

Thank you @Viviennemary those are sensible and helpful words.

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Original poster

SecondCityShark · 03/07/2021 00:33

I'm also worried that if the small part of me that wants to go ahead wins, that I've done terrible damage to the baby already.

I wasn't trying to get pregnant so I've not taken folic acid. I've spent the last month doing hard exercise, not having the best diet. I also went to a spa and spent 48 hours in hot tubs, saunas etc. I read earlier that there's a link between those activities in the early weeks and serious disabilities. It was one study that came up on Google and I clicked it off immediately so I don't know how authoritative it was.

But generally, I feel like I've given myself a lot to worry about.

OP posts:

PickAChew · 03/07/2021 00:36

Don't factor your partner in. He may or may not be in there in the long term. Whatever happens, it's almost certain you will be the one holding the baby.

Agree 5gst you need a counsellor yo help you work out whether you can go for it, with this one.

I got pregnant with ds1 just a few months after taking the map after a risky shag but my mind was in a very different place, by then.

girlmom21 · 03/07/2021 00:40

@SecondCityShark

I'm also worried that if the small part of me that wants to go ahead wins, that I've done terrible damage to the baby already.

But generally, I feel like I've given myself a lot to worry about.

Try not to worry about these things. Lots of us do all of these things without realising we've conceived. They're not recommended but they're not the end of the world.

Think about the reality of having a baby. The stability of your relationship, whether it's financially viable, if it's something you want but just not yet, if it's something you're not sure you want at all. There's so much to consider. You do have a few weeks too so don't rush the decision.

I disagree about not worrying about your partners opinion. You're both equally responsible and it will impact you both either way.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 03/07/2021 00:44

At 35 you are reaching the point where it can't be something for some distant point in the future. Your fertility doesn't necessarily go off a cliff at 35 but the odds against you increase. Your DH doesn't have that decision point.
It's really quite scary to be a parent. It's OK to feel that.

blisstwins · 03/07/2021 06:57

@PastMyBestBeforeDate

At 35 you are reaching the point where it can't be something for some distant point in the future. Your fertility doesn't necessarily go off a cliff at 35 but the odds against you increase. Your DH doesn't have that decision point. It's really quite scary to be a parent. It's OK to feel that.

Yes. If you think you may want children your age matters. You do need to speak with a professional and then your partner. Something we think there will be a perfect time, but that is rarely the case. YOu need to work out what makes sense for you.

Original poster

SecondCityShark · 03/07/2021 11:02

Yes. If you think you may want children your age matters.

I guess that's one of the main problems. I didn't want them, and now I'm worried that it's now or never.

I'll take a look at professional counsellors.

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Original poster

SecondCityShark · 03/07/2021 17:24

Just bumping incase anybody out there has has similar thoughts and made a decision either way.

OP posts:

IeatPotNoodles · 03/07/2021 17:31

I had to make this awful decision a few years ago. I was so happy to be pregnant but the would-be father and I weren't in a stable relationship, and he was convinced it wasn't the right time etc etc. I knew that he was right, but it didn't make it any easier for me.
I compartmentalised the physical side of the procedure, and managed to get through it because I knew that he didn't want the baby. So in a way, I feel like I only did it for him. I was messed up for months and months afterwards, I needed professional counselling, and to this day, I have never, ever told any one else I know because it hurt so much. I desperately longed for a baby for the immediate year after it happened. I was jealous of my best friend, she got pregnant and I had to go along pretending that I was happy for her, well I was, but it killed me inside seeing her baby pass milestones that my baby would have passed just a couple of months earlier etc.

I am now 32 weeks pregnant, with a different partner, and have come to terms with that decision I made years ago. I worried that I would never get pregnant again, that that may have been my only shot, that I may struggle to conceive etc. But thankfully, I haven't faced any of those problems.

IeatPotNoodles · 03/07/2021 17:34

Sorry, posted too soon.

Just wanted to say, disregard his opinion and decisions because at the end of the day, YOU are the only one who goes through this. Your baby will always be yours once they arrive. You must make the right decision for you. I didn't do that and i really did struggle with the consequences. If you know you can not have this baby and it not consume you, then you could wait a couple of years as/if needed.
All I know is that I couldn't make the decision to terminate again.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do

FreeBritnee · 03/07/2021 18:46

At 35 I’d have the child. Fertility is starting to decrease from this point on. Mumsnet is full of people who conceived immediately at 45 but In my experience I fell pregnant immediately at 37 then went through absolute hell to conceive my subsequent child. Honestly it so very nearly didn’t happen at all.

So if you want children and you hope to have more than one, I’d have the one you are pregnant with.

Sleepyquest · 03/07/2021 18:52

I'm worried that if you're doubting it already, that you may have serious regrets if you terminate and it will affect the rest of your life including your relationship and your career.

If you were 25, I'd say do what you want but at 35, time isn't really on your side as much as women like to pretend they can have it all.

I haven't been in the situation but I have had a baby and pregnant with another and although my life has changed and my career is on the back burner, I wouldn't change it for the world. My career will still be there in 3-4 years time.

Wishing you all the best

Maggiesfarm · 03/07/2021 20:26

Honestly I doubt most people have taken folic acid before becoming pregnant. I certainly never did but it wasn't a 'thing' back then. Don't worry about that.

How you are feeling is absolutely normal. Hormones do play a big part. I's a big decision only you can make but you know that. Do weigh up the pros and cons and have some professional counselling.

Good luck.

Original poster

SecondCityShark · 03/07/2021 20:38

Thank you everyone, all of your words are really helpful. I'm still massively confused but some of the things you've said have been really insightful.

@IeatPotNoodles I'm really sorry to read about your experience.

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NigellaSeed · 03/07/2021 20:49

Hi @Second. I would try to visualise everything, not just being with baby, but caring for a 2 year old...7 year old...etc. do you work, can you imagine taking time off, and then what will you do after, can you afford to raise a child, basically.

I also would take into consideration whether or not DP would support the decision but it would ultimately be my choice. No way would I go through with something if I wasn't 100% sure, just because he was.

I wish you all the best with your decision

LocalHobo · 03/07/2021 21:02

Your baby will always be yours once they arrive.
The baby will always be your partners as well.

AutumnColours9 · 03/07/2021 21:03

I wouldn't terminate if you have any doubts. I faced this but at an opposite age of spectrum and single. I went ahead with DD and no regrets..

Original poster

SecondCityShark · 03/07/2021 21:05

@NigellaSeed that's good advice. I can imagine coping well and enjoying the baby stages, ditto for toddler stages. Beyond that feels like something I couldn't imagine myself doing.

But is that normal? I don't suppose most people really relish having a 10,13 or 16 year old. Or do they?

My mum was incredibly cold and unmaternal. I worry about turning into her.

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Kittyswhiskers · 03/07/2021 21:09

I think it comes down to this. Will you regret NOT having the baby? Will you regret the baby once it’s here? You might, not saying you won’t. Do you like babies?

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