Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate 7

[mrsbigz]

May this thread continue to offer support and friendship to all who have found ourselves knocking at its door. May the door stay firmly wedged open - to be a comfort to those who have recently lost a little one, and welcoming back those who have longer memories of their loss. May the tea always be brewing and the millionaire shortbreads always freshly baked.

And may our all little ones find each other in a magical place, where they can run, laugh and play together with no boundaries

Endo
Thanks for the support and sorry you are having a difficult time. I think my ttc obsession is made worse by the big old ticking biological clock, and all the fertility doom stories I have read. I'm soon to be 36 and hubby is 45, I need to start looking for a few more positives or start looking at things differently instead of if only I was 10 years younger!
As with all drugs there are side effects of clomoid, havent noticed any yet main ones are menaposal symptoms and tearfullness and irritablity, thats me when I get my period anyway! and there is an increased chance of twins, we have taken the view that 2 babies is better than none on that one.
If anything they are a added pressure to the ttc, thinking it has to work, hubby is realy feeling the pressure to make it work.

big hug flower x

Thanks flower. I think I'm just over emotional as AF is here yet again and I'm sure things will look brighter after the weekend.

Oh and I've changed my name to mark the fact that we've moved :)

I know what you mean about all the fertility doom stories. It makes it so hard to be positive and try and enjoy the whole experience of ttc as there's always that nagging doubt in the back of your mind. I'm almost the last one of all my friends to be without children now :(

BUT I'm sure the clomoid will work for you. Imagine if you did get a bumper crop of babies all in one go! I reckon that would be great! Get it all over and done with!!!

Good luck with everything and fingers crossed for your first scan. Keep us updated.

Hugs to everyone else.

xxxxxxxx

Hello lovlies xxx

I'm sorry i dont post much - i do still read the thread and am crossing my fingers (and eyes and everything!) for each of you.

Huge sympathies to Endo for being at odds with OH on TTC. Thats a difficult place to be for sure. I had that worry myself a couple of weeks ago. Thankfully after a long overdue heart to heart it turned out my OH was still very keen to try - he was just very down. Due date misery kicking in i think .... Its very hard, but try to keep the communications open between the two of you - striking a ballence between that and feeling like you're 'nagging' is tricky i know.

Does anyone else find their OH's expect to be informed about whats going on cycle wise, and expect to be kept in the loop etc, but dont seem want to actually sit and listen/discuss it? Post-it-Notes around the house maybe?

"Honey - i should ovulate tomorrow. But temps are still down at the mo. Shall we tonight? What d'y'think?" .... Stuck on the fridge door? No? lol

I've been very up and down lately tbh. DPO 8 today. Temperature dip yestrday, big rise today. Feeling a bit crampy and bloated, but i think thats all only becasue i ate alot of home made bread rolls yesterday. On a more positive note OH and i are going to see an accupuncturist specialising in fertility together tomorrow morning. I've read great things about it boosting blood supply to the ovaries and improving egg quality/implantation etc. If all it does is relax me then it'll be worth it :)

Love and hugs to all as always girls, chins up xxxx

Hi Ladies, sorry haven't been on here for a week or so, was quite sad last weekend then went down with horrible cold/virus thing and just surfacing. Thanks Endo, yes am more or less ok with babies unless they look really newborn in which case they remind me of ds2 too much. Baby clothes shops are a different matter though, for some reason. The other thing that irritates me is media stuff about pregnancy (eg guardian family, trashy magazines) where somehow each report of a pregnant person assumes that once they're pregnant that's it, they will have a perfect healthy child and that no other possible outcome exists. I guess most people do, I don't know but having gone through all this stuff and read the arc booklets etc it does seem that a lot of us do have a sad time but it's sort of brushed under the carpet by the media/baby industry. Sorry rant over!

I hope everyone is getting on ok, Lily I'm glad your hospital stuff went well. MrsB- fingers crossed for your baby. Misty- acupuncture has helped me with lots of stuff recently and in my first pregnancy, I hope it's useful for you too. Flower I know what you mean re age and ttc (can't yet even if I wanted to as no af and waiting for postmortem/genetic results) as I'm 36 next year and dh is 48. Hi to everyone else and sympathy re all the Christmas stuff....

Hi ladies

purcel i know what you mean about the 'rose tinted' effect around pregnancy in the media. The media image of glowing cheeks and wholesome happy couples in huge fabulous houses with their perfect pregnancies all the time leaves me a bit too. Maybe this is partly why its such a bloody horrible shock when things do go wrong......

Just thought i'd tell how accupuncture went in case anyones interested and wondering .... (i mean that nicely - lol)

The guy was wonderfull. He's a specialist in fertility treatment (with accu.) but is also a qualified psychotherapist and counceller in grief. He was gentle but probing on our thoughts about ttc and our loss. He asked a million and one questions - we were there for 2 hours altogether. Some obvious health ones like periods and medical history and other off the wall stuff like how we both tend to drink - sip or slurp (?) and how OH's testicles respond to cold wind (!).

I had needles placed in ankles, knees wrists and one low in my tum. He said no good accupuncturist would place needles anywhere else in the pelvic region during the luteal phase. He set light to the ones in my knees and burned herbs over my tum. I loved it all! I felt warm and peaceful. I felt a dull popping sensation in my womb area like pop corn going off. And a warmth around the needle.

On the jurney home in the car i felt so relaxed and serene i could have pulled over and had a nap right at the side of the road! The 'light' feeling lasted all day.

Going back on Saturday. Think i'll need it as i'm due on this Friday ..... sigh.

Love and hugs xxx

Yes "glowing cheeks and wholesome happy couples..." is an excellent description.

Glad to hear about your acupuncture, I love it too. Sounds like you found a really good practicioner. The burning stuff is really weird isn't it?!

xx

Hi misty good to hear from you, was thinking about you and how the acupuncture would go. I've heard lots of really good things about it. I'm glad it was a realy positive experience for you.
lots of love x

Hi all,
Sadly am joining the ranks. Found out that our baby girl only had part of a heart last week. I'm at 22 weeks and yesterday they stopped her heart and tomorrow my partner and I go into hospital to deliver her.
I had an early miscarriage earlier this year which I was quite sanguine about, but really thought that this time we were out of the woods. We passed the magic "12 weeks" barrier and the prevailing feeling in the media and around and about seems to be that it's plain sailing from there. No-one really prepares you for the shock of being told that something is seriously wrong at 20 weeks. (I know it's all there on the leaflets - it just never seemed like a real possibility though...)
Anyway, so tomorrow will be my first labour and I'm bricking it. I'm exhausted already and very sad.
Just really really hope that it's not massively drawn out. I think I can deal with it being really painful, but I just want to be out of that hospital as soon as I can.
Also, even at this late stage, my partner and I really have no idea whether we want to see our baby or not. He is veering towards not but is worried that he won't have closure. I keep changing my mind. How did other people decide?
Sigh. It's grim this.

hi gertlushgirl,
I was hoping someone better able to advise you would come along, but I didnt want your post to go unanswered.
Firstly im sorry you find yourself here, my heart goes out to you. I had my termination at 13 weeks so took the surgical route, and have since regreted that because i feel i failed her by not giving birth to her and because i didnt get to see her. I have been on this thread for over a year now and know of many peoples stories, several people have not wanted to see their babies and it is a very personal decision, you have to do what feels right for you and your partner, but those who have seen their babies have spoken about how it helped them to see them, hold them, give them toys/blankets, take photos, foot and hand prints and have time to say goodbye.
thinking of you and sending you lots of love and hugs xx

gertlushgirl i'm so sorry you've found yourself on this thread :( it is a wonderful supportive thread and the women here are amazing, but at the same time it's a place you hope you never have to end up for obvious reasons. we ended our pregnancy back in March - for different reasons to you, but heart problems were a factor, and our little girl was born at 17wks. I do have 2 boys already so had been through labour twice before but had never been induced before, so was scared about that, and of course moreso about giving birth to a baby who would not be living and coming home with us.
DH and i went backwards and forwards about whether or not to see her or not before she was born, but actually - when she did arrive, we both changed our minds and were certain that we did want to see her - and are still very glad we did. it is a very personal decision though and one only you and your dh can make. we also had the hospital take hand and footprints, and a photo for us. I'm still not emotionally able to look at the photo - but like the thought that one day i may be able to see my little baby again and remember what she looked like.
the hand/footprints, i wear in a heartshaped locket that my dh bought me soon after she was born, and i never take it off, so feel she is always near me. we were offered a burial through the hospital and we also took that, it was a joint service with other bereaved parents (of babies born before 24 weeks) but the actually burial was just me and dh - and is in the childrens area of a local cemetary - very beautiful and peaceful. we also planted a cherry tree in her memory, and hope that next year when it blossoms in the spring it will be another reminder of her little life.

the actual birth didn't take too long for me - i went into hospital at 14:30, was given the first picotin at 16:00 (although on the labour ward we had a private room and all the nurses/MWs were absolutely lovely!) and Eve was born at 20:52. it was painful, i have to admit that i didn't initially want to take any drugs, but eventually i gave in and had diamorphine which helped with the pain (i wish i'd taken it earlier actually!). we were able to leave the hospital around 11:30pm (once i'd been checked over) and i was glad to get back home, but we did get to spend some time with Eve on our own before we left. it wasn't nice leaving her in the hospital though, but i think the diamorphine 'helped' that evening at least.

sorry - have realised i've been rambling and you may not have wanted all this information. i will be thinking of you tomorrow and praying it is a peaceful experience for you - if you have any questions then please feel free to ask. sending you lots of love and strength xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Gertlushgirl. I'm so sorry that you've had to join us here but I'll echo Mrsbigz in that the thread is a wonderfully supportive place and it's helped me through some of my darkest moments.

We were induced at 17 wks back in August as our little girl Cora had fatal Turner's Syndrome. Like you it was my first labour (previous ectopic) and I was so scared about what would happen. I took a little longer to deliver Cora so I would recommend taking lots of magazines and snacks to keep you going just in case. They can offer you strong pain medication so that will really help and i recommend taking it!! I also found that the delivery part which I was dreading the most was actually really quick.

We didn't think we would want to see Cora but actually once she had been delivered I found I really wanted to say hello/goodbye to her. Even my DH agreed and we kept it short and sweet with no pictures. The chaplain was amazing (we're not massively religious) and he organised a private cremation for us and also some hand and foot prints. We've still got her ashes with us as we're waiting to find the perfect place to scatter them.

I hope the above helps a bit. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and please do let us know how you get on and ask any questions you like no matter how silly or personal they may seem.

Tons and tons of love and massive hugs

xxxxxxx

PS I was previously Endogirl incase anyone is confused!!!

Gertlushgirl, I am so very sorry to read your news. As others have already said, this thread is a good place to ask questions and also to find support from people who understand what you are going through.

I had a termination for T21 at 17 weeks, back in August. It was my first labour too, and that was what really scared me. In actual fact the labour really wasn't that bad. I went in at 9am for the first tablets, and things started around 1pm, just a few cramps, no worse than period pain. My waters broke about 4ish and it was all over by 5.30 and we were home about 9pm. The pain was only really bad for about 20 mins and I had nothing stronger than paracetamol (threw up the oral morphine, and they couldn't persuade me to lie down again for the injection!).

I hope everything goes as well as it can for you and your partner today and that you are home soon x

Hello ladies,

Thanks for the good wishes and sorry I haven't been back on here recently. I was intended to have a couple of days off after the op, but ended up going back into work next day and I don't feel like I've stopped since. Anyway, good news here really in that the results confirmed retained products rather than anything more sinister and we now have the green light to start ttc whenever we feel ready.....so we have started. Last time I was on clomiphene and bromocriptine, but I'm giving it a go without until we get an appt to see the consultant again for another prescription.

Endo/Wombled - love the new name! How are things with you? It must be hard if DH is in a different place to you as far as TTC again goes. Be strong and care for each other and I'm sure he'll come around again soon. The fact that you're talking about it is really good. Feel free to rant on here all you like. I think we've all been there. Mine only came round to the idea yesterday when I explained that medically there was no reason to wait anymore and I just want to catch up again as we're now 2 1/2 years on.

Blacktreaclecat I almost missed your announcement - I'm so, so, so pleased for you and wish you an amazingly uneventful nine months! How are things going so far?

MrsBigz sorry to read that you're having a tough time of it, I do hope you're ok. Do you have more information now?

Misty the acupuncture sounds wonderful, do you think it made a difference going to a specialist fertility accupuncturist? Interesting that he is also a counsellor, I think that would make for a very good combination. I don't think DH would agree to come with me.

Purcelfan I know exactly what you mean about the media, I know people don't want to read doom and gloom, but they should read the reality, because it makes it easier when you know it could happen and that you're not alone if it does. People just don't know how to react to it when they're told because its never talked about. Did you come to any decision about going to the service? Its a very personal choice and the only think I can say is that if you go with your gut instinct you'll have made a good decision for you, as there's no right or wrong answer to this one.

Flower how is the clomid going? Any side effects? I found taking it in the evening helped to minimise the side effects, as they generally happened while I was asleep. It did the trick for me though, and I got pg within 3 months on clomid, it was the first time I'd ever had regular 28 day cycles.

Shalo2 are you doing ok?

Sorry for the epic catch up, and sorry if I've missed anyone out will try to get on here more often x

Hi Gertlushgirl, so sorry to hear that you're joining us here. I hope that things go as well as they can today for you.

I had a tfmr at 21 weeks in early Oct, so similar stage to you. It was my second labour but like MrsBigz I hadn't been induced before so was worried about that. In the event the pain was not too terrible apart from at the end, though I was very sick from the drugs and from taking the first misoprostl (I think it was that, get confused on tablet names!) at 3 ds2 was born at 2.17am. I didn't want the morphine as I thought they would let me out earlier without it, though in the end it was hard to leave as we were leaving our baby. We knew we wanted to see ds and actually it really helped. We spent some time with him while the chaplain blessed him in the early hours and then after sleeping we asked for him to be brought back so we could say goodbye and take photos when we woke up. We left hospital about 10am. The bereavement midwife was great and gave us photos and hand/prints. She also dressed him in some little clothes and put him in a basket so initially we could hold him in the basket and then without it when we felt ready. I didn't like the clothes thing so asked for them to be removed but I believe it helps some people. The photos are now really precious to us as a memory. I think seeing and holding our baby helped me to accept the situation more, but you don't need to decide till the end. Our hospital would have kept the photos and footprints for us incase we changed our minds later on. We are now waiting for postmortem results and then plan to let the hospital cremate him but we will plant a tree somewhere.

Have you been in touch with ARC? Their phone line and forum are really helpful in the weeks afterwards too. Sending you virtual hugs for today.... x

Lily just saw your post. I'm going to wait till after I've seen the consultant for the pm results to decide totally but I think I will go to the service, but see if my mum can come with us, although don't even have a date for it yet so no idea if that will be possible. It's because my last memory of ds is holding him that going to the service seems so final and means I have to accept he's really gone but that's probably a good thing to accept so maybe it will help.

Hugs to everyone else here x

Thanks for the kind words Lily and Purcellfan. We're just about to go in now. Am still a bit scared, but my brain has really switched off emotionally today, so at least I feel like I can get through it.

We still don't know what we're going to do at the end of it re seeing our baby. I think we'll just go with how we feel. I would definitely like to keep a handprint from our little girl, so I can frame it and keep her memory with us, but any more than that I don't know. Sometimes I think things you don't see haunt you less than things you do - but I may feel very differently after the birth. Anyway, it helps knowing we're not the first to face this, not that I'd wish it on anyone else, but i'm sure you know what I mean.
See you on the other side...
x

Oh and purcellfan thanks for the ANC recommendation. I actually work near their offices so I popped in last week and picked up their handbook for parents which was amazing.

ANC?! African National Congress?! Not sure they would have been much use... I meant ARC of course. Fried brain...

Good luck, Gertlushgirl, will be thinking of you. We chose not to know the sex or to see our baby, for exactly the reason you say, and we both felt very strongly that it was right for us and the nurses respected that. Its a very personal choice though, so do whatever feels natural at the time. x

gertlushgirl just wanted to drop in and see how you're doing (not that i expect a response at the moment!!) but just wanted you to know that i and the rest of this thread i expect are all thinking of you today - i hope it goes peacefully for you and you make the decisions regarding your little girl that are right for you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Gertlushgirl I'm so sorry. Thinking of you.
I'm not much help as I had surgical at 13 weeks. We don't know the sex and haven't named, had a funeral or anything. I have an angel charm on my pandora bracelet that my mum gave me on my due date.
I'm 7+1 and it has been a very scary week. On Saturday started bleeding- convinced it was over. Spent Sunday in tears. Monday went to epu and saw a heartbeat. Then on Tuesday at work started bleeding again!
Wednesday we had an appt with fetal medicine anyway. She did an internal scan and there was blob strong hb measuring exactly right for dates. This is reassuring as with ivf dates can't be wrong. She was lovely and wants to see us in 2 weeks and I'm not to go to work until then! So I'm resting. The bleeding seems to have settled for now thank goodness. Ms starting to kick in
Lily I'm glad you are now on the mend
Flower fingers crossed for clomid
Hi misty, wombled and everyone else
Love to all.

Blacktreaclecat that sounds terrifying, hope you are resting up and taking comfort from the scans.

OH treacle sorry you have had such a scary time. Hope you have a restful, uneventful 2 weeks
love and hugs x

Hi all,
Am back home now. Wow... that was full on!
Got to the hospital at 1.30pm and they were super busy, so I didn't get any meds to kickstart the labour until 4.30pm and my partner and I were a bit crestfallen because we knew then we would be in for a long night and a stopover. (We'd both been secretly hoping we could start in the morning and go home at night). It took a couple of pills to get going and then it wasn't too painful at first - just like bad period pains. But later - oh my days - I was out of it for about half an hour in a whole planet of pain. Then the morphine arrived which kept the pain at bay for a while. They say that being induced can make it more painful than normal. I hope that's the case... I'd really like to think that one day I'll have a natural birth with a healthy little one to show for it and it will be more bearable. But even with morphine it got very painful again from about midnight.
We had a panic then because the contractions completely stopped for an hour. We even turned the lights off and tried to sleep for a bit. The midwife had explained to us that some people never kick off full labour even after 5 pessaries and when that happens they stop the meds, wait 24 hours and try again. I can't imagine what that must be like. Luckily at 1am the contractions booted off again and I had one more pessary at 2.30am. After a very painful hour and a half even with morphine, the baby came just when the midwife had nipped out to get something. It was a difficult moment because both of us had decided that we didn't want to see the baby straightaway, but with no midwife in the room my partner wanted to check everything was alright, so he looked and actually felt fine about it.
Anyway, it was such a completely absorbing physical process, neither of us had time to really feel anything emotionally and by the end we were too tired and relieved to feel grief. Today is no different. Just feel calm and grateful to have got through it.
My partner saw the baby and said goodbye to her today. I decided not to. He said he felt he had to or he'd always regret it and felt it gave him closure. I decided that I wanted to remember her as the little girl in the scan who was bounding around inside my womb, and as the little growing person inside of me, and felt that if I saw her that those precious memories might change in some way. I fully support my partner for his decision though, and anyone else who felt the same.
Anyway, this is a really long post - I hope that's OK. Just wanted to share some of the experience. I guess the emotional repercussions will come soon...
Thanks for the support and thanks Lily for what you said about the choice.
Blacktreaclecat sorry to read about your situation my - heart goes out to you. Hope that the scare is just a scare and that all is OK.

x

Gertlushgirl, I'm pleased you are home again now and the whole physical process is over. How are you and your partner today? Calmness is exactly what I felt too, the waiting was the hardest part, during and after was a big relief in a way. I found the hardest part about 2-5 days afterwards, then the emotional pain lessens a little each day. Three months on and generally I am ok though it's something I will never forget and still think about each day. Do be prepared for all kinds of emotions and just let them carry you along and go with it. Anything is normal for the next few weeks and months, and you will both need time to head, emotionally as well as physically. Talking on here about what happened and what happens from here onwards really does help. Stay on this thread if it helps you, we understand what you've been through and are all happy to help you though these difficult times - rant, cry, moan, worry, we're here for you. x