Visitors after birth

[FortunateHamster]

How do you handle them?

I'm not the most social of people but am resigned to parents and in-laws descending on us after I give birth (due next Tues, but I think he'll be late!). I'm hoping, however, that I can get away with them not visiting at the hospital (unless I end up with c-section and am there for days) - is that mean?

In this case the in-laws should hopefully be a bit easier to deal with as they live an hour away, whereas my parents are at the other end of the country, so they're booking into a hotel near us when the baby arrives and have said they'll pop in 'every day' for that week.

Don't get me wrong, I totally understand the grandparents wanting to see the little 'un - I'm just after advice on how to handle them, especially when I'll be emotional, this is my first child, and I'll probably be a bit insecure and will want to try to breastfeed etc without everyone watching. What are good coping techniques?

One 'eeeeek' moment was when my mum casually mentioned she'd actually booked two weeks off work - the second week to stay with me (in our house) on her own (ie my dad will just drop her off). I know this sounds lovely and a few people have said I'll need the help, which I'm sure I'll appreciate at the time. But I'm still unconvinced I can live in the same house as a parental unit without getting a bit angry teenager :D.

Fortunately she's agreed to come after DH has gone back to work - it was really important for me to have that time on our own (apart from the day visitors mentioned above), to make our own mistakes and just bond as a family.

Hope I seem reasonable in what I've agreed to, and also that I have the mental strength to cope with visitors when I might just want to curl up into a ball.

Am interested in other people's tales of visitors in the weeks just after birth.

Its really important to manage peoples expectations before and well done for thinking of it!
When DD was born my parents were very good and only stayed for a little while, bit PIL and SIL came over 30 minutes after we got home and stayed for 7 hours that day! Instead of cuddling my new baby and getting to grips with feeding, I was making cups of tea and MIL whipped a formula bottle out so everyone could have a go at feeding. From then on, they were there everyday for hours- 'helping'- but no-one ever did anything but cuddle the baby. After day 3, MIL started organising for every one of their family and friends to come and visit, including people who I had never met and who did not even know my name. It felt like I had the baby for them! Thats when I put my foot down and 16 months on, they have still not forgiven me. I so wish I had said from the beginning or even before how I wanted things to be!
I am having Twins in December and I will be discussing with PIL and SIL in the next couple of weeks that we would like to spend some time on our own and will let them know when they can come and visit for a short time only. AND they have to do some chores too.
It depends on what kind of person you are and what kind of people relatives are I guess, but I really regretted my experience.

Its really important to manage peoples expectations before and well done for thinking of it!
When DD was born my parents were very good and only stayed for a little while, bit PIL and SIL came over 30 minutes after we got home and stayed for 7 hours that day! Instead of cuddling my new baby and getting to grips with feeding, I was making cups of tea and MIL whipped a formula bottle out so everyone could have a go at feeding. From then on, they were there everyday for hours- 'helping'- but no-one ever did anything but cuddle the baby. After day 3, MIL started organising for every one of their family and friends to come and visit, including people who I had never met and who did not even know my name. It felt like I had the baby for them! Thats when I put my foot down and 16 months on, they have still not forgiven me. I so wish I had said from the beginning or even before how I wanted things to be!
I am having Twins in December and I will be discussing with PIL and SIL in the next couple of weeks that we would like to spend some time on our own and will let them know when they can come and visit for a short time only. AND they have to do some chores too.
It depends on what kind of person you are and what kind of people relatives are I guess, but I really regretted my experience.

I agree with WalkTheDog - can you set some visiting times/ rules for your house in the first couple of weeks.

Can you politely say to your families (both yours and in laws) that due to trying to settle into a routine and coping with health visitors/ midwive visits ect that they will only be able to vists between x and y times, that they will not be able to stay for meals (if your able to be cheeky you can add - unless they agree to provide it!) and that they will NOT be able to smoke at all, even outisde, during their visit. (I too have heard this advice and being a ex-smoker do not think it is unreasonable to expect a smoke free environment for new little one).

Think 1TiredBunny said it best though. They are not mind readers and unless you can tell them how you feel and wwhat you would like - they will never know. I agree though that this may be difficult to bring up and will need to be dealt with sensitively

I agree with people who said that the hospital visiting is not too bad as certainly at mine visitors only had one hour in the evening to visit, unless they were partners / children. So don't discount that as an option for the first visit - at least they have met the baby then and you can more reasonably ask for no visitors once you are home for a few days.

Reading this thread has reminded me how stressed I was for the days after DD was born, both parents are a couple of hours drive away, then all came to the hospital on the first day, which was ok, but then they all came the next day too, and a couple of days later at the weekend. I remember the PIL staying til midnight that night! I just disappeared upstairs to feed DD and went to bed myself without saying bye!
Hmm this time round I'm going to have to set DH up to give them stricter times I think, it really wound me up as you're in no sense of routine and need to feel comfortable to feed / work out what you're doing without well-meaning comments.

I would definitely recommend no visitors on day 3/4 as that's the classic time for feeling very weepy and hormonal. We had friends round that day and I was upstairs crying about what a good job my tummy had done of looking after the baby (having caught sight of it all deflated in the mirror) then I had some sort of trippy episode after they left and DH had to force me to eat something and sent me to bed.

Sorry I'm not really helping here, but you've made me realise I need to think about this myself too.

In short I'd say don't be afraid to say no visitors, you'll never get those first few days back and it's important that you and DH and your new baby have as relaxed a start as possible.

This is a great thread as it's something that really bugged me last time. We set a 2 week period to spend by ourselves as a family. My parents were fine with this, in fact my mum said she couldn't have cared less about seeing DS but just wanted to know we were well and happy. PIL freaked out at request stating he was their grandchild, er we know, but he's our child. MIL had wobbly, I felt so sorry for DH having to deal with endless histrionics. In the end they got their wish and visited 4 days after his birth. Sat on their arses and stayed for much longer than they'd agreed. This time I shall in no uncertain terms tell them to "f" off, I don't need their kind of "help".

privetDancer I have been told that day 3/4 is also when your milk comes in which is not very comfortable, is that about right?

I'm definitely going to put a ban on day 3/4 after what you have said.

LOL yes I remember standing behind FIL trying to attract DH's attention and pointing frantically at my supercharged boobs to subtly tell him as I was quite excited and wanted to feed her

That was saturday evening after DD born wednesday afternoon, so counts as day 3 I think.

Really interesting to read all the comments, I am 36 weeks and need to discuss with my dh as really want him to get the most out of his 2 weeks paternity leave to bond with the baby.

Feel guilty as know that I will be quite relaxed with my family but prob not with his, not fair I know but the reality and I cant help that.

Have a premonition that I will spend hours at a time crying in the bedroom trying to get breastfeeding right while dh "entertains" the visitors. Is it prudish to want to have some privacy to breastfeed, at least until you get in the swing of it?

grumpypumpkini, I have the same premonition though I sometimes wonder if me sitting on the sofa with my tits out might work to my advantage and scare people away

No I don't think that's prudish grumpypumpkin, It's really awkward at first, when you're both trying to get the hang of it. And like any new skill, you don't generally want people watching while you're practising. It would make me feel v flustered. And especially not if it's your fil watching and it involves you getting half-naked

After a while it's fairly easy to just slip a boob out and get feeding and I wasn't generally bothered about doing it in public, but I don't like people seeing me doing anything when I don't know what I'm doing!

This thread has really made me think - DH doesn't get any paternity leave (we're in the USA) and while he's only working half days, I'm worried about managing on my own. That said, my Mum's coming to stay and help, and I'm worried about it! She's helped my sister and sister-in-law after deliveries, is very good with babies and quite tactful - but I still don't want her there just at first - certainly not in the first 3-5 days. . . I think I'm scared that she'll be better with the baby that me - plus she's never breastfed and is a bit of a 'schedule' freak when it comes to babies... so I know we're going to disagree about some things...
argh!

Best advice I got from friends who've experienced this was: Don't get dressed. Not saying flash your PIL, but don't put on 'real clothes' - stay in pajamas, trackies, and a dressing gown - if you're in real clothes, people expect you to make them tea. If you're in pajamas, they remember you've recently been through a massive physical event and might still be recovering.
At least that's the theory. I'm planning on staying in PJs to test it out!

Lol at duelingfanjo sitting on sofa with tits out!

Yeah, thats what I thought privet. I know that I will have to do it in public unless I wnat to spend the best part of a year hanging out in public toilets, and think I will get a nice pashmina type wrap so that I feel comfortable in public. But I imagine that all the boob manhandling I will have to do in the early days will draw quite a lot of attention!! I dont even like wearing low cut tops!!

That's a really good idea blackcurrants
I might see if I can dribble a bit of gravy down my pijama top then get my tits out.

After each of mine I have always had such a big rush of feeling invincible, (endorphins, adrenalin, I don't know, maybe just incredibly proud of myself for producing a baby!) that I have been on a big high for about 48hrs.

After DD (DC3) was born DP picked me up from the hospital and we went called in to see my very elderly Nan on the way home (prob 9 hrs after birth) so she could meet DD.

Then an hour or so we were home and had visits from my mum & her partner, MIL, and DP's grandparents.

IME it has been best just to get those initial visits out of the way and then have a few days to ourselves, though my Mum did come to see us but that's different because she's my mum

Posted too soon, also meant to say I have also got up the following morning and taken the DC's to school with the new baby in the pram so that friends and neighbours have had the chance to see the new one before hiding away before the feel good feeling wears off.

Ooh yes I like the pyjama / tits out plan.

Haven't read whole thread but SO disagree with some recent posts.

DO allow visitors (i.e your mum) in for half an hour each morning so that you can get dressed. Last night's milky pyjamas should go straight in the wash and once you've had a shower you will feel a little bit human again.

By all means wear comfy clothes but DO get showered and changed every day if you can.

A doting grandparent holding the baby for half an hour could be he best thing that happens to you all day (apart from the endless gazing of the little bundle of gorgeousness you've created).

And you may find that showing off your baby is the best feeling in the world. And those parents love you and DP just as much as you love your new baby...

(And they don't have to stay all day! And they are quite capable of making their own tea and coffee - they may even bring biscuits).

So, don't worry - visitors can be a good thing...

I'm not suggesting not showering, NonnoMum but I am suggesting that you don't let people think "oh she's fine, she'll make the dinner" - which (by the sounds of some of the blardy selfish visitors people are describing) seems a possibility. Sure they might bring biscuits and help you out, but it sounds like you have to inform them that that's what they should do, rather than hoping they'll get the hint...

There's a running 'joke' in my family about burnt sausages - just after my older brother was born, my mum's dad and brother came to visit, resulting in my mum trying to cook for them and look after the baby at the same time. She wasn't at her best and the sausages got burnt. Relatives found this funny. Hearing about it afterwards I was just surprised she was in the kitchen at all, not flopped on the sofa with the baby she's just made, insisting the visitors cook for her! Definitely going to make sure relatives understand that they won't get 'entertained' when my own little one has just arrived - short visits, in which they can make me cups of tea.

I had everyone and their dog (ok so they are definitely allowed in), but within a few hours of having EMCS with DD had Mum. MIL, CIL, Bro, and Dad visiting me in the room I laboured in was so tired couldn't be bothered to tell them to go away. Following day had all of them plus SIL, Niece, DSS and several friends, but I was grateful not to have to change meconium nappies! Was like a party in my cubicle. Was so glad to go home after 2 days as we lived too far away for anyone but my Mum to visit and she didn't stay nights.

With DC1 I too got really stressed about visitors - mostly PIL. Thankfully I was 2 weeks overdue so family visited in hospital and then PIL went on a holiday they had booked months before, for a week. However, when they returned they then wanted a 'full day' with their grandchild and that pushed me over the edge as everyone had an opinion as to why he was crying and I started to doubt my instincts...cue lots of irrational tears!

This time I have said no one to visit on the day we get back from hospital so that my DC1 has some time to adjust before lots of well meaning family descend. Thereafter, I have asked for short visits. However...I have left DH to pass this message to his parents (who will not understand why it is NOT helpful to have them around fussing after DC1 or me!).

Good luck with everything.

Is it normal for PIL (or even your own parents) to request this 'full day' thing? What does a baby that young do but sleep and cry and feed? I hope no one expects this of me! With a bit of luck my DH will be off work for the whole time his Mum is over because in the past there have been times when I have been left alone to entertain her and it's just not going to be possible after the baby is born.

Does everyone on MN really have relatives and friends like this?

Every single post so far has recommended seting rules and regulations and sort of presuming that they are going to be emotional and insecure after the birth of a baby.

My DN's partner left hospital yesterday after having her first baby at the age of 44.

They called at my home on the way home so my DH could see the baby.

Nephew's partner sat on the lounge and BF the baby while I made a cup of tea because she was "hanging out for a decent cup of tea" after hospital tea.

She was so cool calm and collected.

I nursed the baby while she had afternoon tea. She also had the outfit on DS that I had given her.

As they left about an hour later they invited us over to their new home that they are moving into next week.