Pregnant DH is SAHD and doesn’t want another.

[Jobea91]

Feel so so stuck.
I have a 10month old daughter and work full time in a school, next year I’m meant to be working at that school + doing a PGCE and then I’ll be earning much more comfortable amount, but for these 2 years before I’m qualified money is very tight.
DH looks after DD and also works from home on a lot of different freelance jobs, he finds it very difficult sometimes but for multiple health reasons can’t go and work in an office environment and doesn’t want to use childcare until DD is older. Original plan was have second baby in around 3-5 years time.

So on Monday realised I’d been having pregnancy symptoms so took a pregnancy test thinking I was being silly, BFP, same Tuesday, then three days BFN then today a BFP again. Still preg symptoms all week.

My husband feels very stressed about me being pregnant and the idea of having to look after two babies and work from home.
I would take a long maternity leave in a heartbeat but I’ll only be able to afford 6-8 weeks.

We’ve talked a lot and he says Ive chosen a lot of big life decisions that have negatively impacted him (moving home from living abroad because I missed UK, choosing this career option which means much less money for 2 years, living I. London so I’m nearer my parents, having DD) and it’s selfish for me to keep this pregnancy when he would be the one looking after them in the day having the most difficult time. I say I’d have a difficult time getting no sleep and I do all childcare evening, night weekend and school holidays (I have DD all night and cosleep - he gets to sleep in different room) but he says I can choose for myself to make that sacrifice but can’t choose for him to sacrifice.
He said if there’s a way I can get much longer maternity leave or somehow work from home myself he would be happier to have to kid but we aren’t sure what I could do that wouldn’t drastically cut into savings or fuck up/massively delay my career.
Money is really tight at the moment and every pound is allocated, my parents know I’m pregnant and are very supportive and buy what they can to help with DD while money is tight (nappies and clothes) but they both work full time and can’t help with child care.

So I’m really not sure what to do, I feel like I’d just quit my job and live with parents to be able to look after them both myself until they’re old enough for childcare voucher help but my husband wouldn’t want to live with my parents and wouldn’t be able to afford his own rent somewhere else.

The idea of terminating this baby when I could technically figure it out and keep it makes me feel so sick and sad and reading accounts of what you go through for a termination is terrifying. I think the baby would be due in November and I’m about 6 weeks but I would just can’t imagine ever getting over it if I terminated it.
If I had a miscarriage I would be able to cope a lot better because I didn’t choose to do it if you know what I mean, I know it’s still very early and that could happen.
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow.
What can I do? Am I being selfish for thinking my husband should look after them for a couple of years rather than me having to terminate? Writing that out maybe it is. Maybe I’m so sad because I know probably termination is right.
He’s also said he wouldn’t agree to anything that involves delaying career or borrowing money - and says if I need more money I just need to figure out how much and make it online. I feel like I’m going to get put in a situation where I have a termination and he framed it as being my choice because I didn’t figure out a way to make more money. Howe we he also said he might not be able to go through with it if it came to it but think he wants me to lead the decision so he doesn’t feel as bad or something.
Am I being a dick? Just tell me if I should suck it up and do it,

I don't think it's fair to have a second child in these circumstances. Your dh looks after a10 month old all day, works all evening and weekends, has health issues, has saved up money and has allowed you to make all the major life decisions. How on earth are people calling him names!
Cut him some slack. The answers would be very very different if the sexes were reversed.

You can't just reverse the sexes on this one because the OP is pregnant and in charge of her own body. I don't think it's unreasonable not to want to be a SAHP/WAHP to 2 kids but you can't make someone have a medical procedure. You have to find another way.

We’ve talked a lot and he says Ive chosen a lot of big life decisions that have negatively impacted him (moving home from living abroad because I missed UK, choosing this career option which means much less money for 2 years, living I. London so I’m nearer my parents, having DD)
This seems unfair of him – presumably you BOTH chose to have your daughter, you BOTH chose leaving Japan and living in London. It's not like you got pregnant single-handedly either time, or kidnapped him and stuffed him onto a plane home, or held him at gunpoint to buy/rent a London place. It sounds as though he went along with decisions that he's now blaming you for? Equally, you could point out he's decided not to put your DD in childcare, which negatively impacts you both; and he's decided to sleep in a different room and not take the night-shift, which impacts you. All this stuff is joint. (Unless it isn't, in which case there's a problem.)

It also sounds like lots of different issues are getting mixed up at once, which derails the actual issue at hand: your pregnancy. It's not really fair to try to talk about the pregnancy but for him to then add in "and I didn't want to move from Japan!" Different issue.

I would tackle the #1 issue in isolation from all the rest, which is: do you want to have this baby? It sounds as though you don't want to terminate, so there's your answer. You then decide on all the other stuff, but one issue at a time.

You thought Japan was ok to raise a child in, in the first and second trimester, so maybe go back? I know you don't want to, but in the spirit of compromise it could help. If you earn more, then you can maybe save to have more time off, can pay for childcare etc. It means your husband can choose whether to be a SAHD or not, or maybe go part time.

Get rid of him, he is the biggest drain on you.
I did a pgce with 2 DD over 2 years after moving in with my parents. Hard bloody work BUT I wouldn’t change it- I’m in SLT now and have more than quadrupled what I did earn as a TA when I first fell pregnant.
Best thing I ever did was have my babes and do my PGCE.
Good luck xx

How is he a drain?

He looks after the dd during the day. He works evenings and weekends. He contributes to savings. He moved continents when the op wanted to. He brought forward ttc #1 when op wanted to. He moved to London when op wanted to.

It's a huge shame he doesn't feel ready for dc2, and there's a big discussion to be had there, but honestly what has he done, thus far, that deserves all the hatred thrown at him?

I can’t believe people are asking why he doesn’t work. When is that ever said to SAHMs who are equally as draining if we compare like for like. Having said that, no, he cannot have the final say over what you do with your own body. But you will both need to sit down and work out how to change the situation to suit both of you if you’re having another child

Thank you so much for all your advice and all the many different angles to look at there’s loads I hadn’t thought of.
The PGCE is salaried as an unqualified teacher the same salary I’m on now.
I told him I definitely want to keep it and suggested a lot of ways that would mean he doesn’t have to look after them (including moving in with parents/getting a loan to be able to extend maternity/him figuring out a way to earn more and I sahm etc) but he doesn’t want to change what his job is and he’s really missing Japan and I feel like a lot because he associates his work balance being so different in Japan, my job paid for everything and he could be really picky with jobs he wanted. I don’t think he’ll actually be much happier with 2 kids there than here but he says he would be.
Maybe I’d consider going back and living there in some circumstances as a comprise but it was very scary being pregnant and realising I needed to leave and having so much financial cost and hoops to jump through to leave again if we wanted to and I have huge doubts about if it’s right for our daughter and being so far from my family who she currently sees a lot.

But this Japan thing is a very different issue for another forum post!
Thank you for your help helping me clarify it is quite simple that I don’t want to terminate and I think he understands.

I haven't read all the comments, but I just wanted to say you shouldn't terminate for the reasons you give above. Timing is never perfect and lord knows many of us have had unexpected pregnancies and tiny age gaps between kids. My 1st was just 6 months old when I found out we were expecting again. I cried. We were house sitting, and our landlords had just sold the property so we had to move, my eldest was born with a deformity that required years of surgery and I wanted that to be over before having a second, I hated my job, and I couldn't imagine anything more stressful than having another baby, but I managed it PRIMARILY because my DH was delighted with the situation. The first year was mental, but I managed and I'm so glad I did. For context, I aborted my 4th pg 3 years ago, because my DH said he couldn't cope with a 4th, (HE couldn't cope!!) and it was the most traumatic decision of my life and one I've deeply regretted ever since.