Visitors after birth

[FortunateHamster]

How do you handle them?

I'm not the most social of people but am resigned to parents and in-laws descending on us after I give birth (due next Tues, but I think he'll be late!). I'm hoping, however, that I can get away with them not visiting at the hospital (unless I end up with c-section and am there for days) - is that mean?

In this case the in-laws should hopefully be a bit easier to deal with as they live an hour away, whereas my parents are at the other end of the country, so they're booking into a hotel near us when the baby arrives and have said they'll pop in 'every day' for that week.

Don't get me wrong, I totally understand the grandparents wanting to see the little 'un - I'm just after advice on how to handle them, especially when I'll be emotional, this is my first child, and I'll probably be a bit insecure and will want to try to breastfeed etc without everyone watching. What are good coping techniques?

One 'eeeeek' moment was when my mum casually mentioned she'd actually booked two weeks off work - the second week to stay with me (in our house) on her own (ie my dad will just drop her off). I know this sounds lovely and a few people have said I'll need the help, which I'm sure I'll appreciate at the time. But I'm still unconvinced I can live in the same house as a parental unit without getting a bit angry teenager :D.

Fortunately she's agreed to come after DH has gone back to work - it was really important for me to have that time on our own (apart from the day visitors mentioned above), to make our own mistakes and just bond as a family.

Hope I seem reasonable in what I've agreed to, and also that I have the mental strength to cope with visitors when I might just want to curl up into a ball.

Am interested in other people's tales of visitors in the weeks just after birth.

Indeed.
My husband has always said that the only thing that would come between us is his parents.

diddl in our situation popping in for half an hour is the done thing, i moved into our house where dh grew up so all his friends and family live within 5 mins of us, and when they come over it is only for half and hour, dont actually recall any of his relatives making it to an hour even when we cooked for fil! they just dont know how to small talk which im grateful for! my mil and sil are not children people either so i doubt they will make much fuss (mil waited 5 days to visit her dd after a cs and didnt even call to see if she was ok )

bambino what a horrible time you had, glad to hear your on the mend now, this is a big fear of mine that constant influx of people taking over could cause PND as i wouldnt have time alone to bond as a family!

I'm currently 23 weeks pregnant with my third child (the second was a miscarriage).

I am extremely concerned about what happens after I give birth after what happened with DS.

I have no family or friends and am pretty much a loner, preferring not to go out and I really feel very uncomfortable trying to be sociable. However, I have DH's family to contend with.

After I gave birth to DS, before I'd held my own baby or been able to breastfeed, his parents came in. They sat down and pretty much demanded that they hold the baby. They then proceeded to take pictures. The first picture I have of my firstborn is of him being held by grandad. I cannot look at that photo, in fact I have deleted all trace of it. Everytime I think back to what happened after I gave birth I cry.

I never bonded with my son and for 7 months I had PND. I begged my DH infront of his parents to have DS adopted. I was dying inside and they didn't help, they made things so much worse because they didn't back off, DH can't stand up to them and I was emotionally vunerable and not strong enough.

I did have a good relationship with them before the birth, we went around every 2 weeks. Now, I try not to see them as much as possible and when I do, I dread it. We now see them once a month.

I resent them a great deal. It's not nice to say, but I'll be glad when they are dead.

This time I am adamant things will be different.

I have asked DH to tell them they are not going to see the baby for at least 2 weeks. I want time to bond and for things to go right this time. DH doesn't want to bring it up yet, so at the next available chance I will. It could be that I need longer than 2 weeks, but I need this time, surely it is my right and especially after what I went through last time, to have time with my son/daughter. I also do not want anyone holding him/her when we eventually do see people. People think they have the right for some reason. It tore me apart last time when everyone held DS and certain people didn't even ask.

I have to stop, tears are running down my cheeks. I don't want to think about the birth.

OP I hope things are different for you. You have to be strong and communicate what you want and don't want early on and do not let other people bully you.

Why don't people understand that you just want time to bond with your new family?! I had a CSec and visitors quite stressed me out at first -and I'm usually a very sociable person.
We did have a couple of 'invited' people at first but then those people who had heard that the others had been to visit became more insistent. It's definitely a good idea to tell people in advance that you will probably want to be alone with baby and your hubby for a couple of weeks and then if you change your mind they will be chuffed.
I found it hard to stop caring about offending people but if you can't do what you want when you've just had a baby then when can you?? It's not about anyone else and you want the environment to be as stress free as possible for you three. Good luck and remember to be honest with people (or get hubby to do it for you!) They will get over it. My parents being around was a different kettle of fish - they were great and it's amazing to see them hold their grandchild for the first time. However I think I am probably very lucky and don't have stressful parents. If they come round, bring food, tidy up and leave quickly you will probably appreciate it

I had my first baby two weeks ago and wish I'd been a bit more stict re visitors. I had a difficult labour followed by an emergency c-section so really needed to recover and bond with DS. Instead ended up 'entertaining' family and trying to BF before/after visits rather than when DS needede to. So much for people making their own drinks etc or helping round the house! I did, however, only allow family to visit for the first two weeks until DH went back to work but it was still too much. My best friend came round the first day that DH was at work and kindly offered to look after DS whilst I had a sleep - bless her . Wish I'd invited her round sooner!

It is lovely that people want to come and see the new arrival but sometimes you need to put yourself first and just hope they understand.

Before DD1 was born, we sent a kindly worded email to all immediate family to explain the rules of the hospital, visiting times and also to request that family did not come down to visit until a particular time after the birth as we would want a few hours to bond as a family first. Our family lived between an hour and 3 hours away from us and we were lucky that they all respected our wishes and only visited for a couple of hours the day after her birth whilst we were in hospital and then returned the weekend after we were home from hospital for the day and after that each returned for a day at a time probably about once a week.

The last thing you want to do is be worrying before the birth that the post-birth period is not as you wish it to be so I would advise a carefully worded conversation conveying your wishes beforehand.

However do be aware that if planning subsequent children, that you may actually be reliant on them dropping everything to look after your older child when you next go into labour so its worth bearing this in mind before you make your wishes too strict and risk offending them to the point that they may not feel compelled to help out with future children because you pushed them away with your first born. I have just given birth to our 2nd DD and my parents proved to be invaluable in dropping everything when labour started, to come and look after DD1 and stayed at our house at our request whilst I was still in hospital so that DH could come to the hospital as much as we felt appropriate, so I am glad I didn't lay down rigid rules the first time round that may have

That kindly worded email sounds a lot better than the weird one I got 'from a friend's new baby', PorridgeBrain! Good point about relying on parents to look after children during subsequent labours.

4 years ago, my mum and dad were very, very angry and hurt, went into a cold rage that lasted months when my SIL did not let them visit, not just in the days after birth but was very strict about the weeks after as well.

She was trying to get baby into a routine, recover from a an emergency caesarean and just couldn't handle them turning up. I found out she was using Baby Whisperer and explained to my mum what was going on, why she wouldn't wake her son to show him off, or hand him round for cuddles. But there was little understanding from my parents, only mutterings and real offence taken. I remember mum and dad saying 'But it's OUR first grandchild!' and thinking 'My God, I hope they are not like this with me' and quite dreading it.

As it turned out my mum died a year later. By then she and SIL were great friends and she often looked after the baby. Now I am first time pregnant I especially wish she was here. Even though there were times she annoyed me, and I am sure we would have clashed over many things to do with babies, I think the first sight of a very new baby, especially a grandchild is very precious and the need to see and touch the baby is primal, just as the need to bond with the baby and protect the baby is primal for the mum.

All I can think of when my dad and inlaws & family and friends visit is that I will ask DH to clearly explain time limits of 2 hours max, no unannounced visits, no more than 2 people at a time and no more than 2 visits a day - and please bring food and be prepared to make own tea. But I won't try and stop them coming - if I know it's just for 2 hours, it'll be copable with and might even be lovely.

With our first, we were lucky in some ways - friends from church came to visit maybe 2/3 times each week while I was in hospital (and thoughfully kept their visits short).

My family did not visit as they felt they could not do the journey, so waited until DC was almost 2 months old when we drove to them (apx 200 miles). Always makes me smile when I bear in mind my brother has always refused to visit us as 'the children couldn't cope' - even though they were 6 & 4 at the time! He's visited us twice in about twelve years, yet we're expected to visit them every month when we visit my Dad! My mum died four years before DC arrived, otherwise I know she would have visited and presumably stayed for a week or so (although would have gone when I said I no longer had need).

DH's family were great - visited me in hospital once and DH's mum came to stay in the area for 2-3 days once I'd returned home (DC & I were in the hospital for nearly 2 weeks - pls don't let that worry you). I was worried about DH's mum coming to us as I thought we'd clash, but she was fantastic - did all the cooking, cleaning and laundry & didn't fuss me.

What did drive me nuts was other people's visitors in hospital! The times between were meant to be for 'resting', but we usually spent all that time with DC having tests, so were v.tired during that time - other people's kids twitching curtains when you're trying to discreetly breastfeed and people talking v.loudly & kids shouting+running was not fun. So glad when we got home.

I most missed having DH visit. As we lived nearly an hour from the hospital, he felt he could not visit every day so some days I'd have no visitor. In some ways it was blessed peace, but in others I felt lonely/isolated sometimes, espec when DC spent 2 days in SCBU.

I would agree with telling visitors where the tea/coffee is. We're not v.good at offering these, so always make sure friends and family know where things are and tell them to make free with them, as if they wait for us to do it, it could be a while!
If there is anything that needs to be done, don't be scared to ask when people visit.

Two good things I found for discreet b/feeding: maternity/nursing tops by Frugi.com and any kind of wrap/shawl/towel/small blanket that you can throw over your shoulder if you want to be a bit more hidden. Some people are selling things especially for this for nearly £50 online which I think is a rip-off.
Less discreet were vest-tops and big t-shirts, but gave easy access. When b/feeding in the car (journeys to my family mostly), I found a coat hooked around my shoulder quite effective (although it's scary just how many men try to peer in through the window, when you just want to hide a bit!).

Sorry, haven't read the thread, so don't know if this has been mentioned - but my top tip would be that if you feel this way, then DON'T tell your family that you're in labour. That way, it will take your parents/ILs much longer to get in gear to come and visit you - and you might well find that it buys you a valuable few hours alone. DS was born late afternoon, but parents didn't visit until the next day - whereas if they'd known I was in labour, I'm sure they would have been hovering outside the hospital ready to swoop. (There is also another reason for this, incidentally - it can be very hard for your family to know that you're in labour but not know for hours how you're getting on. This happened to my mum when my sister had her baby (she had a long and pretty difficult labour, so having announced she was off to hospital it was then hours and hours until her DH had the chance to phone again). My mother was tearing her hair out with worry, and I didn't want her to go through that again with me, so I just phoned from the delivery room to announce that DS had been born.)

OTOH, do wait until after the birth to see whether you'd welcome help or not. Before DS was born I thought I'd rather die than have my mum/MIL staying in my house. But in the event, DS turned out to be such a difficult baby that one or other granny stayed for about five or six weeks (weekdays only) after DS had gone back to work. Yes, it was irritating on many levels, but I honestly think I would have had a nervous breakdown without them.

"If you expect to have all these dramas and troubles, you probably will."

Bollocks

Mrs Rigby Bejesus, I thought I had problems with mine. It gets to a point where you have to fight to bond with your own child doesn't it. Your baby, your rules - has to be the only way. Hope this time goes better for you.

My MiL recently commented that she'd missed loads of DS' "firsts" (giggle, steps etc). I couldn't believe the cheek of her, I work full time with a daily 4 hour commute and she thinks she's missed stuff !! Freaking witch

Yes I thought that too Foux! An incredibly patronising comment there!

It's also good to start a conversation about when your parents/PIL had you/DH. Remind them how lucky they were to have a couple of weeks in hospital to get used to feeding and looking after the baby with a strict matron to deal with unwanted overkeen visitors... Unlike these days where 2 or 3 days is considered a long stay in hospital and minimal help is provided to most people to get feeding and bathing started.

even if you are somebody who is dashing out of the maternity ward after a few hours and very glad to be in their own home, it doesn't hurt to remind some people from the older generation that they had it easy different from you (she says generalising hugely!) because it seems they expect that if you have been let home from hospital then they kind of assume that you are at the same stage that they were when they were let home from hospital - and you're not.

good luck and hope it all goes well for you!

We had everyone over every night and all drank champagne until the early hours. It was a three week party. Felt a bit lonely once they'd tailed off and life went back to normal but then just went out and met DH from work and put DD under the table in the pub in her car seat.

DS was similar and DD2 I was in the deli buying stinky cheese and pate with her. Then a quick visit to the pub garden - it was a lovely afternoon. They asked how old the baby was and did seem suprised she was only 15 hours old. But all my kids are super sociable and chilled. Maybe that's why.

(I did have the second two at home so easy to do our own thing.) My mum was ill and couldn't help and MIL came for a couple of days and made food but lived 400 miles away so that was that. By the time we had DD2 all our parents had died so expected no help anyway. NEver really got the 'rest when baby rests' thing. Too in love with all the babies to close my eyes whn I could be watching them. BUT I have never needed much sleep and DH and I always late night types - now we are late nighters who have to be up at 6.30 but life is too short to spend much of it asleep.

Baby arrived at home, in hospital for stitches with GA, cup of tea, home photo of baby, (forgot until then !) 90 mins rest then visitors arrived, very overwhealming, coat hangers fell off wall, (that must have been one too many) all I can say is I've learnt from this and would definitely recommend setting some ground rules. Its lovely to have visitors, but at the right time, and not for too long, especially when you havn't a clue how to breastfeed or even change a nappy in the early days. No space for house guests, the only ones I would have wanted are too busy with their own broods

So what about this one - if both families live overseas and will be flying in, which comes first?
With DS, we (foolishly) had both grans at the same time and it was a bloody nghtmare. My turn, no my turn (aargh!).
This time, we will have a two week hiatus until DH goes back to work but we haven't broached the subject of whose mum comes to visit first yet!

It's useful to remember as well that, certainly in this country, it wasn't all that long ago (late 70s?) that women who did have a hospital birth generally stayed in hospital/maternity homes a LOT longer (2 weeks AFAIK?) and it was usual in a lot of places to have a 4-hour routine of appearances for the baby, with very strict visiting hours... So when 'coming home from the hospital' the parents were frankly at a completely different stage from the average mum now discharging herself at 36 hours post-partum because she's not had a wink of sleep since entering the hospital, and who anyway may well have a partner on 2 weeks' paternity leave at home.

Not true for all of course (I was born at home myself, with my grandmother delivering) but mystified older posters may wish to remember this?

x post zipzap!

Haven't read the entire thread but am sending out big sympathy vibes to all those who have to make hard decisions to firmly tell family and friends the rules, else suffer the consequences of an unwelcome invasion.
For the record, my PIL came down to stay for a whole week when DD was just two weeks old. FIL kept himself to himself but MIL was a fecking nightmare.
Neither of them drove and we lived on a hill and expected a lift to the shops on a daily basis. MIL, actually had a hissy fit stating that "whenever you come to visit me, I wait on you hand and foot, yet you can't even offer me a cup of tea", she never once offered to so much as wash a cup. Yet, she was full of 'helpful' advice about how to raise a child, and when ignored I could feel her dissapproving eyes boring into me.
And, to top it all, she not only consistently got DD's name wrong, but kept referring to HER as HE!!!
The saddest thing is that she showed no actual loving interest towards DD, in all the photos of her with DD she's holding the baby like a sack of spuds and staring disinterestedly into the middle distance. DD now 8, asks about this whenever the family photos come out.
When DS arrived four years later, they made no attempt to visit, claiming they "weren't welcome" (top marks for perception, then), however as we weren't able to travel easily to Scotland from Kent DS was 6 months old before they met him. FIl was over the moon, but MIL proffered the same frosty reception that DD received.
So sad, DH is an only child and these are the only grandchildren my PILs will have.
Thank goodness they have a fantastic Nana in my mother.

I agree with if possible, don´t tell anyone you are in labour.

People who have done this-why?

(Obv. had to with 2nd as ILs came to look after first)

IvaNighSpare-also have a pic of MIL holding my first in a frankly odd way.

They were born prem & when she visited she couldn´t work the soap dispenser thing to wash hands-and wasn´t going to bother-we were in the high dependency unit FFS!!!

In fact she didn´t want to visit as she was frightened of what he would look like.-sorry, but haven´t most people seen a pic of a prem in the paper on an item on TV?

Brilliant point, Maktaitai and Zipzap. I intend to point this out to parents and ILs at the earliest opportunity .

Diddl, my second is due in 7 weeks and I'm already slightly dreading the labour logistics the second time round. Not only am I worried about how DS will cope with the upheaval, but I'm frankly appalled at the thought of being in labour but having my mum in the house as well. She's a real 'you must go to hospital at the slightest twinge' kind of person, and she's already expressed shock surprise that I won't necessarily be rushing off to the labour ward as soon as they arrive to look after DS. I've got visions of her hovering around, alternately offering cups of tea and uttering worried gasps whenever I have a contraction . How did you cope with this??

When I had ds 20 months ago, we had no idea what to expect. We were young and inexperienced and in the new, first child haze. I'd had an em-cs and was home 3 days afterwards as I just couldn't stand being in hospital. I'd lost all my dignity and looking back, was severly traumatised by it all!! I was so sore and at the time there were folk I really was quite relieved to see (and wished could have stayed longer) and others who outstayed their welcome and were general fannies!!

My mum was going through some kind of crazy phase (brought on by becoming a grandparent I think) where she was loads of help and no help at the same time. Fountain of information, reassurance etc, but wouldn't let me mother my own child, which made me feel inadequate, stressed and unconfident.

FIl was a nightmare - brought DH's 5 other siblings and 9 year old niece all at the smae time to visit in our tiny flat where they threw dog toys around, made a mess and refused to hold baby at all. Great fun. He also decided to buy every baby item he could find over the following weeks which I had to cram into already over-flowing nursery.

Best friends were great - brought cake, food, drinks, love and understanding which was nice. Didn't stay too long either.

Dh's colleagues from work came en mass at 9 at night and generally lounged around until 11 before they were politely asked to leave.

FIL had also told his family friends where we lived, so they just popped in uninvited - generally at stupid o clock in the morning when I was trying in vain to bf or just trying to relax whie baby was asleep before next round of visitors.

Oh and also, friends parents decided they were coming round too. Uninvited. At random times.

We were very gracious, thankful etc for all of the visits. Generally after that initial 2 weeks we were then ignored. Which is awesome when you are struggling with pnd, dh is out all day at work and you are stuck up 4 flights of stairs unable to get out for 6 weeks due to cs.

I would have loved if my mum had offered to stay and help - would have been great just to disappear for a few days to recover while someone else dealt with it all. I think the toll it took in the first 6 weeks was immeasurable. I suffered from pnd for a year or so - something I blame on the first few weeks of craziness, not being able to bond with baby etc.

Well ILs not my first choice but Dad alone & didn´t feel able,neighbours & friends at work so there really was only them.

They & husband an hour away, so after waters went I popped to a neighbour`s son in case no one got to me & I had to call ambulance & go alone.

MIL in a terrible state-"well, should we come now-I´ve just put a casserole in, I don´t know what to do"!!???

Well, that was it-when husband got home I was hysterical-I can´t leave PFB with your parents I´m staying here!

Well, PFB came to no harm-but husband so worried he stayed a bit at the hospital then went home to check!

He came to visit the next morning with PFB-ILs had already gone home, driving straight past the hospital but not visited, even though I´d told husband the night before that they could pop by!