OP, if you don’t want a baby now then don’t have one now, you have the choice over that and it’s ok to do so. It doesn’t make you a bad person or less deserving of having a child in the future. You want to be able to offer your child a better start, to be more financially stable and hopefully in a committed relationship, and nothing is wrong with that. Equally, others in your position may elect to go ahead and again that is also a perfectly fine decision! What I’m getting at is that it’s YOUR call, you and only you really need to live with the decision and the impact it will make on your life. Your reasons are all valid as it is your decision so really as long as you are comfortable with it (as much as you can be because regardless of the outcome you want it’s not pleasant to go through. I don’t mean the procedure itself but more the whole experience in general), and you are confident then try to look forward to create the future you want to create and turn it into a positive experience for the better.
I had a surgical termination when I was 24, I was renting a flat in Manchester with a girlfriend, was barely keeping down my job due to being signed off repeatedly due to depression and bulimia, and fell pregnant after 3 months of being with my partner. He lived 200 miles away. I naively didn’t know how difficult parenthood is at the time and wanted to keep it despite the fact I was not ready emotionally at all. I felt pressured into an abortion by my family, and resented and hated my mum for years afterwards. It messed me up because I didn’t address my feelings, and because I didn’t take ownership of what I wanted and stick to a decision that I made. You will cope better afterwards if you know that this is what you want, not what you think you should do or what others want of you. And talking about it afterwards will likely help a lot. It’s okay to know you want to go through with a termination if that is what you want, you don’t need to feel guilty for that. But if you are slightly unsure and want to talk more I urge you to do so. An abortion is irreversible and if you aren’t sure will be much harder to cope with. I grieved for years afterwards and it affected me in certain ways, but with hindsight now I would say that it was the right decision. I wouldn’t have been able to have the life that I had if I had of had the baby. I’m not saying it would have been any worse or better, but it would have been different and it just comes down to what you want to do and what you value. You can still do things with a baby/child, you can still travel etc. It just would be a slightly different experience of travel than as a single woman. You can also better yourself and your career, jobs will always be out there and you can study, retrain etc. Maybe use your support network to help you dedicate the time to this. There are ways around everything, and the things that you think are problems now really don’t need to be as there are solutions. But if, after thinking through all the ways you could have the baby and still achieve your goals something is still not sitting right with you, then it may mean that deep down you don’t want this baby right now and have to let the opportunity go. I decided not to go to my recent surgical termination and when I woke up instead of feeling happy and relieved I felt panic. I didn’t feel as I should. And even after going through everything meticulously with a fine toothed comb, for me the circumstances were not what I wanted (ex wanted no involvement, single, parents the other end of the country, new to the area). I want a family unit and don’t think I could cope emotionally or financially on my own. People said I would cope, because you have to cope, you just do. But I didn’t want to simply “cope”. I wanted me and my child to THRIVE. I didn’t feel confident enough that I could make that happen, and wasn’t courageous enough to take the risk. It is something I will have to live with and the “what ifs” as I’m also getting older at 35. But you are still young and it wouldn’t be your last chance. I don’t want to sway you either way as it’s your decision and only you know what’s right for you. I hope you give yourself more time if you need to, and think everything through carefully, keep posting and asking questions etc. It doesn’t matter if your family/friends want you to keep the baby, everyone loves babies. YOU are the one who would be raising it single handedly (although with support). Ultimately you are the one responsible for another persons life and development, not them. This is something you will either relish and take delight in, or fear. It’s okay either way. You are stronger than you think and you will cope if you keep the baby, and you will get through the dark days if you don’t. Your path is yours to walk down. Whichever one you chose, don’t torture yourself by looking back. Good luck xxxx