Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate 7

[mrsbigz]

May this thread continue to offer support and friendship to all who have found ourselves knocking at its door. May the door stay firmly wedged open - to be a comfort to those who have recently lost a little one, and welcoming back those who have longer memories of their loss. May the tea always be brewing and the millionaire shortbreads always freshly baked.

And may our all little ones find each other in a magical place, where they can run, laugh and play together with no boundaries

Hi Lily, thanks for msg, it's been a much harder day today. That nice calm feeling is wearing off... My two stepchildren are here with us for the afternoon and we had agreed that we wouldn't tell them what's happened because we didn't think they'd be with us for more than a few hours - so not really much time for them to ask questions and take everything in before they'd have to go home to their mum. They'll be with us for longer in a couple of weeks, so we thought that we'd be in better shape to tell them then and we'd have proper time together. Normally they're not overly interested in the baby, but sods law being what it is they both ran in saying "is the baby in there? is the baby in there?" and the eldest boy kissed my tummy (the baby) hello. Keeping a smile on through that was hard going. Since then I've been desperately trying to keep a brave face on with them and it turns out they are now staying the night because we can't get them home early enough. So more brave face required when I just want to curl up and wail... Bless them though, it's lovely to see them and it's probably good for us on some level. I think my partner is finding it tough too, he looks strained. At least we've got some time off work this week, so we'll have quiet time pretty soon. x

That sounds really tough gertlushgirl. You are doing really well.
Sending you hugs xxx

hey gertlushgirl, sorry i've not been on sooner - been thinking about you an awful lot though this weekend.

It sounds like you're being incredibly brave with your step-children there....even my own two boys were with their grandparents after we lost Eve - simply because i couldn't cope with having to put a brave face on with anyway......especially them! i think you are doing wonderfully well xx
i'm glad that everything went as smoothly as possible the other day, and that both you and dh made decisions (although different) that you were both happy with....that's the most important thing. Like Lily, i found the first 2 or 3 days quite surreal - a sense of peace (and thankfully a sense that we had done the right thing) but when the grief and emotion hit me it hit hard. i found this board an invaluable source of support at that time so please post here whenever you want to - whatever you're feeling i'm sure someone will have felt something similar here too.
i'm now 8 months on from losing Eve and it does get easier - i still have wobbles now, particularly when i see baby girls who would be a couple of months old (as she would) however i'm at peace with myself and i know that we did the right thing. there was a time when i never thought i could smile or laugh or enjoy myself again without feeling guilty - but i have and i do. it will get better over time, no matter how cliched that sounds.
anyway i'm rambling again (sorry!!!) just wanted to check in on you xxxxxx

Gertlushgirl I hope you are doing ok today, that's very brave of you to have your step children round so soon. Also glad you got through the hospital process and made the right decisions for you and your dh. The first week or two are very tough and unreal, although as others have said there can be a sense of calm as all the decision making is over. I hope you and your dh have some quiet time soon. Be kind to yourselves this week.

Blacktreaclecat I hope everything has calmed down now, that all sounds really frightening.

Hi to Lily and all the others.

Hi ladies x

gertlushgirl - so sorry you find yourself here honey. But here is a good place to be after going through what you have. You and your OH have been so brave. I dont post so much now but this thread and the wonderful ladies here were my life line after my term. back in April this year.

As others have said the first few days can feel strangely peaceful and calm. I rember being quite shocked at how well i was doing! Natures way of protecting us somehow i think. Plus after the hell of the waiting for results and waiting for the procedure frankly it is a kind of relief to have it behind you. Be good to yourself and be prepared for your emotions to swing wildly. I used to find i'd go through hourly ups and downs. It will settle and you will get through. You're doing so well. You are not alone, and can always speak your mind here about your thoughts and feelings whereas you may be trying to keep a brave face on in RL for your OHs sake, or for other reasons ((hugs)) Use us - its what we're here for :)

blacktreacle - hope you're still taking it easy. What a panic. Relax though hun, its so so common to bleed a bit. (i had it last time and googled like mad and found its almost more common than not to bleed! MrsB we had this conversation a couple of days ago) Keep us updated and we're all thinking of you ((hugs again))

lily - went again to accu. this Sunday. 2nd appt. Yes it is a very good combo, the accu. + councelling training in the practitioner. I was on CD 2 and bleeding heavily on Sunday. My mood was AWFUL and quite honestly i felt like driving over a cliff rather than anything else (I was alone for this appt.) We had another pregnancy anouncement in the imediate family on Friday eve. ANYWAY i left the accu. appt. walking on air. I'm not sure what those herbs are that he burns exactly but my god they do wonders! lol. No seriously he quizzed me alot more about my health. Then got stuck in with the needles. Pun intended :)

My feeling is that its really important that he's a specialist in fertility. I've educated myself to such an extent now about ttc that i would feel very disheartened if i found i was having to explain to him about the relevence of length of luteal phases and temp rises and worries about egg quality 'et all'. He is a mine of info and has put my mind at rest about so much.

I have pursueded my OH to go along for treatment next Sunday. Accu.ist actually said he feels (after going through his notes) that OH may need treatment more than i do. Mines more mental than physical. OH has testicular pain and has had scans that show nothing. Accu.ist feels he can help.

Bet you wish you hadnt asked now, lol. Sorry for great long ramble.

Love and best vibes to all - glad to see this thread is still giving so much love and support xxxxx

Thanks for lovely messages, I'm definitely feeling a lot calmer today. We've still got the boys (stepsons) round as their mum couldn't get home in time for us to drop them back - timing! But actually building lego and drawing monsters is quite good cheering up therapy, especially now that all baby talk has stopped and they've gone back to being not interested. Something that I'm surprised by is how OK I feel physically. Is that normal? I just expected to be more battered than I am after labour. Everything feels normal apart from the fact that I can sleep for England. Maybe that's a lucky break from nature. She owes me big style anyway.
Anyway, just can't wait to have some time on my own. I just crave being on my own in PJs on the sofa, with a weepie period drama, some chocolate and a box of kleenex. Time with OH is great too, although he's not so keen on the period drama bit...
I agree with what people have said about there being a sense of relief at the procedure being over. I do feel certain that we made the right decision for us and that we protected our little girl from a lot of pain and a very uncertain existence. That thought makes me sad but it's comforting at the same time.
Thanks for all the support. It really helps knowing what others have felt going through this. xxx

Hi Gertlush. I'm so pleased that you're doing ok. You poor thing having to cope with the step children. It sounds like they're a good distraction but I can totally understand you looking forward to having some alone time. Just take it easy on yourself. You may find the weepiness coming in a couple of days as it seems that the adrenaline slightly wears off so just look after yourself and have plenty of chocolate on hand! I totally agree with you about the relief. I sort of felt like I could start to move on a little bit once it was all over. Sending you lots of hugs and keep posting.

Treacle I'm so sorry to hear that you're having a bit of a rubbish time. I too had some bleeding and phoned my GP in a mass panic about it all. She was very calm and said that it was totally normal and nothing to worry about. Let us know how you get on with everything. I'm sending you good vibes :)

Misty I'm glad that you're finding the acupuncture good. I've been seeing a Chinese herbalist so am drinking horrible teas twice a day and having acupuncture every two weeks. No idea if it's doing any good and it's costing me a fortune but I'm hoping it will be worth it. Interesting that your OH is going to go too. Do let us know how he finds it. And I LOVE that floaty light feeling that you get afterwards!

Love to Lily and everyone else.

xxxxxxxx

hi gertlush am a bit late as not on here so much now, but wanted to say sorry you found yourself here. It sounds like you are doing brilliantly, and it's so brave of you to put on the brave face for the step kids. I just wanted to say when I saw your comments about wanting time alone to watch TV and being able to sleep a lot,I had exactly the same thing. Am in Aus and my parents arrived from the UK, and I found myself doing the cooking/clearing/cleaning/running around when all I craved was afternoons on the couch, with or without DH. As they came, he went back to work and I found it really tough, so I think you are doing so well!
Physically I felt ok too, just like a heavy period for a bit really, with a few cramps a few days later from everything going back to 'normal' i guess. (I was induced at 20 wks in March, my first labour too, and I was one of the people that had to have a break between taken the pills and then going to double dose 12 hours later, got there eventually!) I look back now as it is the saddest thing that has ever happened to me, and almost can't believe it did. It's also tough now as this was about the time last yr that I found I was pg so it's weird with certain things happening in the school yr that I remember going through whilst pregnant last yr.
Anyway this has accidentally turned into a me post, sorry about that! I hope you get your couch time soon, take the time you need and indulge, you deserve it.

treacle how are you doing lovely?

love to everyone else xx

Very quick update (for those who are interested) ? just to warn it?s pg related though?..
CCAM: The latest on the CCAM is that it doesn?t appear to have grown in the 2wks since my last appointment. Will have more information though next Friday (2nd) when we have our specialist apt at the FMU in Oxford). It still doesn?t seem to be putting any pressure on the heart or other organs which again is reassuring, nor are there any signs of hydrops which is the other concern. Still may have to have a c-section and possibly deliver in Oxford
PREMATURITY: cervical length still looking good (although slightly shorter than last time), and no sign of any leaking fluid or funnelling. Reach viability next wk which is a huge milestone, and then after that I?ll be hoping to make it to 30wks which is when my waters broke with ds2! No need (currently) for steroid injections, but will be reviewed at my next apt. in a months? time. Will also speak to the paediatricians at my local hospital, so that should i go into early labour they?re well informed about my situation?.
PLACENTA: well, it is still placenta praevia, but at the apt. yesterday she noted that it is about 3mm away from the opening of the uterus ? so it looks as though it is slowly moving up as baby grows. I really hope this is the case as it would be one less thing to worry about.
SCIATICA/PGD: ? bah humbug ? and I know it?s nothing compared to all the above, but have been getting shooting pains in my right buttock/leg which she said was either sciatica or pgd ? not much can be done other than ?keep it moving? and ?swimming it good for it? (but when!?) ? but really it?s the least of my problems so will just bear with it!
STUPID REGISTRARS: sorry ? I know we?ve all experienced them at some point or another but mine yesterday nearly gave me a heart attack. Was scanning me and doing measurements prior to my consultant arriving in the room, head and abdomen seemed fine and on track, but then he measured the femur length and got a measurement nearly 2 weeks behind what it should be?? Completely freaked me out as I know this can be a soft marker (and obviously I?ve not had any invasive testing this time around) so I asked him to re-measure which added a week on, but then didn?t trust either so thankfully my consultant re-did all the measurements (and got it almost exactly on track. And breath!!!!
That?s about it from me?..sorry for the very self-centred post.
Misty: sorry to hear you?ve had another pregnancy announcement in the family ? that must be quite tough?..i hope they were more sensitive to your feelings this time and didn?t just blurt it out and make you see a billion scan pics. And I hope it was someone who ?deserved? to be pregnant. It?s weird that I still feel like that, even now. Pregnancy announcements still affect me, but if I know they?ve had a loss, or been trying for a while I feel a lot happier for them than those couples who can fall pregnant at the drop of a hat!!! Strange but true. I wonder if that will ever change?
Also, really glad to hear that the 2nd acupuncture session went well ? particularly as where you are in your cycle ? I can imagine it must be lovely to feel that amount of relaxation while AF is visiting!! Does he have a slightly different care plan for you now when you?re entering your fertile window? Also is interesting that he feels that your partner could benefit more from acupuncture ? is he up for it??
Blacktreacle: sorry you?ve had such a scare ? as Misty said we had a chat about it the other day ? and this is the first pregnancy I?ve had (out of 6 including mc?s) where I?ve not bled in the first trimester. Usually I bleed from about 5-13wks!!! I actually spoke to my consultant this time around as I was worried because I wasn?t bleeding ? stupid I know but gosh, it is certainly very common, much more so than I ever realised. That said, it is also very worrying, so I hope that it?s all under control now and you?re feeling much better about things.
Flower sorry not responded to your posts, I hope that the fertility treatment is going ok and you?re not suffering too much from any side effects. Whereabouts are you in your cycle now?
Hello to everyone else, Lily, RecentlyWombled, Gertlushgirl, in particular ? speak soon xxx

just a quickie, sorry for lack of personals
Yesterday was cd14 and went in for scan, she said there were two good folicles ready to go, go home and have sex!!
love to everyone x

Go flower Go! I got pregnant thanks to clomid after three unsuccessful IUIs - I'm sure it was the extra follicle that did the business.

Hello all,
Today is couch day!! Partner has gone back to work, and I've got today and this weekend before I head back too. So it's book, chocolate and CALM at last! I've had a busy few days because OH's way of coping is distracting himself, which on one level is great, but I do feel slightly cheated of time to just absorb what's happened. Everything still feels slightly surreal and I would have liked to have had the space to think and feel. I think since I've been in distraction mode all week, today won't necessarily be long enough to shift gear, but at least I don't have to go anywhere. In the past few days we've had the stepkids, seen the inlaws, been to the South Coast and back for a night in a hotel, been round some East End art galleries and been out Oxford way twice to see/ drop off kids. Tomorrow we're going to Bristol. It's been a week today since I gave birth. Just writing this is making me realise what a crazy bonkers way to spend your recovery week that is...
Anyway, going to work will be comparatively relaxing.
I keep getting random waves of tears. They come and go pretty quickly without necessarily being set off by anything in particular. I'm also finding that anything even vaguely stressful or unstraightforward sets me off. I cried the other day because we were so blooming busy it was proving impossible to find a time when the community midwife could come round!
Still, it's a week on and I think we've been getting through it.
Cremegg can't believe you were one of the ones that had to come back for a double dose. We were so scared that was going to happen to us. Must have been really tough.
x

Just a quick one, flower love the scan "go home and have sex" !! V handy!
Gerts, sounds to me like ur in need of a rest, make sure u do. And if ur not ready for work, don't do it! (luckily I didn't have to go home for the break between pills, hospital was great)
Mrsb glad it's goin better, fingers crossed for less drama
Had first accu. Seems relaxing, hopin will sort mad cycles!
Sorry for no bold, on dhs mob! Xx

Hello ladies,

Its been very quiet in here, which I hope means you're all ok?

I'm doing fine at the moment, busying myself with xmas preparations and work and trying not to think too much of what might have been.

How are you all?

x

Hi all. I've started this post so many times but just need to put it down in words even if no-one reads it. I had a termination two weeks ago and am struggling to cope with the decision.
We have a 3 yr old son and having had a mc in 2010 at 12wks we were thrilled to have another chance. At 20 weeks they found heart problems which consultant was confident they could manage. As she was quite small they started doing regular growth scans. At 33 weeks the scan showed large amounts of fluid on the brain, baby's head shape altering, stomach and bowel issues, growth slowing even more and a very grim prognosis overall. We both agreed that it would be kinder to her to let her go now rather than put her through pain and suffering for however long we would have her. And it's still what we feel after having had her and held her but I can't stop thinking "what if". The guilt I feel at making the decision is tearing me apart due to my Christian upbringing. I haven't told anyone that it was our decision in the end and feel that I don't deserve their sympathy given that we did make that choice albeit one that we felt spared her pain. Having talked it through with my
Midwife after we lost her she said baby seemed frail and maybe the issues we saw on that scan was her system starting to close down. However until we have postmortem results in 3 months we don't know and my head is all over the place.

Chunky

hi Chunkeymonkey. i'm so so sorry to read about the recent loss of your DD. i can completely understand your feelings about knowing your did the right thing for her - but still wondering 'what if' - i think it is only natural to feel this way.

just two weeks along from your loss, your emotions are still very raw, and as you were so far along with your pregnancy i imagine the hormones, and other post-pregnancy feelings are raging inside you at the moment. i for one think you have made an incredibly brave and unselfish decision, taking away the suffering from your little girl, and carrying that pain yourself.

i had a termination for different reasons back in March this year and while it does get easier over time, (which i know is a cliche) i still think about my little girl every day. what i can say though is that although i still do often have my 'what if' moments, i too know in my heart of hearts that we made the right decision for her and took any pain and suffering she may have endured away from her.

you have come to the right place to talk about this if you wish to, and well done on making the first step to posting about your experience. there are many of us on here at different stages of our loss - some more recent and some 'oldies' who still come back and offer their support. remember that every feeling and emotion you have is perfectly natural - i remember having a giggle once with one of my DS's not long after my loss and feeling really guilty about it - but you shouldn't - just take each day at a time and some days there will be many tears, some days fewer.

if it helps i chose very carefully who i told about our decision to teminate. some people i knew i felt wouldn't understand so we said we had a late loss, while others were more supportive and know the whole of our story.

the ladies on here are wonderful and i'm sure will be along shortly to offer the same support that i received back in March

thinking of you, and if you need to vent at all - we're always here to listen xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Chunky - well done for posting. I'm so sorry to hear what you're coping with. Wether its a one off for you or you choose to chat here you'll find it does help to put your feelings down and get them out in the open.

Please, please stop feeling guilty. Everyone who posts here has been through the same scenario (termination of a pregnancy) each with their own story and reasons behind their decision. There is no reason 'better' than any other - its a personal and deeply emotional decision to have to make. My partner and i terminated because of DS and a heart condition. The thing to remember, i have learned, is what joins us all together here is that we all had to make that agonising decision to end a pregnancy and do what we thought was best. And we have gone through it and are healing and learning to live with our feelings afterwards. There will be many thoughts and feeling running through your mind - but i can honestly say that what ever they may be, you can be sure you're not going to be alone thinking or feeling that thing and that someone here is having/has had the same thing. Thats part of the wonderful suppport here.

Massive, massive ((hugs)) to you my lovely. Be kind to yourself and know that there are lots of ladies here who can hold your hand. As MrsB above says - its fine to be selective about what to tell whom. I always now say we 'lost' the baby if i want to mention it. Many people know the truth however.

to everyone. How is everybody? Hope all your xmas preparations are going well! xxx

Thankyou both for your kindness. I am holding up well for my ds sake but struggle a bit when on my own. Dh very quiet. It's good to have this outlet amongst ladies who have been through this or are going through it x

Hi ladies, sorry for jumping in.

Have started my own thread this morning as we just got the results from the cvs that our baby has downs. Devestated just does not seem strong enough a word

We will be having a termination, I'm scared and don't know what to expect. I feel so shallow worrying about how I will cope when it's my choice to do this.

I'm 13+1 going by last period but 14+1 going by the scan, have been told I can't have a surgical termination and I would really like some advice about what to expect from a medical termination.

ifrustrated welcome to the thread and so very sorry to hear that you're having to go through this. Please be assured this is a great place to ask everything you want to and and share your feelings if it helps you to do so. Please, please don't feel bad about worrying about yourself, you are the one that is going through this and its natural to be scared.

I had a medical termination for downs back in August, I was 16 weeks, and quite honestly the worst part by far was the waiting for the results. I was terrified of giving birth, and considered going privately for a surgical termination. Not sure what changed my mind in the end, but actually the medical route was ok. The pain was only bad for an hour or so and I think going through it helped me to let go emotionally too. The hospital was very good and respected our wishes, and DH was able to stay thoughout.

Ask all you want on here, we're all happy to share our experiences and help you with anything you need.

Chunkymonkey thank you for sharing your story with us here, I hope it has helped you in some way. Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal and everything is still so fresh in your mind. I too felt very guilty and we have told almost no-one the truth, and like you felt it hard to accept people's sympathy because we didn't feel we deserved it. A few months on it does get easier, and you did what you did for all the right reasons and out of love. It will get easier, I promise. Please do keep posting on here, the ladies are so lovely and have helped me through a lot already.

Hi everyone

My story is at nearly 19 weeks I felt my amniotic sac which had started to come through the cervix, at hospital I was told I was around 2cm. 5 hours later I finally saw a consultant who said I was now 5 cm and there was nothing they could do.

The next day my consultant decided even though there was only a slim chance of it working by this point we could try placing a stitch in the cervix. He also diagnosed incompetant cervix, probably caused by the cord prolapse i suffered 7 months before. Unfortunately it failed and had to be taken out the next day which caused my waters to break. It was explained to use that without fluid the babys lungs probably wouldnt develope properly. A few days later I was aloud home, where I stayed until I realised that I could feel the babies toes at the tip of my cervix.

My cervix had completely closed around the baby's feet and it was at this point we agreed to the induction and I was put on a drip. The drip didn't work and in the end I was given tablets to open my cervix. My son died just before he was born ( We knew that the tablets would probably cause his heart to stop) at 20 weeks.

This happened 10 weeks ago and I just have so many feelings of guilt. The hospital have forgotten about me and I need to phone them to arrange a PN appointment, they were supposed to send out an appointment 5 weeks ago.

I'm worried what they are going to tell me about future pg, I also suffer from pre term premature rupture of membranes. Ds3 was born at 32 weeks due to this by emcs after the cord prolapsed. We knew there was a risk of this as he was transverse.

I know that if I become pg again I will need a stitch but that it will have to be taken out if the waters break , which could leave me susceptible to another cord prolapse . I was due a cs as ds3 was transverse but when labour started the mw wanted to wait rather than call a doctor. An hour later the cord prolapsed. The consultant believes my ic was caused by the cord prolapse.

I'm just so angry with myself and the mw for not listening to me. Sorry for long rant x

Hi chunky, ifrustrated and moomins, I'm so sorry to hear of your losses. I hope this thread is helpful.

Something someone said which helped me with the decision making process was that we suffer so our babies don't have to. We had a tfmr in October after the 20 weeks scan showed heart and lung problems and a missing section of brain. The postmortem results came through this week confirming this and that was a great relief. We have been referred back to the geneticist though as they don't yet know what kind of syndrome our son had (initial cvs was clear). As we'd known things were wrong since 11 weeks I hadn't told many people about the pregnancy and that cushioned us a bit. The ones who I thought would judge or wouldn't cope with it I told that we'd lost the baby, like misty.

Re medical vs surgical, I couldn't have surgical except privately and the hospital midwives warned me against this so late one so I had a medical termination. As it was 21 weeks I had an injection to stop the baby's heart, and this was by far the worst part of the process, especially as it couldn't take place in our hospital, we had to go to a bigger one before returning to ours for the delivery. However in the end I'm glad I had the baby and saw and held him before he was sent for his postmortem as it has helped us to grieve. The hospital were going to cremate him but we actually decided a few weeks ago to have a very simple burial and a small headstone we can visit in our local cemetary, which is very calm and peaceful. For several weeks I thought I wouldn't be able to go to the cremation/funeral but now I feel like I need to to give myself some closure somehow. However everyone's decisions are personal and you have to do the best thing for you and your family.

chunky, yesterday we spoke to our hospital chaplain, who was quite supportive, perhaps this would be an option for you?

Have to go, ds1 is yelling for me! xxx

I'm not coping at all just now.

I know I am making the right decision for my family but I keep on thinking that at this stage my baby "only" had ds. We don't know to what extent the health problems will be but i also know I could not carry on like this till 16/20 weeks then have to make this desision again.

I also know I could not allow my dc to love this baby and not know if we would have him/her with us for long

A few things I am really struggling with is I will be 14+2 tomorrow when I have the termination, do people recommend I see the baby? Will it look like a baby iykwim this is really making me ill as I will only get one chance.

Also will they be able to tell my babies sex? I was told we could find out when the 2nd lot of cvs results come back but since we found out about the ds at the first lot of results I'm not sure if this still stands.

ifrustrated, my heart really goes out to you. I think a termination for down syndrome is particularly hard. You know that your baby could live. What you don't know is what sort of life your baby might have. I have found myself even a bit envious of people who've terminated for conditions incompatible with life because (so it seemed to me) their decision was more clear-cut. You will face judgement (here on MN particularly, probably less so in real life) because there is a pervasive view that children with ds are like all other children, just a 'bit slow' and they always have happy and sunny personalities. I had a friend with a child with ds so I knew that that was only one possible outcome - there are many others. I knew that my child would not be a baby forever, but possibly one day an adult and I was afraid that my child would eventually end up being cared for by the state which was a chilling prospect.

I think you will know whether you want to see the baby or not - people here have decided either way. And the sex should be available from the full cvs (the initial result only looks at a few chromosomes). We initially didn't want to find out - it was a way of distancing ourselves from what we were going through. We did find out inadvertently and in the end I'm glad we did. it helped me feel like I knew my baby a bit better.