Abortion trauma

[banksy3245]

I had an abortion on the 22nd January, I really wanted to keep the baby but the circumstances I was in, wouldn't let me.

It took me a very long time to come to a decision to have an abortion, for me the pros outweighed the cons more. However, I had to take into consideration my partners circumstances. We had only been dating for 2 months at the time when I fell pregnant, he comes from a family where finances are difficult at the moment. We both are at uni (I'm graduating in July) and he's starting back uni in September. We weren't in the right position to bring up a child. Although I can type this now, it's not how I'm feeling internally!

My abortion experience was very traumatic, I had to travel all the way to BPAS in Doncaster to get a late medical abortion (never had surgery so was too scared to have the surgical abortion). After my consultation (which was elsewhere) when I went to Doncaster, I was told I'd have to give birth to my baby. I was given 24 hours to come to terms with this! They didn't inform me that I'd have to give birth to him, I had to take 1 pill on the first day & the following day I had to go into the clinic again and stay overnight in which I endured the most painful experience of my life. I got there for 5pm and didn't give birth into 1:22am (tablets were inserted through my vagina). The pain was unbearable, they had to put a shot in my leg (which made me feel very sleepy).

I heard my baby drop in the bucket.

After this procedure I had milk coming out my breasts, I bled for 19 days in total (non-stop) and I couldn't poo for those 19 days (it was too painful)

It was such a traumatic experience for me, I decided to go for counselling & then I got referred to a therapist. Because of the Coronavirus the sessions have been cancelled now.

Has anyone gone through something similar? How do you get over the loss of your baby? Because I never think I will, I regret it so much!

Thank you op im doing much better mentally now so much that im coping totally fine with this suspected chemical. I didnt see a therapist as such but my dm has trained in therapy so i used her for a long time. At one point she even told me i needed more professional help as in her words "you are not the same person anymore". I was incredibly angry and crying all the time and was always threatening to leave dp as he hold me we were never having more children. (he was shitty during the preg as he didnt want it.). My point is it took a long time to feel even slightly normal. You will still have mad hormones and trauma as its a very traumatic event to happen to your body. And january was not long ago. It doesnt help theres still stigma but please be assured theres assholes everywhere. People had a go at me for my mc because i should have used protection and not had an accidental pregnancy so people will always find a way to dig the boot into women suffering.

@SeriouslySoDoneIn

The OP does not owe you or anyone else an apology for posting in the wrong section by mistake. Have some compassion yourself. Women who have had a termination are not taking anything away from women who have had a miscarriage.

OP it sounds like you had a really horrible experience and were conflicted about your decision so it's no wonder you are feeling blue about it, especially in these quarantine times where we have lots of reasons to feel miserable anyway.

I had a termination when I was 18 about to go to uni and even though I knew I had made the right decision (like it sounds like you have) I remember feeling absolutely despair immediately afterwards so understand where you're coming from.

You also have the added traumatic elements of the actual procedure and I'm sorry you had to go through that, it certainly doesn't help your recovery

However what you must remember is that you have made the right decision for you, and I agree from what you've described of your circumstances that it was the right decision. These feelings of regret, trauma and even depression will absolutely mitigate with time. And if they don't please do speak to someone, I'm not sure if there are counselling services available for people who've recently been through an abortion.

I'm now 29, finished uni and lived all over the world, split from my bf that I was with at 18 at 21 and met someone absolutely lovely, have a fab career and have moved to my ideal city. None of which would have happened if I'd have had that baby at 18, or at least would have been extremely difficult. I'm now expecting my first baby and although circs aren't ideal with coronavirus (we were due to get married in two weeks time and my reno project house is only half done!) I knew instantly it was the right time. When I had my termination I knew instantly that it was not the right time. Doesn't mean you're not allowed to be sad about it.

Hope you are feeling better some time soon xxx

@Geepipe that's really good to hear, it's nice to know you have your mum to support you. Unfortunately, I didn't tell my parents or sisters that I had a termination. Only a few close friends and my partner knew.

The therapy sessions I was going to really helped, it was CBT therapy as I was having flashbacks and nightmares, struggling to sleep etc.

How are you coping with your partner now is he a bit more supportive?

I should also mention 3 weeks after the mc my sil had an abortion. It was sad because she needed support but she was too scared to tell me in case i got upeet or angry. Thankfully dp decided i need to know and told me so i was able to text her to see how she was. She didnt need councilling though as she reconciled how she felt pretty early on and had a lot of family support which helped her.

Abortion can be a hard choice for many but as others have said examine your reasons for having one. They are all valid as are your feelings now. Please dont feel any guilt about what happened and certainly dont feel guilty expressing your feelings. They are just as valid as anyone elses. You ending a pregnancy bares no relation to anyone else losing theirs.

Thank you for your response @Christmastree43

I'm really glad to hear you had a positive change in circumstances. Travelling the world would be great, but unfortunately Coronavirus is here.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but was your boyfriend at the time supportive in terms of the grief you experienced?

Thanks for the reports about this thread, which seems to have veered pretty far from the OP's original intention - to receive support and advice from other MNers who've experienced the kind of trauma she's been through.

We're pretty sure that she didn't intend on upsetting anyone when she posted in the wrong topic and, to be clear, we moved the thread as soon as we were made aware of the issue. That said, we're really sorry that some MNers were understandably upset after reading it when it appeared unexpectedly in the wrong topic.

As you've probably noticed, we've had to delete a fair few posts which simply weren't in the spirit of Mumsnet and we'd now like to ask everyone to keep our Talk Guidelines in mind when posting on the thread.

Thanks to those who've posted with support and advice, which we're sure is much appreciated.

Peace and love.

Is your boyfriend not being supportive op? How supportive would your family be if they knew? Its ok if you dont want to tell them of course. Councilling is fantastic. I also remembered being on a facebook group with other people going through the same. Is that an option for you to find a special fb group or forum online theres bound to be one. Sometimes that was a massive help for me and might really benefit you too.

He is supportive @Geepipe but he can't feel the pain I feel. It's a different type of pain, and we're dealing with it differently. He did suggest however that he would be open to going to couples counselling in regards to this issue.

I'm not planning on telling my parents until many many years down the line. I need to heal first before I tell them.

Do you remember what the Facebook group was called? @Geepipe

Thats good he is supportive. Thats really helps i didnt have that with my dp at the time although hes better now he still wont discuss it.

The group i was on was miscarriage association and i remember a lady on there had an abortion and regretted it and posted and she did have mixed responses. But i just typed in abortion into facebook and lots of supoort groups came up and actually loads of regret groups with people talking about their experiences came up. That might help you to see other people feel the same way? Dont worry if it doesnt help you though. When i was on my support group it helped me the first month and then i couldnt stand to hear it anymore and left the group but it was very helpful to my recovery.

Hey Banksy, yes I was fortunate that he was really, even though we were only 18. He would have liked to have kept the baby really but could see it was the right decision. In the first couple of days I think he was very overwhelmed by my reaction, I had a lot of hormones flooding through me and was absolutely devastated and he definitely didn't know how best to handle it at that point but we did get through it together after that.

I'm sorry if your boyfriend isnt being supportive, could you describe in what way? You mention that you're at uni together, are you together physically now with corona? The kind of trauma you experienced is a huge thing and I can see how it could be a lot for him to understand, that's not an excuse but it is a very serious thing and difficult to deal with.

As geepipe says, have you considered sharing this with anyone else? I know it is difficult, personally I didn't tell anyone else as I just didn't know what their reaction would be, not only their opinion on abortion in general but I also felt like I'd be judged for falling pregnant at 18. So I know where you're coming from.

I think in your shoes what I'd tell myself is that what you're going through right now is emotion; but you made the decision through reason, and it was good reason. When the emotions have settled which they will, the reasons will resurface and you will be able to see them and appreciate them.

I think it's so unfair that coronavirus is happening because it also means you aren't able to get out and about, be busy, travel and probably work, so we have more time to dwell on things. But this too will pass! My mum always says, remember that things are only temporary, you will not feel this way forever.

Sorry I posted before your last post about your bf.

I'm so sorry OP. I don't have any personal experience so I probably can't help but I just hope that with time the grief will be less raw. I don't judge you at all, it's completely natural that your experience devastated you. You did what you had to do and time will heal.

Hi op. I've had one abortion, a lot of miscarriage, and I understand what you're going through. If you would like to, feel free to pm me?x

I had an abortion when I was at uni too, I had only known my boyfriend for a couple of weeks before accidentally getting pregnant.
I was not prepared at all for the strength of my sense of loss, and it really did lead to a very dark year of my life. I really wish that I had pursued councilling at the time as it may have helped to shorten that period, so I would keep pushing for that. It's so hard to know who to chat too, I felt like nobody in the world knew what I was going through because people just don't talk about their abortions.

It probably feels a long way off right now, but it absolutely gets better with time. 10 years later, I am so relieved that I had the abortion at that point in my life, it was completely the right choice. That isn't to say that I don't think about that baby ever, I do, but it's no longer a trauma.

Please remember that you are not alone, even when you feel like you are.

@Christmastree43 My boyfriend is supportive, and we don't go to the same Uni. As I mentioned in my original post I'll be graduating in July, he will be starting again in September.

I've told a few of my close friends, but it's one of them things. They haven't been through something like this, so it's hard for them to understand what I'm feeling.

Similar to you, I didn't tell my family as they're extremely religious. They'd see this as a sin, so until I'm fully healed I'm waiting off telling them.

It has been hard with Coronavirus as I'm always thinking about what happened. Even when I'm keeping myself occupied, I still think about it all.

Thank you for this

@Tootletum thank you, I appreciate it

Yes I would @vampirethriller not sure how to pm tho X

Thank you @Hannahthepink

I just feel like the guilt and regret is eating away at me. Which makes the feeling even worse!

I had an early abortion 12 years ago. I was preparing to leave an abusive relationship, and i already had 2 children and was 38 years old. I almost died giving birth to my other children so i knew i had no other choice.
I went to my local BPAS were i was escourted through the back door down a dirty alleyway as there was a protest outside. My nurse was horrible and kept trying to show me my scan then asking what on earth was wrong with me and why was i getting upset? I took the tablets and passed the pregnancy at home- alone and crying my eyes out. I lost so much blood i had to be taken to hospital, where i was put into a room full of pregnant women. I was ignored, not given any pain relief and was given an internal ultrasound at 3 in the morning by a student while watched by several other students and a senior nurse who announced to the whole room about my abortion.
When i finally got home it took me weeks to stop crying. I couldnt find support anywhere- all support groups seemed to be people who wanted God to forgive them for their hideous crimes.
I still mourn my baby every single year. It seems like you are not just mourning but also suffering PTSD from what you have gone through. I found it very helpful to write down what i felt. I buried it under a plant in the garden then watched it grow.
Most of all- allow yourself to greive. Dont let anyoone tell you otherwise.

I’m sorry for your pain and distress.
I’m sad that you didn’t get any decent pre termination counselling and that you weren’t sedated/anaesthetised for the procedure, as I was under the impression this was required.

Hope you have some real life support too.

You have no reason to be guilty. You made a decision and thats ok

there is nothing wrong with having an abortion for any reason at all.

I am surprised that they made you deliver, as medication-based abortion procedures are not an option during the second trimester. You should report the facility where you had the procedure, was it the one in Thorne Road?

Wow that's sounds like a very difficult experience you encountered @Redannie118. I hope you're coping better now!

The plant idea sounds very good! I still have the scan pictures and pictures that the nurse at the clinic took of him as I never want to forget him.

The same thing did happen with me tho, when I went to the clinic there were Christian groups protesting outside the clinic which made it even more daunting.

Can I ask how else you managed to get over this?

Thank you for your response @JackJackIncredible

Me and my partner did go for counselling before the procedure. I had to go to a consultation near my hometown where they went through the procedures that could be offered. In which they told me about the late medical abortion which I opted to go for. However, they didn't tell me that I had to give birth to my baby. It wasn't until I went to the BPAS in Doncaster that they told me this. The nurse held up her two hands and showed me how big the baby would be. At this very moment, I nearly changed my mind.

Yes, my partner and the friends I have told have been supportive thank you!