Happily married and we were TTC but I want an abortion

[theclick]

I posted about this when first finding out I was pregnant but even though DH and I were TTC (for one month), I got pregnant straight away and now, at 13 weeks, I still want an abortion.

I thought it would take at least 6 months to get pregnant at my age (33), and I feel like I'm going ahead with this to make everyone else happy - my parents, his mum. He wants the baby.

I don't think I'm really ready for the responsibility of a baby, even though I'm going along with the flow and today Even visited a local nursery.

I feel like no one is asking me how I feel and what I want to do. If it wasn't for them I would have had the abortion when I found out at 5 weeks.

I don't know what to do.

Op ignore floggingmolly, some people are just on here to make others feel worse and have nothing helpful to say. Youll find loads on here, they are easy to spot.

Hope your feeling a bit more positive today OP xxx

xStefx, thanks, I just don't get why someone would visit a pregnancy choices board to make someone feel worse. It's a bit - odd. That's why I think she has her own story to tell.

I feel a little better today. I mean still not great, but I talked to my dad, who is a lot more rational than my mum (who Calls me daily to tell me to "not walk fast" for fear of harming the baby - helpful). He has said to go there tonight so we can discuss it together. He's not humouring me I know, but it makes me feel better to know someone is listening.

Hey OP

Pregnancy really does f you up sometimes lol. I really hope you're feeling better soon! ignore rude people, they don't matter.

I agree with flogging

I don't know anyone that would dream of asking a pregnant woman if they really want the baby. Its not meant to be harsh but you don't. (Unless you are my MIL after finding out we had a marker for downs)

I don't know anyone that would dream of asking a pregnant woman if they really want the baby. Its not meant to be harsh but you don't. (Unless you are my MIL after finding out we had a marker for downs)

You're missing my point. I've told everyone how I feel and that I feel scared and unsure, they keep carrying on as if this is amazing news.

Hi theclick - I was in a very similar position to you in August 2015. I had been with my partner for a number of years, no money worries and we actively TTC and I got pregnant after having sex once.

I thought I'd be so happy when I became pregnant, however - like other posters have mentioned above, pregnancy hormones can be absolutely horrendous and my mood became incredibly low. I felt like everyone else would be very happy and excited (I didn't tell many people), yet I just didn't feel any happiness at all - it was regret, panic, terror... and whilst I was hoping those feelings would subside (as I appreciate a lot of women have a 'Oh God, what have I done?' moment) - they got increasingly worse.

I went to my GP and was prescribed Anti Depressants for the first time in my life - and whilst they certainly took the edge of things, I made the decision to terminate at 12 weeks.

I did have a scan at 11+3 weeks in the hospital and sitting there, with all the happy Mums to be with their partners was so anxiety provoking - I was in the corner, trying not to cry and get hysterical. When I had my scan, I kept hoping there was no heart beat so I didn't have to make the decision and it was out of my hands.

I don't regret my decision as I don't believe I would have coped through the rest of my pregnancy and thankfully BPAS / my partner (still with him) and my friends and family who knew were all incredibly non judgmental and supportive.

I'm not suggesting this is the right course of action for you, however - if YOU still want to terminate, then maybe it is worth discussion with someone who is completely external to you and could listen to your concerns and see how you feel after that?

6 months isn't a long time. What makes you think you'd feel any different if ye were trying for 6 months instead of 1 month!. I personally think it wouldn't make a difference.
Maybe you're scared, that's normal enough . You're life is about to change. There will be ups and downs. But your life will not be over ! You have great support and your financially stable. You're in much better position than a lot.
Ask yourself ...will I ever be ready ?
I think a lot of people feel like this but don't admit it. That's what makes it difficult for women who feel like this, no one talks about these things.
I was extremely nervous on dc 1. I secretly dreaded labour ( but I survived it!), I secretly dreaded sleepless nights ( survived again!)... if I had my time over, the only thing I'd do different is not breastfeeding feed. I hated it ( secretly) but felt I had to , I felt pressurised into it, but I didn't do.it for long. I know an awful lot of women love breastfeeding and it comes naturally to them but not for me.
You need to be aware that all these feelings are experienced by other people. I always tell new mum's that the first 6 weeks are the toughest. No one told me, and I felt like a failure.
You're body is recovering , your hormones are all over the place, you're sleep deprived.....but it passes . I didn't feel that initial rush of love either, it developed over weeks. Now, I'd do anything for my dcs! It's worth it all. They bring me more happiness than I thought was possible and the sense of pride I get from uttering these little beings is unreal.
Good luck. Talk to someone in rl. You need support.

They are probably carrying on as if you are unsure because they want to reassure you. As the PPs have said, it's not unusual to feel as you do. I would have terminated my second pregnancy if I hadn't had strong views on termination. I'd been TTC, he was much wanted, but the moment I realised I was filled with dread. I was very sick through the pregnancy as well. However, I knew in my head that we wanted the baby and relied on that to carry through the emotions I was suffering.

As for Flogging's words, well I see what she means though she could have been gentler! Your family are pleased about it, it is good news as you were TTC and thought it would be hard. If you don't keep this one, the next one really could be hard to conceive and may not arrive at all. Even though they know you are unsure about it, I expect they feel obliged to be positive and 'jolly you along' a bit.

You are thoroughly at the mercy of your pesky hormones at the moment!

I cried when I found out I was pregnant. Not happy tears.

When my dc was born I cried again - for joy.

Hormones are weird. Life chnging decisions are never easy and is it normal to have doubts about something as major as having a baby.

look, i am with flogging molly a bit...all the evidence points to you being thrilled you are pregnant, except the fact that you aren't.

Also, even though you have confided your feelings, it is a charmed circle of excited relatives/friends who will try to jolly you along "this is what you wanted" and be putting any negative thoughts down to first time nerves/unknown.

It is amazing news to them, and they don't have any of the hard work to do so really, there is no down side for them

If you do want children then really this situation is a shock, but buckle up and get the ride over and done with...means to an end and all that. Six months is going to make bugger all difference, it's not now or never, but it is NOW so you may as well get on with it

If you don't then you have to find someone to talk to and fast...and not someone close with a vested interest...like BIWI said there are people with experience of this

I really hope you start to feel better about this.

FloggingMolly makes a valid point, you may not like what they have said.
Ultimately it's your body and your choice. You have options but what ever you decide it will impact on your relationship with DH and the rest of the family.

FluffyPersian thanks for your input. How did you feel after? Do you want kids now?

Op I think I remember your original post and commented at the time (think I've had a name change since then). I sympathise with you and understand how you are feeling. I felt incredibly panicky and anxious first few weeks of pregnancy although never to the extent that I wanted the pregnancy to end.
Regarding people not asking you how you feel I think when you've tried to broach the subject before they have just tried to appease your worries...it may never have entered their head that you are considering terminating the pregnancy, that is such an extreme outcome and for some, inconceivable. What do you think your partner will say about it? You have to be prepared that their may be no coming back from it for him and your relationship...it's his child too and the damage done to him if you terminate could be irreversible. Do you have a history of mental health problems such as anxiety?

Have you had your 12 week scan you would know if your baby had downs syndrome. Are all the checks okay?

When I was pregnant I had no problem with hormones my partner even comments on how normal I seem . I like being pregnant I like the idea of being able to eat and enjoy what I eat with no guilt. Some women hate the idea of their bodies changing and having to eat for an extra person. Its a sacrifice and you have already commented on how you are eating healthy which is good complete opposite to me. Exercising is fine but you do have to take it easy in the last trimester you can buy a pregnancy work out DVD. Your body will bounce back again if you do the correct exercises after pregnancy.

OP, you say you've told your family / partner you're having mixed feelings but have you told them you're considering a termination? It's probably much easier for them to downplay your feelings until you tell them you're considering a decision that will alter their lives. I do agree with PPs that it's important (and respectful) to discuss this with your partner - I've seen a relationship end because of this before and the father end up severely traumatised, as to him the grief was the same as losing a child through miscarriage, in that it was taken out of his hands.

Do you want kids at all op? Did you feel a bit pressured to TTC by DH and your family and the reality didn't seem real? Obviously you shouldn't really continue with this pregnancy if you don't want to but I wouldn't have a termination then TTC again until you are 100% sure next time. I'd also be prepared for the fact that your DH will be devastated and angry

I felt a bit like this when I got pregnant unexpectedly quickly (first month of really paying attention to my cycle). And the night before we were met our now adopted child, if someone had told us that there had been a mistake and it wasn't going to happen, I would have been relieved. Now I wouldn't be without either of them

I think if you have no misgivings at all before such a big life-changing event, you probably don't really comprehend what it involves.

But you need RL support to work through your options, and you need to consider telling your DH how you are feeling right now.

This happened to me. I was told that I might find it hard to conceive so we threw away the pills, expecting that at some point in the future I might conceive. I became pregnant instantly - really; didn't even have another period. Worst time possible - we were just raking up the money to buy a house when the mortgage rate was about 18%, and we had put in an offer, from which we had to withdraw.

Termination was not an option.

So.......we gritted our teeth and got on with it. And she was so beautiful that we went on to have 2 more!

I know that moment of panic when you try to put yourself in the position of a mother when you had not expected it.

I hope that it all works out well for you.

Hi click, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. In fact I think this is quite common. I felt exactly the same as you with my second. Our first had taken a long time and fertility treatment, our dd happened on the first try.

I went to the gps and asked to have a termination. I was terrified and convinced we'd made a huge mistake. In fact I felt like tgst through much of the pregnancy. I now have a beautiful 10 month old whom I adore.

You're doing the right thing talking about it. If you sit down and try and put the terror and panic to one side, what do you feel? I think hormones mixed with the reality of becoming a parent are incredibly overwhelming things, so don't under estimate that.

Be kind to yourself and get whatever help and advice you can

Just wanted to add that if you do choose to go through with your pregnancy, don't panic if you don't get a rush of love when your child is born . I certainly didn't. It was more curiosity than anything. I've slowly fallen in love with my children. They are the loves of my life but there was no rush of joy or love at the time.

Hi givemestrengthorgn, I think we would come back from it, but my fear is that if I found it difficult to get pregnant in say three years, this would all be brought up.

HorridHenryrule I've had my scan but unfortunately baby kept moving, so while I know baby is ok and there is a heartbeat, I have to go back to check for Downs.

Hi theclick how did the chat with your mum and dad go last night? Hope you felt able to talk to them about your feelings.