Dont know whether to go through with abortion

[Dee96]

Hi,i recently found out im 5 weeks pregnant. Im only 22 dont have a full time job, still live at home and am terrified. My partner of only 3 months is dead set on aborting it, he has made me feel pressured into an abortion because it suits his needs not because its was best for me or the future baby. Instead of being emotionally supported he has made me feel worse, and only is ever invovled if its about the abortion despite him convincing me were in this together i've never felt so alone. He has debt and addiction problems, and was barely responsible in our relationship let alone as a dad. He is more worried about his youth being taken aka cant do drugs cant go out with his friends rather than my emotional state or the future. I feel like i dont know him anymore. Im so worried about how he feels and how he is coping that no one has stopped to ask how i am. We both work together so its hard. My mum and sister are both unhappy with my situation and me, they have both verablised how they think im not ready and its best i abort despite then going on to tell me it is however my decision. It doesnt feel that way at all. I dont want to make my mind up on others, when i am the one that would be affected. Im scared to go through with this abortion to always wonder how my life and baby would of been, although my partner tells me i'll get over it and its nothing compared to the pratical issues we have. I know theres truth behind everyones words, but its hurtful and i feel like especially on my bfs behalf it comes from a selfish standpoint rather than a considerate one. Ive been questioning my relationship and who he is, but cant bare to lose my bf and my baby all at the same time. Ontop of that my parents have newly split, my house is for sale and i would need to support my mum not the other way round. Some days i cant bare to think about abortion other days it seems like the only doomed solution. Everyone around me is so negative on this and i dont know what to do or who to turn to. I've already been to the abortion clinic but the further i get into the process the more something tells me its not right. I dont like kids. If i was ever to have them i wished for it to be with my future husband who i loved when im secure. I know the timing is something we dont all get to choose, but as my mum says i have barely done anything with my life and im scared at the thought of the child will be me basically signing my life away. Thanks for reading this. I just need some where to turn in this hard time. I've given myself till next week to make a decision as to whether i should make a follow up appointment with the termination clinic. I need some sort of guidance i feel so so alone. All i want to do is make sure i dont make the wrong choice and be haunted with the regret. Im so scared of every outcome.

I know it was not an easy decision to make for you. I think you're doing the right thing. If he comes near you once you have the abortion I would tell him to get lost. A guy into drugs and in debit will never be a good long term bet especially where a baby or child is concerned.
Your right to out yourself 1st now because long term you want to improve your life. After the abortion I would look into further training or courses you can do to improve your job prospects. I know it might not be easy studying and working at the same time. I know people who were working full-time or part-time and studying also but long term they were able to get better jobs with better pay because of doing this.

@Dee96 I think it seems like the best decision for you as well. You need to put yourself first right now. And don't you dare let that twat of a man come near you again afterwards!! You deserve far better! You have a life to live and you will have that family that you want one day, with a man who actually respects and cares for you and your future children.

I really dont know whats wrong with me. I have my appointment set up for a couple of days time and despite being so confident in my decision i've fallen into a conflicted mess of emotions. I cant bare to be alone because i get swarmed with the feeling of guilt towards my baby. I feel like my appointment is d day for it and im literally counting down the days till i take its life. If im struggling this much now i cant imagine it getting any better afterwards. I know im being unreasonable and my decision is for the best but im so scared of the aftermath. Of that missing void that i will which would of been my baby. Of the regret that will eat me up. I know i'll move on... but i will never get over it and i guess reading horror stories of women that still think and mourn their abortions 30 yrs down the line when they have their own kids and are happy doesnt help. I do love this little thing which scares me because i have never loved anyone except family in my life. And im fully aware im the only one that will grieve this not my partner or parents.

I really cant keep going back on myself especially given ive told everyone im going through with this and can sense their relief. It just wouldnt be fair. Someone tell me its the hormones i feel like my heads going to explode with all these over whelming emotions !

You are allowed to change your mind. You don't have to do this because other people will be relieved. You have to do what you want and what you can live with. It doesn't sound like you want an abortion. Do what you want to do it's no one else's decision.

If it helps, try to visualise yourself in 2, 5, 10 years time. Do you see a child growing up with you in those visions? Does your dream of a nice kind man include him being a kind stepfather to your baby? If not, then perhaps it's best to have the termination. Of course if you can visualise the child, then you have to analyse if your emotions are entirely positive when you think about it, and take the final decision based on that.

FWIW I had an abortion at 19, my ex was abusive and forced me to go for it. In hindsight he did me a favour because I have no long term ties to him and was able to move on to a nice, gentle, loving man, without bringing baggage into the relationship. But at the time I was conflicted and woke up from the general anaesthetic sobbing my heart out. It was the best thing to do in the long run but the hardest to do at that time.

I had to have one a few years ago. It was absolutely the right thing for me, but at the time I just wanted someone to tell me it would be fine and I didn’t need to do this.
I didn’t allow myself to connect - at such an early stage I had to remind myself that this wasn’t “baby”

I couldnt sleep last night at all between all the crying and panicking. I honestly just wanted a hug and for someone to tell me either way it will be okay as dumb as that sounds. When i finally did fall asleep for all of 3 hours i had a dream i kept it and had a baby boy. I was happy in it. I think at this point my heart and my head is just torturing myself. I know i dont want ties with this man forever and there is a better future for me out there, but it doesnt silence this nagging voice in the back of my head. I dont even understand myself anymore. Im just tired of myself. As my ex said i cant keep going in circles with myself and its true because im just dragging myself through the mud. Part of me wishes he told his parents, i have a strong gut feeling that they would be the support kve been seeking as their such lovely people. All my family agree a termination is whats best for me, and of course my ex is relieved he even offered to take me there and support me afterwards how sweet of him (not).

If i dare open up to my family and tell them im having second thoughts they would freak. Am i just getting cold feet, or should i listen to the part of me that makes no sense. I know its silly to be connected so early on - i know its not a baby yet. Its the fact that it has the potentional to be that gets to me. I dont want to be one of those women that after all is said and done knew they made the wrong decision and held it against themselves despite it being for the best. I just really dont know!

Nobody can make the decision for you unfortunately. If you have been seeking out stories of people who regretted abortions online though, those are what you are going to find. You won't find tons of stories posting about how they're glad they had one, because those people are glad, so there's no need for them to make threads about it online. It's generally people who are unhapy or who have problems who make a thread online to talk about something. So you are always going to hear negative stories online more. Especially if you're seeking them.

Hi Dee, You dont have to go through with a termination. You are free to continue the pregnancy. Yes the hormones will be influencing you at this point, but you also have to consider your longer term position. Do you want to be a single mum this time next year? Can you work full time until the birth to support the child? How will you support in the future, is childcare available to you? Will your family help?

Dont feel obliged to have an abortion if you dont want to, I think you need to make a plan if you want to keep the pregnancy though.

I'm older than you and already a single parent. It's hard working all the hours I can to support my two children, when I became unexpectedly pregnant in a new relationship I decided to terminate at around 6 weeks. I knew I couldn't provide for another child and I couldn't cope physically or emotionally either as I would have had little practical support. I found aborting very upsetting, I'm a month on now and feel much better. I have sad moments but im focussing on making a great life.

Please make the decision that's right for you, dont be influenced by other peoples opinions, though do accept that if they are flaky or not supportive (your boyfriend) then you cant rely on them if you continue the pregnancy.

Sorry I’m late here.. I’m going through a very similar situation to you and I really want to know what you decided to do in the end, hope you’re okay lovely xx

Hi @XApril94 i read alot of forums on here usually when people tackle what they're going through they disappear which is understandable. It drove me crazy though as i never knew how their situation ended and i could never find clarity from it. Thankyou for the well wishes. I ended up going through with the abortion its been just 2 weeks over a month now. I will not sugar coat the situation and say it was easy, i had my ups and downs coming to choice with my decision even after it was all said and done. Alot of sleepless nights, tears, regret and feeling of loss. During them nights I'd have a oh no what have i done realisation and kick myself for it. But the one thing that kept me going was the fact that although i believed it wasnt necessarily the 'right' choice it was what was best for myself and everyone involved including my baby, i only wish it was all different but unfortunately we cant always control our circumstances we are in and only learn from it. Another thing that has helped me to stay strong is the promise i made to myself to do better in all aspects of my life. My baby gave me a reason to carry on in a weird way so that i could turn the negative into a positive and work harder so that i can give myself and my future baby what i want and deserve. Before all this i never considered myself to be maternal or even interested in having children, now i can't wait for the moment i have a child with the man i love in a more happier scenario. Im sorry to hear your struggling and i know how lonely this can all feel, if you want to please feel free to message me. The only thing i can say to you is make sure your decision, which although can be influnenced by other factors eg money, the dad, is not pressured or made for you. It must come from you and you alone as you will be the one to face it either way you chose. Take time with it, do not rush yourself even if it feels like there is a countdown on your shoulders. Not to scare you but the choice you make will affect you in some way shape or form for life, but please follow your heart. I listened to my head and reason and didnt trust nor have enough confidence or courage in myself. I believe despite whatever as a mother we can do anything when them instincts kick in to make it through. Best of luck to you hun x

Sorry where its says oh its meant to say no what have i done dont know where the came from!