Termination due to antenatal depression

[Aimee3]

Hello,
I am looking for anyone who has ever had a termination of pregnancy due to overwhelming antenatal depression or anxiety?
If so how have you come through this?
Thanks,
Aimee

Hey Throwmeaway95, I saw your messages and that they're from a week ago. I was shook to see you considering suicide. I hope you are working your way through things and not still thinking of killing yourself. Hope to hear from you to know you're okay, dear.

Hello! Thank you for responding, I’m still here. I’m trying my best but it’s been difficult. I accepted the pregnancy and was trying to move on and feel excited about it but a couple of days ago I started spiraling again. I’m having a hard time at the moment. I’m paying out of pocket for a psychiatrist which is around $600 usd, so just another added stress and strain on my family. I’m just a financial and emotional burden on my family at this point. I wish I could turn back time and never have done this. I paid for genetic testing and I don’t even want to know the results. My thoughts have got to the point where I not only think of hurting myself but now I worry about my family. I called immediately to meet with a psychiatrist. I told my therapist that I know I look forward to a year or 2 from now but I can’t imagine tomorrow. There’s just too much pain but I have to be here for my family. Im scared, I’m running out of options. God forgive me for the decision I may have to make.

If anyone would like to chat. I’m here. Time differences may delay my response but I’d love to hear from anyone who’s been in my situation. Whether you terminated or kept the baby.

Oh my gosh Thow, I'm so sorry that you are feeling lost in a dark woods of emotions. I am glad you're getting the counseling, but maybe you also need help and support. Are there any family/friends who would be able to babysit or help in other ways if you just need a little time to yourself?
I think what you need to focus on is that this was a planned and wanted baby.
I'm assuming you and your husband talked about it and decided to give your son a little brother or sister. Feelings are real and unavoidable, but they also can lie, and change. If you abort and then later realize you really did want this baby, or your feelings go back to when you were planning the pregnancy, that could set you up for years of grief and regret. Maybe you need to talk to your husband and review the reasons you decided to try for another baby, and get back to that mindset. So sorry you are hurting so much, will be praying for you, dear.

@OrigamiSnowball yes I try to be pretty open with my husband just because I worry about my thoughts sometimes. Termination was never on the table until recently, I just feel like nothings getting better and I worry about my son and family. I’ve even had intrusive thoughts about my family and that terrifies me. I had my first appoint with my psychiatrist today and she given me some different medication and I hope that helps. As much as I’m clinging on to the hope that things will get better and I wanted this child, I’m worried about what I could possibly be capable of when I’m in a bad space. She worded something similar to, right now I have my rational part of my brain that talks me out of things but what if it switches off? I have to take care of my son and family I have. I’m just hoping things will get better. Trying to take it day by day. I have no history of mental illness so this is all new for me.
I also have family but no one knows about my pregnancy and I am ashamed of how I feel. I don’t think they would understand these emotions from a pregnant women. My mom is a worrier so I don’t want to burden them. It’s tough feeling like a monster with these thoughts so I’m trying to get help and have some time to myself with my son spending some time with family but he’s also very close to us so he doesn’t always want to leave! Lol! I know he feels something is going on and I think he doesn’t want to be far from us. I also don’t want to make him feel like I want to kick him out if he wants to stay with us. It’s his home to so it’s difficult trying to put a happy face on all the time. I’m just exhausted but I’m so grateful for my husband, he has truly been my rock and has picked up the slack when I’ve fallen. I feel bad for him, I wish he had a normal wife lol.

Hey Throwmeaway, it sounds like you're doing all the right things. It's good that you're concerned about your actions, but since you have your great husband to keep an eye on you, if you started to act irrationally I think he would see the warning signs. Don't say you wish he had a "normal wife," everyone has challenges and he decided that a relationship with you was worth it. I don't think you said how old your son is but hopefully not where he doesn't understand what's going on. That's great that there is a medication you can take while pregnant, the mental health industry seems to be making good progress with treatments. It's okay to not have a happy face on all the time, and to be honest when you're sad, scared, or tired. Don't forget that there is power in prayer and you can reach out to God when you're feeling overwhelmed. I think you'd be surprised by how many people have thoughts that they'd want to hide, or that they'd be horrified if they acted out on. It sounds like you would be a better parent since you're aware of them and can make a plan for how to deal with these thoughts if they ever got tempting. Maybe a good thing to talk to the counselor about. We ALL doubt ourselves, don't be too hard on yourself, dear.

I know this is an old thread but I can’t believe I’ve eventually found people that have been through this. Why is perinatal depression not spoken about more? Much wanted and planned pregnancy but I feel into a dark hole where I was trying to kill myself several times a day. No history, totally out of the blue as the hormones rose. There was no option but to terminate as my kids were at risk of losing their Mum. Totally confusing afterwards as the hormones die down quickly and you can forget how bad things really were. In speaking to my husband last night I’ve discovered that my brain has literally blanked some of it out - I don’t even remember some of what happened. If anyone’s still getting notifications on this thread - how’s everyone doing?

@Poster57 i just saw this thread and your unanswered post, peri natal anxiety termination survivor here - it happened to me 8 months ago, I’m just trying to get back on the horse and figure out what the hell happened to me. How are you? X

Thanks for responding. Its tough. It was just over a month ago and honestly the first couple of weeks were easier than the next two. I think initially there’s such relief from the hormones lifting but there’s still processing to do. It’s quite clear that my body isn’t processing hormones as I should be even in normal times but I’m needing to stop obsessing trying to work out the why and how it happened. I think it’s so easy to wrongly doubt yourself when it’s mental health. It’s hard feeling that decisions have been taken out our hands as well but I’m trying to realise that it obviously wasn’t meant to be. I’m extremely lucky to have other family, I’m just so desperate to settle to enjoying life with then. How are you?

@Poster57 - I’m okay, I’m just trying to really work out what happened to me and how to avoid it again.

was this your first pregnancy and how old are you if you don’t mind me asking?

i have recently been messaging a lady who went through the exact same ordeal and it’s really helping. I’d be happy to talk to you more about it. Il re read your post too to remind myself of your circumstances x

@Poster57 - just re read post, it’s so so hard cause you have no control over your mind at the time and it’s all consuming. I think I suffer from PMDD, which I am now linking to my reaction to the early pregnancy hormones.
did you have anything similar with your other pregnancies?

This is exactly where I’ve got to. It’s become so clear now. That first cycle after has been horrendous but felt very familiar and made me realise/accept it had been happening in the luteal phase for a while

Hi all, still noticed this thread is still active!
Just wanted to reach out as I'm in exactly the same position except my termination is booked in for 3 weeks time.
I'm pregnant with my 3rd (unplanned) I was finished at 2 kids, and very happy might I add! Been doing the baby/newborn/toddler stage for the past nearly 6 years and just getting out of it so was so happy to finally be getting my life back on track then I find out I'm pregnant- HUGE SHOCK! I knew instantly I wanted an abortion due to previous mental health issues but I let people around convince me that I'm a good mum and I would cope but its not that simple :( I am adamant I want this abortion I just don't want to regret it, but at the minute I feel so trapped like this is all a dream and it will go away by itself!
Sorry for the long post :(

Sorry to hear that you are in this position. If you read the previous posts you will see that almost everyone regrets it and wishes deeply they could go back and make another choice. Sometimes before the fact it feels like a termination will take you back to where you were before the pregnancy, however unfortunately every pregnancy changes us no matter what the outcome. The baby / toddler phase is tough no doubt about it. But it does pass. I can tell you that my grief and regret will never pass. It’s something that is present every day of my life. This is strong, but I wish someone had said this to me.

@Eloise34 thankyou so much for replying to me
I have probably read every blog on the Internet ar this point :( hoping other experiences would be able to help myself...
Could I ask you a question please? Did any part of you want to keep your baby before you terminated? As I honestly don't want this baby :( I'm not bonding at all, I just didn't want any more kids and I'm not sure if it's the change that's scaring me or if it's just the fact I know im going to to be doing it alone like I have foe the past 6 years:( xx

No I didn’t. I told my husband I felt nothing for the baby. I deeply regretted being pregnant. Once it was over and the hormones came down, all the maternal feelings and connection came rushing in and the grief was unbearable. This is your little baby, and you are already its mama, whether you continue or not. If you don’t continue, you will become a mama who has lost a child. I don’t mean to sound pushy or anti choice, just what you need to know before you make your choice. Termination is pregnancy loss. Yes it’s a choice, but the pregnancy is still lost. You might be surprised as to how much the hormones are playing a role here. Again, strong words from me but just what I wish someone had told me. Everyone was all ‘it’s your choice’ ‘it’s your body’ etc, I wish I had been made to think deeper.

@Unblossomedflower - I agree with what @Eloise34 - has said. It is a loss, even though it's a choice. I still grieve for the baby I terminated almost 40 years ago at the age of 20. My situation was different, as it was my first, but I regretted it almost instantly and have done every day since. I was overwhelmed by the feeling of loss, and totally unprepared that I would feel that way for something that had been my own choice.
I know it's not the same for everyone, and it may not be for you, but I think you do need to be absolutely certain that it is what you want before going ahead. The finality of it shocked me too, when I realised I'd changed my mind, but there was no turning back.

@Unblossomedflower I am very sorry you are having to go through this, please make your own decision and don't be swayed be others Yes, it is an awful thing to go through but it is entirely your decision. Whatever you decide just be kind to yourself. Sometimes we don't have a choice. Sending lots of love xxx

Hi @BirdUmbrella OP here im so sorry to hear you have gone through this, I have gotten through it, I have grown and learned so much from it and made new friends who have experienced the same. I know you must feel in such a dark place, but it does lighten and starts to make sense. If you want to send me a DM and we can have a chat?