Pregnant DH is SAHD and doesn’t want another.

[Jobea91]

Feel so so stuck.
I have a 10month old daughter and work full time in a school, next year I’m meant to be working at that school + doing a PGCE and then I’ll be earning much more comfortable amount, but for these 2 years before I’m qualified money is very tight.
DH looks after DD and also works from home on a lot of different freelance jobs, he finds it very difficult sometimes but for multiple health reasons can’t go and work in an office environment and doesn’t want to use childcare until DD is older. Original plan was have second baby in around 3-5 years time.

So on Monday realised I’d been having pregnancy symptoms so took a pregnancy test thinking I was being silly, BFP, same Tuesday, then three days BFN then today a BFP again. Still preg symptoms all week.

My husband feels very stressed about me being pregnant and the idea of having to look after two babies and work from home.
I would take a long maternity leave in a heartbeat but I’ll only be able to afford 6-8 weeks.

We’ve talked a lot and he says Ive chosen a lot of big life decisions that have negatively impacted him (moving home from living abroad because I missed UK, choosing this career option which means much less money for 2 years, living I. London so I’m nearer my parents, having DD) and it’s selfish for me to keep this pregnancy when he would be the one looking after them in the day having the most difficult time. I say I’d have a difficult time getting no sleep and I do all childcare evening, night weekend and school holidays (I have DD all night and cosleep - he gets to sleep in different room) but he says I can choose for myself to make that sacrifice but can’t choose for him to sacrifice.
He said if there’s a way I can get much longer maternity leave or somehow work from home myself he would be happier to have to kid but we aren’t sure what I could do that wouldn’t drastically cut into savings or fuck up/massively delay my career.
Money is really tight at the moment and every pound is allocated, my parents know I’m pregnant and are very supportive and buy what they can to help with DD while money is tight (nappies and clothes) but they both work full time and can’t help with child care.

So I’m really not sure what to do, I feel like I’d just quit my job and live with parents to be able to look after them both myself until they’re old enough for childcare voucher help but my husband wouldn’t want to live with my parents and wouldn’t be able to afford his own rent somewhere else.

The idea of terminating this baby when I could technically figure it out and keep it makes me feel so sick and sad and reading accounts of what you go through for a termination is terrifying. I think the baby would be due in November and I’m about 6 weeks but I would just can’t imagine ever getting over it if I terminated it.
If I had a miscarriage I would be able to cope a lot better because I didn’t choose to do it if you know what I mean, I know it’s still very early and that could happen.
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow.
What can I do? Am I being selfish for thinking my husband should look after them for a couple of years rather than me having to terminate? Writing that out maybe it is. Maybe I’m so sad because I know probably termination is right.
He’s also said he wouldn’t agree to anything that involves delaying career or borrowing money - and says if I need more money I just need to figure out how much and make it online. I feel like I’m going to get put in a situation where I have a termination and he framed it as being my choice because I didn’t figure out a way to make more money. Howe we he also said he might not be able to go through with it if it came to it but think he wants me to lead the decision so he doesn’t feel as bad or something.
Am I being a dick? Just tell me if I should suck it up and do it,

It must be very difficult for both of you. You, working full time and dealing with all child care when you’re home. Him, looking after your DD on weekdays and spending evenings and weekends working. You’re going through an intensive period at work, he’s unhappy with the status quo.

Are there any changes that could be made to make things easier for you both? You said you moved back for family support. Are you getting that support?

You're exclusively breastfeeding a ten month old????? A ten month old needs food.

He thought looking after a baby would be easy and he would get to WFH??

You earned a lot in Japan so he chose not to work as much.

He sleeps in a separate room as he needs his sleep and can’t have it interupted.

He is pressuring you to have an abortion.

He dlesnt sound great.

What were you doing in Japan?

You mention having savings, I don't understand why these can't be used, you're not hard up if you have savings, perhaps consider living somewhere cheaper.

@ukgift2016 how very lucky for you to have never had an unplanned pregnancy. You DO KNOW that the only 100 percent effective form of birth control is abstinence right???!!!

@Jobea91 take no notice of negative comments, you’ve enough on your plate. Sadly some people think they are above others just because a particular incident hasn’t happened to them (yet!) and like to take the opportunity to bash others for their supposed irresponsibility because it makes them feel bigger or better....it’s tosh!!

On a more practical note I understand your predicament and have been faced with this situation myself. As someone else above has said yes you can take your DH’s feelings on the matter into account but ultimately it has to be your choice. It is you who has to either bear the pregnancy or the termination procedure, yes he has to deal with consequences but you more so because it is your body. It’s not like you will be popping out this child and going to him there you go you look after it and buggering off is it!! So this effects you both, but it’s your body and your hormones so ultimately it has to be up to you. Yes he can be sad and so can you but that doesn’t mean he gets to bully and guilt bash you into the option he rather you take. If you make this choice for him and not for yourself you will resent him a huge amount and it will simmer and burn away and you may well never forgive him, this is something he should be thinking of also, he shouldn’t just be thinking of himself here.

This choice has to be yours and yes there all sorts of practicalities to take in consideration, emotional and financial etc but my advice to you and anyone ever in this position it to make the decision that you best think that you can live with.

Would he consider going back to work full time to allow you to be the SAHM parent for a while? Is that an option?

Being realistic, having two children under 2 is hard and the childcare cost realistically means one of you would have to be a SAHP to be able to manage. Your current set up is actually probably the best option for two kids. Although your DH isn't currently happy with it. I get it. When our youngest was born I worked part time evenings and weekends around DH working in the day. It was hard and a bit shit but we always knew it would only be for 3 years until youngest got 30 free hours funding. Now I'm back full time.

What is it DH struggles with about your current routine?

Tricky one OP. I can see your DH point of view. I can see yours. Now it’s done, so there is no point talking about who is more to blame, you just have to think about what is best for your family. That might be another sibling close in age. It might be termination til your are ready for another. Termination has to be your decision and it’s OK to take time over that decision. You are only six weeks. I would find someone objective to talk it through with. Bpas will do this whether or not you choose termination.

All I would say is two babies (esp at night) is a lot more insane than one so be realistic about that. If it’s what you want you’ll get through the lack of sleep but I am not sure where a PGCE would fit into it.

If you don't think you could cope with the guilt feelings of terminating then you have no option but to find a way to make this work.

It's not fair for him to alleviate his guilt by pressurising you to terminate but then saying it's all your decision. If you do decide that - it's mainly because of the pressure from him.

Omg no I don’t mean that 😱
I mean no formula so at night it’s just me, she gets food in the day, sorry for confusion haha!

So the issue is that he regrets being a SAHD and finds it really hard. So two children feel too much for him.
One thing that stands out is the fact he is basically blaming you for all his hardship. You wanted to move, you took a less paid job etc etc. Which isn’t acceptable.
He has a part to play there. He is responsible to bring another child in the world. Not just you. He can’t work outside home but then he can’t also be difficult about what freelance work he is doing. He can’t be expecting your dcs not be in childcare and pushing that agenda onto you AND at the same time not wanting to be the one to be a SAHP AND expecting you to earn money, enough that things aren’t tight, he can chose his work etc....

So if he doesn’t want to be a SAHD then he needs to agree to have the dcs in childcare. if both dcs were in childcare, how much more money could he earn as he wouldnt have to work his dc?

If you were the one to be a SAHP, because having a parent at home is oh so important, wouod he be able to make up for the short fall?

How much support couod you get from your mum, couod he work part time from home (so let’s say 2 or 3 days a week) whilst the dcs are part time in nursery or maybe with your mum. Etc...

He can’t tell you what to do about terminating the pregnancy. He can’t position himself as the martyr in the relationhsip. He had a choice to not have his firschild at that time. He had a choice to use condoms to avoid another pregnancy. He has the choice to send his dc to nursery, at least some of the time, so he can work more, money isn’t as tight and he gets a break. He has the choice to suport you with childcare for the next two years so there is less pressure in both of you re finances.
Don’t let him make out you are controlling and having it all whilst he is giving up everything.

What role are you doing currently that only gives you 6-8 weeks maternity leave?

Yeah lots of support from my parents they babysit sometimes at weekends so I can get things done it’s deffo worth coming back for me but he misses Japan a lot.

Btw i get that whatever his health problems are, not being able to work out of home is making things hard. I’m sure this will be very restrictive for him and he will, as a result, feel he has less choice. And in particular less choices than you are.
The fact he has less choice has nothing to do with you though but everything to do with his illness. He can’t make you responsible for it. Or somehow expect you to ensure he has as much choice as he wouod like thanks to you organising your life around him.

It’s crap to be the one who stays at home and do something you don’t enjoy because, basically, you have no other option. Or because it feels like you have no other options.

He needs to sort out his priorities. Is it that his dcs have a SAHP? Is it for him to be able to work more or chose his work? Is it for him NOT to be the SAHP bee its too hard? He just cant have it all. Which is different from what he is making out.

Teaching English as a foreign language, I was qualified and in a senior ish position but back to uk have had to start from scratch with teaching as English language jobs have terrible contracts here.

I would use them but he wants to keep them towards a mortgage and he’s contributed more to them than I have over the years so difficult for me to argue.

So the issue here is also that he misses Japan.
Is it Japan he is missing or the way of life you had there, wo a chill?

Japan has never struck me as being child friendly. Maybe I’m wrong but I suspect he would have a life much harder there as a SAHP than in the U.K.

I more and more get the feeling that he wants is a life wo the responsibility of children.

You should be able to night wean your child? Giving you both more sleep and making things more settled.

I would not have a termination I didn't want, i think it would destroy the marriage anyway

‘Unqualified class teacher’ I get 90% of salary for 6 weeks then 145 a week for another few months but that would be £1000 short for living costs a month at that point.

Thank you so much.
I feel like your comment has in the biggest way reminded me I have to make the decision I am happy with for the rest of my life rather than making him happier for 2-3 years.
I feel a bit sick to think about him but maybe I would rather keep it and risk our marriage 😳

Some awful responses here regarding the DH being unwilling to work. The OP says very clearly due to multiple health issues he can't go out and get a regular office job.

Tough situation. Sounds like your finances are somewhat precarious. Can you move to a cheaper area like edge of London?

You say DH unwilling to use childcare until current child is older. Why? How would the costs figure out?

I’d you do something you deeply regret, such as having an abortion you dint want, this will very certainly kill your marriage.

You need to make the choice that you can live with. Not one based on what works for your DH.

If you do keep the child, I would advise for some couple counselling to work on other issues. Mainly him getting ressentful and taking the martyr position as well as not accepting responsibility in the situation.

I think the posts calling him a cocklodger are unfair. He looks after their child during the day and works evenings and weekends.

It does sound like you've been making all the decisions lately OP.

If you really don't want to terminate the pregnancy, and I can understand that, then I think realistically you're going to have to both sit down and discuss the next two years. It sounds as though it's going to be hell for both of you but as long as you're happy with the outcome after that, it should be do-able? Or you separate, frankly.

I feel a bit sick to think about him but maybe I would rather keep it and risk our marriage 😳

Well, there you go, you've got your answer!

I can kind of understand where his anxiety is coming from though - you're the one who gets to make the decision and keep the pregnancy or not - but he's the one who'll have to do all the childcare. It takes two to make a baby though and if neither of you wanted to have another so soon why weren't you on rock solid contraception? He has to take some responsibility for that too. But my DH would've been absolutely devastated if I'd got pregnant accidentally. It's such a huge, life-changing event that it's easier to deal with if you were consciously trying and both wanted it. That you actively did not want to get pregnant for another 3-5 years makes this a big headfuck.

To a certain extent you do seem to have made big life decisions to suit you more than both of you......leaving japan, moving near london etc these are all very expensive decisions as well.....however you have made them now and had plans for the future....so to change all of that I think you need to be clear on the implications either way.... yes he went along with all of those but you're now talking about changing the parameters again

I'm a bit of planner and I would do a sort of pros/cons/options to weigh up each area of 'life'
eg work
what money each person is bringing in now .....what bringing in 1 yr/2yr/3yr/5yr
home -
costs now, 1yr/2yr etc
childcare - now with 1 /future with 2 etc..

then what the options are- could he earn more money if not SAHD? could he/you do partime etc etc so a mix of childcare...
there is nothing wrong with using childcare...

you could move somewhere cheaper - one of the benefits of teaching is you can work anywhere..... however its hard at the beginning so could you do something else for a bit then return to your training?

do you really want to live at home with your parents as a single parent (why should your DH have to live with your parents - I wouldn't live with my IL or parents ever) with 2 small DC- as its the cheapest option- would they even want you too...

It is up to you whether you have an abortion or not - but having had dc and an abortion an early one was not some horrific process and definietly not to be compared to a miscarriage - you really dont want one of those......

There must be lots of foreign people in London needing lessons in English. Can you have a longer maternity leave and tutor?

Is he Japanese? Would it be a possibility to go back to Japan, maybe?