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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Giving your baby up for adoption

52 replies

Dee96 · 21/04/2020 19:38

I've searched all over the internet for peoples experiences with this and cant seem to find anything so thought I'd make this forum. Quick background, I found out I was pregnant a couple of weeks ago due to failed contraception. I only had a termination last year and am still recovering from it to this day. Its horrible , and dont wish to relive it again. Today I went to my appointment at Marie stopes to find out that they timed my pregnancy wrong, they thought I was 5 weeks but after doing a scan I'm nearly 10. This has completely thrown me. When I had an abortion last year it was just a sac, and though I felt awful it helped knowing this. But this time round its developing and the idea of getting rid of something with a heartbeat doesnt sit right with me. I've tried to discuss my third option, adoption, with both my sister and oh however they both think it has its own implications and I wont be able to go through with it. I'm not for one second under estimating how hard this would be, but I think surely giving life is better than taking it. Has anyone else taken this route and if so how did you feel about it afterwards? Honestly its not even an abortion that scares me but the mental aftermath. I like to think I'd feel better in myself doing this.

OP posts:

triedandtestedteacher · 21/04/2020 19:47

It wouldn't be a viable option for me. I've seem some excellent adoptive parents but I've seen some awful ones too and that would put me off. In the bad cases, the parents never seem to really treat them as their own. They seem to want everyone to know the child is adopted, like they should be receiving an award for adopting them. I would always worry about the child falling into the wrong hands. I think if you're struggling with guilt over termination, you're going to struggle even more with giving over a child to strangers.
Why is keeping the child so out of the question?

YappityYapYap · 21/04/2020 19:49

Before you think of adoption, would you not consider keeping the baby?

n00bMaster69 · 21/04/2020 19:53

Is your OH the father? Would he really be ok to give up his child for no good reason?

FromZeroToHero · 21/04/2020 19:57

Why dont you consider keeping the baby? It is your own blood so I imagine giving it away for adoption would be incredibly hard.

BunnytheHoneyBee · 21/04/2020 19:58

OP are you using the same contraception as you were last year? Sorry if this is obvious but if it has failed twice in the space of 18 months do you need to consider a new form of contraception maybe!

But otherwise yes wondering why you wouldn’t keep the baby.

Adoption is next best option. I don’t believe in termination for convenience sake.

Original poster

Dee96 · 21/04/2020 19:58

Oh doesnt want the child, hes opting for termination. I cant keep the child, I have no job right now and I'm assuming after lockdown employment wont be easy to get into. I don't have a stable home either, currently living with oh and his parents. Hes not been the best and it's not someone I really want to be tied to for the next 18 years. I'd feel bad bringing a baby into all of these circumstances

OP posts:

Bringringbring12 · 21/04/2020 19:59

Please please end this thread.
Talk to Marie Stopes - they will help and guide you. They will 100% NOT push termination.

Original poster

Dee96 · 21/04/2020 20:02

@Bringringbring12 I've already spoken to them and have a surgical booked for next monday. I want to explore my options with people that have had experience in this and how they felt afterwards hence opening the thread. I can speak to someone professionally which I will do but they cant speak for how a women that actually gave her baby up for adoption felt

OP posts:

n00bMaster69 · 21/04/2020 20:02

You also have to think about the effect it would have on the child. Adopted children, even those from non abusve parents do tend to still suffer in some way from it.

If your OH isn't the best then why not just dump and move on? councils will house you if pregnant and homeless, you can go on benefits. You'll get back on your feet eventually.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 21/04/2020 20:04

Whilst adoption is a lovely idea I’ve seen it go wrong from both sides of the fence. I know a woman who gave her baby up almost 60 years ago and she’s never recovered.

n00bMaster69 · 21/04/2020 20:05

I'll leave this thread now as I don't have first hand experience but I do think you are quite naive about how hard it would be for you and the child.

Wish you all the best

Imfinallyhappy1 · 21/04/2020 20:05

I gave my son up for adoption after I was raped at 14. It was horrific and scarred me more than the rape.

Please think about this clearly. If I were in your shoes I'd abort and not continue.

Please feel free to pm me if you'd like to talk further.

CodenameVillanelle · 21/04/2020 20:12

I've been involved in two relinquished baby adoptions as a social worker. It's not straightforward and tidy at all. You still have to register the baby and choose a name. You have to meet with cafcass and the social worker and think about contact and memory books and foster carers.
One couple went forward with the adoption and as far as I know were happy with their decision. Another couple had issues and the baby ended up not being adopted. I know both parents are very happy about that.
The father has to consent. Will he, when there is an actual baby? What if you change your mind and he doesn't? Or vice versa?

Original poster

Dee96 · 21/04/2020 20:12

This is my biggest fear with it all. Pregnancy comes with alot of uncertainty but I would feel even worse knowing I set my child up for a bad life. I dont know what is best at this point. Like everything it has is positives and negatives, I just felt like giving the baby a chance would of been best even if it hurt me to do so

OP posts:

sqirrelfriends · 21/04/2020 20:12

I hope you're ok OP.

Please don't underestimate the bond a mother develops with her baby, even before birth. I would worry that giving up a fully grown baby would be more traumatising than an abortion. You need to ultimately do what's right for you.

IdblowJonSnow · 21/04/2020 20:16

I could never adopt and suspect many women would struggle to go through with it.
Having also had a termination I get why you dont want to go through that again too.
I also can see why you're not in the right place to have a child right now. Do you want children one day?
I'm sorry you're in this situation OP, its really difficult. Ultimately we can all tell your our experiences but none of us will know how you feel

kayakingmum · 21/04/2020 20:23

I don't think you would be setting him/her up for a bad life.
You don't know how your life will pan out. You may or may not stay with your partner. But I doubt anyone else would be able to bond with or understand your child as well as you. I think that is worth a lot - certainly more than money.

FilledSoda · 21/04/2020 20:23

I'd be afraid you might never get over it , assuming your OH even cooperate.
Speaking for myself being adopted has not been a positive experience.

CodenameVillanelle · 21/04/2020 20:24

Also, just to be aware the baby will go into foster care before they get adopted. They will not go straight to the adopters.

YappityYapYap · 21/04/2020 20:43

It sounds like your OH is dragging you down OP. If he's so against having a child, can I ask why he isn't using condoms? Just seems bizarre that anyone totally against having a child would leave the contraception to someone else knowing it's less effective than a condom they have put on themselves! But that's men for you, they seem stunned when a pregnancy results from their lack of application of any contraception.

It's your choice. You have 3 choices. Terminate, keep the baby or go for adoption. I'm not sure where a PP is getting the fact that he needs to consent to adoption from? If he isn't named on the BC, he won't exist. The father can be put as unknown. It's not like he's going to want to take the baby is it?

Giganticshark · 21/04/2020 20:43

If a termination has hit you hard it'll be even harder when your adopted child is reaching milestones in their life and you spend your time wondering about them: what are they doing, how is there education, do they have a family of their own... Do they know you exist?
Adopted children don't always grow up as happy, loved, secure individuals. They will feel doubt, there will be unanswered questions they will want answering in their life.
I do apologise if I come across harsh, it's not my intention. I know you must be feeling awful and confused right now. Best of luck to you.

woodlandwalker · 21/04/2020 20:57

I know women who have both given up babies for adoption (back in the 60s when there was little choice) and had abortions. They all said an abortion was easy in comparison with the lifelong regret caused by the adoption. Adoption will affect you negatively for the rest of your life and is likely to do the same for your child.

Tinad91 · 21/04/2020 21:06

I am about to become a mum for the first time and I was adopted at 3 years old. Whilst I've suffered with mild attachment issues over the years, I wouldn't change a single thing about being adopted. My adoptive mum and dad brought me up incredibly well and knowing that I am about to give life, I will love this baby more than anything I have ever known. Had I been terminated, I would have never existed and I love existing.

Merename · 21/04/2020 21:12

I haven’t had this experience OP, so I cannot say how it would feel. I will get flamed but I support all your sentiments and intentions about preserving your baby’s life. Like you say, there is ‘something’ growing with a heartbeat and I admire you for considering putting their right to life first, this is not a popular viewpoint these days. But equally I wouldn’t judge you for considering a termination, this sounds such a heavy decision for you.

I would add that many women who have not had work and less than ideal circumstances when unexpectedly pregnant have kept their babies and been able to cope. It’s normal, even with planned pregnancies to feel having a baby will be impossible. I hope that the counselling you receive is good and helps you to spend all the time you need considering all three options fully.

Original poster

Dee96 · 21/04/2020 21:30

Yes after alot of thinking I'm pretty sure this isnt the route for me. If I'm going to have the baby I would keep it, just because I know I can trust myself to strive and even if I cant right I can work towards giving it the life it deserves, and dont have to rely on someone else to do that for me. I've spoken to my mum today and she was amazingly supportive of me either way I go with this. It's been such a huge difference for me and my outlook on this all as with my last abortion I felt like alot of people around me had a negative perception on my pregnancy. I know not all adoptive stories turn out bad and when it works it's a great thing, however with so much unsure I wouldn't want to chance it. Thanks all for your advice and support. I have to monday to make my mind up but I feel alot better already!

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