Happily married and we were TTC but I want an abortion

[theclick]

I posted about this when first finding out I was pregnant but even though DH and I were TTC (for one month), I got pregnant straight away and now, at 13 weeks, I still want an abortion.

I thought it would take at least 6 months to get pregnant at my age (33), and I feel like I'm going ahead with this to make everyone else happy - my parents, his mum. He wants the baby.

I don't think I'm really ready for the responsibility of a baby, even though I'm going along with the flow and today Even visited a local nursery.

I feel like no one is asking me how I feel and what I want to do. If it wasn't for them I would have had the abortion when I found out at 5 weeks.

I don't know what to do.

theclick I felt a lot of regret, but not regret for the termination - regret for getting pregnant. It was 100% me suggesting it to my partner and I'm incredibly grateful that he left the decision up to me and was incredibly supportive throughout.

I would like children, however at this moment in time I don't think I will have them as I don't believe I could cope with pregnancy. I appreciate that might sound incredibly odd, but I have never felt so low / anxious in my life and when you're in that situation, it feels hopeless. I am 35 now, so appreciate I don't have a lot of time to make a decision - But if someone put a gun to my head and said 'Decide... yes, or no?' then at this moment in my life, I'd choose not to have children.

I think it's great that previous posters have said that they don't regret having their children - I could very well be in that position now, had I gone through with it, however to get from 12 weeks to 40 weeks without taking my own life (as I felt THAT bad....) just seemed too big a mountain to climb, so I chose a different path.

I hope you're feeling OK and I hope the conversation you had last night went well.

Hi op. Are you considering a termination? Or are you trying to cope but planning to continue the pregnancy? It's not clear.

OP. Flip it on it's head. How would you feel if you terminate this pregnancy and then never conceive again?

I think a lit of women when it actually happens think "oh god, now this is real is it right thing?" The hormones don't help.

If you were actively TTC you need to think about whether you ever want children as contemplating a termination when you actively got pregnant is a huge leap.

If you don't want children at all you need to be fair to your partner and tell him, give him chance to leave if he definitely wants children.

Also, nobody is every really "ready" for their first? And there's never a "right time".

My DD is five months old and even when she had colic and thrush and couldn't BF properly and it was harder than anything I've ever gone through, she's the very best thing in my life, ever.

Good luck

I never wanted DC and was certainly not 'happily married and TTC' I went along for termination advice at 6 weeks and was told to go away and reconsider....
Glad I did I'm not maternal, but adore my own dd. Find DC in general irritating....was 37 when I had her.
I was in denial throughout pregnancy, awful HG never read a thing about babies, planned ELC so didn't think about birth plans etc. All very clinical re the whole episode.

Think long and hard I've had 2 MMC since and had to be induced at 17 weeks. Baby died at 15 weeks. A harrowing experience.

My dad was great, really rational... my mum was even level headed which was helpful as she was not when I talked to her earlier in the day (started getting hysterical). It did make me feel better. I'm lucky in that they are offering all the help I need, even saying two days a week won't be enough for them to spend with their grandkids. But you know, they are old too - I can't burden them. I felt much better for talking. Do I still want to be pregnant? No. But I feel a lot better than a few days back.

I thought it would take at least 6 months

I think you should ask yourself what would actually be different in 6 months that would make a difference. I understand the shock - I conceived very quickly the first time and felt ambivalent about it. My GP organized some therapy for me that really helped.

I'm glad you had a productive conversation with them. Such a challenging time for you. Give yourself a bit of TLC.

Good luck op, that must be hard.

However I do kind of get the point made earlier, about how you found yourself in this position if you were actively ttc. I'm concerned that you were coerced into it?

I'm coming from the perspective of an infertile person. I wonder if the previous poster that was thought of as harsh was similar to me? It's difficult to understand your feelings on your pregnancy when you can't have a birth child yourself and it's what you dreamed of.

That doesn't mean you're wrong in any way, just that it's hard to see things from your pov when the opposite is true for yourself iyswim. Please try not to think badly of the previous poster, these boards are very very emotive for the terminally ttc.

I wonder how you might feel if you knew that this was your one chance of a birth child, if that would make it an easier decision?

I also wonder if having a positive result regarding the downs would make it easier for you too?

I'm coming from the perspective of an infertile person. I wonder if the previous poster that was thought of as harsh was similar to me? It's difficult to understand your feelings on your pregnancy when you can't have a birth child yourself and it's what you dreamed of.

Thanks for saying that (really), because that is exactly where I think the other poster is, but isn't saying. Which is difficult, because my pregnancy isn't for her to negatively comment on just because she can't understand my decision making or hormones.

But this is possible, when I found out at 5 weeks I came on to mumsnet and so many mum's said to me - I felt this way too, but it gets better and you will
Embrace it! I think it's something a lot of women feel but are scared of talking about because of reactions from people like floggingmolly.

I've talked to my lovely GP, midwives and consultant and they all say they hear it all the time.

Yes, you're not 'supposed' or 'allowed' to express negative thoughts or emotions when you're newly pregnant. The whole world expects you to be full of joy.

It's very difficult, in that context, to express how you feel (beyond what's 'allowed' as 'normal' anxiety).

And whilst I get that it must be agonising to be infertile/unable to conceive, that's actually none of your concern, because it's not your situation.

I really feel for you, OP, but think you're doing absolutely the right thing talking about it, and exploring these feelings with your family and with HCPs. What does your partner think? Does he understand you/where you're coming from?

For the record I have quite a few people close to me who had IVF and infertility and many of them said at some point in tears when finally pregnant 'this is so hard and miserable. Why do I feel like this. I should be so happy. I need to suck this up because I wanted it so badly but I'm not feeling happy' etc.

It's the fucking hormones! The baby itself is a totally separate thing to the pregnancy. For some people pregnancy is hell on earth no matter how desperately you wanted it.

I was a bit the same. I'd been on the pill for 16 years, came off it and was pregnant 4 months later. I'd expected to be ttc for well over a year (I was 35 and overweight) because that's what all the medical profession kept telling me.

FWIW I hated being pregnant. I felt completely out of control of my own life. I hated my body changing and all the symptoms etc.

I now have one year old twin girls. I'll gloss over their extremely premature birth and hospital time.
They are so bloody amazing and I can't tell you how lovely and squishy they are.
I'm not having any more children. I'm sending DH for the snip later this year.

Not exactly the same as you, but when DH and I found out we were having a baby we were both so happy. Very much planned and wanted baby. I had a lovely pregnancy and we both really enjoyed the build up! We brought DD home at 2 days old. And all I could think was - What the hell have I done! Our lives were fine before, why did I go and change it all!!

I spoke to a friend because I was worried I was developing PND, even though I knew I loved dd and she was what we'd been excitedly waiting for. My friend said it was quite normal, she felt the same when she had her first. I think it was just the very sudden realisation that our lives had changed.

I don't know if any of this will help you, but I just think the combination of hormones and the massive changes that are happening can make you have some strange feelings. They shouldn't be dismissed but definitely spend some time trying to figure out what it is you're struggling with. What about having a baby is it you don't want or you're scared about?

Is it the pregnancy bit? The birth? The 'loss' of your old life? Are you worried about your relationship? Most importantly, talk to your DH, he can't help you if he doesn't know.

OP I was in a similar situation a few years back and I chose to terminate. I would much rather regret an abortion than regret a child.

It was the right choice for me. I now have a (much wanted) one year old and it is SO hard so I know it was the right decision.

Do what's right for you.

I understand your mixed feelings.

I think you really need to consider how you would feel if you aborted and then never conceived. I've seen friends in this position and it is pretty heartbreaking.

cinnamon what is also common but much less talked about are people who had babies but regretted it.

As I say, better a regretted abortion than a regretted child.

Why are you looking around a nursery when you are the best part of a year away from sending a baby there? A lot can change in that time, I'm surprised they even let you in to look around

pink in London nurseries can have 18 month waiting lists, we looked round one when I was 8 weeks pregnant.

Ah yes, showing my small town roots now aren't I? That's madness!

I know! Ridiculous!!

Having a termination is not a big deal, I don't know anyone who has regretted that option. you can have a baby when you are truly ready.

Just wanted to reiterate what Soapbox queen said about not immediately falling in love with your baby. Some women don't. Some women fall in love slowly, and some women never love their children. I think it is one of society's biggest taboos, but it is true and it can be devastating for all involved.

I didn't see your original post, so from what I have read, there is a lot of focus on the pregnancy and a baby. How do you feel about being a parent to a toddler, or a school age child, or a teenager, or having adult children? The pregnancy is finite and a means to an end. You obviously have a close relationship with your own parents - don't you want that fir yourself and your husband as you get older?

If you were to terminate the pregnancy now, how would it impact on your husband (not that it is his choice but he is emotionally invested and I presume you love him). How would you feel if he said that he wanted to leave the marriage as a result or (a more likely scenario) that he didn't want to TTC again?

I don't envy you. Whatever decision you make, please self refer for counselling afterwards (or during the pregnancy if you carry on with it). It is only about you until the moment your baby is born - then, even if you don't love them and feel you have made a mistake, you should do your best to never let them know and to fake it as best you can. And hopefully the love will come. Xx

I'm a bit late in the day.... But just wanted to add this.
I got pregnant straight away with both of mine. I never talk about thus in real life because of people desperately trying to conceive. Both time, but particularly with dc1 I went into shock and then an oh shit moment. I remember crying and thinking oh no what have I done.... I've changed our lives for ever.. . I didn't enjoy the first four months of pregnancy as I was trying to get my head round being pregnant.
I felt like an idiot because we were actively trying in a if it happens great but v relaxed way... And when I actually got pregnant immediately I was cross with myself.
I think it's really difficult and you are recognising having a child is life changing.
I also found it hard to bond at first (no-one would have known). Happy for you to pm me if it helps.

Oh and Im not telling you what to do by thiis post. Only you can know what's best for you.

theworldisfullofidiots thanks, I may do that.

pinkblink they had no issues - I even asked if it was too early. Nursery is 10 mins drive from a station - I knew due to commuting parents it would be a busy one.