Pregnant but not from my husband

[AnnaLuna]

My husband and I have been together for 15 years and I've never been pregnant from him. We talked about using donor sperm and he agreed as long as he doesn't know about it and the donor is similar looking to him so he will think that baby is his. That was almost a year ago since he first agreed. I couldn't find a suitable donor who's got many of his features but I found one who looks a bit like me. So now I am 8 weeks pregnant and my husband thinks it's his baby. I feel very guilty about it though as he keeps saying that baby might have his features etc. Thinking of telling him that I've used donor sperm.
I am really torn between what I should do.
Can't really talk about it to anyone except on here. I would appreciate advice or if somebody had similar experience could they share it with me please. Thanks.

Breathe.

You did the right thing. He'll adjust and you two will have a baby and be a family.

He needed to know, because eventually your baby/child will need to know in age appropriate ways as s/he grows up.

As I already mentioned I didn't sleep with another man but I used another man's sperm. Isn't it cheating too?

BewareOfDragons, thank you for your kind words.

In the long run you've done the right thing telling him. He need to know whether he wanted to or not.

Congratulations!
You've done nothing wrong, no one has cheated or lied. Draw a line under this, no one else ever has to know its not his biologically and he knows and doesn't care. You're going to be parents, try and enjoy it.

doing it secretly is cheating, yes.

Your husband put you in a horrible, impossible situation.
You followed his wishes. You did not cheat, not by any definition.
Now that he knows, I hope you can give yourself a bit of time to let things settle, and be kind to yourself.

I’m afraid he put his own ego before your wellbeing, asking you to deal with it all alone and lie. No wonder you are now stressed. I hope that now it is out in the open you can begin to relax. You have done nothing wrong.

Conception is such a tiny, tiny part of parenthood.

The two of you wanted children together, now you are going to have a baby together and your husband is going to be the baby's father in all ways that matter to a child.

Reading your posts, it really seems to me that there are problem with how you are processing your path to motherhood and that you are transferring some of your own feelings on to your DH.
Please contact the clinic where you had your treatment and find out what counselling they offer, for you alone or both of you, jointly or separately.

Coping first with a struggle to conceive, then fertility treatment, then pregnancy can really throw people and I think it's thrown you. Congratulations but acknowledge that this is a huge paradigm shifter and that you will have wobbles ("Wtf have I done?" was what I thought rather a lot when I was finally pregnant after 5 years of trying at the ripe old age of 37).

It is a bit odd that you went through the whole process alone and without your DH knowing - I hope you two become stronger as a couple as you move towards parenthood.

taskmaster, not helpful IMO. And not accurate as according to the OP her DH had agreed to donor insemination as long as he did not know about it.

Oh, and stress does not cause miscarriages.

You did the right thing in telling him.

Be very kind to yourself

Give yourselves time to adjust to the news, it's your much wanted and loved child (I mean both of you), I wish you lots of luck x

Thank you guys for your support. I really appreciate it x

You have done nothing wrong! Calm down and try and relax, you need to look after yourself and your baby

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and for telling your husband the truth. It cannot have been easy to do the first part alone and then having to tell him. It was absolutely the right thing to tell him. He would have been able to find out in future very easily, by which point the lie would be much bigger and harder to explain.

The fact that he told you to do it without telling him, he gave you permission, it was not cheating, ignore anyone who says otherwise. There was no physical or emotional bond with the sperm!

Take your time to adjust and get used to the idea that you are both going to be parents.

Anna, stop.

You discussed this. He agreed to it. You didn't cheat because you weren't unfaithful and you didn't do anything he didn't agree to.

This is clearly a longer for baby. You will love it. Your DH will love it. No one else needs to know

You're certainly not a cheat. You did what your husband wanted. He was wrong not to support you through the process. He's probably going to want to pretend the baby is his. I can see him being very cross if other people knew the baby want his, but as a previous poster said the child will need to be told in an age appropriate way.

Exactly what sleepingstandingup said.

Congratulations

The baby will probably pick up a lot of his mannerisms, speech and interests as they grow up.

Thanks guys.
Can't turn back the time now.
He says it's ok and he'll love the baby as his own.
Just hope he won't blame me later in arguments.

Anna, I honestly think a counselling session together could be helpful. So that you can resolve any issues before the baby comes. You absolutely do not want any resentment or misunderstanding left to fester for either of you. Perhaps the clinic you attended could suggest a counsellor?

AuntyElle, thanks, I'll find out about counselling 👍

Now he is not talking to me..
What have I done! He didn't want to know..

Whys he not talking to you, is he really that upset over not being a biological father? Because if that's the case he should have never agreed to sperm donation, he needs to grow up their was an extremely slim chance he was the father as he couldn't get you pregnant in 15 years why would he think his sperm would suddenly work now! I think you both need to attend counselling sessions.

Tell him you're booking a counselling session. If he refuses to go, go without him.