Big fat hand hold please - termination

[bornninthe80s]

Hi all. I posted on here yesterday worrying about whether I could go through with my second pregnancy (I'm 40 and have an almost 2 year old, and have some past MH issues).

Had some amazingly supportive replies and am so grateful for that. My husband and I talked into the hours about things and as time has been passing, I've been getting more moments of "I could do this".

But everything came crashing down today when I went to an early scan and found out it's fraternal twins. Going from two to three is a ridiculous game changer and I can't see how I can continue with the pregnancy.

My (first and so far only) DC was born at 34+6 (no idea why but I had a low papp-a result which resulted in a CVS at 13 weeks) and still sleeps on a breathing monitor (just to give you an idea of how paranoid I am) - I spent most of the first year terrified of SIDS.

Obviously since seeing the scan I wish with everything that it was a singleton pregnancy as is sort of wrapped my head around that. But I'm already researching all the risks of twins and know that having 3 under 3 would be the breaking of me (even if all of us survived the pregnancy and birth).

Having a surgical termination in a couple of weeks and I'm just beside myself. If anyone can help that would be amazing. I can't talk to my mum about this and I really want to

@Introvertedbuthappy so pleased you are not living with regret. I think I will be quite strict with myself about making peace with the decision - DH wants to take us away as soon as it's safe to 'treat' me, a bit silly in a way as we are the ones who got ourselves into this mess, but I suppose I need to do some self care at some point x

@bornninthe80s sending you so much support for your difficult choice.

Just a small note - I'm not sure how old you are, but going by your username you are born in the 80s! I'm 1979 and nearly 41 and fell pregnant first time a few months ago which was obv the whole problem that it was not expected! If you've recently been pregnant, your chance of getting pregnant again is fairly high and thus it might be that you could easily conceive again. My point is don't mourn the second child that you may never have as it is quite possible you may be able to have this child xxx

Dd is the surviving twin, wouldn't have known if it wasn't for them picking up 2 heartbeats I was told, extremely common, no psychological issues!

You need to do what is right for you and your family now, do be cautious in real life who knows (if anyone) because people hold such strong views, even those who are fine with "silly teenagers" aborting. Lots of virtual hugs, take care

You talk about your MH and anxiety so I hope you recognise the incredible strength and emotional intelligence it takes to be able to weigh up the options and come to the (right now) tougher decision. You know you’d struggle through this and potentially risk a lot, and those aren’t things you are willing to risk. It would be a lot easier to chicken out of making a decision and carry on with the pregnancy. Burying head in the sand would be a route a lot of people would go down I think. I hope it all goes OK, OP. You’ve done amazing to find the right support until now so keep seeking it until you’re in the right place.

We actually went ahead with the pregnancy and I’m happy with the decision, however, I have to admit, the last two years have really been hard work and I’ve come very close to the edge a number of times, and prior to having three had sailed through parenthood (MH wise.) We had three under three which was and is still so tough. Our middle daughter incidentally did have a vanishing twin and has developmental delays. I can vouch for the fact that three children this close in age, including one with special needs is incredibly hard, physically, emotionally, financially. My husband and I deal with having a special needs child differently - more challenges. We didn’t know about our middle daughters challenges when we decided to go ahead with the third pregnancy, and by the time we found out we had made the decision. It’s difficult to admit but I don’t think I would have gone ahead with the pregnancy if I’d known. Children with social needs are a very different parenting experience. It’s taken me almost three years to come to terms with.

I guess what I’m saying is that whatever you decide, you will survive. I guess I’m a case study of what it could be like, I love my three children and my life, but if we had decided not to go ahead I would probably be doing my daughters therapies thinking ‘thank goodness we don’t have a third.’

Thanks everyone ❤️ @munchymoo I'm exactly 40 (and a bit). @minnieok and @EnoughNowPls
thank you for your kind words and @Galaboutbal thanks for sharing your story. You sound like a wonderful mum to me - must be so tough x

Just thought I'd update. Process has started - I've taken the first pill to stop the pregnancy hormones and dreading round two tomorrow. Took it about 3 hours ago but no symptoms yet so am panicking this won't work as it's twins.

It's been so difficult coming to terms with my own limitations as I know that putting my body, MH and family through a twin pregnancy is completely the wrong thing for us now, but we have also thought long term and it just won't work - we are not cut out for three kids, nor could we financially manage it. What hurts is that I know I'd have come round from the shock and continued with a singleton but feel that ship (one more) has sailed because of termination + increasing age.

I've driven myself mad about any/all risks (primarily for the developing cells) associated with carrying two at my age (40), especially as my first was premature anyway. We were lucky to avoid NICU with her but I've been having all sorts of dreadful thoughts about spending weeks or months in there with twins.

Just come back from a night at my DM's, I'd told her about this and hoped I could lean on her for support and for her to tell me I'm not the awful person I currently believe I am, but it turned into an absolute shitshow where she even said how do I think I've made my sister (36, single and major past health issues - she lives with my
DM) feel as she will probably never have kids!?! She also made the entire thing about her and a miscarriage she had 38 years ago (she has 4 grown kids) and that this is a 'simple yes and no decision' for me and DH and she's the wrong person to talk to etc etc and used the words 'get rid' as well, all while seemingly having a nervous breakdown. You could say it didn't go well.

I know this post is in a jumbled order but that's a reflection of my head!

Thanks @flightofnow but I'm not going to reverse it, I'm the worst pregnant person for worrying about abnormalities etc and this would amplify it hugely as I was fully aware that starting the process would mean finishing it.

DH and I talked this through extensively for over two weeks and I said even before I knew it was a double pregnancy that I 100% couldn't have twins. I'm at risk by age, multiplies and a previous traumatic pregnancy which ended in a prem baby (and subsequent dark first year obsessing about SIDS and other things that premies were more at risk of. My mental health was at risk and I realised I had to accept that was reality and choose the best path for my existing family.

We would also be moving house at the time I'd likely have to go on bed rest and also starting a new job in a new industry, things that I know were going to pull me out of a difficult year (not covid related).

Anyway I'm starting to feel a bit defensive I do appreciate your comments but just want to ask any further posters not to suggest reversing something isn't realistically achievable as that is a real head%^*+.

I am fully aware that it's not going to be a nice experience but I have a very close friend who has just been through the same and supports me no matter what, for which I'm so grateful for. I've googled and read everything out there to try prepare myself as much as I can, so I don't need anyone telling me how horrific it could be (in my head it's pretty bad already).

Oh OP all of this and then a bust up with your mum. I suppose this probably just had an emotional trigger for her too, and she probably is heartbroken for your sister, but she needs to remember this is about you and she needs to be there for you right now and suppress the rest.

You know why you’ve made this decision and you need to keep reminding yourself. Come back here and read your posts if you have wobbles. (I’ve never been through this but I assume there will be wobbles?)

Well done you for being so strong. Hope all goes OK from here.

Thanks @Babs709 - you're spot on. I didn't tell my sister fwiw - my mum did 🤷🏻‍♀️ I apologised to my sis though and she said she was fine.

I do hope one day if my DD ever goes through a big life issue that I could park my own shit aside and fully support her - whether it's about something I've lived and know, or something I don't have a great understanding of. That's what has upset me so much about what happened with my mum - DH tried to have a word with her when she started dragging up the past (not related to abortion at all) but said to me she doesn't see it. She doesn't see the turmoil I've been in and how much it's cut me up.

DH is being amazing rn and saying it wasn't the right path for us (he was deep down excited about one) which is helping me find peace around it. The big bad day is going to be tomorrow so I just hope it all goes okay and works as it's meant to so I can move on with my life. Certainly been though a lot of shit in my 40 years!

MN has been a life saver throughout this and I appreciate that the pp was removed as it did have quite a horrible effect on me so I'm glad I can't read it again!

I’m sorry that you have found yourself in this position op, and I’m sorry that your mum wasn’t supportive. I don’t have experience of an unwanted pregnancy but I can imagine how scary and consuming it must be to have to make a choice. I hope that things go ok for you physically and mentally. Take care.

Hope you are ok OP, your DH sounds like an absolute gem and thank god you are on the same page. It's a shame about your Mum, people do seem to project where abortion is concerned, I agree wholeheartedly that should your DD ever go through something similar you will be there for her and not project your own feelings as you know how it feels.

Hope it goes okay over the next few days, look after yourself.

Thinking of you today OP. Take care 💕

Thinking of you op. You will be fine - stay calm and strong and trust yourself.

Your own MH is more important than an unwanted pregnancy. If you really feel this is the right thing for you, go ahead and please don't feel guilty about it. You are also important and, as you say, twin births and older mother births are more of a risk. I know of a couple of twins where one child has mild cerebral palsy (others are fine though) but there are future challenges. Sometimes it's more important to put your self first, and if you had a serious breakdown or difficulty caring for 3 tiny children what good would that do for them?

I commented on your previous post OP and I just wanted to send support - what a lot you have had to get your head round in the last 2 weeks. Wishing you peace with the whole process.

I hope you’re doing ok today OP. Thinking of you. Xx

Huge, huge, huge hugs, OP.
I've been there and done that, twice in a row, when I was 39 and 40. My mother's old Irish saying 'God fits the back for the burden' always annoyed me, but it had meaning when I was going through what we as a family went through. I knew in my heart of hearts what I could and could not cope with. There will be many anecdotal stories and shared experiences. But yours is unique simply because it is your own. You are doing right by you and your family and that is what is most important here. You know what you can and cannot cope with. So honour this above all. It will help you in times of darkness to remember that you are honouring this.
Do talk to your consultant about bereavement counselling or online forums for mothers like yourself. It really, really got me through the thick of the trauma and helped me feel safe with the peace I have made. Allow yourself to grieve and yes, it is ok to doubt your choice and still go through with it. That is so normal. That will pass and you will heal. You're not alone in this. There are many mothers out there who have walked your walk. There are lots of virtual handholds that will get you through this struggle. Love will see you through. Don't worry if your DH is sometimes not on the same bereavement page. You won't always be in sync. That doesn't mean he doesn't care/you don't care. Daily life can get in the way of being supportive to one another. DH and I learned that we didn't really need to talk about it as much. Just a hug was enough to remind each other that love gets you through. You'll be a little broken for a while. But that is part of the healing and recovering from having to make one of the hardest decisions in life you have faced... but the right one. Good luck. PM me anytime.

So sorry youre in this position and I hope you get through today and the process with support and its as easy as can be. I never ever ever thought I'd terminate but I did. After 2 miscarriages at 7 and 14 weeks I then had a healthy baby and found myself pregnant when she was 9 months old after contraception failure. It took me and dh weeks to decide but I terminated, it was the best thing for my family but most importantly my mental health at the time. Take care xx

Hi OP just wanted to quickly say I have had a surgical termination and it's nothing to be scared of, it was very very quick and painless and I didn't have any bleeding after and was back to work and normal life the next day. All the best 💐

How are you today OP?

Thanks for these lovely messages everyone. Really feel like I have my little MN support crew and that is getting me through this. It's sad how I've steered clear of talking to friends since I felt judged by one of them when I was saying I wasn't sure I could go through with it (during the shock phase and pre finding out it was twins). Phrases not to say to people in this position include "got rid".

I had first 4 tablets at 12pm and the rest at 3pm. I am really sore at the mo but I do feel relieved that a decision has been made, as horrific as it is. I'm managing to speak with my sis a lot who's been through this and that's a big help. Just hearing it's the right choice for us and our family.

We were so unlucky to fall preg with twins as I would have kept going with a singleton. We just weren't happy with the risks involved and add to that, we are moving to a pretty rural area soon which is a fair drive from the hospital.

It feels sad now to think we really are one and done. I feel like I would want a second but isn't that morally wrong... terminating two (whose health I was terrified for) and trying again. Don't worry, I realise that there is a whole heap of dust to settle and I can guarantee I am socially distancing from my husband for the rest of the year x

@Needingsupportplease thank you for sharing your story. It's so positive to hear from others who know they made the right decision xx

@TheVanguardSix your words are like the best cup of tea, a huge virtual hug, and have brought me lots of peace. I'm sorry you were here once too. Thank you for using your experience to help others like me xx