Abortion or not...

[Busymummy50]

I'm 39, already have a 10 and 6 year old.

I have had a fallopian tube removed and have polycystic ovaries so I don't have a regular cycle. Also it took so so long to conceive my 2 kids that I thought there was no way I would get pregnant so stopped using the pill and went onto just condoms, this was a few years back.

To my shock a few days ago I did a pregnancy test and it was positive. So I repeated again in the morning and again positive. It will make me 6 weeks pregnant from the first day of my last period.

We are in the process of looking for a new house to move for better secondary schools for the eldest child. October we have to apply to a place so we have left it quite tight!!!

Both kids argue as siblings do and I find it a struggle at times with just 2 kids. I see my friends have babies and I don't miss it or feel broody. My eldest is short tempered and argumentative and very selfish. I am short tempered too and get frustrated daily with him. He suffers from anxiety as he chews his fingers while the youngest keeps saying she has tummy aches and not want to go school. She's had a blood test and scan to rule out any thing wrong and all came back fine so likely to be anxiety too.

I am now comfortable with 2 kids. Financially too it will make it less comfortable for the 4 of us and things will have to change in terms of lifestyle.

But the idea of a termination horrifies me. The fact my kids could have another sibling and I got rid of it horrifies me too and I've been crying ever since I've found out. But I also don't want to go through the whole birthing process again at my age. I don't feel I have the energy as I did 10 years ago and nor does my partner.

My partner feels we shouldn't keep it but he's supportive if I want to keep it. He's always been against abortions but now that we face this decision, he's being realistic about it even though he'd like to keep it. I'm a mother who is already struggling with 2 as the eldest is difficult to deal with. So another one with the sleepless nights, tantrums etc will make life so much harder. I know it doesn't last forever but I don't feel I have the energy to do it.

I don't know what to do!!!!

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and decided on a termination?

I'm really scared and I feel so bad even thinking of the idea of a termination... it's a life and it feels wrong

So I have had a consultantation with Marie stopes on the phone. Decided on surgical abortion after reading the stories of how painful medical abortion is. I still haven't decided 100 percent and keep switching from abortion to not abortion but they said I can change my mind any time.

I have gone from being shocked, to upset, to guilty, to sad and unable to eat and just want to keep sleeping and not think of it. I feel guilty I am unable to make an effort for my 2 children now who doesn't know what's going on. I have a counselling session on the phone with Marie stopes tomorrow. Hopefully that will help.

Me and partner both been drinking almost every night before I found out I was pregnant so I am very worried if I decide to keep this baby, that I might have damaged the baby. Has anyone been drinking before they found out?

I'm still so scared either way. With my son's behaviour how do I cope with another baby. He's such a character. So spoilt like and really bullies my daughter. Like this morning it was her tv day so I let her watch on my phone instead as she asked. He came down shouting and whining that she's not allowed on the phone even though I said when it's his tv day tomorrow he can use my phone too. He's so jealous of her I think and constantly puts her down, calling her an idiot, telling she can't write properly or that she's a baby..... yet when he feels like it he wants to play with her and expects her to want to play with him! Won't understand why she doesnt want to! Partner just took his ps4 away. But he still continued whining all the way to school. This is regular.

Sorry to hear you’re going through this.
Just to let you know that I had a medical abortion at 6 weeks and it just felt like bad period pains for about 12 hours and then I felt fine. Apparently a lot of the horror stories online about how horrific it is are written by anti abortion activists trying to scare women to not do it.
It’s obviously not a pleasant experience but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.
My friend had a surgical one and had conscious sedation for it. She remembers nothing of the procedure and it took less than 10 mins. She bled for 5 weeks after with heavy bleeding for one week with cramps (no worse than a heavy period) and then really light for the rest of it

Some of the stories are from mumsnet. I've looked up medical vs surgical on mumsnet and seems lots say medical was really bad and surgical was much better. I'm really bad with tolerating pain

It might be best to do what you’re doing then and opt for the surgical one with sedation. It will be over quickly and you won’t know anything about it. I was able to do the medical one from my home (they gave me the tablets to take away with me) so I preferred being in the comfort of my own surroundings, but it’s definitely a bit more of a long drawn out process. Plus you’re obviously totally aware of everything going on. Good luck with whatever you decide x

Only you and your partner can make this decision. But if you are that prolife how could you even consider it. I guess it’s easy to bash other people with the prolife stick but different when it’s your life!

I don't think anyone can sway you either way as its such a personal decision, but I just wanted to mention that I had a medical termination and it was absolutely fine. I've had vastly more traumatic dental appointments.

My friend recently had a surgical termination and she said that was fine too.

And drinking before the placenta is fully functioning around 12 weeks shouldn’t be an issue

Busy, what you decide to do is entirely up to you but it seems like you are worried about how your son would react to a new baby. You might find he gets on great with a little one or that having a third child will mean he gets away with less. It’s hard to say unless you are doing it. Good luck either way. It’s a hard choice.

I know both kids would love another sibling and that is one reason which makes it hard for me. They don't know obviously but I know they'll be very happy. With my son, the issue is I struggle with his behaviour and if he continues when I have a baby in scared of becoming more easily bad tempered with him when I'm tired with the baby.

Everytime I get a cramp or a pain in my lower abdomen, it would go through my mind if only it was a miscarriage. I think this tells me I don't want to keep it but I don't want to make the decision to end it's life. I feel so guilty that it's in my hands to make that decision. Maybe once it's done I would feel relieve? Is this what people go through? Has anyone kept on having second thoughts and being upset and contemplated keeping baby but felt relieve once it's over with? It's waiting around that's doing my head in because e17 cannot function properly. If i was to terminate, I kind of want it to happen asap

Being a mother of 2 already, I know how wonderful it is having them in my life even though they drive me nuts sometimes. But I am grateful I have them.

I think of this baby as some will say just cells at the moment but my 2 kids started off as just cells too and I find it so hard... I have them a chance and why can't I feel the same about this one :(

I was in turmoil up until I had it done as I kept thinking I was making the wrong decision. As soon as it was done I felt relief and I don’t regret it at all (even though it was a hard thing to go through). I’m now incredibly careful with contraception though and we often use condoms as well as the pill during my most fertile week as I don’t want to ever go through it again

I recently went through a similar decision after an unplanned/ unexpected pregnancy with number 3.

I've attached a photo of some statements (from a women’s hospital abortion information pack admittedly) I found when searching randomly on the internet to help me come to terms with what was happening and what my options were. I know of course that you know one can make the choice for you; but I found it very empowering to reread the statements over and over to myself

Sorry the picture doesn’t seem to have captured the words clearly so I’ve attached the link below (sorry I’m on my phone so can’t do a nice tidy hyperlink) - it’s titled “A woman centred decision making guide”

thewomens.r.worldssl.net/images/uploads/fact-sheets/unplanned-pregnancy-woman-centered-info-Mar2018.pdf

Is there anyone you can get an appointment with or talk to? I’m sure at family planning/abortion clinics they have people you can talk to beforehand. Try to ignore the point about the kids having another sibling and focus on the changes to family life, to your body and financially. If you also feel like you can not terminate then maybe you will have to go through with it I’m so sorry you are in this position but taking to someone at a clinic will help you

Good God op a gaggle of randomers on the on the Internet cannot possibly make or even try to sway such an important decision for you.

One thing I will say is please do not make any rash and hasty choices.

Thank you all for your kind messages. I am thinking constantly and I cannot make up my mind. I just know that keep wishing I can miscarry naturally and this means I don't want it. I think the main reason I want to keep it is that I cannot bring myself to abort and might not be able to live with the what If's. I'm 39 now and already have 2 kids, maybe it would feel different if I was pregnant with my first and it was wrong timing and then I went on to have kids when my life was better? But my life is ok. I already have 2 and I know if I abort this one, I won't be having any more.

It's so weird because I always kept think of the idea of having one more before I'm 40 if I got the all clear on my smear test, 3 years ago I had issues. Yet now I've just had the all clear on the smear test and fell pregnant unexpectedly, I suddenly find myself in the position that I don't want this to be happening

I keep going to sleep hoping that when I wake up, I could find myself in the position to decide

Do people really make monumental life decisions based on replies from random strangers?

Op: talk this over with your partner. as only you two can decide.
( I wouldn’t terminate btw ! )

Whatever you decide, think about how to get help.

• If you go ahead with an abortion, make sure you are supported fully by your partner and that he understands how hard you are going to find it emotionally. Get some counselling and take steps to heal from having to make this decision and to see it in context as something for the good of your family.

• if you go ahead with the pregnancy what help could you have with day to day family life?

Blocker
I wish I had read then when making my choice, so much of it rings true for me.
Frosty, me too, I knew it was right but did the "what if it isn't? " thing.
It was right and I walked out of the clinic feeling relieved.

I have spoken to my partner. He is against abortions but suddenly finding himself in a situation where he feels it might be best. But he is very supportive and despite his job situation getting worse, he said we would get by if I chose to keep it. It's more to do with how i could control my temper and be good with 3 kids as sometimes I struggle with 2. My eldest is very difficult, his behaviour can sometimes be very hard to handle and have shouting matches! My partner and mum just feels it's not fair to bring another one into our lives if I'm struggling with 2

I think a lot of people who are against abortions just don't think they'd ever be in a position where they'd consider it, or are, "oh, it's fine for other people but I'd never do it"
Anyone can have an unplanned pg, no matter how careful.
Please do try to look after yourself during all of this, no matter what you choose, I didn't, and I wish I had.

I think that because I keep wishing this wasn't really happening and wishing would naturally miscarry, I know these are signs I shouldn't keep it. I think what's hold g me back is the fear/guilt of choosing an abortion and how I would love with that. And the fear of having an abortion. I have given birth twice, it was rough but I kind of know what to expect but an abortion I have never had

It’s having the choice that makes it harder busy. In my case it just wasn’t an option ( no judgment towards women who do either). I definitely came to terms with it quicker than my DH. What do you think the issue is with your son ? He seems to be a big factor in your decision. If he has some big struggles going on you are right to consider all options. If things are not good now they may well get worse in the teen years. If it’s just a case of sibling rivalry I wouldn’t pay too much attention to it. Only you know the answer

Giovanna75, it's not just sibling rivalry I think. There is a lot of that. He's very jealous of her although won't admit it. She's well behaved and rarely gets into trouble while he's the complete oppposite. I feel another sibling means even less attention for him. He may have mild aspergers as he struggles a little socially and has sensory processing issues. Not sure how he will be in years to come....

2 kids is comfortable now. Bit even if both kids were well behaved, would I be happier being pregnant?

The thing is I keep thinking I wish I had a natural miscarriage or that I'll wake up and this isn't actually happening. These are not the thoughts of a woman who is happy or wants to have another baby. So I kind of know but I'm so scared as I hate myself being the one to make the decision to end a life. It feels unfair. Feels like why's it ok that I gave my first 2 a chance but not this one? I hate myself but I know deep down I would be happy and would not be debating this if I wanted it