Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate 7

[mrsbigz]

May this thread continue to offer support and friendship to all who have found ourselves knocking at its door. May the door stay firmly wedged open - to be a comfort to those who have recently lost a little one, and welcoming back those who have longer memories of their loss. May the tea always be brewing and the millionaire shortbreads always freshly baked.

And may our all little ones find each other in a magical place, where they can run, laugh and play together with no boundaries

Barbie that must feel like such a blow. Do you think he will maybe change his mind again once a little more time has passed? He may also find that his doctor is not keen to consent because of his age - they tend to like to leave it much later because its makes the decreases the likelihood of a reversal request. How are you bearing up?

My DH is 44 now and I'm constantly on edge waiting for him to say time's up and we can't try anymore. It did surprise me though that each time I've been ready to try again pretty much straight away, he has been reluctant and left it a good three or four months. I don't think they understand the physical side of being pregnant and how it leaves you feeling after a loss. Or perhaps I have underestimated how much it has effected him emotionally - he's not really the type to talk about his feelings really.

Well, we've talked some more and he's now said that we can try again but not for at least a year's time. I should be sooo grateful but am still despairing as I don't feel that I'm young enough to be able to 'just wait a year'. He says that I've conceived ridiculously easily so far, which is true but that was at 33 and not long after my 35th birthday. This time next year I'll be going on 37 and things may well be more difficult.

Also, if we wait a whole year before ttc then I've got a feeling that it will be far more emotionally charged if I do manage to conceive, if that makes any sense? With the pregnancy that I just lost, it felt as though the ten week wait for the CVS wasn't quite as bad as it might have been if we had spent months desperately ttc (pregnancy was an accident). The thought of spending a year building up to even trying, it then taking months to happen and then it all going wrong again is petrifying. It's so hard not to plead with him to reconsider but I'm doing my best not to make him feel any more pressured than he already is, poor man

Maybe it is something to do with the physical nature of the loss making us feel like we need to try again straight away. It does seem like a pattern on this thread for the men to be far more reluctant, doesn't it?

I'm glad he changed his mind DTNB. I think you should agree to the one year wait and it might not come to that. It's still very raw at the moment and in a couple of months he may well feel different. If it's any consolation I took three months to concieve first and second time (at 35 and 37) and five months third time (38) so fertility doesn't seem to diminish that rapidly. However, the wait for the CVS was dreadful after a previous termination at 22 weeks, a desperate five months trying to be pregnant again and then 11 weeks of dire morning sickness. And then of course the bad result and another termination. It's unavoidable that what has come before will have an impact and up the stakes.

I just this absolute ache to be pregnant again. I feel empty and like a shrivelled up mess. I don't care how stressful being pregnant actually is as for those 11 weeks I had a bit of hope things might be ok and that was easier to live with than my current chronic despair. I don't think men do really understand the physical side and like you lily, mine doesn't talk to anyone except me and he doesn't talk to me that much about it. One thing I have done which perhaps wasn't wise is kept him away from it all to try to protect him from the trauma. I went through both terminations alone as I thought if he was present at something so awful he would never let us try again. I went for all the early scans and the CVS on my own too. I don't know whether this has protected him or just means he doesnt understand what I've been through. He is supportive of trying again though so maybe it did work as a tactic.

Anyway lily, I think I'd remind him that plenty of women have a baby at 44 these days, never mind men!

One of my friends told me she was pregnant yesterday. I managed to say all the right things but I do wish people wouldn't tell me to my face.

DTNB, I'm glad he changed his mind. Mine wanted to have a vasectomy after the birth of our first but I persuaded him to wait. He hasn't mentioned it recently but I guess it may be in the background for him. It's interesting to hear that there's a pattern on here with the men being more reluctant. I have found though that knowing we're going to wait a few months to decide is giving me a break from worrying about it all and helping me remember that there is other stuff in life. I've gone back to yoga to help feel better about my body and we've managed to plan a couple of nights out where we can just enjoy being together rather than feel under pressure to discuss ttc all the time. It's different for everyone though, you can't help how you feel, nor should you deny it.

egglet I sympathise with the pregnancy announcements, I seem to get email pictures of newborns every other day at the moment.

After our first healthy ds it should say, vasectomy was not related to tfmr, though I suspect it's in his mind somewhere.

Ouch, that must have been tough Eggletina Well done for keeping your composure although if you had visibly winced before offering congratulations, surely nobody could have blamed you. How are some people so effing tactless? How did your checkup go, by the way?

I just this absolute ache to be pregnant again. I feel empty and like a shrivelled up mess. I don't care how stressful being pregnant actually is as for those 11 weeks I had a bit of hope things might be ok and that was easier to live with than my current chronic despair.

Yep, same here. Exactly

And I also tried to shield my DH from as much of the trauma as possible, for the same reasons as you. In fact, when I found out I was pregnant I even considered trying to keep the whole thing secret from him for a deranged hour or two I didn't let him come to the dating scan but he did come to the CVS, was at the hospital when I had the termination and came to the cremation on Monday. And of course he saw all the tears before and after the results. And when we were discussing ttc again last night, he said "so you really want to go through all that again?", incredulously. He's definitely been put off by seeing the effect this has had on me.

You probably did the sensible thing in keeping your DH at arm's length, as it were. It must be bloody awful feeling that he doesn't truly understand how deeply this has affected you but, on the other hand, if he did realise then maybe he wouldn't be so willing to let you go through it again.

Thanks purcell. Hope the yoga and nights out together do help. That sounds like a very sensible and healthy approach. You're so right about needing to live your life and not make the ttc thing the be-all and end-all...

Hello ladies. Sorry I haven't been posting much recently. It was our due date on Tuesday and I've found that it brought back all of those horrible memories and feelings again. I was doing ok with it all as it also marked the time when we said we would start ttc again so although it was sad, there was always a positive side to it. Until my DH announced on Saturday that he's not ready yet and isn't sure when he will be.

I've gone into a completely manic downward spiral. I'm 37 and we don't have any dcs yet due to being on this hideous fertility roller coaster nightmare for over 10 years now. I feel that time is running out and he doesn't understand the urgency.

But then I logged on here and your conversation has really helped. I didn't shield my DH from any of it as I didn't cope very well at all and needed his support. Plus my Mum and friends weren't the best of help so I relied on him a lot. His point is that he doesn't think he can go through it all again if it's bad news whereas I just focus on the positive side and try to blank out that there may be a negative outcome again.

He's right of course and if he's not ready then I can't force him but how on earth can I keep my feelings of total panic in check? Let's face it, a 37 year old panicking about not having children is hardly an attractive sight and it's not going to help matters!!!

And if by some miracle we do ever get pregnant again then I'm going to just cope with the worry about another ectopic at the very beginning and the panic of the 12 wk scan all by myself!!!

lily how are you doing? Did you have a nice weekend away? Hope your due date passed ok.

Love to the rest of you and thank you for helping to keep me a little bit sane!!!

xxxxxx

Hi RW, sorry it was so tough but I just think it is a horrible day and all I can say is at least it's over now. For me it definitely rated as one of the saddest.

Try not to panic about what your husband has said, perhaps he just needs to talk it over with you. I think it's really hard for men as I'm sure they don't have as many outlets as women for seeking support. Also, don't feel that you did something wrong in not shielding him from it. I think that my approach was quite unusual, but I am the kind of person who deals with things better on my own. If there's someone else there I worry about them so it was not all altruism that motivated me. I would have hated him to see me in that state and that in turn would have made it worse for me.

If/when you do get pregnant again then you will inevitably worry about it going wrong again. To go through what you've gone through removes all niavety from pregnancy and there's nothing anyone can do about that. However, there's a growing number of women on the other thread who have all gone on to have healthy babies after terminations and perhaps they can be an example for you? Another thing I think, having gone through this twice, is yes, it's dreadful that it can and does happen again but I got through it, because you are always tougher than you think. It's still heartbreaking but it's a familiar heartbreak that doesn't have the horrific shock of the first time. Sad but true.

I hope you're feeling a bit better today though.

DTNB, he's seen plenty of hysterics as well, it's just the actual procedures I kept him away from! It does leave me feeling more isolated though so there is definitely a cost.

I haven't had a check up as I feel too crap at the moment to face going back to the hospital voluntarily. I'm going to go next week instead as I do have this fear of infection lurking somewhere. I am wondering whether I have PMT as I feel so awful. It will be 4 weeks on Monday although last time it took another 2 weeks for my period to return.

Wombled sorry to hear you're feeling so down. I hope your DH comes round soon, I'm sure he will given time. I think we all forget how much it effects them too, though in a different way. I think just spend time together being a couple and keeping yoru relationship good. Make it clear you're ready and he just has to say the word when he is. What Eggletina says makes a lot of sense. My DH went through everything with me again and it took him a good few months to come round to the idea of TTC, where I would have been ready almost next day, it was the same with the ectopics too.

Wombled I hadn't realised you'd had an ectopic before this too - my first two pg were ectopic, so I know what you mean about the worry at the beginning, every twinge had me thinking that was it again. It feels like so many hurdles and now this time there will be so many more.

Eggletina I know what you mean about familiar heartbreak, its sad but very true. So many people sail through and have no idea what can go wrong. Are you feeling any better now? I remember feeling like I had pmt for weeks and weeks, but my tests were still showing +ve for 8 weeks after. I think pmt is also very possible, to be honest I think anything goes in terms of hormones for you right now. Look after yourself.

Purcell and Barbie how are doing? Maryangela if you are still readying hope you are as ok as you can be.

Our weekend away after our due date was lovely, just one night and then a day at a trade show, but the change of scenery was just what I needed. For the first time in ages I am actually feeling positive. We had our consultant appt last week and she is lovely too, very helpful and optimistic that we can get there. I'm now on bromocriptine and clomid, and going for bloods every 7 days to see if I'm ovulating or not. The side effects from the tablets aren't nice but it feels good to be doing something if that makes sense.

Hi all

Hope everybody is coping.

Glad you had a good weekend away Lily and fingers crossed the tablets work for you. That's interesting that you had PMT for weeks. I don't know what's going on but I've had bouts of PMT over the last couple of weeks but then I am also desperately depressed so I don't know what's normal anymore. I've been beeding for over 6 weeks now, it's got heavier this week so it might be a period, but I've had another scan and I've still got loads of retained clots. The consultant knows I'm fearful of potential damage from a d&c so I'm having them removed via a hysteroscopy, but not for a fortnight. I had the CVS in mid December, it seems incredible that this is still an 'incomplete miscarriage' in mid February and won't be over for another fortnight. Additionally, thanks to the recent scan report I know exactly how many weeks pregnant I should be and when my due date was, things I'd been trying to avoid. I cannot believe these are still automatically generated on any scan report you have even after the pregnancy is over.

I should be tougher about these things by now but I'm utterly ground down by it all.

Hello to everyone.

It was 2 years ago today that we met and said goodbye to our beautiful daughter Olivia. I miss her.

I posted here for a while and am so grateful for the support that the ladies gave me to help me through one of the darkest periods of my life.

If any of the ladies who offered support read this a very sincere thank you.

I am much more of a lurker on Mumsnet these days but think of you all often.

Gina X

Hi all
just wanted to reach out to you all today as i am feeling like i'm in a huge hole and can't see my way out. it has been just over 4 wks since our termination of our baby boy (who had trisomy 13) and i have been doing my best to function for my 2 DS. some days i am able to smile and have fun with them, but on days like today i find it so hard to just be around them.

i'm not really following the thread at the moment as just trying to put any energy i have into my boys but it gives me great comfort knowing that i'm not the only one out there.

thanks for taking the time to read this.
x

Hello. I was wondering if I could join you?

I found out today that at 20 weeks pregnant by baby has a severe CCAM on its lung which has caused the heart to deviate and pushed the tummy etc out of place. The CCAM is causing fetal heart distress and the prognosis is no good. I am getting counselling on Monday and another scan but they already sort of indicated that they very much let you decide whether you want to terminate or wait for things to naturally take their course. I'm sitting staring at my baby bump and I don't understand how this could happen. We fought for this baby. Multiple rounds of IVF, one miracle embryo and THIS. I'm just an emotional wreck swinging from loving my baby and weeping, to hating life.

Hello, Im an old poster from over a year ago now. I havent been on here for a long time, but wanted to just pop in to give support to those ladies on here who may be having a rough ride at the moment. Ive not read the whole thread so please forgive me for the lack of personals.

Quick background, we found out at our 12 week scan that our baby girl had Turners Syndrome & Hypoplastic Left Hear Syndrome, we terminated 3 weeks later in Sept 2010. This support thread was my life line.

Maryangela I hope you are feeling a bit better? I had 2 DD at the time of our termination and found some days so hard to function, forcing myself to play with the girls and feed them was as much as I could do some days. It does get easier I promise. Please accept any offers of help or distraction. Getting out for a walk always worked well for me - especially good if struggling with the kids as it gives them a chance to burn off energy and put their focus somewhere other than on you. I dont know how old your boys are, mine were 4yrs and the younger was 2.5yrs.

newmummy100 Im so sorry to hear of your news. Making the decision to end a pregnancy is a heartbreaking one, as is the knowledge that your pregnancy is not expected to continue to the end. We were given the option of terminating or letting nature take its course. To protect our daughters from the loss we opted to terminate. This was what was best for us.

What a truely awful place to be in. I can completely understand the feelings you are experiencing at the moment. I felt exactly the same. I hope you and your DP have lots of support IRL.

I just wanted to put out a message of not only support but hope. As dark as the days are right now, it does eventually get easier. It takes a lot of time, a lot of grieving, but normality does eventually work its way back in. We will never truely stop hurting from losing Cara, but we are at a place now where we are happy. xx

just popping back in... having only read the last two posts sorry....

natzCNL - am feeling a bit better at the moment thanks. haven't had another day like that yet... gosh this road of grief is a hard one! my head is foggy all the time and i find it really hard to complete tasks.
my DS are basically the same age as your girls were. almost 5yrs and 2.5 yrs. am am fortunate to live in asia where we have home help but the downside is i have no family around.

newmummy100 - i'm sorry you've had such bad news especially after the lengths you took to get your precious wee baby. just letting you know you are not alone. after finding out at our 12 wk scan our baby had some very serious problems i felt i was in the deepest darkest hole all alone. i cried, wailed and found myself on the bathroom floor rocking. our dear wee boy had trisomy 13. once we made the decision to terminate i felt a sense of relief knowing that it was right for the baby, us and our 2 DS. you will decide what's best for you. be kind to yourself. hugs to you :)

There haven't been many posts here recently; I hope everyone is getting some support IRL and is coping with the days.

Please don't feel shy about posting, this thread was a lifeline to me in the dark days that followed my termination.

Hope everyone who's posted on this thread is bearing up ok, especially when due dates are coming up or friends are pregnant and hearing their news is hard to cope with, even if you are happy for them.

I'm thinking I'll have to hide one of my fb friends as the updates are getting to be too much. I feel awful because it's her first pregnancy and of course she's madly excited about it. But statuses like "heard baby's heartbeat today" just get to me. I'm pretty ok most of the time now but seeing that, immediately makes me think of my pregnancy that should still be ongoing.

If I'm ever lucky enough to have a viable pregnancy again, I'm going to make damn sure I never post stuff like that for all to see. Maybe if there is the teeniest tiniest positive in all this it's that it makes you more sensitive to what other people may be going through or have lost

It is tough, dealing with normal pregnant people and their unthinking excitement - I used to feel like a complete wet blanket, thinking, "fine today, but you wait...". And of course it really drives it home that that's not you, hearing your healthy baby's heartbeat, and looking forward to scans. I still can't watch scan scenes on tv, and the awful sound of the heartbeat goes right through me. In the end I found it easier to say nothing.

Hi, I hope it's ok to join this thread - I posted in bereavement and it was suggested that I might find some help here. Firstly, I am so sorry that so many of us find ourselves here.

So my story - last March I found out I was pregnant. Third pg since I had DD (now 4), two early mc. May 2011 I started bleeding at just over 11 weeks, had a scan, saw my lovely baby on the monitor, heart going strong, legs a kicking, arms waving at me. Then doc said he wanted to do further internal scans and told me that the baby had anecephaly. He explained that it was very severe and I would not make it to full term and that generally in my situation people terminate. We agreed and I had a termination two days later. The whole thing is just a blur in my mind.

I am still struggling with it. I try but I cannot get past the image of my baby waving at me and I cannot get over the idea that I caused my baby to die - I signed those damn forms. I have always been pro-choice its not about that - I just can't get past that this much wanted baby died because I consented to it. I was preparing myself for the sad news of a mc - but the way this happened, its too much to bear in some ways. Its also very sad to think that we won't ever have another child - again I was coming to terms with this after the mc - I just didn't expect it to happen in this way. (I have been referred for genetic tests but can't bear to do it, don't want to go to the hospital and I think my age is against me and anyway, I don't think I am mentally strong enough for another pg - plus DH is adamant that we do not try again).

Unfortunately the after care was shocking - infections then GP asking how many weeks on I was, bereavement office at hospital being horrible to me (I complained that no one informed me about the funeral and I was told to come get my specimen and sort it myself then), counsellor was inappropriate (telling me to just get pg again, discussing other clients with me) which put me off seeking any further help.

Its now a year since the termination and I am trying very hard to move forward. I have a lot of anxiety about protecting DD which I am pushing myself to deal with and I am trying to let go of the guilt. I can't bear to talk to anyone IRL but I started having reiki today which I hope will help. If nothing else it was an hour for myself to lie peacefully and think, which was good.

anyway, sorry for the long post, will try to witter less in the future.

hey there MsGee - i saw your post and didn't want it to go unanswered. i don't post so much on this board any more, but it was an immense help to me last year when we lost our little one.
i'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby :( it sounds from your post like it all happened very quickly from diagnosis to the the tfmr, and also that you maybe didn't have enough time to take it all in - obviously you were following advice from the doctors but cripes, they'd just given you the news every parent to be dreads - it seems that their care (particularly aftercare) was missing somewhat.

what i did want to say was that your feelings of guilt are completely normal, but you must try and remember why you did what you did - it was out of love for your baby. i think the mums on this board who have been in our position and had to end a much wanted pregnancy are some of the bravest selfless woman i know. while i am now in a much better place over a year on from my termination, i still have days where i feel really guilty about what i did, was it the right thing to do, i question everything about the decision that dh and i made. BUT i have to remember that we made them for the right reasons - the life she would have had would have been a difficult one, and we also had our other two young children to consider. we made the right decision for our baby and our family at that time - and even though it was the worst thing i have ever gone through, i know that i would make the same decisions again.

i completely understand your feelings about the scan too. my story is slightly different to yours, we had a high risk nuchal scan with odds of 1:5 for down syndrome and were that one. however they'd also picked up an enlarged cystic hygroma (prognosis unknown!). we ended up going for a detailed heart scan when i was about 16wks pregnant and i was torn between looking at the screen or not - knowing that what i saw may have a huge effect on our decision to continue or not with the pregnancy.

it is a shame you're not able to talk to anyone IRL about this - while i did most of my talking on this board, i did have some RL support too - although it was certainly easier talking on here as everyone had been or was in the same situation and understood. i'm glad that you have started reiki - anything that can relax you for an hour or so must be very worthwhile doing! have you thought about looking elsewhere though for a new counsellor? i didn't have counselling myself, but i know quite a few ladies on this board had counselling and it really helped them.

sorry i'm babbling a little too now.....i hope that i've made you feel a little better, and please do post here again - i'm sure someone else will be along shortly too.

speak soon x

Hi mrsbigz thankyou for your response - much appreciated.

I am sorry about your baby - its just very hard isn't it. You are right in that I do (objectively) know it was the right choice - for the baby and my family and we would have done the same again. I guess I am just railing against it.

I don't really want to go for counselling but if the reiki doesn't work I know a good traumatic bereavement counsellor. I guess I just don't want to feel I am starting at the start again - one year on!

The reiki did help - I felt much more peaceful at night rather than the feeling of dread I normally have at night.

x

Hi everyone,

This is the first time I have posted on here, but having seen the comments I wanted to just say thank you to everyone for the honesty and just reading that other people have similar thoughts to me is really reassuring.

Our baby girl passed away almost 3 weeks ago, the 20 week scan showed up 'abnormalities not compatible with life' as they say, and so had to be induced, her heart was stopped, and I delivered her after a 19 hour morphine and complication filled labour. This was my first pregnancy (and much wanted) and I still cant believe everything thats happened as she looked fine at the 12 week scan and then we were shocked with what the 20 week scan showed up. I keep wondering why our little baby kept hanging on in there and struggling with so many problems, and what a waste when at the end of the day we had to decide to end the life she was fighting for. It makes me terrified of what any possible future pregnancies may hold, if we get that lucky again.

Ive been pacing the internet for reasons of anything I did/ didnt do (futile I know but I cant help it), or support, or just to understand if the waves of emotion is normal, and reading some of the comments on here is really reassuring that Im not alone in my worries or feelings and that actually we are all strong women for going through what we've been through and coming out the other side. It gives me hope.....as I am so desperate to start a family.

Sorry for waffling on by the way. x

Hello Twingo,

I not a frequent poster on here anymore but wanted to respond to your post. I so sorry for your loss. So much harder with it being your first pregnancy. We were given genetic counselling after our loss, they had taken a blood sample from our baby girl to do whatever tests they needed to do to determine if this was 'just one of those things' or something that was likely to reoccur. I am sure you too will be given this.

I hope you have lots of support in real life. I spent months after our loss questioning what I had done differently in our lost baby girls pregnancy than with our previous 2 baby girls pregnancies. There was no difference, it was just sheer bad luck. Not very comforting but I could stop torturing myself at least.

We now have another baby girl, aged 8 months. Her pregnancy was very closely monitored and was extremely worrying although it was completely normal and non-eventful.

How are you bearing up? The first few months were the toughest for me, although the first year after our loss was very emotional with all the 'should have been/could have been' events & dates.

MsGee - I sorry too for your loss and how awfully you were treated! I hope you are bearing up ok, Im glad the Reki has helped.

newmummy100 - how are you? Been thinking of you which is why I cae back on here. So sad to see new faces, but hope you are all getting through this with lots of love and support.

maryangela - how are you doing? How are your boys? I hope you are moving forward without too many set backs.

Hello to all the other ladies out there, espacially the 'old' names. I hope you are all well, and I look forward to reading updates on our thread babies. There was a mention a while back of a meet up - I think? Is this still happening?

Hello to Coffee, Littlepoot, Ghislaine, Kittens, Cant and many more

Sienna is 8 months now, babbling, crawling, standing, getting into mischief and being adorable. DD1 is nearly through reception and DD2 starts reception in September!

Sorry! Thought I was in the sister thread when I mentioned the thread babies. My mistake, Im sorry xx