Dont know whether to go through with abortion

[Dee96]

Hi,i recently found out im 5 weeks pregnant. Im only 22 dont have a full time job, still live at home and am terrified. My partner of only 3 months is dead set on aborting it, he has made me feel pressured into an abortion because it suits his needs not because its was best for me or the future baby. Instead of being emotionally supported he has made me feel worse, and only is ever invovled if its about the abortion despite him convincing me were in this together i've never felt so alone. He has debt and addiction problems, and was barely responsible in our relationship let alone as a dad. He is more worried about his youth being taken aka cant do drugs cant go out with his friends rather than my emotional state or the future. I feel like i dont know him anymore. Im so worried about how he feels and how he is coping that no one has stopped to ask how i am. We both work together so its hard. My mum and sister are both unhappy with my situation and me, they have both verablised how they think im not ready and its best i abort despite then going on to tell me it is however my decision. It doesnt feel that way at all. I dont want to make my mind up on others, when i am the one that would be affected. Im scared to go through with this abortion to always wonder how my life and baby would of been, although my partner tells me i'll get over it and its nothing compared to the pratical issues we have. I know theres truth behind everyones words, but its hurtful and i feel like especially on my bfs behalf it comes from a selfish standpoint rather than a considerate one. Ive been questioning my relationship and who he is, but cant bare to lose my bf and my baby all at the same time. Ontop of that my parents have newly split, my house is for sale and i would need to support my mum not the other way round. Some days i cant bare to think about abortion other days it seems like the only doomed solution. Everyone around me is so negative on this and i dont know what to do or who to turn to. I've already been to the abortion clinic but the further i get into the process the more something tells me its not right. I dont like kids. If i was ever to have them i wished for it to be with my future husband who i loved when im secure. I know the timing is something we dont all get to choose, but as my mum says i have barely done anything with my life and im scared at the thought of the child will be me basically signing my life away. Thanks for reading this. I just need some where to turn in this hard time. I've given myself till next week to make a decision as to whether i should make a follow up appointment with the termination clinic. I need some sort of guidance i feel so so alone. All i want to do is make sure i dont make the wrong choice and be haunted with the regret. Im so scared of every outcome.

Your body your choice.
whatever you choose has to be right for you and what you want.
I too got pregnant when I was 22 however i had been with my partner for 5 years but he was still against me keeping the baby as we didnt have a house , my job wasnt great and he didnt have a job but i knew that i didnt want to have an abortion and i wouldnt forgive myself for doing it just to make him happy .
its very easy for a man to suggest such things when they dont have to go through with it.
anyway 5 years later we have a flat and a house , he has a very good job and I am pregnant with our second child.
things will always work themselves out in the end .
At the time of going through what your going through i honestly thought the world was going to end and it was a horrific time for me but now I am older and look back i realize how selfish and horrible my partner was.
Everyone knows sex can result in pregnancy regardless of what precautions you take and if he was willing to have sex with you then he needs to be willing to accept responsibility.
Whatever you do just make sure you do it for YOURSELF and nobody else.

Personally, I wouldn't want to have a child with such a horrible man. You need to get him out of your life completely and immediately. Your financial situation is also dire, which will make supporting a child extremely difficult, and you don't have your own home. Whatever the case, only you can make this decision. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time.

Is there anyone you can talk to that will just let you talk, rather than give their opinion?
I am having an abortion next week but found it very difficult to come to that decision, I’m not sure I could cope with the amount of options you have on your shoulders, no wonder you are confused!

When you look deep down, what do you want? Take what everyone else thinks away and try and discover what it is that you want. Having a baby is really hard work, not going to lie. It’s one of the biggest commitments you’ll ever make and is much harder than I ever imagined it to be. Saying that, I’ve never regretted having my children and they have added massively to my life.

Your partner sounds like very hard work. Of course you should consider his feelings but it doesn’t sound as if he is really there for you or will offer much support either way. Is there any way you can spend some time away from him while you figure it out?

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Hope you don’t mind but I’ve asked for this to be moved to a different board as it might be upsetting for other members on here.

You have been with him for 3 months. You don’t know him at all. You will be a single parent. You will have this man involved in your life for years in one way or another. If you are prepared to accept that then continue the pregnancy. Otherwise have a termination.
Those are your stark choices. And it’s shit for you.

Hi OP

We're just moving this over to pregnancy choices for you.

I had 2 abortions. The reasons were I was young, I had no home of my own, no support, dicked head bf who was not supportive, I wanted any child I had to have the best possible start.
They were my reasons and 26 years later I am still comfortable with my decision.

Our reasons for aborting or keeping don't matter. Only yours. Its a shit choice to make but you must not be influenced by anybody else's reason as you have to live with that choice we don't.

It's your decision and nobody else's, OP. But I think you should prepare for being a single parent if you do decide to go ahead.

It's your choice but realistically you will be a single parent and it sounds like you don't have a particularly supportive family. If you have the strength to raise your child alone then look and see what financial support you can get, get on the housing list etc. I'm not judging you either way, but my gut feeling is you aren't ready to be a parent

I agree with what everyone is saying. i am not ready nor prepared. But its happened now. Of course i dont want permanent ties with a man im struggling to see a future with, im worried i would look at the baby and just have a constant reminder of him and this hard time. I would not expect anything from him although my partner has told me he would unwillingly be obliged to help out of the goodness of his heart. I dont have anyone to talk to that wont talk down on the situation and being bombarded with everyones thoughts and opinions has only made things more difficult for me. I really dont want this. But its my reality and i cant run from it unlike him. I dont want to be a mum like this but can i bring myself to terminate what i know could be my daughter or son. I dont know. All i know is i wouldnt be okay afterwards. And i doubt the way i would look at my partner would be the same

@dee96 If it makes you feel any better i do not think many people ever are really prepared or ready however it did end up working out fine for me and myself and my partner grew stronger but it could have easily gone wrong and i could now be a single mum so i understand your worries however there are plenty of single mums that are just fine and wouldnt change there situation and there are also many women who have had abortions and been fine.

I did also have an abortion about a year after my child was born but i knew straight away that was what i wanted without any doubt but if i had any doubt i dont think i would have gone ahead with it.

I really feel for you that you dont have anyone to support you right now cause its so horrible, please feel free to message me if you ever want to chat.

You still have time to think things through. Don't rush a decision. Decide one way or another and then live with that decision for a few days, then swap. I've been where you are and I terminated; it was the right thing for me and I have never regretted it. Good luck

Doesnt sound the right time or partner to me op.
It could be so different having your first baby-with a loving partner who you are settled with.
This is only a potential baby at this stage, imo. You can choose to proceed or to put things off for the future. Not all women regret abortions their whole lives, particularly when they know the circumstamces weren't right

This loser is NOT your partner. He's a drug addict you've barely known for 3 months who will abandon you and your child.

What Wild said. I wouldn't want any ties to this man. Personally I'd have a termination and dump him, he's a total loser.

I agree with PP suggesting terminating both the pregnancy and all ties with this horrible, waste-of-space man. Obviously your choice but I can't see how this could have much of a happy ending.

I got pregnant at 15 with someone older and useless and no one thought I should have the baby but I did and I love my girl but it's fucking hard I'm not gonna lie it's a lot harder than you can imagine. But I knew I couldn't live with having an abortion so I made the decision I could live with and it was the right one. This is your decision and nobody else's. Hugs x

You are still very very early in your pregnancy, so don’t feel you have to rush. You don’t want to do something in haste that you will later regret. I don’t think this man will be a good dad though; he certainly doesn’t sound like a good partner, unfortunately. So make your choice based on you, not on what he wants, or the expectation that the relationship will last.

Thankyou all for your replies and input. Its a relief to not be in such an over opinionated enviroment. In all honesty all these things regarding my bf i have considered. He is clearly not who i thought him to be. Its early days but his true colours are showing, its just unfortunate im now pregnant with him. I tried to open up to him about how lonely i feel and he asked me what he wanted me to do about that! Maybe not make me feel so isolated in a situation we both got ourselves into. In terms of saving or sustaining my relationship that is not a concern of mine. Im more worried about my future my feelings and this little thing inside me. Its sad because if i had more of a support system i would feel more inclined to keep this. Im not going to lie im definitely not ready let alone thinking i can cope on my own. I guess i am rushing things but thata simply because im scared the more time and more this baby develops the more reluctant id be to get rid of it. It sounds so silly to say but right now i already feel a little connection to it - more so than with my partner. But maybe i will try giving myself time to ponder in one option then the other to see if one makes me more feel better than the other. Its just so hard and feels like such a hopeless situation. I feel like nothing in my life right now, family, partner, money, where im at in life at this moment is working out in my favours to keep this. If there was some shed of light it would help. But like everyone says this does seem set up to be a sad story although i know plenty of peoples stories can go either way. Its all so 50/50 and the lack of certainty is what makes this decision making even harder. No one can guarantee me i will be happy and fine at the end of either outcome

Hope you are ok OP such a hard decision either way you choose

Going by what you are saying I think you might find an abortion very traumatic and regret your decision as it sounds like you have already connected to your pregnancy and tbh it doesn’t sound like you want an abortion at all only that you feel you should because of your bf, family and current situation. It is your body and your life you have to live so only you can decide and only you will live with the consequences of either decision. Maybe get some counselling first I think Marie Stopes offer pre abortion counselling and hopefully you made the right choice for yourself.

I have my good days and bad. Its hard to think sense when the pregnancy hasnt been easy. I am serve pain and they thought it might be eptopic so between all the drs and hospital appointments, and being prodded with needles and having interneal scans plus feeling sick and in pain i do find it hard to have the motivation to think of anything. I also think this situation has made me abit depressed because i know have this i dont care anymore attitude. I will try and talk to someone professional even though as my mum remarks she doesnt see the point as they cant give me the answer...and i know that. But im pretty sure im now leaning towards abortion. I see myself with a better man in a happier future, with someone that will look after me when im going through a hard pregnancy. Im not ashamed to say im already struggling through this on my own and respect women that can do this because i surely cant. I even struggle with a six hour shift at work now and dont know how some women can work up until the last month of pregnancy. But all this has just shown me im not ready and rightfully so. Its not like these past two weeks of pregnancy have been a walk in the park for me physically let alone emotionally. Thankyou all for your replies i will keep you posted on my decision

All my thoughts with you whatever you decide OP. Definitely think talking to a specialist could help you organise your thoughts. I do agree though that you clearly have visions of what your future holds - and that's a good thing - and this pregnancy ought not to ruin the visions you have of your future (either way you decide). You have your whole life ahead of you, one way or the other and you need to put yourself first and think about the kind of life you want to live.

Also just want to say that I'm only 25 and have a one year old, I also had a difficult pregnancy, and struggled financially. But the major difference between me and you is my partner always supported me, he always supports me and I couldn't think of anyone better to have a child with. I also have/had practical and financial support from my parents. And I did have a secure, FT job, and now secure housing too. There is no reason why you couldn't start a family sometime in the future with a man that actually deserves your time.

Having a baby now will change the course of your life, this means it could prevent you from having other, wanted babies in the future. I had a termination at 24 and while I felt so guilty at first, I now have two gorgeous girls with my wonderful husband, and I doubt we would have even met if I had gone ahead with the pregnancy then, so that unwanted baby in less than ideal conditions would have prevented my two lovely daughters from coming into the world. If you think like this it might help with your decision. It's not easy x

Thankyou everyone. Well my (now ex partner) called it off today and said he needed space for a while. Not before being distant and cold. He broke down and finally admitted he cant go through with this and wants no part of me and the process. I had previously already decided what i wanted to do regarding everything, and ive decided on abortion being best. I guess i will just be doing things on my own. Its hard being ditched especially by the person that has done half of the work to put me in this situation. I wish i could just run away and come back when things are more to my liking, and in all honesty i see it as a slap to the face that he even thinks he can leave me at my worst and come back at my best. But i need to put myself first and ive made a promise to myself that by going forward with the abortion i will better myself and my life so its not all in vain making a positive out of this negativeness. Thankyou all for your input it helped alot