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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Married and want an abortion

32 replies

Notreadymightneverbe · 15/03/2019 10:01

Hi guys I NCd for this in case my situation is recognisable.

I'm almost 33, been married for 3 years and I'm pregnant by accident. I'm on the pill amd have taken it religiously, so i have no idea how.

I'm devastated. I never wanted to be pregnant, i hadn't ruled out a family 100% but i have no interest in bearing children. I suppose i haven't ruled it out in the same way you can never say you won't one day fall in love with someone of the same sex. Or can never say 'oh my husband would never cheat'. Or can never imagine yourself losing your job and becoming homeless. Seems impossible but it can happen i guess.

Anyway i think my husband will come to terms with an abortion (he knows i don't want children) but i just feel like everyone, society, will think me a monster.

We have a very high household income, a house in london and a BTL flat. We could afford a nanny.

There's ostensibly no reason not to have a baby apart from i feel physical revulsion at the thought of something inside me.

I feel like a monster for feeling this way. Would love to hear from anyone who has terminated a pregnancy for convenience and managed to forgive themselves

OP posts:
lasttimeround · 15/03/2019 10:05

If you want to have a termination have one. Not having children is not just about whether or not you can provide for them materially. I had a termination in my 20s it wasn't fun but it also wasn't a trauma.

lasttimeround · 15/03/2019 10:07

Socially obviously it's tricky. I've told v few people.

youknowmedontyou · 15/03/2019 10:07

I'd probably ask for this to be moved to pregnancy choices, it's an extremely emotive issue for many.

BorsetshireBlew · 15/03/2019 10:09

What does it have to do with anyone else? Why would you even need to tell anyone?
If you don't want to be pregnant than don't be. You have every right to make that decision for yourself!

Original poster
Notreadymightneverbe · 15/03/2019 10:09

I appreciate it doesn't need to be broadcast from the rooftops. But i would just like the support of my mum and close girlfriends and having to go through a termination without the support of any of the women in my life feels so painful.

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 15/03/2019 10:10

Don't tell anyone who will judge. It's your business and no one else's Flowers

Honeybee79 · 15/03/2019 10:11

If you want to have an abortion then have one. It is your body, your choice. You don't need to worry about what other people think as you don't need to tell them.

But what I would say is take a bit of time to talk to your husband, let your feelings settle and perhaps speak to one of the Marie Stopes counsellors, to ensure you are making the right decision for you.

JudgeRindersMinder · 15/03/2019 10:11

As long as you’re at peace with it-which it sounds like you are, then it is no one else’s business. Your reasons are absolutely valid

youknowmedontyou · 15/03/2019 10:12

@Notreadymightneverbe get this moved from relationships to pregnancy choices! You're choice but telling a "few" girlfriends I don't understand, you are making a decision your sure of, so why do you need so much support? Your OH, your mum plus a few others......

Honeybee79 · 15/03/2019 10:12

You mention friends - if they are close friends who care about you then they won't judge. I would always support a friend's decision in this.

StealthPolarBear · 15/03/2019 10:13

You're not a monster and this is not for convenience. Terminating because you don't want to be a parent is an excellent reason.

Original poster
Notreadymightneverbe · 15/03/2019 10:13

I know i wouldn't judge, I've seen this happen to a friend in a LTR and i was (hopefully) a good pal about it. I just feel people will judge me as a married woman.

I oscillate between thinking its nothing to be ashamed of i should tell my (close) friends I'd want them to tell me in their shoes... And worrying I'll alienate everyone

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 15/03/2019 10:15

You may not change your mind, but just to give my experience; I was actually trying to get pregnant but when I find out I was,beach horrified.

There is a huge difference between the theoretical thought of a possible baby, and an actual baby - for certain - physically in place and arriving in a few months.

I completely freaked out and considered abortion. I was ambivalent about miscarriage for the first while, thinking it would be a 'solution'. I did not end the pregnancy as I couldn't live with doing that (everyone is different on that front) and now life is unimaginable without my child (though of course there's plenty of stress at times).

I'm not saying 'dont', just that it can be an absolute shock to the system, you can feel powerless and like your freedom is being taken away, it can feel very very negative but it doesn't mean that it couldn't work out and you'd be glad that you had a child.

At least you don't have money worries and could pay for help (which is most definitely a huge bonus esp if you don't have a massive posse of baby adoring, supportive relatives with free time to help).

Moralitym1n1 · 15/03/2019 10:15

*found out I was, I was really horrified

Moralitym1n1 · 15/03/2019 10:19

Just read you latest post - just to say that true friends and good relatives wont judge.

Original poster
Notreadymightneverbe · 15/03/2019 10:20

@morality thank you for speaking so honestly. I feel such Catholic guilt about it all. I've hoped for the worst and then sickened myself for feeling that way

OP posts:
kikibo · 15/03/2019 10:21

I felt exactly like this when I was 21. With the added difficulty that I had only just got together with my BF (now hubby), had no money, had broken with my parents so had no support.

Still, the fact remained I did not want to be pregnant. I couldn't have coped if it were not for that fact. So I had a termination and the relief was amazing. Until today, I haven't told anyone apart from one friend, my ob & midwife. It wasn't a trauma for me either. Though you do need to process it in a way.

If you do not want babies then don't do it. Because in my mind the resentment will be too great if you do make the sacrifice unwillingly. And I say that with one 1yo and a 3mo in the room right now.

OutwithMyRemit · 15/03/2019 10:21

No need to tell anyone you don't want to or to justify it to anyone

Your body, your choice. Hope the procedure goes smoothly for you Flowers

Original poster
Notreadymightneverbe · 15/03/2019 10:28

@kikibo thank you. I'm so glad it's worked out for you.

OP posts:
MNHQ
JoMumsnet · 15/03/2019 10:56

Hi Notreadymightneverbe,

Hope you don't mind but we're going to move your thread over to our Pregnancy Choices topic.

We're glad to see you're getting some good advice and support here but, as other posters have mentioned, this is a highly emotive subject so we always move such threads into Pregnancy Choices if they're reported to us.

Original poster
Notreadymightneverbe · 15/03/2019 11:00

Oh wow are you serious?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Notreadymightneverbe · 15/03/2019 11:02

MNHQ can you please move this to aibu or somewhere more appropriate?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 15/03/2019 11:03

What's the problem with it being in pregnancy choices?

Original poster
Notreadymightneverbe · 15/03/2019 11:03

I don't really have a pregnancy choice to make...

OP posts:
ILikeyourHairyHands · 15/03/2019 11:08

You'll get much more considered responses in pregnancy choices. AIBU would bring the righteous anti-choice gang out.

Anyway, I had an abortion whilst married and after having two children and felt nothing but relief. It's a valid choice whatever your relationship and financial status. (Also lapsed Catholic).