Giving your baby up for adoption

[Dee96]

I've searched all over the internet for peoples experiences with this and cant seem to find anything so thought I'd make this forum. Quick background, I found out I was pregnant a couple of weeks ago due to failed contraception. I only had a termination last year and am still recovering from it to this day. Its horrible , and dont wish to relive it again. Today I went to my appointment at Marie stopes to find out that they timed my pregnancy wrong, they thought I was 5 weeks but after doing a scan I'm nearly 10. This has completely thrown me. When I had an abortion last year it was just a sac, and though I felt awful it helped knowing this. But this time round its developing and the idea of getting rid of something with a heartbeat doesnt sit right with me. I've tried to discuss my third option, adoption, with both my sister and oh however they both think it has its own implications and I wont be able to go through with it. I'm not for one second under estimating how hard this would be, but I think surely giving life is better than taking it. Has anyone else taken this route and if so how did you feel about it afterwards? Honestly its not even an abortion that scares me but the mental aftermath. I like to think I'd feel better in myself doing this.

Gd luck OP, whatever you decide pls don’t underestimate the trauma you may experience with adoption. With the greatest of respect if you think a termination was haunting, I cannot fathom knowing a child of mine was in the world and not knowing them. Please think it through and best of luck!

@YappityYapYap who knows your guess is as good as mine! He left it up to me to get the pill, even though he said he was happy to use condoms he never really bothered. He was more than happy to continue doing what he was doing. Honestly I tried to talk to him today about my latest discovery on being 9 plus weeks and he just dismissed it as 'not being conscious'. Even though he cant deny the heart beat he is telling himself its not alive, whether he believes it or he is saying that to make himself feel better is beyond me but I refuse to take his points into consideration when I know they are all fuelled on what he wants.... which is for me to get an abortion. I did this the first time round and I'm suffering from it today. This time I will do this right and make the choice on what i feel is best for me and my pregnancy.

@YappityYapYap I'm not sure where a PP is getting the fact that he needs to consent to adoption from? If he isn't named on the BC, he won't exist I did say literally in my post that I'm a social worker and have been involved in this process.
If the OP lives with the father or is in an acknowledged relationship with him then the adoption cannot proceed without his consent OR consent can be dispensed with by a court (this might be a high court depending on circs) and there would have to be evidence of this such as DA.
Birth certificates are useful but they are not the failsafe people think they are. If a mother avows a man as the father or if he has a role in a child's life then the law considers him the father regardless of birth certificate.

OP I think you need to re-think your contraception after this. Good luck with whatever you do.

Leave this man

OP. You must do what you think best. Usually for a baby it is best to stay with the birth mother / family unless there is a very good reason.

However in my view (as an adopter), some of the information you have been given re adoption is possibly out of date / wrong / misleading. If you decide to revisit this you may get more up to date advice on the Adoption board. (You won't be persuaded to relinquish there, usually people try to talk people out of it because of potential long term emotional impact for you and the child.)

Dee you need to leave this man. He’s not right. Leave him now.

Do not do anything you don’t want to do.

Can you stay with your mother? Just because you don’t have any income now doesn’t mean your not entitled it. You are entitled to UC. When you leave this man and have time to think you will find making a clear decision easier.

Knowing your child is somewhere in the world will be amazingly hard. But I'd personally rather that 100% than knowing I ended it's life.

I have a couple of adopted relatives (different sides of the family), and they are happy, and with loving happy parents. Both have had steady homes since birth (one went straight to adoptive parents the other had a single foster placement first), and I am immensely grateful that the birth mums of my relatives gave them a chance, and also for the chance for relatives of mine to become parents to them. Where adoption is planned from birth, they can be fostered with the people that will hopefully adopt them, to give more change of continuity.

But it would be hard, really hard for you, that I acknowledge. And even if they dont have a perfect experience or childhood, they will have the chance to go on to do things in life, find happiness etc. I don't imagine many would truly wish they'd never been born.

So I certainly don't think it's kinder for them for you to abort, but it's whether you can cope with adoption.

If you want to keep this baby though, you can find a way, and there may be more support out there than you realise.

Good luck.

Your OH doesn't sound like he's listening to you as he has his mind made, however you need to get everything off your chest and need support whatever your decision. Get in touch with professionals so you know exactly what is entailed.
Is the termination the same procedure as last time?
If you have the baby up for adoption would you have any contact, would you have any input?
What aftercare is available with either decision?

My brother is adopted, as a 6 week old baby (Sorry if this is no help, just wanted to add something which may be a bit helpful )
He has been thoroughly loved by my wonderful parents and me....
As a teen he struggled with having been adopted and hated us all a bit for a couple of years, until a forthright family member gave him a sharp talk which surprisingly helped.
He is in his 50s and chosen not to look up his birth parents yet, his life has been good overall.
For you, you need to imagine the future 1 year, 5 and 10 and decide where you want to be and what you want your life to look like.
Imagine each option and how it will feel at each stage.
Dump the useless BF, and raise your standards much higher for future relationships. Now is the time to take control of your future for yourself, wishing you the best of luck...

If you struggled to cope with a very early abortion then you'll find it incredibly hard to give away a full term baby. Be realistic, OP; adoption is not an easy option for you.

A bit more info on 'modern' adoptions:

• most have some form of contact, mainly 'letterbox' exchange of letters and possibly photos once or twice a year
• you would quite likely be offered the chance to meet the adoptive parents as a one off (not to vet them but to get more of an understanding of them and they of you)
• your DC should definitely be brought up knowing they are adopted, and they would have a 'life story book' explaining how they came to be adopted
• 'foster to adopt' lets a child be placed immediately with parents expecting to adopt if that remains the plan, this removes at least 1 change of carer from the chain

@littlefawn this wont be the same, last time I had a medical at barely 6 weeks. This time I'm going to be 10 weeks plus and will have to have surgical. I'm going to call Marie stopes tomorrow to speak to their pre abortion counselling that they offer. I'm really trying to weigh out all options here. I want to make sure I make the best decision. There is no point talking to my oh as you said he has mind set already so he cant really support or understand anything I have to say which is so frustrating

I'd just like to give a bit of defense to adopted children and the people they grew up to be.

Everyone talks about children given up for adoption in the most negative way. My DP was taken from his birth parents and placed into care as a baby, I won't go into detail but he has said himself he had the type of childhood where people who hear it and say that child should have been aborted... but he wasn't, and he's very grateful and is a wonderful person and father himself.

Don't assume that even if your child doesn't have a perfect childhood, that it means an abortion is the "kinder" option.

There are 2 things I think about your situation:

1. I think you're right to value your babies life and I do not believe that it will cause you more regret than an abortion, if you have the strength to bring them into the world and let them go to a loving home.

2. I would actually not do either of these things if I were in your shoes. I would be sacking off the partner and approaching the council as pregnant and homeless. Get your support from them including accommodation and benefits, to be honest I think it will actually make your situation more stable and put you in control of your own life, grant you some independence.

If you're willing to out yourself through adoption to keep your baby alive, seriously consider going it alone and raising your baby yourself. It will be hard but your situation sounds depressing and oppressive.

@CloudyVanilla I have considered this but I would feel bad to use the baby as a means to better my life or in hope that I can escape my situation. I'm very aware that it may not turn out that well either, I could end up in a hostel or struggle to pay bills and that could lead me into a whole different type of situation. I would really like to offer this baby a chance of life, both me and my oh have agreed if we knew someone caring with a suitable amount of money we would give the child up in a heart beat. But that guarantee isnt there. Another thing is my oh is inisiting that if I continue the pregnancy he would feel it only right to be involved. Which I know for most women would be the one thing they want to hear but I actually think that will make things harder for me. Ideally I'd want to do this on my own, not have a constant attachment to him for the next 18 years. I'd rather my child be raised by someone that wanted it than didnt. I don't know if thinking any of this makes me selfish but his attitude doesnt sit right with me and I think it would only bring my down during my pregnancy which is hard enough.

@CloudyVanilla

Your DH has a horrific childhood with his adopted parents?

Since my oh has addiction problems what would be the legal rights to the child? This is another thing I'm considering if I keep the baby. Would he need to go to therapy to get rights as I wouldn't trust him to be okay to take care of the child

Just read your latest update.

My mum did a fantastic job at raising me single-handed with not much money. My dad was also an addict. He's now recovered and I have a good relationship with him. I had a lovely childhood.

If you struggled with an early termination, then adoption could be much more painful for you. My aunt gave her son up and she suffered all of her life. Best of luck whatever you decide OP. It isn't easy.

If adoption seems like a good option for you go for it. It's better to give the baby a chance at a life. People can grow up happy or troubled whether they live with birth parents or not. You don't know the future but with a termination there is no chance at all.

@7dayslater hope you dont mind me asking but was he around much when we was recovering. I'm happy to hear hes sober and present in your life !

It was periodical. He lived 100 miles away. Sometimes I would see him every fortnight, other times I'd go months without seeing him. He did have 7 years of sobriety when I was an older child during which I saw him regularly and he was a real 'dad', if that makes sense. When he relapsed it became sporadic again. It was tough but he has pulled through.

@Bringringbring12 yes he was fostered and then adopted by an abusive parent.

This was 3 decades ago though so I have to believe the process for being a fosterer/adoptive parent is more astringent.

I've actually since meeting him read similar stories - particularly of foster parents treating non bio children very differently from their bio children. It's very sad and I don't understand the psychology of wanting to adopt a child you actively want to hurt.

Icanniy believe the narrow minded negative replies from people
I fir one would love to know what you decided in the end

I’m a failed abortion with two dead parents and three additional kids needs kids ahressy that don’t want live house avd school I’ve been alone all my pregnancy no help nobody’s been there fir me at all even thiugh lost my dad nobody cares

im past caring nobody cares bit know this baby epild do better in adoptive family and have a better chance than with me who tried to abort him and hus natcassust father he obky trying to use me to have a baby cause my dad was terminal which was why they epukdvt let me retry abortion cause he died

all our stories are unique ultimately these women will not have to walk in your shoes