Don't shoot me but... what exactly is so hard about having a baby?

[Naivenewbie]

Ok, I know that sounds like I'm be deliberately provocative. I'm not really. But I'm expecting my first baby in 10 weeks (eek!) and am just wondering what specifically it is that turns your world upside down? Don't they just eat and sleep at the beginning? Seriously, don't think I'm taking the piss. I am just genuinely wondering why my house has to turn into a pig-sty, why I apparently won't be able to get out of my pyjamas before bedtime, cook a meal, wash my clothes etc. People keep implying these things to me and, whilst I am open to them (rather like my PJs actually), Im just wondering why it's the case...

I said to my friend recently about her new-born, can't you try to sleep when he does? And she said it's not that easy, you find so many things to do. And I'm wondering - WHAT?

Allets you are so right about taking help where it's offered, I didn't for some reason because I wanted to be seen to be coping (which I wasn't really).

When ds2 came along I took every bit of help going - meals were especially nice when they were brought round.

I left my dh when ds was 6 months and I coped OK with two of them - well I sorted of glided zombie like through it I think!

I still come home and sleep sometimes at lunch times and try not to go back to work with creases in my face! Sleeping is not a waste of the day.

Naivenewbie thank you so much for posting this. It did make me snigger like a teenager when someone farts!

Here's the thing: when babies are sleeping you are worrying about the fact that they are sleeping (are they breathing?) when they are not sleeping, they are feeding or pooping and you are alternatively wiping, feeding, burping, removing vomit or trying to get them back to sleep.

Fast forward six weeks: same thing but with more sick, while holding a rattle and having had next to no sleep for six weeks. Oh and the crying hits a pitch at this point.

Fast forward six weeks more - your baby is twelve weeks and maternal insecurity kicks in why isn't my baby sleeping more, why doesn't she feed continually/not gain weight/not roll over already like the precocious kid down the road. More tiredness.

By about four months you do find it starts to feel normal to be knackered and you remember the name of that bloke in the house who you have been shouting at for not understanding your sleepy grunts indicating that you'd really appreciate him making you a cup of tea instead of a mess to clear up thanks very much.

So it is easy in terms of the individual tasks are easy but from when you are in the middle of it, it feels hard!

But please do come back when your baby is six weeks old and tell us how you are coping.

It will turn your life upside-down naivenewbie but, after initial zombieness and sleep deprivation, you will feel like your life is suddenly
4-Dimensional, HD, surround-sound compared to life bc. Bring it on!

Ha!

You're always playing 'catch up' from the end of pregnancy/effects of the birth. From 34 weeks onwards, everythings much more of a slog anyway so you're not on top of the house for a start, even with a month of mat leave prior to the birth as in my case. Cleaning half the bathroom was as much as I could do in one day at that point, then I was shattered. (DH was doing heaps of overtime in preparation for rubbish mat pay so he was not getting much done in the house either).

Then you go and give birth - if you have forceps like me, going to standing up from sitting down was a major (and painful) acheivement, it took weeks before it wasn't a thought to get off the sofa.Birth can be a huge physical trauma and it's only now I really appreciate how long it's taken me to recover.

Plus you start off parenting sleep deprived no matter what time of day you give birth as hormones ensure you can't sleep easily when you might be able to for days if not weeks and eventually you start to feel like you have a bad, bad case of jet leg (hyper one minute, spaced out the next).

Add in a baby who feeds constantly, and starts to cry when you're halfway through anything constructive, who poos all over themselves just as you're heading out the door (to emergency bath standard), etc. etc., then maybe you'll start to see why housework just doesn't get done. Brcause when you have a spare minute, you don't want to get the ironing board out, you want a cup of tea and a trashy TV programme.

And why the hell shouldn't you? I love being a mum but it's the most full-time job I have ever had.

For me the hardest thing was the worry and level of responsibility. I didn't have anyone to worry about before ds and although we had a mortgage and jobs we could just chuck them in and go backpacking around Africa if we really wanted to. Having children changes everything it really does.

I used to raise my eyebrows at my sil as she was constantly moaning about what hard work it was but I really had no idea. The stress is different from work, I don't have that nervous feeling that you get when presenting in front of an important client but you can't switch off from it and knowing that you have to have enough money to pay for their upbringing just adds to the stress. And I would rather lose 100 important clients than go through the anguish that you experience when your child is unwell.

the problem is, when your first baby is born, you spend the first few weeks/months desperately trying to maintain a semblance of "normality" ie to continue your life as before. you are desperate to sleep, wash in peace, potter about, blow dry your hair, go out, regain control of your body etc

then you spend the rest of your life wishing yourself back to those days and wondering why you ever bothered with doing anything when you should have just gone to bed with your precious bundle next to you and luxuriate in his/her smell, sounds and sight...

when you have your second dc (and i imagine subsequent ones) you have no choice but to quickly go back to your previous life and, while somehow it is much, much easier (although rationally it shouldn't be), it's all tinged with so much regret that you can't "do the baby thing" properly.

having a baby is terribly hard really, and also terribly wonderful. just let yourself be taken over by it, and it will be much easier. i wish i had life will eventually sort itself out

hum, i didn't enjoy my easy sleepy first newbie v much...i just don't like newborns. sleep, wake feed...sleep.

v. boring.

second was much more fun..sleep (play with toddler) feed (toddler cbeebies!) sleep (feed toddler) etc....

though the sleeping part really depends on the baby. there are those babies that really do drive their parents past insanity with sleep deprivation....just because they are like that.

What the nice midwife lady said about how you love them. God so much it really does tear your heart out like SOH says, and like the lentil weaver lady said you do feel like you have connected to the world. I think it's like seeing life in colour for the first time. Absolutely mind-blowing.
I had real problems bf'ing so ended up pumping and ff'ing so a lot of our early months were spent slogging round various breast-feeding cafes (sort out where your local ones are now and maybe even go along and see if someone will let you see how it's done - I really didn't have a clue. Had thought 'how difficult can it be!").
Expressing meant that my DH could do one of the night feed so I got some sleep, and also that I could take my dd out and about and not worry about public feeding.
I would recommend sharing it all with your DP too. Some mums I know take it all on themselves and really struggle and daddy feels marginalised.
Since having my DD I have never felt such happiness, it has been fantastic. Good luck!

My DS wouldn't be put down for a second. For the first few weeks I had to sleep with him on my chest and the real challenge started when my DH went back to work.

It's hard to have a poo when you're sat on the loo with your newborn sat on your knee because he wont let you put him down without screaming. Especially when you're constipated because your pelvic floor muscles have given up the ghost!

When you have your second you can't quite figure out why having the first was so difficult.

Am desperately hoping that I will find the same with the third too!! (currently 32 weeks!)

I think mystic masseuse has hit the nail on the head that you just try to do normal things when you have your first and you can't because life is totally different now. It is fantastic though and wonderful in so many ways

i love this. It reminds of when we were expecting DD and my DH said to me that we wouldn't be as frazzled as all of our friends with newborns because I am so organised and pragmatic.

I knew that was rubbish but he had an extremely rude awakening.

Good luck OP, can I just say please do revist your post in a few months

I think it depends on your expectations really.
I left work, with no intention of returning & fully expecting to devote my time to my pfb. I had a good pregnancy & birth, i breastfed & loved every thing about the ''boring'' routine.. I didn't really have a social life as such, but this honestly did not phase me, yes i think i was sometimes drawn back to thinking about going back to work, but i worked as a childminder & this was good for us both.

The time they are little is so short compared to the rest of your life, a really tiny part, so let them have it. The effort is worth it in the long run.
In answer to the op. no , i didn't find any part of it hard at all, but then i didn't do anything else..

It is only as hard as you let it be. As long as you remember that it is a natural occurance. It's just one more member added to your family. My DD had her first one at 19 and was so calm and relaxed that consequently baby was the same. She just went with the flow. Has had 3 more since and all have been the same. Baby is 6 months old. sleeps smiles and eats. Sometimes you forget she is there. Having said that, I was the opposite with my first. I think it all depends on which way your hormones jump and how difficult or easy the birth is. I worried constantly, watched him breathing,phoned the Dr when he was 6 months to see if I could take him for a swim. I am amazed by my DD. She has had 4 children, a teaching degree plus theology degree a mortgage a loving and helpful DH but I think it is all because she regarded childbirth as an extension of her life. Not like my nephew"s DW. "I'm a mother now, I can"t possibly do anything else."

The 1st one is so hard because it is all totally new. Even if you have a relaxed, non colicky baby and you are a relaxed no stitches mum , everything is different from how it was before.

Nappies and breastfeeding/making up bottles, dressing a tiny wriggling thing, not being able to go to bed when you want, eat when you want, have a poo when you want.

It takes time to adjust and get used to it all.

I am on no 5. By number 4 I was up and taking the others to school in a couple of days but it could all go haywire if DC 5 is fretful or doesnt feed or I have to have a c section etc.

Take nothing for granted

Dont try and be the same as before you had a baby (you arent) and it will make things that bit easier.

ROFL you sound exactly I did. I even let the cleaner go. And then I was hit by a train. Good luck it is all I can say!

PS: I do not mean to laugh at you at all. It is just that no matter how many people will tell you and try to explain it to you in so many details you will not believe them, you will keep thinking they are softy and lazy and wimps and you will think it is all pants.
Then one day after so many tears you will say 'sorry' openly or not to those who had given birth before you and will kneel at their feet and say "now I know and I will spread the word so that nobody else is fooled in the same way"... and the circle continues...

I have 3 ds and I have found it pretty much easy. I had my ds1 when I was 19, on my own, had an awful delivery failed ventouse + forceps. I took him home and I always wondered and still wonder why people go on about how hard it all is.
I haven't worked 'properly' since ds1 11 years ago but I am a full time student at University and have just taken on a voluntary job with the CAB. I was a single parent for a good few years too, only recently, since ds3 have I had a partner.
For the most part though I have found parenting very easy. I am a very laid back person and all my boys seem to be too. I just don't 'get' all the anxiety surrounding being a parent. I really have found pretty much every asepct easy though- maybe I am a really shit mum though and I just can't see it

my motto as a new mum was "this is what maternity leave is for". Yes, it is all kind of crazy, but I didn't put any demands on myself to do anything other than breastfeed & look after baby in first few weeks. It's an attitude that really worked I'm pleased to say.

My daughter was born mid November, and it rained for 2 weeks - I think that helped as I lost all sense of time - seemed to be dark all the time. Just asleep, awake etc - TV on demand is great!

Oh and remember one other motto "newborn babies are random creatures".

Good luck!

No abit, you are not a shit mum. You're a normal mum. Sometimes I think the younge you are when you have your first, the more relaxed and conficent you are.

Although breastfeeding is amazing and there are lots of benefits for me it took....hours. Dd fed from 7 - 11 every night I am not exaggerating. I kind of didnt mind because she would then sleep from 11-6 at 8 weeks (wow especially after dd1 being a non sleeper). But doing this for 5 months nearly finished me off. And she was the easy baby...

OP,at the mo you probably get unbroken sleep.

with baby you will be disturbed every few hours will have to get up and feed,settle and burp etc.unfortunately not all newborns just sleep.some do, some dont

tiredness is perniciouss and will render you near immobile and practically speechless

the laundry mountain will engulf you

you need to try maintain some order, but do get online groceries and get them to carry into kitchen

do have some treats, wine, a takeaway, haircut
do get out daily even for wee walk
don't beat yourself up aiming for perfection.just be good enough
do listen to advice BUT do your own thing
no book or baby guru knows your baby like you do trust your own instincts

what worked for me was planning and getting up at regular time,getting out but most of all trusting my instincts

I love this thread! I'm currently thinking about having children and am finding it very difficult to really understand how my life would change if I do. Thank you for all the details and explaining the intense combination of wonderful/amazing and exhausting/overwhelming.

The OP is very wrong/naive and quite right in equal measures.

First 2 weeks are horrendous. Giving birth is like being in a car crash and you will be in significant pain, exhausted and bleeding heavily whilst trying to teach yourself and lo to bf (neither of you will have the faintest idea and failure means starvation/dehydration for your lo which is quite stressful). I wandered around looking and feeling like the living dead. Not fun.

Since the pain subsided and we learnt to breastfeed (get to a good counsellor asap) it has been easy - having a baby is a joy and looking after one is really just joining together a whole bunch of mundane tasks and working anti-social hours. My day job was far more difficult!

My dd will be 6 weeks tomorrow.

it's lovely. i loved every minute of my first babies early weeks.

just go with the flow, make no plans, limit visitors, dont worry about getting dressed, eat and sleep when you feel like it and enjoy your little baby because it goes WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!

and next minute you are rushing them to school, forgetting their lunch, forgot to wash their face, pick them up take them to their afterschool activity, etc etc etc and all the time they are talking 100 miles per hour and asking all impossible questions ... but that bits lovely too.

Congratulations!

x

My top tip for the early weeks is that visitors are very welcome as long as they bring food!
I did this with my dd, as I had lots of friends who wanted to come and coo. It works really well as long as (like my dd) they're happy for a short while, as long as someone is holding them. You can then hand baby over for long enough to eat the food and everyone is happy.

I was very lucky I had a couple of friends who would bring several portions of homemade soup each time they visited. I would find myself eating it at 5 in the morning, when i was exhausted, but starving hungry from feeding dd.

I had a packet of fig rolls and a pint of water with me at all times - day and night. Was permanently hungry/thirsty while breastfeeding.