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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

I never ever thought I'd be posting in this section

65 replies

POASthreadstarter · 22/06/2021 15:13

I'm pro choice of course, but I always said I could never do it myself. That is no judgement on anyone else

But here I am. I have 3 DC and just found out I'm pregnant because of one stupid evening a few days before I was due on.

I would keep the baby and I would be the first to say 'your body, your choice' but its really not as simple as that. DH has said he will support me no matter what. He would like a 4th but when I pushed him he said he doesn't have the energy for another, we have too much going on already and the obvious problems such as only having 3 bedrooms and so keeping it wouldn't be his choice.

Our car is big enough though. We could afford it but obviously it's still a big expense that we could do without.

I know none of you can tell me what to do but I wanted to write it down.

OP posts:

Kittykat93 · 26/06/2021 12:21

@Littlewillow78

I'd definitely give it a few more weeks to think about it more if your only 5 weeks, you have a bit of time on your side! you'll probably find after the shock sinks in a bit more he will come around to the idea x

Sorry but he doesn't need to 'come round to the idea' - he has been honest in that he already has three children and doesn't want any more.

Ju11tne · 26/06/2021 12:45

Hi OP. Did you ever discuss being done at 3 children? I would ask your husbands reasons for not wanting another one? Tbh I can see your youngest is under 2 so I can understand.

It's difficult. I would discuss a permanent contraception just to avoid this in future.

Zebra13 · 26/06/2021 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RNBrie · 26/06/2021 13:01

My mum was in this position when she got pregnant with my brother. Exactly the same age gaps and similar response from my dad. They booked an abortion but my mum couldn't go through with it on the day. She told me all of this quite recently and I'm in my 40s!

My mum says that he was the least trouble of all her kids because mostly us older two entertained him.

It definitely worked out for the best for us, the two little ones shared a room and me and my older sister had out own rooms so we didn't need to move or change the car. Mum said it didn't make a lot of difference to finances either, it's the third child that tends to make holidays more expensive, not the 4th etc.

My dad booked a vasectomy two weeks after he was born but they are both glad it worked out how it did.

Only you can really know what you want to do, and how your DH will react but my dad got on board once he realised my mum couldn't face an abortion.

ContessaVerde · 26/06/2021 13:15

he was trying not to pressurise her, and he wouldn’t let himself be pleased until he knew the baby was staying.

I think this is a fairly understandable position for a man.
For women, we often have a strong feeling either way towards the thing which is growing inside us. Men’s position isn’t so visceral. Don’t expect him not to be ambivalent about it.

Plus to the idea that most women don’t give a second thought post termination, i’d like to see the study which shows this. Complete horseshit in my view but willing to find out otherwise.

I’d find your position hard because of my age, so glad dp has had the snip.
Good luck deciding.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 26/06/2021 13:55

It doesn’t sound like OPs husband is ambivalent - I suspect this would be easier if he was. He seems fairly sure he doesn’t want a third, but aware that he doesn’t have much of a say here.

OP, can you talk to him? I know you said he goes quiet when he’s got a lot on his mind, but you really need to be able to talk here. When did you tell him you were leaning towards keeping it? I’d probably give him a day or two after that to think things through, but then I’d be expecting him to be able to to talk about this… It seems unfair of him to say he doesn’t want the baby, acknowledge it’s your choice and then give you the silent treatment over that choice.

worktrip · 26/06/2021 20:15

Do you work OP? Is the financial burden going to fall only on your DHs shoulders? Maybe if this is the case that is at the bottom of his misgivings. Personally if it was me I would be thankful for 3 healthy children and a loving marriage, and not keep this one. It is still very early so only a collection of cells, and you can't do what you really hate doing, but you also have to accept things between you and your husband may be very different this time.

Undersnatch · 26/06/2021 20:25

I think saying you’d be over the moon if ‘allowed’ to be, says all you need to know. It’s hard to imagine how you would not regret the decision to terminate given you feel this way. I understand your worry about your husbands feelings but I don’t think he is behaving fairly. You are both responsible for the pregnancy and he cannot pressure you into termination.

66babe · 27/06/2021 08:07

It doesn't sound as if TOP is the right thing for you at all
Could you have some counselling with Bpas or MSI ?
They offer before and after treatment and it may help you both to lay all the cards out on the table

Youreacockarentyou · 27/06/2021 21:10

Hi OP. Sorry you’re in this position & hope you’re doing ok?

I haven’t come back to this board for about 6 months since finding myself in a similar position, except with unplanned DC3.

It was very tough, our 2 children are young & I couldn’t imagine how we’d cope. DP was absolutely adamant he did not want another child, I’m not a crier, but boy did I cry for those couple of weeks…

Ultimately after lots of discussions with my amazing friends & family (really hope you have support) I decided to keep the baby. I’m 33 weeks now, & I’m so glad I made that decision.

Dp literally didn’t speak to me for a week, but he has come around now. All the things I deemed ‘impossible’ when considering keeping the baby have disappeared now it’s a reality and I know we’re going to be ok.

I know everyone & their circumstances are different, but my advice to you is that you both made the decision to take the risk so absolutely don’t be guilted into anything now. You are carrying baby & you have to go through the procedure so YOU decide.

All the best with what ever decision you make x

jm1712 · 27/06/2021 21:56

Hi OP, hope you're doing okay?

Please remember the decision is ultimately yours to make and will have most effect on you for the rest of your life.

My mum had 4 DC. Tragically lost her first dd to sids at 11 weeks old.
When she fell pregnant with her 5th baby my dad told her to have a termination or he would leave her. she had the termination.
My dad went on to have an affair and they separated. She told me she regretted her decision everyday from the moment she walked out of the clinic.

I'm not saying your husband has given you the same ultimatum. However please follow your own instinct with this. No one can tell you what is best for you. Not even your Dh. He seems like a nice guy from what you've said so if you decide to carry on with the pregnancy he will surely come round.

MooritRomney · 18/07/2021 03:57

Hi OP - what did you decide? Hope you’re at peace either way

Original poster

POASthreadstarter · 31/07/2021 11:39

Hi everyone. Sorry I haven't been back to update but it's been a horrible few weeks and I couldn't face it. I decided to keep the baby and I'm now 11 weeks.

DH has had a complete personality chnage and has been horrible to me. Whenecer we speak on the phone, before he hangs up, he will say 'remember it's only 2 pills' before putting the phone down. He says I'm selfish and that I should ahve an abortion because I'd get over it quickly. Keeps making jokes about it ect. He's been horrible with the kids, has absolutely no patience with them and I'm having to tell them to keep out of his way. He barely speaks to me and has been moaning about the state of the house. I've been very sick so I admit the housework had slipped a bit but I do my best. He has absolutely no sympathy for me and if I dare mention feeling sick/tired he just says 'well there's a very simple solution for that'. When I go to the bathroom to be sick, he doesn't even look up from his phone or ask me if I'm okay. The other day I had to take my toddler into the bathroom with me while I was vomiting because DH was just ignoring him. He has become obsessed with money. He barely speaks to me. He tells me he hasn't been sleeping but I'm up most of the night with the toddler and he seems to sleep absolutely fine.

I'm seriously considering asking him to leave as he's being so horrible to me.

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 31/07/2021 11:41

What a fucking bastard
Am so sorry you are in this situation

Original poster

POASthreadstarter · 31/07/2021 12:28

I keep swinging between thinking the same as you to feeling sorry for him. I feel like I'm in limbo. I haven't actually been able to tell him I'm keeping it as every time I do he just says 'the decision hasn't been made'. I had to ring the midwife in secret because I'm scared of his reaction. I'm totally shocked by him.

I honestly think the only reason he hasn't left me is because he knows his family would give him so much grief if he did.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 31/07/2021 12:35

So sorry he's being a complete bastard to you.

I hope you've asked him to book in for a vasectomy so his sperm never causes another pregnancy.

Original poster

POASthreadstarter · 31/07/2021 12:41

He was supposed to be getting a vasectomy from 2019 but never got round to it.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 31/07/2021 12:45

🙄

I would remind him of that.

Madwomanuptheroad29 · 31/07/2021 12:53

So if "he never got round to" having the vasectomy that you had agreed as a permanent form of contraception he has no moral or other grounds to sulk about you being pregnant.
If he had made sure he had the procedure (as agreed) there would be no pregnancy now.

GetTaeFuck · 31/07/2021 12:59

He’s being horrible to you and your DC. He needs to leave. You need to start planning what to do as a single parent. You and DC don’t deserve or need this bollocks from him.

StartupRepair · 31/07/2021 13:06

This sounds really tough for you. Sounds like a very cruel and nasty side of your DH has emerged.

Gelpennen · 31/07/2021 13:06

I’m sorry OP have you got family/friends you can speak to? He sounds awful

fantastaballs · 31/07/2021 13:12

I agree that he needs to take responsibility for not getting a vasectomy. I would have some actual sympathy for him if he HAD had a vasectomy and it had failed but no.... he just didn't bother with it.

He consented to a resulting pregnancy the very second his penis entered your vagina without a condom/vasectomy. The moment he ejaculated could be even be considered enthusiastic consent. Especially considering you already have children so he knows you are fertile! He has no sympathy from me AT ALL. I personally think we need to raise our sons with this understanding and then men may take better care about accidental pregnancy.

RandomMess · 31/07/2021 13:17

I would be telling his family the truth before he weaves down lies and half truths to them.

AngelDelightUk · 31/07/2021 17:26

Tell him unless he stops this childish behaviour he’s out

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