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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

I never ever thought I'd be posting in this section

65 replies

POASthreadstarter · 22/06/2021 15:13

I'm pro choice of course, but I always said I could never do it myself. That is no judgement on anyone else

But here I am. I have 3 DC and just found out I'm pregnant because of one stupid evening a few days before I was due on.

I would keep the baby and I would be the first to say 'your body, your choice' but its really not as simple as that. DH has said he will support me no matter what. He would like a 4th but when I pushed him he said he doesn't have the energy for another, we have too much going on already and the obvious problems such as only having 3 bedrooms and so keeping it wouldn't be his choice.

Our car is big enough though. We could afford it but obviously it's still a big expense that we could do without.

I know none of you can tell me what to do but I wanted to write it down.

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Original poster
POASthreadstarter · 22/06/2021 19:50

Anyone have any advice for helping me come to a decision?

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Sunny4876 · 22/06/2021 19:53

Which decision could you live with the easiest do you think.
You already know how hard raising children are,how old are your dcs? Would a new child slot in quite easily,who takes on most of the parenting.
If your husband is hands off,are you ready to bear the brunt of it all.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 22/06/2021 19:57

I think you have to look at both your practicalities and your heart. What will the impact be on your existing children? Your marriage? Your own goals? Your emotions? Can you cope if the child turns out to have some kind of additional needs? Do you think you could cope if your relationship ended and you ended up as a single parent? Will your DH do his bit, even if a 4th isn't what he'd choose?

I think ultimately you have to trust yourself and trust that whatever you feel will be right for you and you will be OK with your decision as long as it is just that - your decision. Where women choose termination, they generally go on just fine as long as they made their own choice. There is no perfect or "right" decision now. There is only what you feel is the least worst decision for you.

Original poster
POASthreadstarter · 22/06/2021 21:06

I have dd10 ds8 and ds16 months. A 4th would slot in quite easily as I've done the whole toddler and newborn thing before. The older ds absolutely love their little brother and keep asking me for another so I think they would be pleased. Obviously I know it's not as simple as that.

I would be happy to do it as a singlw parent but I don't think I need to worry about that. Honestly if it was just down to me I'd be over the moon. But it's not fair on DH. What a mess.

Thank you all for replying, talking about it with strangers really does help. I'm trying to tell myself it's just cells at the moment but to me it's already a baby.

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BlueistheNewme · 22/06/2021 21:13

It doesn’t sound like you want a termination. I don’t think you should have a termination for your husband. You should only do what you can live with.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 22/06/2021 21:17

@BlueistheNewme

It doesn’t sound like you want a termination. I don’t think you should have a termination for your husband. You should only do what you can live with.
This.

It's your decision and your body, ultimately. And I think you answered your own question there. If you think your DH will cope even if it isn't his preference, and you can hack it even if he doesn't... There you are.

Original poster
POASthreadstarter · 22/06/2021 21:17

I don't want one but is it fair to bring a child into the world that DH doesn't want but would have to support?

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Chocolatebuttercream · 22/06/2021 21:22

I am completely pro choice and you will receive no judgement from me - you must do what is best for you. But you asked for advice/thoughts so I will tell you what I would do - I would keep the baby. My reasons would be:

  • you state you would be very happy to have the baby if it weren't for your husband' reservations. Therefore I think you may come come bitterly regret the termination.
  • your husband's reservations, whilst valid, are mild - he isn't saying 'oh god no!', in fact he's in lots of ways positive about it, just acknowledges it will be hard work as well as joy.
  • you can afford it and already have a large enough car. Regarding bedrooms 2 siblings can share, this is very normal.
  • personally my brother was an accident, my parents only ever wanted 2. But he is wonderful and I couldn't imagine life without him.

Good luck deciding OP.

BlowDryRat · 22/06/2021 21:28

@BlueistheNewme

It doesn’t sound like you want a termination. I don’t think you should have a termination for your husband. You should only do what you can live with.
I agree with this. It's completely your decision though.
ED81 · 22/06/2021 22:20

I feel for you. Think very very carefully before you plump for a termination. You will potentially have the medication in your hands before you know it.

But if your heart doesn’t want to do it it could impact you moving forward.

I’m pro choice but never thought I’d be in those shoes. I’ve had a termination this year though. It was tough. And it has damaged my mental health. However things are improving.

However some women have a termination and don’t look back. It really is individual.

Take it easy.xx

PaySeeWhiTa · 22/06/2021 22:53

I don't want one but is it fair to bring a child into the world that DH doesn't want but would have to support?

You didn't create that bundle of cells intentionally by yourself. It took two and now it's happened you see it as a baby.

Yes it's your body and your choice but that doesn't make it also your fault.

'Fair" doesn't really come into it. It sounds like it would not be what your DH would have chosen in theory, but it's not in theory anymore so it's a different set of choices now.

I think you know what you want to do. That's really important to acknowledge. It shifts the choice from child vs no child (in theory) to child vs termination you don't want (in reality).

Very difficult conversation/decision to navigate. I wish you all the best.

Throughtheday · 22/06/2021 23:01

I was in the same position but DC3 was a little older than yours. My DH said it was totally up to me. I knew that, but I still wanted a little hint that he would have preferred to keep it. In the end I decided I would go ahead but send the baby to childcare more or less full time unlike the older ones. He's now the adorable child while the others are sulky teens...

From everything you've posted it seems that you would bitterly regret a termination. Do you think if you tell your husband you want to go ahead with the pregnancy he'll soon be just as happy about it as with the older ones?

mae2014 · 23/06/2021 11:05

Give yourself some time to take it all in,

I found out last Monday and had my termination yesterday,

I hated that i had over a week to think and take it all in, but im glad now. If anything, I wouldnt have minded longer time.

Do you know how far gone you are?

Have you sat down with your husband and been completely honest about how you feel?

A conversation like this has to be so transparent as its not an easy choice to make.
I know the decision was right for me but I know it's made me desperate to sort my life out so then when it happens again im ready,

Just be kind to yourself and really listen to all the thoughts in your head,

I found writing out a pro's and cons list really helped me rationalise xxxx

Original poster
POASthreadstarter · 23/06/2021 21:52

Thank you all so much for being absolutely lovely, supportive and not judging me. I've reread this threat about 10 times and it's really helping me.

Throughtheday, you've hit the nail on the head when you said you wanted DH to give a hint that he would prefer to keep it. That is exactly what I want but I know I'm not going to get it. What made you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy if you don't mind me asking and what was your DHs reaction? Did it take long for him to come round?

ED81, I'm sorry your termination has affected your mental health. I'm glad things are improving for you, it must be so hard. I know I would/will feel the same.

Mae2014 how are you doing/feeling? I think I'm about 5 weeks. So still early days. DH and I had a really good talk last night and he definitely doesn't want me to keep it. He's still saying it's my choice of course but I feel like he is going to resentme if I keep it. But I suppose I will resent him if I get a termination. I don't think a pros and cons list will help as I know there are 100 cons and very few pros!

DH has been really quiet and sad today. Really not himself. The pregnancy hasn't been mentioned at all today. He's gone to bed early. He's not sulking, he is always like this when he has soemthing on his mind.

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mae2014 · 23/06/2021 22:29

How are you feeling tonight?

I was 5 weeks too, it’s still very early and you have time to give it a little think,

I’d say your minds all over the place :( xxxx

Original poster
POASthreadstarter · 24/06/2021 08:24

Thank you mae2014.i didn't see your post until this morning but I'm okay. I am worried about DH though. I've had a lot of pregnancy ads on my Facebook and I get moments of panic like can I actually go through another pregnancy? But then I think about this baby being the same age as DC3 and can see them playing together. Rose tinted glasses maybe!

How are you doing mae2014?

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Roselilly36 · 24/06/2021 08:29

If I was in your circumstances OP, I would have the baby. But totally for you to decide, do what’s best for you & your family. Good luck with your decision.

grey12 · 24/06/2021 09:20

I felt like I was almost in that situation but then tested negative (kind of relieved, but somehow a negative test always makes you feel a but down, no?)

I know exactly what you're saying but if I was in your position I think I would most most most likely keep it. I am pro choice but imo you (or I) don't fit my personal criteria. You seem to have a good relationship with your partner, you have a house, you already have 3 kids, so another one doesn't seem like such a burden financially, time wise, emotionally, beyond what you already have.

An abortion is an emotional charged procedure and one you'll think about probably the rest of your life.

Whatever decision you make, I'm sending you hugs Thanks

Original poster
POASthreadstarter · 24/06/2021 19:25

Grey12, I know what you mean about negative tests!

DH come on from work and just blurted out, 'I really really don't want another one'. I asked what that meant now and he just said nothing it's still your choice.

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AngelDelightUk · 24/06/2021 19:33

You might find he will come round if you say you’re going to keep it, I know my best friend was in a similar situation and her DH kept saying it was her choice but he didn’t want it. However, once she said she did, his attitude changed. Turns out he was trying not to pressurise her, and he wouldn’t let himself be pleased until he knew the baby was staying.

I feel for you, but I do think you’ll regret a termination

Littlewillow78 · 24/06/2021 20:58

I'd definitely give it a few more weeks to think about it more if your only 5 weeks, you have a bit of time on your side! you'll probably find after the shock sinks in a bit more he will come around to the idea x

ZAK3 · 24/06/2021 22:14

@POASthreadstarter

Grey12, I know what you mean about negative tests!

DH come on from work and just blurted out, 'I really really don't want another one'. I asked what that meant now and he just said nothing it's still your choice.

Im not sticking up for your husband but at least he said its still your choice! Unfortunately those words were unable to come out of my husbands mouth for what would have been our 4th

In the end I terminated & even 18 mths on I still feel sick when i click on "pregnancy choices" I said from a young girl I would never have an abortion in a million years

I would say please just keep talking its such a huge life changing decision , he cant afford to sulk it needs to be spoken about in depth! Take it from someone whos learnt the hard way!

sending hugs i know how awful it is to be in this situation 💗

MarshmallowAra · 26/06/2021 00:50

one stupid evening a few days before I was due on.

I find men who don't step up to their responsibility when they've knowingly taken risks during sex (not that all penetrative sex isn't a risk) rather despicable tbh.

You speak of it being fair oh him ... How is it fair on the potential child who didn't do anything, didn't ask to be conceived (?)

Sorry to be so blunt but it's aimed at your h, not you.

Dogvmarmot · 26/06/2021 01:05

Hmm. Well my thoughts. I would hesitate now to bring more children in the world due to the uncertain future/climate change. The other issue is apparently most women never think again for a second about their termination - no regrets. However, its your choice and I think you have said very little about what you feel. Car is big enough, bedrooms a bit tight so the bottom line is how you feel. you could write out the pros and cons but then maybe imagine both scenarios. You cannot know the future but you may know which one feel like the one you want to live with. Hope you find the choice that works for you. Not sure how old your children are but that could be a big influence...

Original poster
POASthreadstarter · 26/06/2021 11:59

Since finding out I'm leaning towards keeping, DH has been very off with me, barely speaking and avoiding me. I feel really upset. He didn't even say good night to me last night.

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