Pregnant DH is SAHD and doesn’t want another.

[Jobea91]

Feel so so stuck.
I have a 10month old daughter and work full time in a school, next year I’m meant to be working at that school + doing a PGCE and then I’ll be earning much more comfortable amount, but for these 2 years before I’m qualified money is very tight.
DH looks after DD and also works from home on a lot of different freelance jobs, he finds it very difficult sometimes but for multiple health reasons can’t go and work in an office environment and doesn’t want to use childcare until DD is older. Original plan was have second baby in around 3-5 years time.

So on Monday realised I’d been having pregnancy symptoms so took a pregnancy test thinking I was being silly, BFP, same Tuesday, then three days BFN then today a BFP again. Still preg symptoms all week.

My husband feels very stressed about me being pregnant and the idea of having to look after two babies and work from home.
I would take a long maternity leave in a heartbeat but I’ll only be able to afford 6-8 weeks.

We’ve talked a lot and he says Ive chosen a lot of big life decisions that have negatively impacted him (moving home from living abroad because I missed UK, choosing this career option which means much less money for 2 years, living I. London so I’m nearer my parents, having DD) and it’s selfish for me to keep this pregnancy when he would be the one looking after them in the day having the most difficult time. I say I’d have a difficult time getting no sleep and I do all childcare evening, night weekend and school holidays (I have DD all night and cosleep - he gets to sleep in different room) but he says I can choose for myself to make that sacrifice but can’t choose for him to sacrifice.
He said if there’s a way I can get much longer maternity leave or somehow work from home myself he would be happier to have to kid but we aren’t sure what I could do that wouldn’t drastically cut into savings or fuck up/massively delay my career.
Money is really tight at the moment and every pound is allocated, my parents know I’m pregnant and are very supportive and buy what they can to help with DD while money is tight (nappies and clothes) but they both work full time and can’t help with child care.

So I’m really not sure what to do, I feel like I’d just quit my job and live with parents to be able to look after them both myself until they’re old enough for childcare voucher help but my husband wouldn’t want to live with my parents and wouldn’t be able to afford his own rent somewhere else.

The idea of terminating this baby when I could technically figure it out and keep it makes me feel so sick and sad and reading accounts of what you go through for a termination is terrifying. I think the baby would be due in November and I’m about 6 weeks but I would just can’t imagine ever getting over it if I terminated it.
If I had a miscarriage I would be able to cope a lot better because I didn’t choose to do it if you know what I mean, I know it’s still very early and that could happen.
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow.
What can I do? Am I being selfish for thinking my husband should look after them for a couple of years rather than me having to terminate? Writing that out maybe it is. Maybe I’m so sad because I know probably termination is right.
He’s also said he wouldn’t agree to anything that involves delaying career or borrowing money - and says if I need more money I just need to figure out how much and make it online. I feel like I’m going to get put in a situation where I have a termination and he framed it as being my choice because I didn’t figure out a way to make more money. Howe we he also said he might not be able to go through with it if it came to it but think he wants me to lead the decision so he doesn’t feel as bad or something.
Am I being a dick? Just tell me if I should suck it up and do it,

It is clear you dont want the abortion. You need to discuss the options you have with the extra baby. He doesnt want to childcare, then he needs to look at an au pair / nanny share maybe??? Or other form of childcare.

Is he actually making good money working from home? As you said you would be £1k a month down on matleave but surely as you would be home doing the childcare, he could be working.

Sorry i meant working more during the day.

How does he manage to look after DD, house while working from home.

Sounds like he wants it all his own way. He doesn't want to work so he plays at being a freelancer.

Why is it only you trying to improve your family life, you could put DD in nursery for a couple of days a week and he could use that time to concentrate on improving his freelancing business and his prospects to help to improve the family pot.

It's not all down to you.

Mainly just being able to get enough work done and not being able to when she’s really fussy/crying etc
He has a lot of tight deadlines

No he’s British, for a lot of reasons Japan isn’t great for bringing up a non-Japanese child so wouldn’t be an option.

He could make more but his money goes up and down so we rely on my income for stability.
He makes between 500-2000 a month so very varied.

All the more reason for DD to be put into childcare then. He needs to give 100% to whatever he is doing. He cheating both his child and his clients.

Not to mention on top of everything else your doing you are probably picking up his slack at night while he's meeting a deadline.

Would your work let you go back part time after a short maternity leave? It might work a lot better if your DH had few days childcare to do?

Do you definitely want a 2nd anyway? We have a 21 month age gap, and the first 6 months is incredibly hard. However, once the youngest gets to 18 months ish it gets a lot easier as they start properly entertaining each other. In some ways longer term a bigger gap is harder - you get some of your life back once DC1 is 3 ish and then have to give it up again for a baby DC2, and they aren't into the same things at the same time in the same way so are harder to entertain ...

I don't think it's as simple as who's wrong and who's right, and there's no point looking at it like that. Your DH is not happy. You don't want an abortion. You need to sit down together, write down what both of you want /need to be happy, and see which of those is possible and how you get there from where you are. Rank what you want in order of how much you can negotiate on it eg presumably an abortion is non negotiable for you so that's 10. Being a SAHP to 2 kids is non negotiable for him, so another 10. How important is your course to you? Have you looked at university EFL depts who have much better conditions and contracts? Could he earn enough freelance to put 2 kids in child care? You need to talk, talk, and talk some more.

He's punishing you for 'making' him come home from Japan. He's punishing you because there was no other option than London for a place to live.

He's basically saying, 'no you can't have that baby you're carrying.'

If you have an abortion, it will end your relationship with him. If you don't have an abortion, it will end your relationship with him.

Sorry.

He sounds lazy tbh. What are these conditions that mean he can't get a job and only potter about doing occasional freelance? Would you be better off without him? I can't see what he's contributing and he sou ds childish and would piss me off.

Lots of people have clearly seen "man" and piled in here determined to prove DH unreasonable.

He looks after a baby during the day,works evenings and weekends to earn money, has medical conditions, has made compromises for the good of the relationship, and previously contributed to joint savings and yet many posters have piled in to call him lazy, a cocklodger and suggest he contributes nothing. Would they have said the same if it was a female sahm?

Is he a SAHD or working from home?

Doing PGCE is utter hell. I wouldn’t recommend it with two small children.
Can you put it off for a couple of years until the children are a little older?
How are you planning to finance PGCE? As I understand it there isn’t a grant.

If he really can't get a job due to health issues he may be entitled to some form of disability benefits such as PiP. That might be worth looking into although I know it's hard to qualify.
Don't have an abortion to please him, find a way to afford childcare. Then he can work more from home since he is not doing the childcare and help pay for it.

Doing PGCE is utter hell. I wouldn’t recommend it with two small children.

I’m glad someone else has commented on this-I think it’s a huge undertaking. OP-are you prepared for the workload that will be required?

My pgce nearly killed me and I had a boyfriend who did all the cooking and washing for a year-I barely even talked to him. I can’t imagine doing it with a husband who isn’t happy about being at home with two babies to look after whilst trying to do paid work and getting no sleep!

I know someone with one child who has had to defer their pgce because of the workload.

What’s the point in the

I think it is very difficult for an outsider to advise in this situation. Maybe you could both sit down and write a list of positives and negatives of the options, and your concerns, and then compare notes and discuss. I think you need to talk to your husband more about how you feel about the situation, especially as you were planning on having a second child at some stage.

It does seem that he is the one being expected to make the changes while you just plod on with your goals.

You either need to use childcare or you need to rethink your career options.

If he can’t work in an office for medical reasons then looking after two children and trying to work from home doesn’t sound a realistic plan?

Working from home while providing childcare is going to get harder and harder in any case. The older a child gets the less they nap, the more mobile and demanding they get!

It's not realistic to think he will be able to provide childcare and earn money. The fact of one or two children is pretty irrelevant.

When you planned to do your pgce you would have used your savings for this as you wouldn't be able to work for a whole year? Is that correct?

I don't see any way to solve this without using savings. How much is your rent? Is it feasible to relocate to cheaper area and buy now?

If your DH did not want another baby he should of done something about it before you had sex! Seriously, how do single mums with disability's cope? He needs to grow a set and get on with it!

This sounds like a stressful situation for both of you.
Does he have family around? Are they hands on? Maybe you could look into the possibility of your parents having DD for a day a week and her going to nursery for one day. In some areas you get free nursery places from age 2.
I'd also make sure you are correct about not being able to take more than 6-8 weeks off. In a school you would not be working Christmas, Feb half term and Easter holidays... Could you buy a few weeks out of your savings and go back after Easter holidays, or are these weeks included in your maternity leave?

You can't work from home and look after children, something has to give. Perhaps look at childcare and then you can both work.
It's not fair to expect to make all the lifestyle decisions, it's a partnership.
I'm a sahm and if my dh made me have a child that I would be responsible for whilst he worked, I'd be livid.

Have you looked at teaching English as a foreign language specialising in English for Academic Purposes at one of the universities in London? I assume if you were senior in Japan you would already have a DELTA or similar. It pays ok and certainly much better than the private language schools. You can do it hourly (I used to get £50/hr maybe 10 years ago, obviously non contact hours are unpaid) and I have friends who are more senior (management) doing it now with an actual salary, real contract and pension etc.