Don't shoot me but... what exactly is so hard about having a baby?

[Naivenewbie]

Ok, I know that sounds like I'm be deliberately provocative. I'm not really. But I'm expecting my first baby in 10 weeks (eek!) and am just wondering what specifically it is that turns your world upside down? Don't they just eat and sleep at the beginning? Seriously, don't think I'm taking the piss. I am just genuinely wondering why my house has to turn into a pig-sty, why I apparently won't be able to get out of my pyjamas before bedtime, cook a meal, wash my clothes etc. People keep implying these things to me and, whilst I am open to them (rather like my PJs actually), Im just wondering why it's the case...

I said to my friend recently about her new-born, can't you try to sleep when he does? And she said it's not that easy, you find so many things to do. And I'm wondering - WHAT?

I do remember after DS2 was born, sometimes I was so tired that even breathing was an effort

Hi not read all the posts but had to say something, because I honestly I felt as you do now - WHY ALL THE FUSS?

Well because its very hard as everyone's pointed out... And to make it harder YOU are not important anymore. Your relationships suffer, your social life is rubbish, you don't get to relax or spend anytime on your self, unless its the middle of the night or let's see - about 11:30 at night.

And your DH will swan off to work everyday and come home for the smiles and the cuddles, and be fairly refreshed.... which gets irritating.

Your days can be relentless and monotonous!

But you will have a wonderful love for this child and that cannot be underestimated.

Best to show this thread to your DH and manage his expectations a bit!!

Good luck.

It's not that it's so hard, it's just that it's so very different. Overnight you have to put someone else first, not just sometimes but all the time and that's more life changing than you can imagine. I remember thinking it would be lovely if you could just pause the baby now and again. It's all-consuming and even having had 5 children I'd say the first is the most shocking, that change from non-parent to parent, that's the most profound.

I totally disagree. The first two weeks are magical, no way 'horrendous'

horrendous sums up my first few weeks,doesn't mean i think that of baby means events were horrendous

Oh, POOR OP!

This thread has made me laugh so much. And I wouldn't disagree with any of it, it's just impossible to convey what it's really like, which is wonderful and terrible at the same time. Best of times and worst of times.

OP, you'll be fine. And if you're not, Mumsnet is here to help

the most profund bit is the me to we switch.

The hardest thing about having a baby is controlling yourself when your partner comes home and says "what have you done all day?"

AHHHHHHHH Ha ha ha ha ha!

You poor, poor, deluded lady.

Good luck.

lolol
well my lo is 7 weeks now and tbh i'm not finding it all that hard (so far anyway ) yes 9 times out of 10 he won't let me put him down so myself and DH carry him around all the time - i sometimes call him 'the shoulder dweller' for that. But on the bright side that means 24/7 cuddles ;) It suddenly dawned on me tho why so many mums complain of 'dodgy' backs. The sling as a lifesaver but if you do get one (and it's well worth it) my advice go for a wrap-around one like kari-me or moby as they distribute the baby's weight much better than structured carriers.
Yes b/feeding can be really tough at first and if the midwife hadn't shown me on day 2 how to latch him on properly i'd have gone insane. No amount of "how to" reading or even videos help until you get some hands-on help. Oh, and please ditch that pointless b/feeding booklet they shove in your face at the hospital. And the old "if the latch is good it won't hurt" is total bollox.
besides, b/feeding makes me awfully hungry and thirsty so i carry a pack of shortbreads with me wherever i go (fills me up much better than chocolate and none of the choc's allergy risks!)
i do manage hot meals tho. However if you do get round to cooking make sure you cook 3 times as much and freeze what you don't eat - will save you so much time. Another thing you could do is make lots of cheese sandwiches, freeze them and then when you need a quick bite just stick them in the grill/oven/microwave for 2 minutes
Can't remember who mentioned it first, but a thermos flask of hot drink is a must - not just at night but during the day too, as by the time you finally fed/changed/burped/calmed your baby your cuppa is sad and cold.
Yes babies don't read parenting books and don't know what they are supposed to be doing. My lo for instance completely changes the way he does things every time i think i've figured out a pattern. So books like gina ford's make me want to set fire not just to the book but to the author herself. Babies aren't robots to do everything by the minute and hammering them into a rigid routine is like training a lark to sing at sunset, imho.
I do get some sleep (i'm good at cat-napping) and sleeping with the snuggly warm little thing next to you is the best thing ever - if you're afraid of hurting him/her do it during the day while DH or someone else can keep an eye on you. I personally discovered that unless i'm totally knackered i wake up with his every winge. At night i sometimes have him sleep on my chest, on his tummy - that way he's much less likely to get trapped wind.
Oh, and he does get wind an awful lot - ever since i developed an infection at 3 weeks postpartum and had to take antibiotics which completely wrecked his gut (even tho i was told it was completely safe! So he gets wind anywhere between 5 and 555 times in any 24-hour period, often in mid-feed, and often the screaming gets to the point when it won't do to just rub his back - he wants to be walked around and sung to which when it gets really bad can last for hours. Last week he was having a growth spurt and 4 days of wind from hell. By the end of day 3 i was at the end of me tether - and i've always thought of myself as having an enormous patience!
Oh, and btw NEVER make the mistake of thinking that your baby's screaming is bad temper (at least not with young baby) - i got cross with my lo a couple of times only to discover an hour later that i'd forgotten to change his soiled nappy/he had trapped wind which wouldn't come out for an hour - and then i got hysterical over being a bad mother and poor DH had to deal with two cry-babies!
Oh and i can't even begin to imagine how i would cope if i were a single mother, or if DH was a cr*p dad.
What gets me is, how can all ya repeat offenders on here say it's easier 2nd time round! How can it be easy with all that - AND a hyper toddler who never sleeps/wants to play all the time/chucks stuff all over the place/takes everything to mouth/generally reeks havock???

oh, and 1 week after my lo was born a friend who's got 2 kids and a third on the way texted saying, "you probably forgot what life before baby was all about". How very true

I think it depends on how organised you are. How well prepared and designed your house is for a baby. How cleverly you have predicted storage etc.

But for the slatterns among us. I just found you spend the whole day just feeding, changing nappies, doing laundry, cooking and trying to organise mountains of clothes.

It just depends. Some women get their s* together quickly. Some of them are very organised and hard working. Some of them have staff and parents/family who live nearby!

When slebs brag about doing all their own childcare they fail to mention the cleaners, gardeners, drivers, cooks, housekeepers some of them have.

oh, RE sleep deprivation
sorry if it's been mentioned coz i skipped a few pages but..

try and forget that your day starts at 7 or 8 or 9 a.m. or any particular time at all. If your baby wouldn't sleep till 5 a.m. but is fine in the morning just keep on sleeping. Sod it if you only get up properly at 3 p.m. Better you get some rest at the cost of everything else than your baby gets an overtired nerve-wrecked mother!

And if you're a bath person.. get used to showering! It's easier to grab a 2-minute shower while your baby is watching the cot mobile than to desperately try and have a proper hot bath all day and feel dirty and miserable.

GOOD LUCK and i'm sure you'll love it (tho maybe not every single second )

there are different kinds of babies & different kinds of parents.

after the frist couple of weeks (when i was quite ill) i found the early baby stage quite easy. whilst on mat leave i had the house clean & tidy, re-organised the garage, and even got to the point of ironing dh's boxers. by 10 am each morning the chores were done & we were ready to go out & have fun each day.

but then, i worked in a busy job & was used to be organised, under time pressure & getting things done quickly. i also managed to sort out sleep so that i could nap in the pm, and i wasn't too sleep deprived.

if you're usually pretty sorted, you may well cope fine. of course, there are just 'those' babies who throw a spanner in the works & even the most effecient of parents would struggle to keep going.

For me it was fairly hard, because I'm just not a baby person. I find the whole dependency thing very stifling, and I get bored really easy, and for me babies are quite boring.
However I had a very easy first baby, latched on immediately, four hourly feeds that didn't take too long, slept well etc. So the early stages of babyhood were not difficult. I don't recall doing much cleaning though, but then I don't usually do much housework. I have a feeling that dh probably did most of that (he's a good husband on the whole).
It was my second baby that was a nightmare, very very clingy (which frankly I hated, but I suspect that some other mums might have really liked) feed little and often and screamed and screamed. Oh and I had labrynthitis, which was scary.

So I think you should take from this that all babies bring different challenges, and different parents cope differently with them. And that that's not a judgment on either the parent or the baby.

The practical tips are good too, and remember that if something is not working for you there are probably several other ways of doing things that might not be what you had in mind, but that might work for you.

You sound like I did. Well you'll soon have baby bath & changing stuff in the bathroom, toys & bouncy chair in the sitting room and a moses basket by the bed. Some babies sleep but not all. Pray for one that does.

The first few weeks for me included anaemia and thrush deep in the mammary glands. The first makes you feel like death, the second just hurts. The midwife spotted the first and the GP missed the second. The local cowman (yes humiliation reached new heights) finally told me what was wrong.

The baby will get loads of visitors at the weekend who all expect coffee and biscuits and to see you looking your best but you'll have no-one to talk to during the week because everyone normal works. Hence mumsnet.

Going out is a military operation. You dress the baby, then yourself, then change the baby who's thrown up in the meantime. (babywipes are essential, they get anything off anything). Those public babychange rooms are vile and breast feeding in a cafe is still frowned on so any trip is limited to about two hours.

But you will get used to it. You'll learn to change nappies in the car without getting poo on the seats and to become invisible while breastfeeding, which can also be done while 99% asleep. You'll learn to do everything else one-handed (except slicing an onion - never quite nailed that one).

By the time you go back to work you'll be invaluable because your time management, organisation skills and tolerance will be superhuman.

Just make sure you introduce your baby to a good childminder early on and be sure to demand help before you get to breaking point.

You'll be fine.

hi

haven't read the whole thread so am probably saying nothing new but one thing I thought worth mentioning about C sec: I had one after failing to progress and my recovery from that was SO mush easier and more straightforward than many mums I know who had months of soreness and general problems "down there". Obviously the first two weeks or so are a little more difficult but with support its fine. Just didn't want you to be too freaked / worried if you do have to have CS. If I am offered one (assuming there is a next time) I will probably say yes please! Other than that, yes, its hard, but best piece of advice I can give is go with it, if your baby will only sleep on you, let them! there's a lot of great daytime TV (no really - anyway seen Portland Babies??)

Well, either you've all scared her away or it was a wind-up...

Wow - I feel so much better after reading all of the above - Me and newborn have just made it to four months.

For me the tough bit was the mental side - problems with ill baby failure to breastfeed were really hard, but the overwhelming feelings of complete responsibility / guilt / failure really got in the way.

Now the PND is undercontrol and I realise that perhaps I wasn't a complete failure after all! I have a gorgeous boy who I love to bits and am starting to really enjoy things Worth all the difficulties, no question

Horrendous pretty much sums up our experience with DD2 who is just 20 weeks..

I knew it would be hard with 2 (hadn't found it easy with DD1)but nothing prepared me for this.

I didn't know the meaning of sleep deprivation till now (getting up once or twice a night like we did with DD1 is nothing compared to this), i still don't get more than about 1.5 hours unbroken sleep in a stretch, can't put her down, she cries on and off most of the day.

Made me realise how easy we had it with DD1.

All babies are different, but even if it is an easy baby (which I now realise DD1 was) it still is a massive change that nothing prepares you for till you are in the throws of it..

Oh and they have built in sensors. You get in the bath/shower, they cry. You go to the loo (can take ages at first due to soreness etc.) they cry. You heat up a ready-made lunch, they cry. You feed them, heat it up again, they cry. Repeat as necessary. And you have to eat it cold anyway as they won't let you put them down, so you're eating with one hand and baby on one arm.

As for getting out of the house? I don't mean for fun, just to buy bread or go to the postbox. Baby cries for milk. You feed them. They poo. You change them. They want another feed. Repeat ad infinitum. An hour later you might get through the door. I was better about this stuff with the 2nd baby though, you just have to be, so for one thing I got the hang of breast-feeding while walking around.

Evenings hubby was home but baby only wanted me at first (breastfeeding). Luckily he was great with chores, it was weeks before I could do as much as chop an onion or wash a few dishes even when he was there (the crying sensor would switch on again).

This thread is hilarious. I was EXACTLY the same as the OP before DS arrived and turned my world upside down. I had looked after children before/have lots of nieces and nephews but however many people tell you how hard it will be you just can't comprehend it until it actually happens toyou. He's now 6.5 months and my advice to any new mum is just do whatever you can to survive the first 6 weeks. After that you feel slightly more in control.

What was so hard? Not sleeping AT ALL for 2 days after DS was born - couldn't sleep as too scared he would stop breathing. Nipple thrush and the associated agony. Stitches - I couldn't sit down in a normal seat for 6 weeks. HOrmones - all over the shop. Baby blues - crying and crying and crying and not knowing why I was crying on days 3-5. Visitors - too many. Crying baby - other people's babies crys don't bother you in the same way as yours crying does. Your baby's cry is designed to get YOU specifically to respond to him/her and my god it works. When DS cried in the early days (and even now actually) it was like someone was reaching into my chest and ripping out my heart - I would have done ANYTHING to make him feel happy again. Feeding - takes hours and hours. Enjoy that though - you can watch lots of crappy TV/films. Sleeping - they don't sleep for long or when you want them to or where you want them to. Usually on you so you can't move/sleep/get stuff done. I could go on but I won't

One thing to point out is that in spite of all of this it is the BEST thing you can ever do and you will love that baby with a strength you could never have imagined.

Good luck and enjoy - it goes so quickly - they don't stay newborn for long so cherish every second x x x

I too thought this before having dd - I remember reading some book about baby routines that said she would be sleeping 6 hours during the day in the beginning

• and I honestly believed that during her first "2 hour" nap I would have a sleep to freshen up from the night wakenings, and that during her second "2 hour nap" I would do a daily yoga dv while on mat leave and get into top shape in no time at all and be super hot mum!!!

I really thought all my friends with babies were being drama queens, and secretly felt that I would cope so much better than they...

Parenting is the best lesson in humility

I am expecting my second in 5 weeks and was talking about this with another expectant mum. My theory is - and something that is rarely mentioned - that your body/mind is programmed (be it by hormones or other chemical reactions) to go into a state of heightened anxiety in order to manage the first few weeks. I say this as it seems that however strong, independent, capable you are coping with a newborn is universally hard. Once you have done it and your babe is about 6 months you look back at that time and think 'what was so tough'? We need to be good friends to one another and tell each other that finding it hard doesn't make us weak or incapable but merely human.

To echo what has been said already having a baby is one of the toughest things we will do but also the most rewarding.

I have been thinking about this thread all night and I would be completely petrified if I read this before my first child. Yes, having a baby is lifechanging and yes it can be hard. My first, as I said before, was quite frankly a complete nightmare and he didn't stop crying for 5 months but I still didn't find it as depressing as the picture so many people have painted.

For me, the key was to be organised. Before the birth do a batch of meals ie casseroles, bolognaise and curries so that you have something to eat, it IS hard to cook with a newborn. Have an online tesco order with all your basics and just press send weekly and you'll have staples

Go to Primark now and get some post pregnancy clothes such as leggings and tunics or some comfy sweats and tops and get dressed every morning before your partner goes to work. I have never stayed in my PJ's all day and I always advise friends to get dressed first thing and then you're ready to face the day, even if you go and have a sleep in your clothes. I had a bath / shower in the evening leaving DH to deal with screaming baby.

Keep a changing mat and changing stuff in the lounge as well as the bedroom so that you can do quick changes when they poo before leaving home without treking about the house.

As soon as you can get out everyday, check out post natal groups / breastfeeding groups, spy quite areas of your local coffee shop where you'll be able to feed discreetly now and put them on your fridge. Even the grumpiest babies will often settle on a walk or car drive.

Yes, you'll get caught out when when your baby poos on his clothes and you haven't got spares or the sticky bits will come off your last nappy but you'll become a pro at improvising or running into mothercare regularly but keep a spare of nappies / wipes/ cheapy babygrows in your car boot and buggy as well as your changing bag and you'll manage to sort something out.

It's hard and it's lifechanging but it doesn't have to be desperate and impossible at all even if you've got a grumpy baby like I had. My days with him were much easier if we got out and about and rest assured he grew out of it he's now the most delightful happy 7 year old I've ever met. We'll see if I eat my words when #3 arrives in a few months time