Visitors after birth

[FortunateHamster]

How do you handle them?

I'm not the most social of people but am resigned to parents and in-laws descending on us after I give birth (due next Tues, but I think he'll be late!). I'm hoping, however, that I can get away with them not visiting at the hospital (unless I end up with c-section and am there for days) - is that mean?

In this case the in-laws should hopefully be a bit easier to deal with as they live an hour away, whereas my parents are at the other end of the country, so they're booking into a hotel near us when the baby arrives and have said they'll pop in 'every day' for that week.

Don't get me wrong, I totally understand the grandparents wanting to see the little 'un - I'm just after advice on how to handle them, especially when I'll be emotional, this is my first child, and I'll probably be a bit insecure and will want to try to breastfeed etc without everyone watching. What are good coping techniques?

One 'eeeeek' moment was when my mum casually mentioned she'd actually booked two weeks off work - the second week to stay with me (in our house) on her own (ie my dad will just drop her off). I know this sounds lovely and a few people have said I'll need the help, which I'm sure I'll appreciate at the time. But I'm still unconvinced I can live in the same house as a parental unit without getting a bit angry teenager :D.

Fortunately she's agreed to come after DH has gone back to work - it was really important for me to have that time on our own (apart from the day visitors mentioned above), to make our own mistakes and just bond as a family.

Hope I seem reasonable in what I've agreed to, and also that I have the mental strength to cope with visitors when I might just want to curl up into a ball.

Am interested in other people's tales of visitors in the weeks just after birth.

Hamster I second the hospital visits idea, it means that, generally, the number of visitors is limited and the time is limited, leaving you free for the rest of the day.
We were in a for a number of days due to an infection and we had both sets of parents in together, so they spent more time chatting politely to each other than us.
By the time we got home we just ignored the phone and nobody 'dropped by' and quite frankly I would have ignored the door if I were in bed.
Once family have seen your baby then I would say suit yourself and fit round your own sleep needs and the needs of your baby. Be anti-social if necessary and get DH to make the odd 'update' by phone.
Good luck with the birth and congratulations!

On ds MIL came to visit me while I was in labor and strapped to the bed and pushed BIL in the room. She came in after the birth totally monopolized the photos. She was round for visiting the next day. In 6 days she had visited 4 days out of 6. My mum was helpfully living with me and interfering at every available moment. In two weeks I did not have a day without two visitors.

On dd I said no visitors to the hospital, I decided to back down after I had her because I wanted to show my beautiful baby off, big mistake MIL had a temper tantrum because my sister held the baby before her. Refused to leave when I told her I was tired she wanted to take more photos, I had to ask three times before she left.

I said no one was staying so my mum came round to cook me dinner each day and do my cleaning (this was nice) but my little sister (9) kept upsetting ds by refusing to play with him like she normally does and just wanted to hold the baby, which made it unhelpful, because I had too deal with ds crying because no one was playing with him . In two weeks I had one day visitor free SIL came up at 3pm and left at 9.30pm. I recommend deciding what you want and sticking to it and letting peoople know before you give birth.

I didnt like the random visitors I got after first child, e.g. people partner worked with and I didnt know, horrible old drunk uncle that no body liked ect ect. I think these type of visitors are the worst, people that you might not have seen for years and just want a gander at a new baby.
when i has having child two i decided i would only have close friends family visiting and that was much better. An hour after i got out of hospital an old aquantence that i had not seen for a couple of years phoned me and said 'where are you? i've been knocking on your door this afternoon i want to see the baby' so I told her that i had just come home from the hospital and didnt want any visitors for the next couple of weeks and she was welcome to come round then, she never phoned again. she just wanted to see a brand new baby i think and was such a peripheral aquantence, (freind of a friend) it was totally unecessary for her to visit when i was feeling tired and sore!

Not all visitors are bad! My mum came round every day for several weeks after the birth. She always brought sandwiches for our lunch and a casserole for dh & I to have that evening. She also did lots of nappy changes and general helping me with the baby.

MIL was equally useful for the following couple of weeks, so overall it was perfect!

Skeletonbones I had a friend do that she was a close friend but I hadn't seen her for a year she came round 24hours after I had given birth and brought one of her friends and her mum .

IME people do go a bit...odd, Coralanne, after the birth. We all actually trooped into the delivery suite for my SIL about ten minutes after she had given birth - makes me cringe now, but this was way before I had DD so had no idea what it was like.

Visitors are great and it's lovely to show off the baby, but not when they stay for hours, don't give you a seat, expect you to make drinks, and to hand the baby round constantly. I found it incredibly difficult to have MIL and SIL stay all day and evening, and then say helpful things like 'oh she can't be hungry again, she just needs to cry a bit' and having to ask three or four times to hand her back to me to feed. And SIL doesn't have any children so how on earth she would know is anyone's guess.

People can be incredibly dense about taking a hint - I kept saying my father was due to visit to MIL and we were a bit crowded (she'd been over several hours already) but she just sat there, even after I said outright, maybe you wouldn't mind going. Bit hard to know what to do without a confrontation when you're not at your best.

It does sound awful...my family and DH's family are normally fine, but there is something about those supercharged few days after baby is born where emotions are high and it can all get very difficult. Should add, it was only really stressful for the first few days, then it calmed down. This time I am going to ask MIL (once she's cuddled baby) to take DD out r to bring me some shopping etc. I'm more worried about managing my own Mum with her 'expert' status!

With the BF thing, I ended up taking the attitude I would do what I needed to do in front of anyone, including FIL who was very sweet. Most people aren't gawping but will leave the room if uncomfy or talk amongst themselves/suddenly get fixated on the telly. And if they are uncomfortable, you shouldn't be, it's their issue not yours.

Meant to say, diggingforvictory your sounds great! Did you ask her to or did she just bring food/help with nappies etc?

Your Mum sounds great.

I was lucky too like diggingforvictory. I made enough noises beforehand about wanting DH and I to have the new baby to ourselves for a few days and it worked. My mum came round every day to bring food, do the washing up, laundry and any shopping but never outstayed her welcome and seemed to be able to keep herself a bit invisible. MIL always called first to see if it was okay to pop in and friends and extended family did the same.

i read somewhere, or was told maybe, that any one who comes knocking at your front door in the first few weeks only gains entry if they are bringing you a meal, delivering your shopping, taking away your dirty laundry or returning your clean laundry or something equally helpful. And if they know you well enough to be there that soon after you've given birth, then they should know where the tea bags are kept and can make their own cup (and one for you of course) .

I had a couple of days in hospital after DD's birth and was in a couple before too, so by the time I got home I was happy to receive visitors.

I think it depends on how the birth goes. We just said we'd like to get the first afternoon/night to ourselves then people gave us a bell and said is it ok to come over.

I think most people have common sense when it comes to visiting.

Be careful not to be too restrictive though, a close friend of mine had her baby 3 weeks ago and they've still not allowed for visitors. After initial texts saying let us know when you're ready for visitors so as not to be a pain, I now feel awkward asking to visit as no direct contact has been made now since week 2. I'm just sort of waiting and hoping they'll let us meet the baby before she's too big for the outfits I bought!

I understand settling in and some people aren't confident first time parents, but I think you should make the most of the excitement, it's a lovely time.

FortunateHamster, if your visitors are close family, don't worry about being a hostess, just let it all hang out. For the few days after I gave birth, I was way too tired and weak to care about my usually control freak ways.

Once I started getting annoyed by my mum messing up the kitchen (she cooked, in our kitchen, but never cleaned up after herself, which drove me nuts) I was, as she observed, returning to my usual self. She's your mum, she won't mind any teenage style tantrums! It will probably just make her feel nostalgic.

Coralanne how wonderful.

It's really great to read stories about people who manage to get breastfeeding sorted so early on with no problems. I read mumsnet sometimes and it makes me feel really scared about breastfeeding, I think I dread it more than the birth TBH. Most people I know had some trouble establishing breastfeeding so it's really cool to read about when it goes right

I am basically hoping that my Mum will be there when we get home from hospital and not leave for several weeks! I am expecting to need and appreciate the support of my family for the first few days after giving birth. My inlaws are a different kettle of fish altogether and I am hoping they won't be around much, but I am hoping for my own family to be there as much as possible! My sister and brother are both doctors so I anticipate lots of hypochondriac phone calls to them for reassurance and demands for home visits to check me or baby.

Wholelottalove, my mum brought food the first few times and I said how useful that was, so she continued. Nappies she did off her own back, once I'd shown her how to use "these new fangled disposable things"!

Surely this is what family are for?

My mum came to stay for 4 weeks with DS's birth in the middle - I wanted her there for the birth and as she lives overseas we had to time the flights to make sure she was there for when he made an appearance. It was brilliant - I was nearly 2 weeks overdue, and she kept me company and went for lots of vigorous walks with me to try and get things moving while DH was still at work.

After the (home) birth she helped me have a bath while DH bonded with DS. Then she did lots of shopping, cooking, cleaning so me and DH could spend all our time cuddling DS. She helped me with breastfeeding and generally provided lots of reassurance while me and DH were still feeling shell shocked.

Then when she left my MIL arrived and stayed for a week! DH had gone back to work by then and it was lovely to have someone to cuddle DS while I got showered/dressed in the mornings and had a little nap in the afternoons (without jumping awake to check DS was still breathing every ten mins ). I just remember sitting on the sofa with her drinking cups of tea, and her telling me stories about when DH was a baby It was lovely to have the chance to spend that time with her, and for DS's grannies to be able to bond with him like that.

Personally I wouldn't want family to come and stay.

I can't imagine anyone else cleaning my house, it just isn't me! It would probably end up cleaner than it has ever been I suppose.

I absolutely wouldn't want to be left with my MIL when my DH went back to work, I wouldn't even want my mum here even though we are close.

Think I am v lucky both times my mum and dad came to stay for the first week. I sat and held the baby and bonded whilst my wonderful mother rushed around and did all the chores. It was fantastic. With baby no 2 I begged her to stay a bit longer and got 10 days . I don't have a MIL and FIL is v traditional and his contribution was to pat each baby on the head as he didn't feel confident enough to have a hold. DH just sat around and looked smug in between doing 'manly' DIY jobs none of which involved the baby . Frankly I was glad when he went back to work.

Is there anyone else who would have liked more fuss/more visitors? When I had my DS we had only just moved to an area where we knew no-one except PIL/SIL so they were our only visitors at the hospital and for the next 10 days or so. They didn't come every day or overstay their welcome. My DF and SM who lived several hours drive away came for a short visit when DS was about 10 days old but stayed in a hotel.

We had moved again shortly before DD was born, MIL had bad flu and didn't see her for a week, SIL was out of the country. We took DD to a children's party DS had been invited to when she was 3 days old because we were desperate to show her off to someone!

Am agreeing with nellyjane that surely this is what families are for?

Maybe this wouldn't happen anywhere but on a British site? Why do people resent their relatives so much? Yes it's all v lovely being a new little family with just you, dp and DC but that baby is part of an extended network of relationships.

One of the most useful things I ever read about having a new baby is that the mother needs mothering. So, let the in-laws in, show them where the kettle/washing machine/washing line/lawnmower/iron are, sit on the sofa, take naps and enjoy! And you need someone to answer the front door for all the deliveries/presents that arrive, and someone to make a cup of tea for the visiting midwife and if anyone dare think that you need to grill the sausage, you will realise that one thing that the experience of labour brings you is that you will have grown a huge new pair of balls and boss everyone around now that you are the mummy!

Obviously dp won't be able to do these things for you as he will be at the jewellers.

Good luck and enjoy. And find a nice way of saying..."the current advice is... to breastfeed on demand/not to lay them on their front/not to leave them down the bottom of the garden etc etc etc.

Mym Mum assumed she would be with DH and me in the delivery suite having DS1!!!! Her first grandchild. She was a bit surprised and put out when I explained it would just be me and DH. She was a great help once I had come home though...and totally invaluale after DS2.

It is nice to hear stories of families being helpful, my DM and DF would be fantastic to have come over. They always go out of their way to help where they can so after the birth would be no different. PIL on the other hand are pretty selfish and expect to be waited on when they come. In the light of fairness though we cannot invite one couple and not the other. I wish the "getting the boobs out" would work to get PIL to leave TBH, but last time my attempts to be discrete were photographed by FIL Coralanne it is one thing to visit someone else's house as you can leave when you wish, it's another thing to have someone not take the hint about it being time for them to depart and leave you in peace.

can't the husband/partner mother the mother though? If that is what the mother prefers, if she wants to be mothered at all? I can't see why my husband would be at the jewellers, what on earth for?

There seem to be a lot of people here with huge ironing piles and long lawns. I would imagine the only mound of washing I will have will be new baby clothes. Honestly I do not want my mother or my MIL 'doing the housework' as I am a private person who only tidies when it starts to look messy. Having someone here in my tiny 2 bderoom house with a tiny back yard fussing around me and moving my things around would make me really stressed out.

Weirdly, I'd be happy for my MIL to come but dread the thought of my mum deciding perhaps she'd stay and help!

I guess it just depends what sort of relationship you have with your family. I don't have a problem with my mum, but equally she is not my best friend and I am fairly independent. She stays the night when she comes to see dd and dd absolutely adores her, but any longer than one night or with a newborn and I would turn into my old teenage self i think!
There was no point after dd was born when I felt it would be easier with another person staying. I can't imagine what chores can't wait a few weeks days