Visitors after birth

[FortunateHamster]

How do you handle them?

I'm not the most social of people but am resigned to parents and in-laws descending on us after I give birth (due next Tues, but I think he'll be late!). I'm hoping, however, that I can get away with them not visiting at the hospital (unless I end up with c-section and am there for days) - is that mean?

In this case the in-laws should hopefully be a bit easier to deal with as they live an hour away, whereas my parents are at the other end of the country, so they're booking into a hotel near us when the baby arrives and have said they'll pop in 'every day' for that week.

Don't get me wrong, I totally understand the grandparents wanting to see the little 'un - I'm just after advice on how to handle them, especially when I'll be emotional, this is my first child, and I'll probably be a bit insecure and will want to try to breastfeed etc without everyone watching. What are good coping techniques?

One 'eeeeek' moment was when my mum casually mentioned she'd actually booked two weeks off work - the second week to stay with me (in our house) on her own (ie my dad will just drop her off). I know this sounds lovely and a few people have said I'll need the help, which I'm sure I'll appreciate at the time. But I'm still unconvinced I can live in the same house as a parental unit without getting a bit angry teenager :D.

Fortunately she's agreed to come after DH has gone back to work - it was really important for me to have that time on our own (apart from the day visitors mentioned above), to make our own mistakes and just bond as a family.

Hope I seem reasonable in what I've agreed to, and also that I have the mental strength to cope with visitors when I might just want to curl up into a ball.

Am interested in other people's tales of visitors in the weeks just after birth.

I am doing the spare bed removal thing too

I am very close to my mum and sister, and some of my extended aunts and cousins. However, my Dh and I said from day 1 that anyone visiting had to phone in advance and we also made it clear that visits were to be short. My DH was off for 2 weeks and I wanted it to be about the three of us.

Looking back I am so glad that we were strict...the first few days back home with DD and DH were lovely, plus as a new breastfeeding mum I had my boobs out non stop and could completely relax doing this.

Because we were clear from the start, everyone respected our wishes and this meant that there no hurt feelings.

Once we got into the swing of things it was lovely to have visitors and to show off DD. The first few days (and weeks TBH) of breastfeeding can be stressful and its important that you feel able to feed on demand. You dont want to have to worry about visitors.

Just be clear with people and things should be fine....re: the issue of smoking, be firm, its your baby and guidance is that even clothing will still carry smoke. Not everyone has to hold your baby anyway. Their wee bones get sore, so dont feel that everyone has to have a cuddle in the early days.

I had MIL & sister invite her neighbours (I had never met them) etc in after my c section!! She was there 4 of the 5 days that I was in hospital!!!She was also there the day after a terrible birth where I almost died and was in HDU..She threw flowers onto the bed at me and then went off right over the other side of the room with DS! I hadn't even seen my other DS (twins) yet as he was in NICU and I was very ill and unable to be wheeled down...Why did I/DH let her come in? There was alot of pressure that if my parents came in then so would ILs even though they were total twunts to me. DH was a bit of a momma's boy at that stage as she totally used emotional blackmail etc.

I still get annoyed about it BUT I try to imagine if it was me being the MIL/grandparent and how excited I would be to see the baby. It must be awful to have to wait till the parents get home (unless it is a quick birth/stay).

AND in the grand scheme of things I got plenty of time with my baby and me alone, the first days really weren't the be all and end all.

I would invite them in the hospital but half an hour before visiting time is up so it is a short visit.

I had my first son on 31st March, and really struggled with this! Visitors every day for 4 weeks. not able to go out to meet people to retain some control cos had section and not physically able for first week or so and spent all day waiting in for MW to turn up sometime btw 8-5!
If I were doing it again I would be ruthless. Just be honest and tell people not to come for a few weeks, apart from very close family / friends who you can get your boobs out in front of!!
A strict appointment system I reckon is the way to go. And don't be afraid to ignore the phone/ door!
The worst/ most hilarious of all was one of my colleagues visiting me in labour ward ( I work in the hospital i delivered in - nightmare) whilst I was in labour and she was trying to tell my about a night out in a few weeks time and would I be going..........eh no!!!!!

DuelingFango Just from observing my own very large family, relatively few new mums have had problems establishing or maintaining BF.

I don't think I would like reading this thread if I was a first time mum. It would strike terror in my heart I think.

I haven't forgotten what it was like (my eldest will be 27 in July).

When he was born I didn't have any problems BF him but I had horrendously sore nipples.(I guess that was because he wasn't latching on properly when he was first born).

I can remember rubbing "wool fat" on nipples between feds and using a ray lamp.

I also didn't BF in front of anyone exceptDH.

I think hat there is a self fulfilling prophecy going on here. If you expect to have all these dramas and troubles, you probably will.

It is important for first time mums to remember that childbirth is just another phase in their lives and apart from the horrendous medical problems a minority of women have, most of the time it is just carry on as usual.

I also didn't BF in front of anyone except DH

Fantastic book called Baby Wisdom by Deborah someone who compares birth and bringing-up children practice from around the world and all different cultures. Loads of countries, religions & races have a baby mooning period of around 40 days when you keep visitors to miniumum and also the avoid handling of baby by visitors. Great interesting read.

If you have concerns, air them now and tell your mum you may want her to stay over later, not earlier. Peak crying phase is actually week 5, and peters out by week 12 (unless colic-y baby). She must be able to move her holiday dates if needs be.

Be firm. Say thanks for offer but its up to you. I wanted to hibernate with my children when the were born (have had 3) for first few weeks.

Good luck!

DuellingFanjo-I agree.

When I had my 2nd my Mum had intended to move in for 2wks to help.

But for me, just having someone else in the house would have negated any benefit tbh.

I needed to work things out for myself.

Also, I´m not sure my mum would have done much other than cuddle baby, tbh!

Just reading this thread and talking to DH about it - he is telling me off for being extreme re smoking (both his parents smoke) but I shall prevail [wink} I'll just find some official advice somewhere and send it to them.

I have exactly the same worries as you fortunatehamster, my stepsister had even planned Christmas for us (baby due October 21st) away from home!!! So now have to undo all that which wasn't my fault in the first place. Bah! Anyhoo, I do think just calmly saying what you want beforehand is the way ahead. Certain members of my family will be v bitchy and judgemental about it but they can stick it, I don't care! I'll switch the doorbell and the phone off ...hyuck hyuck... It's hard though, it really is.

makes mental note to disconnect doorbell

keep the tips coming!

I've been thinking about this one as we got swamped by visitors when dc2 arrived. It will be summer so we'll try to keep visitors with kids outside, and I'm just going to hide upstairs and pretend to be asleep when it suits me, bring baby down for 5 mins then announce that it needs changing and disappear upstairs again. No visitors upstairs under any circumstances, and if necessary I'll shut both stair gates.I'm glad there's someone else that finds the thought of housework help a nightmare duelingfanjo, after I've given birth I don't want any help pegging out my knickers, DH will have to do all that.

I found the presence if people ok but couldn't handle people taking the baby and not giving her back unless I asked. MIL came and held DS for hours on end and I felt bereft and angry but couldn't ask for her back for fear of seeming churlish. I really regret missing those hours with my new baby and will be much stricter about how long people can hold the next one in the first few days.

Unfortunately people do seem to forget the mother in their excitement to see the baby. I was in hospital, recovering from my c-sec and had just finished breastfeeding when suddenly my curtain was drawn back and my in-laws were standing there, no bloody warning and my tits were almost exposed. If they had have seen me like that, doing something I wasn't overly comfortable with anyhow and seen my body then I probably would have burst into tears as I am not one of those mums who is comfortable with people seeing me bf. We also had friends just turn up when we had been home only two days and that upset me too. Looking back I think they only meant well, but having a baby, especially your first is alot to deal with so people just swanning in does not help.

The new mum has alot happening - getting bf going, blood loss, feeling tired out. Family & friends should be visiting to help not to expect chitchat. and not to be sitting around in the same room as the new mum - she needs quiet & privacy.

I've got an email here that my friend's partner sent out when she had her first baby.

'Hello! My name is [name] and I was born exactly 24 hours ago, weighing 7lbs at [name of hospital]!

My mum and dad are thrilled and would like to thank everyone for the texts and messages and good wishes and cards and flowers. It's wonderful that everyone is so happy at my safe arrival!

Mum is still very tired and sore after a 37 hour labour and the doctors have told her that she needs to rest in bed and have lots of quiet time for a few weeks.

So instead of having open-house to visitors, Dad is going to send everyone special invitations with suggested times to come and meet me over the next few weeks. Family will be invited first, then friends as mum gets stronger. Offers of help from visitors - especially offering cooked meals, washing/ironing, shopping and tidying help are always very welcome and we would prefer this to flowers or toys.

Please look out for your invitation. Dad will also be putting some pics up on his facebook page.

With lots of love from

[name] and proud parents {name and name]

xxx

I was a bit 'wtf' at the time but actually, now I think it was a good idea after reading this thread! As far as I know, everyone respected it, and she got the peace and quiet (and lasagne and ironing) that she wanted

Omg that e- mail is the naffest thing ever, it's also pretty rude I think.
I hate when people write stuff pretending it's from baby, it's not cute just creepy.

My parents came over (to Europe) for 3 weeks when I gave birth and we just had a 'talk' before they got here where we laid out the rules so no-one would get offended or stressed out. It worked out great - I had my mum organising lunch and dinner for a week then, once I had got over the whole I-Have-a-baby shock, she kind of phased out and I took over slowly. It gave me so much time to spend just looking after dd without worrying about other crap like cleaning or cooking and to get my head round what had happened!
They stayed in a little b&b, went off for drinks in the evening and generally left us alone once dh came home after work. It was great!
I think it depends on the relationship you have with them and i think it pays to be brutally honest with what they need to expect before they get there.

Not read whole thread so apologies if repeating but this whole issue really got to me when DS (10 months) was born, and our family weren't even that pushy (perhaps because they have seen me pissed off before...). Why is it that people want to descend at the most inappropriate time for a new mum?? Grrr .
I stupidly went to a family do that happened to fall 3 days after I gave birth. Very straightforward labour & delivery so thought I could handle it but wasn't at all prepared for the emotional tsuanmi that was day 3, along with milk coming in and being engorged. I basically cried for most of it and HATED people holding DS. Thankfully family members were actually on the whole fab and nuturing but I hated every minute of it and struggle to look at the pics now. Looking back I was doing it for them, not me and DS. So what I'd say to the OP is that you and your baby must be your no.1 priority, not anyone else's feelings. May sound harsh but its how I feel from my experience. Be prepared to feel the most emotionally wobbly you have ever felt in your whole life (not trying to scare you, just wish someone had told me). Get DH on side so that you can tell people (very politely) to leave when it gets too much. I totally agree that family members can be very helpful in a practical sense when you've just had a baby, and esp when paternity leave ends (shopping, washing etc), and also agree that for them, the arrival of the grandchild is just hugely exciting, but if all they want to do is hold the baby whilst you're trying to bond & establish BF then this isn't ok. . Be strong and when you feel an overwhelming urge to have your baby back in your arms then don't be afraid to ask.
Oh and I was quite surprised to find that I didn't mind my parents being around so much but struggled with ILs. Not anything that they were doing, so much, but it did arouse some un/sub-conscious stuff for me about fearing that they would take over the baby. I also think that their priority was the baby, whereas my mum was equally concerned about whether I was OK & if BF was going well (she used to be an NCT counsellor - she is fab ). My mum said she felt the same when her first (my brother) was born, so this normalised it and I certainly don't feel that way at all now (in fact MIL is doing childcare when I return to work but my parents aren't).
Good luck. It's a difficult time but also very wonderful so hope you and they can keep to some (perhaps prearranged??) boundaries..

that email is awful.

Tbh I think there should be middle ground. I totally think that people descending at all hours of the day and night, expecting to be fed and staying for hours are totally unreasonable.

But tbh I also think it's a little unreasonable to specify absolutely no visitors for days/weeks or even, as that email suggests, by invitation only. Ultimately while of course parents want to get used to being parents, a baby is not a possession and is a unique little person with whom other members of its family will want to form a relationship too. And that newborn stage is so short, is it so wrong to want to share in that?

I wonder how many people who make these visitor demands are posting on here in years to come complaining that mil/sil/bil don't seem to have any interest in their child.

I suppose one of the problems is that families are so fragmented.

It´s not just possible to pop in for half an hour.

But likewise I find this whole wanting to keep people away for the first weeks odd.

Let´s face it, it´s something both our mothers & MILs have done-we haven´t invented it!

As you will be feeling quite hormonal after birth anyway, maybe you could start crying and general look really awful when visitors arrive, hopefully then they would either feel uncomfortable and leave or do something useful like your washing/dishes to help out. Whatever you do try not too look like you are coping too well or people will expect you to make endless cups of tea/coffee for them (thats my experience anyway)

If I kept my MiL and Sil at bay during those first few weeks, I am sure that I wouldn't have suffered from PND. Having 2 people continuously tutting their disapproval and saying "isn't your mummy silly, look what she's done" or "doesn't your mummy talk rubbish" isn't helpful. Oh, then we had MiL just grabbing DS off us - at one time mid-feed - because she couldn't watch us do it all wrong. MiL didn't even leave the room when the HV came to check my CS scar. She never once made a cup of tea for me, just grabbed DS and made me feel shite.

I am over the worst of it now but they made me feel totally inadequate as a mother which was/is the worst feeling ever. Awful time and I still well up when I think back to begging DH not to go to work because I felt like my own DS knew that I was a rubbish mum and that he hated me. So, no vistors for 2 weeks next time. Sounds harsh but it's down to experience.

I really wanted to just lock to doors and snuggle up with DS and DH after having DS (as i had him in the depths of that deep snow we had round Christmas, it was prime snuggling up time anyway).

DH was a great gatekeeper, kept everyone away for a couple of days then entertained guests downstairs when I took DS to our bed to try to establish BFing (OP - your bed is bound to be more comfy than the nursery - don't worry about the door).

BTW - those of you who talk about doing housework, making cups of tea for visitors etc in the first couple of weeks post-birth, WTF was your DH doing on his paternity leave??? Surely the whole point is he'll spend that couple of weeks running the house and looking after guests while you recover?

Oh Bambino that´s awful.

Although I don´t get on with MIL, I will give her her due in that she has never once criticised, tutted or even given "a look".

diddl it really was the worst thing of motherhood and DH and I very nearly split over it because he didn't stand up for me back then or tell him mum and sister to back off. Even recently (DS is almost 18 months now), a huge family argument flared up and DH finally said all the things that he should have said then, but again MiL and Sil dismissed it as "Bambino talking rubbish as usual" and even called me a twat for being too sensitive. Some people are just arseholes I suppose. Hey ho