Don't shoot me but... what exactly is so hard about having a baby?

[Naivenewbie]

Ok, I know that sounds like I'm be deliberately provocative. I'm not really. But I'm expecting my first baby in 10 weeks (eek!) and am just wondering what specifically it is that turns your world upside down? Don't they just eat and sleep at the beginning? Seriously, don't think I'm taking the piss. I am just genuinely wondering why my house has to turn into a pig-sty, why I apparently won't be able to get out of my pyjamas before bedtime, cook a meal, wash my clothes etc. People keep implying these things to me and, whilst I am open to them (rather like my PJs actually), Im just wondering why it's the case...

I said to my friend recently about her new-born, can't you try to sleep when he does? And she said it's not that easy, you find so many things to do. And I'm wondering - WHAT?

SOH, I just have to say every post of yours is spot on. Brilliance.

Am I really the only one who found the sleep deprivation no problem?

Honestly, I thought there was some hormone or something that kicked in, especially if bf, that helped you cope? I never really had any problem with it, even with DS who didn't sleep through till about 2.

But then I genuinely didn't find any of it hard. And that's not meant to be smug; it's just me. I recovered from the c-sections (elective) very rapidly too - I went out to dinner, both times, 4 days after they were born (took them in the pram, I'm not quite Colleen Rooney!)

Anyway...just to balance some of the other stories. It isn't always hell for the first few months (though on the evidence so far I would seem to be in minority!)

...identify, even

We all seem to be complaining about life with a new baby... yes it is hard for all the reasons that have been mentioned (and then some) but shouldn't we tell our friend that the arrival of your first child (and any baby for that matter) the most awesome and earth shatteringly amazing thing to happen in life?

Enjoy and cherish the beginning of your life as a mother. Everyday will bring challenges but its all about the first smile to the first time they say I love you and onwards...

As for how hard it really is... just get surround yourself with wonderful people who don't care if your house is a mess and love you even if you are always in your PJs! To be honest no one ever really notices how your doing except you!

Has anyone mentioned "What Mothers Do: especially when it looks like nothing" yet?

OP - get a copy - it probably won't make much sense antenatally but try re-reading it when your baby is 2 or 3 months old

It's a piece of piss. Dont worry.

I didn't find the newborn stage difficult as such as it's obvious what has to be done but it is relentless and you lose control of your own destiny. I think it's worse if you have an easy pregnancy - weeks of being unable to move, do laundry or hoover from hyperemesis do help prepare you for having to go with the flow.

I found it easier to go with the flow second time. I think that's key - don't expect it to be awful but don't expect to be in control as you won't be and setting yourself up for feeling like a failure brings PNA or PND into the picture.

I thought like this and then I realized how wrong I had been but I got over it and my ds 3 is now a perfect angel and I have a dd and I am also considering a third just remember it gets easier.

Starlight - plus I suppose you know that it doesn't last forever - people used to say it would get better but I couldn't see how my screaming, refusing to feed, refusing to sleep baby would ever turn into one of those smiley, babbling, rolling around babies that other people had!

Malfoy you are so right.

My DD was a delightful baby, slept well, ate well, never cried, was only exorcist sick once in the first year, so I think I did have it quite easy in that respect. So while that part wasn't particularly difficult, recovering from an emergency c-section, being overwhelmed with the responsibility that parenthood brings and wondering what the hell we'd done by having a baby, plus (in my case) having to adjust to being at home full time during maternity leave challenged me much more.

even though everything everyone says about sleep and not being able to get dressed and overwhelming fear that you're somehow going to accidentally kill them and you need to check they're still breathing every half an hour....in spite of all that, within a minute of ds being born all i could think was 'i want to do that again' and that feeling hasn't gone away.

hormones are magical and better than drugs at keeping you awake when you need to be. and there's always costa.

oh, and get a cleaner. definitely.

OP - having a baby is hard as you go through the birth process (which is something new to you - no matter what preparation you have done in advance) which is pretty exhausting and then all of a sudden you have a baby to care for - feed, keep clean and safe, comfort and introduce to the world - 24/7. The responsibility feels immense and when you add that to your hormones bouncing all over the place and sleep deprivation and recovering from your birth it does all feel quite hard - but it is also immensely rewarding and worth every second.

HopefortheBest - those things aren't that rare, but I guess that having all of them is. dd1 was a straightforward birth and a nightmare from then on. ds2 is the world's best sleeper and so laidback when awake - but his birth involved intensive care for both of us.

My answer to the OP is, enjoy the rest of your pg, and when the baby comes, take it one day at a time. Or one hour at a time. You'll be a great mum and your baby will be lovely.

OK, that wasn't an answer. It's not really an answerable question is it? More of an "you've got to be there" thing.

what a great thread.. and I agree with most that has been said.

DS1 was a complete nightmare . I'll say three things that saved my sanity.
1: the hoover trust me it has magic powers to aid babies sleep.. and the doublebonus is you get a clean house

2:The washing machine.. if baby is placed infrom\nt of the washing machine.. they tendto sleep.. and you get your washing done at the same time.

1. a sling.

the other 2 were absolutly no problem what so ever and were in fact very easy.( not sure if this was just in comparison to ds1 though)

but no matter what you hear from other people.. enjoy it , take it easy on yourself and go with the flow.

Remember that a lot of us who have posted on here have more than one child so let that be the story you take... it can't actually be that bad

Umm, actually, if you are lucky enough not to be suffering from PND, or any physical complications, and your baby takes easily to feeding and has no health complications and doesn't suffer from colic, and you are a practical confident kind of person with lots of people around you going through the same thing (NCT Tea Group - invaluable) then it CAN be just as you hope it will be . You have to have the discipline to tell yourself that you WILL sleep during the day when the baby sleeps - turn the phone off, etc, and you will quickly get the hang of a sling so that you can cart the baby about with you to go shopping etc.

I dind't find being Mum of a newborn hard. It was lovely.

Expect to sit around for hours bf-ing - it does take a long time - but you can read (once you get the hang of that), watch DVDs etc. Oh, and larn to bf lying down in bed - I went to a bf workshop where a new mum demonstrated how it's done.

Good luck, and enjoy your baby.

I thought that at about the same time into my pregnancy. In fact I was so sick that I couldn't wait for it to be over. I figured that looking after a newborn would be a piece of p1ss.

Ds arrived 7 weeks early, very very poorly and my first 6 months were absolute hell. The only good thing I can say of that period is I know now that there is nothing I cannot cope with. Sleep deprivation was the least of my worries.

Haven't read much of what has been said but even if you have an easy baby, which I did and and love it - the main thing I found was that it is relentless! No breaks, no chance to regroup, catch up on sleep - well thats the case if you are bfing. No-one can do it for you!! And that scared the crap out of me Oh and the sleep deprivation just grinds you down.

Someone said on here that too many of these posts were negative and that it is as easy as you want it to be. But I think the OP may be helped by our sotires of the hard bits because for me one of the worst bits of being a first-time mum was thinking I was doing it all wrong because I found it so hard. I thought:

It must be my fault that the baby does not sleep as much as she should.
It must be my parenting that she does not drink enough milk
It must be my inadequacy that I can't find time to shower, clean the house, cook etc etc.

When I finaly met some mums going through the same things as me I felt an enormous relief.

It is not as easy as you want it to be because you cannot control everything about your baby. It may have reflux, it may be more wakeful than others, you may have pnd. You just don't know. BUT you may also have a baby that sleeps easily, you may breastfeed easily, you may have a baby that slips into a lovely routine. There are many babies like that.

Itis just invaluable to know at 3am in the dark hours when you feel the world is sleeping and you are the only one awake, that you are not alone.

To me it was an experience of extremes - extreme pleasure, beauty and wonder as well as extreme exhaustion, worry and tears some days.

But I am desperate for another and it is beyond worth it.

DH and I have often spoken about this since having our first child (we now have 3).

We had absolutely NO idea of the impact he would have on our lives.

The labour was good - very painful and I was very frightened towards the end but a good outcome with no complications for me or DS.

I elected to go home the same day - the hospital was crap, it was overheated and over crowded. I was on a post birth high and just couldn't wait to get home.

Fastforward 6 weeks.

DH and I hadn't had more than an hour of consecutive sleep. DS deveoped colic at 3 weeks and screamed day and night. We were both exhausted, not sure what to do with this screaming ball of rage and just totally bewildered. I always say that DS's first 6 weeks were the hardest weeks of my life. We had no support - not 1 single family member or friend with young children so we had to wing it.

I know that all sounds very depressing but it is the reality of many new parents. Forewarned is forearmed and all of that. Besides which - you did ask

My tips:

Line up the help and TAKE the help
Sleep when the baby sleeps (which will mean letting the housework slide)
Accept that you have no control over what the baby does and when - this was a big one for me. Once I accepted that DS was an individual and wouldn't be persuaded to do anything he didn't want to do I was a lot happier.
Don't try and be superwoman. I think that staying at home in your PJ's should be mandatory until a baby is at least 6 weeks old.

FWIW - when DS2 came along three years later, it was a wonderful experience because I had all the benefit of hindsight.

Yes, there is a lot of more negative stuff but maybe, like me, some of those people struggled because they'd also allowed themselves to be fed the 'it's the most wonderful experience that can happen to you' guff .

I expected that I'd get some kind of wonderful feeling of bonding which would balance out all the tough stuff but, for me, it just didn't happen .

I didn't have PND but neither did I have 'wonder' as bikinibottom describes it. It was just a slog.

He's nearly 3 now and just gorgeous. I'm also due another baby on Sunday and I know this time to keep my expectations in check !

DS is 2. He still wakes up twice a night minimum. Broken sleep is the hardest thing to get used to, especially in those early days.

Don't expect too much of yourself and you'll be fine though - forget keeping a spotless house and concentrate on your baby.

Ohhhh! What an opening post!

I haven't had a chance to read all the replies. Prior to children, I had a busy life. Had my own buisness, renovated a couple of houses, travelled the world and am a midwife. I thought just the same as you - surely it couldn't be that hard, I am a capable woman....

DD1 just didn't sleep, would wake up hourly for the first few months. Naps were 30 mins long. The sleep deprivation was all consuming and tortuous. I couldn't think straight, I used to get muddled easily. All tasks requiring an IQ of above room temperature was unsurmountable. Looking back I really shouldn't have been driving

Also, I felt like I needed to stimulate her by this chatting and engaging with her all day long...I was like a demented fool. She also wouldn't be put down for more than a nanosecond without wailing. I can now do everything one handed. If I now lost an arm in a freak accident - I'd be well prepared.

Poor dh was marvellous- but I was like a whimpering wreck.

Also - you will never have the time back when it was just you. Even when dd's are not with me - you cannot stop thinking/worrying about them. It reminds me of the beginning of a new exciting love affair with a fantastic man - when you can't get them out of your mind and you want to see them all the time. Multiple this feeling by 68 times and that is how you feel about your child - they invade your brain. I would happily damage someone if they as so much brough a sad look to my childrens faces. No-one tells you how bloody vulnerable having children makes you - your life is balancing on their happiness.

Also - you can't ever watch anything on TV about children being hurt as you can't bear to think of your child in that circumstance. I have to cover my ears and close my eyes when there is anything sad to do with children on the news.

Anyway - fast forward to dd2 - similar baby who doesn't like sleep but I've learned to deal with it - she's in my bed and I breastfeed her whilst I sleep on my side. People talk of dreamfeeds - I do it all the time but it's me thats doing the sleeping!!! She again won't be put down for a second but I hav found out about those lovely wrap slings and am a dab hand at putting her on my back so that I can run after the toddler that is dd1.

I wouldn't change it for the world but those PFB's do keep you slightly occupied in the first few weeks months years

The daytimes with our first were very civilised: I got up at about 8am, had a snack, went out shopping spending the maternity allowance I was still receiving, sat in Starbucks cuddling him and reading, toddled home in the dark at 5pm and looked at the Christmas lights. It was the screaming from midnight until 5am that totally finished me off. That and him waking every 20 minutes once he was asleep.

Luckily he started sleeping at 18 months though .

I think the best thing to do is to have the lowest possible expectations of doing anything once you have a baby so that anything you do at all is an achievement. If you have read this thread, you are probably panicking, but what we can't portray in words is how fantastic it feels to have this little creature that you have produced.