Visitors after birth

[FortunateHamster]

How do you handle them?

I'm not the most social of people but am resigned to parents and in-laws descending on us after I give birth (due next Tues, but I think he'll be late!). I'm hoping, however, that I can get away with them not visiting at the hospital (unless I end up with c-section and am there for days) - is that mean?

In this case the in-laws should hopefully be a bit easier to deal with as they live an hour away, whereas my parents are at the other end of the country, so they're booking into a hotel near us when the baby arrives and have said they'll pop in 'every day' for that week.

Don't get me wrong, I totally understand the grandparents wanting to see the little 'un - I'm just after advice on how to handle them, especially when I'll be emotional, this is my first child, and I'll probably be a bit insecure and will want to try to breastfeed etc without everyone watching. What are good coping techniques?

One 'eeeeek' moment was when my mum casually mentioned she'd actually booked two weeks off work - the second week to stay with me (in our house) on her own (ie my dad will just drop her off). I know this sounds lovely and a few people have said I'll need the help, which I'm sure I'll appreciate at the time. But I'm still unconvinced I can live in the same house as a parental unit without getting a bit angry teenager :D.

Fortunately she's agreed to come after DH has gone back to work - it was really important for me to have that time on our own (apart from the day visitors mentioned above), to make our own mistakes and just bond as a family.

Hope I seem reasonable in what I've agreed to, and also that I have the mental strength to cope with visitors when I might just want to curl up into a ball.

Am interested in other people's tales of visitors in the weeks just after birth.

Im not due til November and have similar worries.

But my Sister has recently been through it.

Just remember, no one is a mind reader so they wont know how you are feeling unless you talk to them.

My sister spoke to everyone before the birth and just calm-ly explained that time alone with bubba was majorly important to her. She totally banned all extended family for the first 2 weeks. Only the grandparents allowed and even then, at her discression!

Everyone knew she was very serious about it and people were great at respecting her wishes.

Well I actually found hospital visits easier - no-one stays long in a hospital, they get to cuddle the baby and then go. At home you feel you have to offer cuos of tea, and actually be up and dressed, etc.

I was very greatful for the help after having DS. Mum and MIL stayed for about 4 days each in weeks 3 and 4.

I'm with you Fortunate Hamster. I just want to be left alone!

Hospital here specifies a set time for family visiting and time for partners & other children. I think it's quite good otherwise I'd never get rid of my Mam

We live a fair way from all our family and I was very strict with them!

No one was visiting at all until a week after the birth.

My parents then came first, stayed locally for a week and visited every day - they were great and bought food from local delis etc on their way over every day.

In laws then visited at weekends after that. MiL stayed with us for a few days and was actually brilliant - DS was hard to settle after waking at night and she volunteered to do that for us. He would wake, I would feed and change him, then she would cuddle and soothe him in her room while I went back to sleep. Once he was asleep she crept into our room and placed him back in his cot!

I'm still very glad we banned people from being there that first week though. I didn't get dressed for most of it, and we had midwives coming round wanting to examine my stitches, and helping with breastfeeding as DS wouldn't latch. I spent a lot of the week sitting topless on the sofa!

most hospitals do have visiting policies, in our hospital visiting for non-partners was restricted.

Tbh I was glad that visitors came to the hospital because it meant they then left us alone for the first few days (apart from my parents but they weren't actually too intrusive, just came round for an hour in the evenings and my mum came round and drove us some places and took me to drs when I became anaemic).

I actually think that banning all extended family is totally unreasonable and a bit actually as it's a new member of the family and they too should be allowed to be excited and want to meet them. Although I guess it would depend on how intrusive the extended family can be.

My sil is expecting twins in dec and I would be totally sad if they banned any visits, although I wouldn't say anything obviously, but we wouldn't be visiting to intrude and I wouldn't be expecting them to make cups of tea - would be happy to make cups of tea for them in fact!

Thanks for all the posts - it's great to hear all views.

It's too late for us to ban visitors for the first week, but hopefully they will respect when we want them to come and how long they can stay. I know I get ratty when I'm tired and am wary of trying to manage breastfeeding and guests at the same time (and hadn't thought of the midwife visits too!).

I've already warned my parents that I will tell them when it's too much for me so am hoping that will work out okay.

I think it can be a bit more difficult with in-laws. I feel like I could say anything within reason to my parents (!) and we'd get over it, but am not sure how I'd feel about doing the same with in-laws. Maybe that's where DH will come in handy.

FIL and SIL smoke, too. DH told them when they were here the other day that they wouldn't be able to handle the baby after smoking and they sort of got offended as if we were silly for not thinking they knew that already. DH tried expanding and saying we'd been advised that people should wash/change and wait a while before handling after a smoke but I don't think they took it in. Sigh.

It's quite political this baby-making business isn't it? :D

btw we haven't banned anyone for any amount of time yet - I don't think we'll get many visitors outside of immediate family anyway and if we do they should be short-term things. Am more concerned about family coming every day and hanging about for hours while I'm trying to sleep!

I feel your pain and feel slightly anxious about this too.

Think it helps to pre warn people to set expectations and make your DH the 'gate keeper' he can explain when you are not feeling up to visitors.

I am 37 weeks too and need to have conversations with my folks and DH his folks!

I really wanted to be left alone as well. The best advice someone gave me was to be absolutely brutal about giving visitors tasks to do. They always say they're coming to 'help' and then end up sitting on the sofa drinking endless cups of tea and eating biscuits while you struggle to put washing out, cook dinner, tidy up etc etc. When they arrive they get half an hour's grace to coo over the baby and have a cup of tea. Then just say - "I'm SO glad you're here to help, would you mind putting the washing out while I feed him/her?" "Thanks so much for doing that - I'd love a cup of tea if you've got a minute." And so on.

They either get the hint and leave, or they muck in. And if they muck in then they're useful and very welcome!

The other thing is, if you want some peace to breastfeed go upstairs and LOCK THE DOOR. I have had people follow me into the bedroom while I'm trying to feed to 'keep me company'. I DON'T WANT COMPANY!!

ah fortunately my extended family were considerate and used to call before visiting.

I'm battling with this too. We live a good 4-hour flight away from both my mother and MIL. My mum is coming to stay for three weeks just after I give birth, (I'm a bit about the length of the stay, but I could use the help), then I get a week off and my MIL is coming to stay .

My DH is adamant that his mother must stay for the same length of time as my mother and doesn't understand that the dynamics are totally different. If I'm hormonal and possessive and a moody cow, I can tell my mum to sod off and it'll be ok; can't do that to my MIL. Plus, I'll have to be alone at home with her all the time, and I don't feel all that comfortable around her, we have an agreeable, polite relationship rather than a close one IYSWIM.

But given the distances involved, I don't see how I can get out of any of it - they are the grandmothers and I suppose I'll just have to grin and bear it.

You need to be honest. I have similar issues with my MIL so we pre-empeted this several months ago by my OH telling her that we are not having anyone to stay with us for the first three months after the baby is born. She lives a flight away and had we not done that she would have booked a flight over to stay without even asking first (this has happened to other members of the family!). It helps we have a small apartment. I appreciate it isn't easy as grandparents want to meet their grandchild but you really must be completely honest and do what is right for you. If people want to visit and you are happy to have visitors, then put a time limit on it ? say "pop round for an hour at 4pm, so we can have a chat before the baby gets needs feeding at x" if you're not honest you'll just stress about it?...
Another alternative, which may work if you live somewhere central, is to arrange to meet people for an hour at a coffee shop round the corner, as you can leave then.....and you don't need to have a tidy house/flat!

This issue wound me up a treat last time and I was over the moon when it transpired hospital visiting for everyone but DH was 1 hour in the evening every day. In the end I only stayed in 12 hours, got home at 6pm, rang the parents and inlaws and told them to come that day for half an hour or so and then we didn't see them again for a week which was great. Not eberyones cup of tea but I just wanted them to see the baby and go rather than worry about them ringing up to ask to come etc.

One of my friends lives in NZ, and they generally seem to have quite a sensible approach to visits after brith.

The rules they were advised on and they put out to friends and family were :

Mum and dad do not entertain i.e. visitors if they want a cup of tea make it themselves.

Have set visiting times and people need to stick to them, but have to call before visiting. Visits are limited to a certain length of time.

Nobody can stay overnight (my friend extended this to 16weeks - I was first to get to stay)

Try to leave mum and dad to bond with baby for first 5 days.

If you want to have someone to stay with you to help that is fine, but recommended it is the 2nd week or after dad goes back to work.

I am concerned about this after being inundated the first time around. Due around Christmas too which means DH's entire extended family will descend if we're not careful. My Mum is also a maternity nanny, which you would think would be good, but she has booked two weeks off after the birth when DH will be at home, then a job after that when I could do with the help. Although we have very different views on routine/schedule/leaving to cry etc so her 'helpful advice'/lecturing tends to stress me out. I think I will just need to be firm about setting boundaries - easier with your own family than the in laws, I think.

Oh and smoking, yes horrible. MIL came round to see DD, went outside, lit fag, then as soon as she came in wanted to hold her... we said no, and she got slightly huffy about it Was about the only time DH stood up to her though.

The attention we got after DS was born I found very oppressive! DH (on my instructions!) didn't ring the inlaws to tell them DS had arrived until after I was stitched up, and very well settled back on the ward. They came that evening (and may have been told the wrong times for visiting so their visit was cut short :p ). My Dad brought 2 of my 5 siblings for a quick visit but they didn't stay long. It was going fine until i got home....
Every man, doga nd child decended on my house uninvited! Work colleagues, including people I managed turned up (I was stitched to hell and looked worse!) to "pop in", friends, neighbours- you name it! It was July, hot, and very overwhelming.

My Mum, who was there for the birth, left after i went to the ward and I didn't see her again until a week later when I went/escaped to her house although we were on the phone as she understood the need for space. Put your foot down in advance. I know someone who put a red tape cross on their door (like the plague) and a little note saying "Strictly no entrance, new baby in the house, visits by appointments".

Been thinking about this, and have managed to remove part of the problem off by not having a spare bed!

DH and I have discussed and thankfully he's on side, thinking of planning specific times for visits and (if I'm up to it) visiting people at their place rather than ours.

The hardest part is I hate the idea of other people coming into the house and 'helping' as I'm a bit of a control freak and can't cope with people going through cupboards etc. (sad I know!) so would rather people just have a cup of tea made by DH.

This really stressed me out, having visiters all day, every day for two weeks!
People just turned up as we were about to relax!
I know it's nice that people care, but you just want some quality time with the new family!
I did try to stick with appointments, which seemed to annoy the family, who thought they could just come round whenever.
DH used to say, 'oh come round for tea'. or double book times with my family. I could have killed him!!
This time, I will think of myself, and ask them to leave when I've had enough, and if I'm not up to a visit - tough, they can postpone.
I will not be making and drinks, or food. They will be told to help themselves !!
And if the house is untidy then it stays untidey.
I made the mistake last time, of stressing about it being spotless for visitors! All they want to see is the baby, and hear the horror story of birth. I now know that they don't care if the washing up or dusting is't done.

I was quite firm on things like my parents getting to visit first, and the fact that it was a different dynamic - as far as I was concerned I would be the one who had just gone through childbirth, so I got to call the shots!

Don't get me started on this one! After dc2 was born DH had 2 weeks off and every single day we had someone from the family visiting. We set visiting hours, they ignored it, turned up at dc1's meal and bedtimes, wound him up into a frenzy and left when it suited them. None of them ever ever behave like this normally and we could only conclude that they were feeling they were not getting enough attention.
Don't know what we'll do when dc3 arrives. Fortunately SIL is due the same week and maybe my half of the family can go and bother them instead.

I invited everyone to come and visit at the hospital. It helped that I had a section so I knew I would be there for at least 3 days. The room was small and I was doped up so nobody stayed long. And the house was blissfully quiet afterwards!

I'm lucky that both our parents and all family have been respectful of this since DS was born. Even though he's first grandchild for both.

At hospital visiting for family/friends was an hr afternoon and hr evening so they came then (partners 12-8). He was born early Sunday and when we got home monday afternoon we agreed when they could visit that wk. Between midwife appts, sleeping and eating, registering birth and everything else we kinda worked out a visiting schedule for grandparents and my brother and DP sister.
my friends txt me first and came the wk after as did extended family.

They've always respected our choices and decisions so never had a problem with unannounced visits.

When DD1 was born my dad and PIL came around the day after we got home from the hospital when we had told them not to as we were waiting for the midwife first. PIL then turned up on the doorstep every day for a week, would sit there for hours holding the baby while I got more stressed and BF failed. This time I was firm. No visitors for the first week, if you come round were not answering the door if you phone I'm not answering it. You can text me and I'll get back to you when I can. It was bliss, we all just chilled out got used to having a newborn again and bonded as a family and I didn't feel any resentment towards anyone when we finally had visitors.

I feel the same with my second as I did with my first. I had the embarisment of having my in-laws roll up tp hospital, within half an ahour of me giving birth!!! I was not even out of my labour outfit when I was banbarded. I have been more stricked with my husband this time and have told my inlaws out right. My mum and dad live 2hrs away so they are going to stay with us for two weeks to help look after our 1ds, which I don't mind, its different when its your mum.