Abortion or not...

[Busymummy50]

I'm 39, already have a 10 and 6 year old.

I have had a fallopian tube removed and have polycystic ovaries so I don't have a regular cycle. Also it took so so long to conceive my 2 kids that I thought there was no way I would get pregnant so stopped using the pill and went onto just condoms, this was a few years back.

To my shock a few days ago I did a pregnancy test and it was positive. So I repeated again in the morning and again positive. It will make me 6 weeks pregnant from the first day of my last period.

We are in the process of looking for a new house to move for better secondary schools for the eldest child. October we have to apply to a place so we have left it quite tight!!!

Both kids argue as siblings do and I find it a struggle at times with just 2 kids. I see my friends have babies and I don't miss it or feel broody. My eldest is short tempered and argumentative and very selfish. I am short tempered too and get frustrated daily with him. He suffers from anxiety as he chews his fingers while the youngest keeps saying she has tummy aches and not want to go school. She's had a blood test and scan to rule out any thing wrong and all came back fine so likely to be anxiety too.

I am now comfortable with 2 kids. Financially too it will make it less comfortable for the 4 of us and things will have to change in terms of lifestyle.

But the idea of a termination horrifies me. The fact my kids could have another sibling and I got rid of it horrifies me too and I've been crying ever since I've found out. But I also don't want to go through the whole birthing process again at my age. I don't feel I have the energy as I did 10 years ago and nor does my partner.

My partner feels we shouldn't keep it but he's supportive if I want to keep it. He's always been against abortions but now that we face this decision, he's being realistic about it even though he'd like to keep it. I'm a mother who is already struggling with 2 as the eldest is difficult to deal with. So another one with the sleepless nights, tantrums etc will make life so much harder. I know it doesn't last forever but I don't feel I have the energy to do it.

I don't know what to do!!!!

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and decided on a termination?

I'm really scared and I feel so bad even thinking of the idea of a termination... it's a life and it feels wrong

I guess I've Labour and birth twice. I've recovered. I didn't suffer too badly. Both kids were healthy and planned. I didn't suffer from depression after or anything else. Been through all the worries with vaccinations, sleepless nights, teething, first day at school, potty training.... do I want to do that all again? Kids are a big big responsibility and some mothers are so calm and great at it. I'm not great at it. I get by. On a bad day when I feel exhausted, I can get easily irritated and moody with them. Is it fair to bring another kid here when I'm not that good? I'm 10 years older than when I had my first. I was younger full of energy and when I had my second one, I noticed the difference. Nowadays my kids beg me to play with them in the playground and I'm too exhausted and I feel bad. I wouldn't have the energy for the next one although my kids could help.

But what if you terminate the pregnancy & regret it?
It’s not like you’re 29 with a good 10 years ahead of you. This could be ( & probably is ) your last chance.
I’d continue with the pregnancy, have all the tests ( even invasive testing ) to make sure 100% that the baby was as healthy as it could be & leave the rest to fate.
What will be will be, but I wouldn’t want to live with the guilt of abortion, & I’m saying this because you seem so unsure.

I know it sounds flippant, but try flipping a coin. In the moment you see what side the coin is on, that initial gut feeling is a good indication of how you feel deep down inside.

It's a rotten position to be in, I was in a similar position last year. It ended in a miscarriage, which strangely made me realize I did really want another child and here I am 20 weeks with my third. But a friend who was in this position too, chose a termination and never regretted it.

She's a good couple decades down the line from that now and post menopausal so no chance to change her mind and she's very happy with the choice she made.

I agree with those suggesting you seek counseling, you're clearly conflicted and you want to be as sure as possible before you make a decision. You're going to be ok, even if you have some regrets with whatever choice you make, you'll be able to work through them and get through the feelings.

Thank surferjet, I appreciate your opinion. I know it will be my last chance but I wasn't going to have another one. It's tough as my kids are getting older now and eldest is due to go secondary school next year. When I see my friends and sister in law with their babies, yes they are cute and I miss that stage especially the cute toddler years but I don't miss the sleepless nights and all the worry, teething problems etc. I feel I have already enough worry on my plate with my current 2. Both are anxious kids with one chewing skin in his fingers and the other one complaining of tummy aches for over a year even though tests have come back with no issues. I feel so busy everyday with my 2 kids already and I'm exhausted. It may well work out fine but I'm just really scared. Yes I understand i may abort and regret but I don't know and this is why I am so scared.

I just know that because I feel sad this has Happened and hoping for a natural miscarriage that these are signs I don't want to keep it because I'm scared of the risk of how it will change our lives as I'm already finding it exhausting and difficult. It may well change for the better, I don't know.

I am due for a counselling session on the phone with Marie stopes on friday. I am praying that this will help

Best of luck op.

Thank you

I’ve never personally met anyone who regrets having a child but I have met a few who have regretted abortions. That’s not to say I am pro-life in any way because I’m absolutely not but it’s just the views of people I have met. Most women who have an abortion absolutely don’t live in regret so don’t let that cloud your judgement, it’s just that I don’t meet any parent who openly says they ‘regret’ having their DC. Maybe they privately do though.

I was sort of in your position six years ago. I deeply considered terminating as I already had a 20 month old and 5 month old... we wanted two close in age and had planned for that but the third was completely unplanned and a pill failure. I was devastated when I found out and booked myself in for an abortion. I had also googled ‘natural abortions’ to see if there was a way I could sort of do it at home so no one else had to know. On the day of the abortion I backed out. I was very emotional and just couldn’t go through with it. She is five now and incredibly beautiful, bright and articulate so of course I am glad I didn’t go through with it. However life has by no means been a walk in the park. It’s fucking hard raising children, nobody would have a right to judge you for terminating and honestly, no one even has to know. It’s entirely your decision to make and either way, you will make it out of the other side.

Mousefunky, thank you. I am comfortable with my 2 kids now. The fact that the age gap would be nearly 7 years... yours were very close in age and it's lovely for them growing up together but I fear the older 2 will have their own life while I continue looking after the youngest. It's very different with big age gaps. My 2 now have near 5 years gap and already I find it a struggle sometimes to get them to get on. Ok when in a park or indoor play but there's so much they cannot or will not do together. I find it hard to give them with equal amount of attention, they both love my attention and always fighting.

Both my kids suffer from anxiety. We are looking for a house to move within this year as my son will need to apply for secondary school in October. If i keep this baby, it will be die in December. That means the kids would love house into a new area, start a new school AND have a new sibling AND I will be exhausted with the baby to ststy with and not have much time for them. We would love over an hour away from my parents who helped loads the last 2 times but my mum is older now and not as able anymore. We would have no friends or family closeby as they all live in our current area. It's too much. I keep thinking we may just get through it and get by but it's too much and seems so unfair for the 2 kids who are already anxious to deal with all that change and I would be Uma me to give them as much attention as I could now

Op I'm sure the councillor will clear your head and help you come to the right decision for you.

I was swinging against the decision I ended up making sometimes I do wonder did I do the right thing but I know that it was the right decision in my heart.

I think you’ve your mind made up Busy. The very best of luck to you Only you know what’s best for you and your family. x

Flipped a coin?!

Someone mentioned flipping a coin and the moment you see which side it's on, you'll have a gut feeling... I said heads was keep it, flipped the coin and got heads, I felt disappointed. Of course I am not making a decision based on flipping a coin. I am constantly thinking it through and weighing it up both ways. I have an appointment with a counsellor on Friday which I hope will help me.

If you feel horrified that is your answer

So I had a telephone consultation yesterday with Marie stopes just in case I decided to not keep it. Overnight I kind of made up my mind not to keep it. I went over everything and my gut feeling keeps saying no. Only positive I think is my kids will be happy to hear that I'm pregnant but how long for and how will it affect us and how will I cope. By the time the 3rd one is 5, the others will be nearly 12 and 17. The youngest will seem to be with me mostly and that sounds quite lonely. Do i still want to be changing nappies and waking in the night in my 40s, when I'm already exhausted now without that?

Then I got the call from them to book me in for the first assessment. My heart skipped a beat and I went numb. I wish it wasn't them calling me and I had more time. I still have a counselling session with them tomorrow first though so all might change.

So I am still feeling like I wish this will just disappear and I miscarry naturally. Surely this means I don't want it. But when they called, I wished they didn't call yet. Is this me changing my mind or just me being scared of the procedure?

Op you didn't want the phone call as you don't want the abortion. No women ever ever wants an abortion. You didnt even want to be pregnant In the first instance.
You're hoping to mc narurally as that is the decision made for you. I could be wildly wrong but I think a majority of women in your situation would rather nature make the decision for her.
However. This is said with sensitivity and care, but
I do have to say this and agree with pp. I find it pretty disturbing that you are making this decision with the flip of coin.

It might help to think of it in a different way. I was in a different situation, but still had to make a crap choice from very few crap options.

What helped me was to think that there was no best option - no best or right choice. There was a least worst choice, and that still helps me see the choice in its context for everyone even now many years later.

Good luck whatever you do.

No one wants to have an abortion. And no one will be overjoyed when they have to make the phone call to book themself in for the procedure. Can you write a list of pros and cons? Sometimes seeing it all in black and white can help

@Awwlookatmybabyspider I'm glad someone else feels the same as me. I'm not saying this to be hurtful to anyone. I have had a termination myself, I am not anti abortion in the slightest. But I knew instantly it was 100% the right thing to do due to my circumstances. Also it could come across as quite upsetting for those who want to conceive but can't, or have suffered a loss. Sorry if this offends anyone but it's been playing on my mind.

I find it pretty disturbing that you are making this decision with the flip of coin

The op isn't doing that. From what I gathered, she was flipping the coin to gauge her own reaction to each scenario if the decision was taken out of her hands.

Thank you formerbabe, that's right. There is no way I would base my decision on flipping a coin!! The moment you see which side of the coin it is, you do have an instant thought of disappointment or not. I do not want to be pregnant and this was an accident I thought could never had happened. I have one fallopian tube and both previous pregnancies took absolutely what felt like years to conceive with one of them I was so close to having IVF. I had all the tests ready and paid for the consultation, 4 days before the appointment I was pregnant. So it's shocking I fell pregnant using condoms and have been for years with no problems.

I have done pros and cons with my partner.

Pros: sibling for my kids (they would like that I think)

There will be 3 of them and the family will be bigger which is nice.

Cons: we would need a bigger house
On the lookout for a new house and would be hard for my 2 kids to cope with moving house, new baby and new area
Partner works 7 days a week and my mum cares for my disabled dad which has worsened since 10 years ago when she used to look after my other 2.
Partners job is getti g worse and he may not even have a job in a year or 2
We both feel exhausted and older now. Even when my youngest cones into our bed from time to time, it's tiring let alone lots of sleepless nights
The birth both times was long and exhausting and I'm not sure I want to do it again

I'm comfortable with 2 older kids now

But I feel absolutely rotten to have to make the decision to have an abortion. Yet I'm not prepared to take on another baby and do it all over again.

My eldest is such an issue, we clash all the time and at home it's often shouty and not a nice atmosphere. I don't want another kid to suffer. Yes he may get better rad he gets older but I think he has mild aspergers and he's coming to his teens soon

We both feel exhausted and older now. Even when my youngest cones into our bed from time to time, it's tiring let alone lots of sleepless nights
I'm comfortable with 2 older kids now

Sometimes it can be hard to imagine having an abortion because you know so well what that positive line one day grows up to be.

But other times it can be easier because you know what that positive line will one day require of you.

You know what being a parent is like. You know about the sleepless nights and the exhaustion and the frustration and the sadness and the impact on your marriage and your children and your work. All children, no matter how 'good' they are as babies or toddlers, require hard work and dedication and they take a toll on your life.

And so sometimes it is easier to decide not to have a baby because you can think, I know how much love and hard work a child needs and deserves to have and at the moment we couldn't give them what they deserve.

Caitlin Moran once wrote well about this, I can't find the article at the moment. But choosing to terminate a pregnancy can be as much of an act of love, a maternal act, as choosing to continue with a pregnancy.

I felt like my termination was an act of love towards both children, the one I already had, and the one I'd never have.
I think it's always going to be hard, but perhaps harder than it should be because you know you'll be judged.
I told two people, my best friend and the baby's Dad, one supported me, one disowned me.
I speak to the friend occasionally, I talk to the Dad almost daily, and its been 12yrs.

brillohair that's a good way of putting it. It can be an act of love.