Visitors after birth

[FortunateHamster]

How do you handle them?

I'm not the most social of people but am resigned to parents and in-laws descending on us after I give birth (due next Tues, but I think he'll be late!). I'm hoping, however, that I can get away with them not visiting at the hospital (unless I end up with c-section and am there for days) - is that mean?

In this case the in-laws should hopefully be a bit easier to deal with as they live an hour away, whereas my parents are at the other end of the country, so they're booking into a hotel near us when the baby arrives and have said they'll pop in 'every day' for that week.

Don't get me wrong, I totally understand the grandparents wanting to see the little 'un - I'm just after advice on how to handle them, especially when I'll be emotional, this is my first child, and I'll probably be a bit insecure and will want to try to breastfeed etc without everyone watching. What are good coping techniques?

One 'eeeeek' moment was when my mum casually mentioned she'd actually booked two weeks off work - the second week to stay with me (in our house) on her own (ie my dad will just drop her off). I know this sounds lovely and a few people have said I'll need the help, which I'm sure I'll appreciate at the time. But I'm still unconvinced I can live in the same house as a parental unit without getting a bit angry teenager :D.

Fortunately she's agreed to come after DH has gone back to work - it was really important for me to have that time on our own (apart from the day visitors mentioned above), to make our own mistakes and just bond as a family.

Hope I seem reasonable in what I've agreed to, and also that I have the mental strength to cope with visitors when I might just want to curl up into a ball.

Am interested in other people's tales of visitors in the weeks just after birth.

Oops cross posts dueling - yes same here

I don't know how people do it, because of moving we're situated on the other side of the country, far away from family and friends, with each birth I know I couldn't have handled the amount of visitors that would have come by back home, here only dh's family were waiting to see baby for a few minutes after coming back from hospital.

Really after birth you're usually a bit shellshocked and need time to yourself.

Best of luck with it all

I have banned all visitors for the first two weeks. My MIL has completely ignored this and is coming (whether we like it or not) in the second week. She's going to stay in a hotel though. She's absolutely lovely but I'm not comfortable about breastfeeding in front of her as this is my first baby and I'm not going to be very adept at bfeeding by week two. Also, I won't want her to see the state of our house during the first few weeks of parenthood! My mum is very respectful of our wishes and has accepted our request without hesitation....which makes me feel a little guilty . In case you think I'm really mean, my family live abroad so they can't just pop by for a visit.

DeeLite, my MIL lives abroad and is coming for 3 weeks. This spans my due date, her birthday, christmas and New Year. I am not sure of any of her plans but have already said I will be at my mum's for Christmas. I have a feeling I will be put under a lot of pressure to change these plans and am not looking forward to it very much.

Am hoping she will have the sense not to pop in daily or offere to stay to help me out with the house etc.

Deelite I feel your pain !

This thread has made me sad for all the Grandmas, Grandads, Aunies and Uncles who must feel so unwelcome I saw my children as part of an extended family and was always happy for people to visit, I dont get this needing to bond as a family unit thing at all. I wanted to show off my children and have some company.I hope when I become a grandma my children will welcome me, I would be gutted if they imposed a 2 week ban, or half an hour slots for me to visit.

but would you want to visit every day for a few hours each day straight after the birth Mumto2andnomore? I think if I have grandkids I will go at the pace my children and their partners prefer rather than expecting to be there early and often.

ps, it's not all about the family unit for me it's more to do with privacy, tiredness, breastfeeding and calm.

Rant Alert

You always get two types on replies on these threads. There are people who have had easy deliveries with considerate, helpful, and usually small famillies, who say "but you are making them unwelcome! Your baby is part of a wider community! When you are a Grandma, you will have the same thing happen to you, and you'll be sorry!" because they have family members that they get on with, and who will pop over for an hour, say how gorgous the baby is/how well you look, bring flowers and nice food, do some washing up and then leave promptly.

You will also get people who have had long traumatic deliveries with large, inconsiderate, insensitive families where people turn up uninvited, don't leave, and by sheer force of numbers mean you get no time alone with the baby, take the baby off when it is crying and expect to be waited on hand and foot. Guess which I have!

Most people's idea of "helping" (particularly if they haven't had children)is to hold the new baby all the time/take the new baby out alone for a walk "to give you a break"/be made cups of tea and meals etc. which is not my idea of help at all!

I really don't understand why people are so inconsiderate, unless it's a close family member/very close friend I would never expect to be invited round in the first month (even before giving birth myself).

My best visitor was my best friend and bf's H, who came round, cooked us a full roast with pudding (bringing all the ingredients themselves, doing all the washing up plus cleaning the kitchen in between), asked if it would be alright hold the baby, which they gave back as soon as it cried and left once the aforementioned cooking/cleaning/present giving was finished to give us a rest. Bliss. My advice is to mention this to anyone who hopes to visit after the birth "a friend from antenatal group's BF...." and hopefully they will get the hint!

Thanks for all the great answers.

I think it's important to remember that everyone's different, has different bonds with relatives and different comfort levels. There's also a difference between people who pop in once or twice for an hour and those who come for a week or more.

I would hope it's obvious that I have taken my relatives' feelings into account - I haven't said no to anyone visiting at all. And with the advice here I hope to be able to deal with them better now anyway

I feel more comfortable, generally, with my parents than the inlaws. However, mine are coming to stay in a hotel for 'several days' after the birth. They won't have anything to do in the area except come to mine, so I won't get a day 'off' from visitors until they've gone back up north. I'm going to let them - but that's why I wanted advice on how to handle it.

I'm less worried about the inlaws as they won't be taking time off work so should visit less. My only concern with them is that it's harder for me to relax/be honest with them (just because I didn't grow up with them), so I need to figure out a way to get a backbone if they do become annoying.

A big test is when my mum comes to stay for a week (but in my house this time) in week three. I totally get why most people would appreciate this - and I do like my mum - but I'm one of those people who likes my own space, and I'm just worried I'll get irritated. Will be trying my best not to, however

I would love at least one day in the first week where it's just me, DH and the baby but I might have to wait until he's born to figure out the best way to achieve that.

Thanks again

i find it interesteing reading everyones thoughts on this subject, im more worried about people visiting than the actual birth itself, im not going to begrudge anyone visiting but they will only be allowed to stay for an hour tops regardless of who they are! i want to bond with my baby and not pass him around like a play thing, family and friends have his whole life to get to know him and if they cant hold on a few days after its been 9 months in the making then i find it very sad, thankfully there are only 2 people im worried about and those are the 2 im not that close 2 and dont mind offending!
love the comment about dp being at the jewellers, my friends dp went to tiffanys for her eternity ring before visiting the day after their daughter was born! he said after her traumatic labour he wouldnt dare not buy her the ring she had admired for months!

getthepartystarted - what truly lovely friends!!

we had my parents for the first night, tey live opposite end of the country and arrived the afternoon we got home from hosp, they cooked, cleaned and tided and had a quick cuddle..me first ..then baby...then daddy!!!! you are number one after all, you did all that labour. they stayed in a hotel 2nd night and then left, my mum cam up for ten days or so when dp went back to work, it was perfect......but during dp paternity leave his mum visited for 2 nights and 3 days, it was hard hard hard and i feel awful saying it, i dont really know her that well and felt so hormonal and possessive and got the 3/4 day blues when she was here, all i wanted to do was cuddle baby and b.feed in peace! had no choice on visit timing as she lives abroad and was luckily in country at time of birth, nice she saw grandchild early though. reulted in argue with dp when really you should be queen bee at least the first week and waited on etc etc and allowed to settle as family,,,,this time round...due any day, no family coming either side! till after dp back to work, as for friends popping round, they text first and if any one slips the net this time i will have absolutley no qualms about going upstairs and locking self, baby and toddler if needs be in bedroom!!! families eh?!?! one day i hope im a grandma and my daughter lets me come visit and help and interfer...after all, mum always knows best!

I would also like to add that I too feel a bit sad for all the excited grandparents who are not able to visit asap after the birth.

I guess I am lucky that when my MIL or parents stayed after the birth they were a help and it was a joy to see them with their new grandchild. They were also able to give me/us space with the baby.

In fact my mum helped me in the middle of the night when the baby blues had set in and the baby has been crying for hours...and I had joined in with her! I was extremely grateful to her for that.

My visitors have also been discrete enough to make themselves scarce for mw visits too.

I would also like to add that I was very upset when no one (apart from DGP) visited us for the first two weeks. I was dying to show her off!

Value the help you'll receive in those first few weeks. I had my first son in January and my family live in NZ so I had no-one to call on (apart from my DH). It is a hard slog so accept the help when it's offered, be grateful you have people to call on, and be assured that time will fly by!

mummyistheword unfortunately I feel the same about my MIL. She is coming from abroad anyway as she is celebrating a significant birthday and it's right around my due date. I feel a bit horrified by the fact that she has booked three weeks instead of just a week or 10 days and past experience tells me we might receive a few unexpected visits and even that she might expect to stay overnight sometimes. When I got married she was very put out that I didn't want her staying at my house the night before the wedding or turning up in the morning while I was getting ready so it's going to be hard having to tell her that I want space just after the baby is born. I really hope it is early so that I will have got used to all the changes by the time she arrives.

FWIW I don't want my own mum staying here either. Though she would never dream of just popping by without letting me know first. Similarly I never just pop in to see my mum, I always call to check it's ok first.

I had 2 very easy births I would have been able to see visitors very quickly.

And I can see if I am ever fortunate enough to become a grandmother I will be hoping to see the baby the next day at least.

BTW good luck with the birth!

Okaaay... most people on the thread seem very anti-families visiting but I would like to offer another perspective.

DH is from West Africa. It is inconceivable in his country of origin that a woman who has just given birth would be left alone without help or support from the extended family. Women there are literally not expected to lift a finger after giving birth and spend the first few months breastfeeding and little else.

If you are lucky enough to have lovely mothers and MILs who want to come and stay- yes, I said "lovely" - then make the most of them for heaven's sake. Don't see them as "visitors" who need waiting on, meals cooked for, beds preparing etc. See them as people who love and want to help you and let them do all the housework, all the cooking, all the shopping, all the looking after any other children and as a reward they will get to hold the baby while you have a bath, eat a meal in peace, and catch up on some sleep.

Seriously. It's all very well wanting to be seen to be doing everything and coping alone but when you are still in your pyjamas at 2pm, dirty dishes upto the ceiling and eating biscuits out of the tin for breakfast because your baby will not be put down, then you will really appreciate some extra hands.

I agree with everything that getthepartystarted says. And my family wasn't that bad!

Also, there will probably be a difference between your family and your DH's family. I have a lovely MIL, so no problems there, but after each of my deliveries, I have physically felt as though I had been hit by a bus. When my ILs were visiting, I had to go upstairs to breastfeed, so as not to offend or embarrass them (breastfeeding is not discrete in the early days!). The physical effort of going up and the stairs over and over reopened the wound on my uterus (where the placenta had been attached) and I started bleeding heavily. My FIL also commented about the fact that I was carrying a cushion around with me the whole time, so that I knew that I would have one to sit down on. Now that was a topic that I didn't want to discuss! It's just very difficult to deal with the constant breastfeeding and the physical discomfort around people who are naturally a bit shy and traditional. Even though they are not at all like the nightmare ILs that I read about on here.

I really offended my DH when I was postpartum with DD2. My parents were visiting to take DD1 out and give my some rest, and he said that if his Mum wasn't so busy at home that she would come and do the same, and I was honest enough to say that, no, she wouldn't. The early days really aren't" about the baby though. The baby really doesn't give a stuff who she or he meets. In fact, the baby would rather be with the parents the whole time. The early days are all about the mother and getting the mother back to health after what is often a difficult pregnancy and/or delivery (especially nowadays when we are all positively geriatric having our babies ). There is plenty of time after the postpartum stage for both sets of grandparents to have an equal relationship with the grandchild.

FortunateHamster, I had my first baby recently - I also thought I wouldn't need anybody besides my husband to take care of the baby. Boy was I wrong! It's impossible to understand now, but most likely you will be very thankful for your mother's help when the baby arrives. Your mum will likely be the best person you can have around - you can tell her what you need done & she will do it, she will put up with your emotional outbursts, and you will trust her with handling your baby. That's what I found anyway. She will also tell you that you're doing things right & build your confidence with the baby. Husbands just aren't the same.

Anyone other than family should wait for an invitation before they front up at your door - unless they just want to drop off a lasagna! Anyone offering food always welcome. You will have no time to cook.

I think it's going to be quite difficult for me, as 5 or 6 of my good friends live down the same street as me, and of course, they have children, who will also want to see the baby.

Surely everyone's parents are different though? They're not all lovely, fantastically helpful people. Mine mostly are, but I still have some issues! Eg MissBonpoint, I know what you mean, but I just don't have that sort of relationship with my mum. We get on okay, but she's not really a 'yes, you're doing it right' person, even when that's the exact answer I need to hear. Her help will be appreciated but am pretty sure she is coming for the baby and not for me (when I was struggling with infertility she never visited at all, so perhaps it is just tough for me to accept the sudden change to attention overload).

The breastfeeding discussion reminds me that I really must get DH to put the door back on the nursery room (where I imagine I'll BF when guests are around). It got taken off for putting the furniture in.

As I've tried to say before, I'm going in with an open mind and am hopeful that it'll all be fine anyway. I'm just a bit nervous in the run up. Due on Tuesday! (I think he'll be late though).

Thing is, there really are some of us for whom having someone there doing housework etc would be a nightmare. I am one of those people.

With my MIL arriving on my due date I am unfortunately going to be trying to get the house in some kind of shape, hiding washing baskets and clearing away clutter before she gets here. I don't need the stress frankly and would much rather short visits every few days and no interferance from people who think my priorities lie in housework!

As for my mum being the best person to have around post birth... well I think the best person to have around is my DH, the person who has seen me warts nd all trhough years of TTC, IVF and all sorts of things.

I want as few visitors as possible! I will be in hospital for a few days (CS) and plan to ask to be left alone for the first day, with parents and in laws only to visit on day 2 or 3 - so that they have seen the grandchild and don't feel the need to descend on the house as soon as we are home.

Once home we will have removed the spare bed to fit the cot in, so no one can try to stay overnight. Also plan to have freezer full of meals to avoid mother coming 'to cook' and staying for a week.

I understand why this sounds ungrateful but it all depends what kind of relationship you have with your family. I don't want people poking their heads round the door with 'advice' when I'm trying to breastfeed/wash my stitches/poo/work out how to change a nappy!