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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

Pregnant but not from my husband

93 replies

AnnaLuna · 18/01/2018 17:29

My husband and I have been together for 15 years and I've never been pregnant from him. We talked about using donor sperm and he agreed as long as he doesn't know about it and the donor is similar looking to him so he will think that baby is his. That was almost a year ago since he first agreed. I couldn't find a suitable donor who's got many of his features but I found one who looks a bit like me. So now I am 8 weeks pregnant and my husband thinks it's his baby. I feel very guilty about it though as he keeps saying that baby might have his features etc. Thinking of telling him that I've used donor sperm.
I am really torn between what I should do.
Can't really talk about it to anyone except on here. I would appreciate advice or if somebody had similar experience could they share it with me please. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnaLuna · 22/01/2018 16:53

Sorry I meant I couldn't tell him the truth, can't seem to edit previous message

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ObiJuanKenobi · 22/01/2018 16:54

Is the donor sperm from a clinic or a one night stand?

Original poster
AnnaLuna · 22/01/2018 16:55

It's artificial insemination with private donor sperm

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BewareOfDragons · 22/01/2018 17:00

You need to tell him the truth. Immediately. Tell him you panicked because he seemed so delighted thinking it was truly his genetically. But that you have gone the donor route as you discussed.

If your marriage is going to withstand this, you can't let the lie drag on, IMO.

He did agree to letting you go the donor route, and this may well be your last chance to have a child together. And you are together. To stay that way, you need to be honest.

I wouldn't abort if you truly want to be a mother. Even if he decides he can't cope with the idea any more reverses his agreement). YOU have to decide what YOU want. If it is to be a mother, don't be bullied into terminating. You will regret it.

sourpatchkid · 22/01/2018 17:04

He specifically said he wouldn't want to know. You're not lying. You're playing along with his (admittedly a little odd) game. He needs to believe it's his. If he knew you've had treatment he knows in his heart it's not his.

To be fair, you don't honestly know its not his either? It's highly unlikely but as possible as he believes it to be?

MrsDilber · 22/01/2018 17:06

No you've done exactly what he's asked you to do, ultimately you're making him happy, and yourself happy, by doing what you've done. Congratulations!!!! Enjoy your baby 🙂

taskmaster · 22/01/2018 17:06

he knows.

meandmytinfoilhat · 22/01/2018 17:08

I think your husband knows and is saying this in the hope that he is the biological father.

I wouldn't bother telling him he isn't OP as he agreed on donor sperm.

He is the father of the baby, just not the biological one.

bonnymnemonic · 22/01/2018 17:12

I feel for you OP, I think your DH's plan was incredibly unfair to place the burden of truth on your shoulders alone. Only you are able to decide if this is something you can keep to yourself, possibly for the rest of your life, but you do need to consider if you are likely to want to tell your DC the truth one day. This could cause serious complications for your family relationships in the future.

CremeFresh · 22/01/2018 17:12

I would tell him, you can't have a marriage that is based on such a big lie.

Bojangles33 · 22/01/2018 17:15

Controversial but I wouldn't tell him. He seems happy and he previously agreed and said he didn't want to know. It doesn't matter who's DNA it is, this is your and DHs child. Just enjoy it and be excited for your new baby! Congratulations.

Original poster
AnnaLuna · 22/01/2018 17:35

It's a hard decision to make. Thinking of waiting a bit longer before I decide what to do. The pregnancy is still early and there is risk of miscarriage. If I tell him now and the pregnancy doesn't continue it would be for nothing.

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Original poster
AnnaLuna · 22/01/2018 17:39

I think he is guessing now that's it might not be his.

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Original poster
AnnaLuna · 22/01/2018 17:43

It's definitely not his as he was away during ovulation when the conception happened.

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taskmaster · 22/01/2018 17:58

Like I said, he knows.

Original poster
AnnaLuna · 22/01/2018 19:56

I've told him. He had no idea. But he is ok with it. Hope he is as it was a big surprise for him.
I just couldn't live a lie.
He will probably be upset later.

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Original poster
AnnaLuna · 22/01/2018 19:58

I now regret I've told him, but it was a huge weight on my conscience.

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ObiJuanKenobi · 22/01/2018 20:13

Do you think he would have rather not known? I would keep reassuring him that your having this baby together and your so excited to start this journey to become parents together.

taskmaster · 22/01/2018 20:25

Unless hes a complete idiot of course he knows. 15 years without pregnancy, he wasn't there around the time of conception, and you've already discussed donor sperm. There is no way he does not know.

Bigger question is what kind of marriage can you have to do such a thing furtively? Who behaves like that?

Sparkesdontshine · 22/01/2018 20:29

How has he reacted? Surely if you were having treatment he would have known?

Farmerswife36 · 22/01/2018 20:31

Huh ? But he agreed ? Why would you terminate ? When all said and done it's going to be yours and your dhs baby ? This was what you had decided ? No ?

HappyLollipop · 22/01/2018 20:44

Why did you lie in the first place? He said he would be fine if it's biologically not his now he's going to be disappointed over what should have been exciting news, it was a stupid lie. If you can't communicate with your husband now it's just going to get worse with a baby.

Original poster
AnnaLuna · 22/01/2018 20:44

He really didn't know. He doesn't know when I ovulate and periods time.
He is in a bit of shock now.
He said it's ok, he wants me to keep baby.
I feel like a cheat now, should've kept it quiet as he originally wanted. I am a cheat though.

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Sparkesdontshine · 22/01/2018 20:47

So did you sleep with someone else, is that why you are saying you are a cheat?

Original poster
AnnaLuna · 22/01/2018 20:48

I am so stressed now, I won't be surprised if I miscarry,
Guess the whole situation is just wrong.
How can he be ok with it.

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