Don't shoot me but... what exactly is so hard about having a baby?

[Naivenewbie]

Ok, I know that sounds like I'm be deliberately provocative. I'm not really. But I'm expecting my first baby in 10 weeks (eek!) and am just wondering what specifically it is that turns your world upside down? Don't they just eat and sleep at the beginning? Seriously, don't think I'm taking the piss. I am just genuinely wondering why my house has to turn into a pig-sty, why I apparently won't be able to get out of my pyjamas before bedtime, cook a meal, wash my clothes etc. People keep implying these things to me and, whilst I am open to them (rather like my PJs actually), Im just wondering why it's the case...

I said to my friend recently about her new-born, can't you try to sleep when he does? And she said it's not that easy, you find so many things to do. And I'm wondering - WHAT?

angelz Didn't see your post there.
Pleeeease....my DS had reflux, colic, oral thrush, was 3 weeks early and determined to never let one single breast feed be easy! BUT it was short lived and there was still the amazing bits inbetween. We do survive it don't we?
New mums to be, look forward to your babies and let yourself have your own experiences and enjoy all the good bits. The good bits get more frequent and better and better.

Naivenewbie,

I have lots of children, and I am with you on this one.

I was blessed with fairly easy labours, meaning I wasn't exhausted or beaten up. I think it is a lot harder if you start off on the back foot, especially if the birth is quite traumatic and you can barely stand up for the first two weeks.

I didn't really have a problem with sleep deprivation. Babies sleep for the majority of the day and night when they are little. The problem is that they don't sleep for long before waking up, and in the early days, have a reverse schedule.

I slept when my baby slept, whenever that was, so the result was that I got plenty of sleep.

I think one of the problems that women create for themselves is the urge to 'get back to normal'. When you have a first child, normality changes. You cannot go back to your child-free lifestyle. You have to take on board the needs of the little one. It is really easier just to give in rather than fight it.

Haven't read the whole thread so apologies if I'm repeating. I think if you are an organised person before the baby you'll be organised afterwards (I'm talking about domestic organisation - bit politically incorrect I know!).If you are chaotic and disorganised already then it is only going to get worse. I had an easy birth and I wasn't rushing to get back to work afterwards so I was quite happy to throw myself into a kind of 1950s domestication and actually really enjoyed it. I should add I never slept when the baby slept because frankly I was happy to have a bit of time to myself. I never stayed in my pyjamas until lunchtime - in fact the first thing I did in the morning was get dressed and get my make up on (my mother's main tip before the birth!). I would say one baby - easy-peasy, two under two - now that is a real challenge in fact you wonder what you used to do when you just had one!

Sorry, forgot to add enjoy every moment of it because it will be over in a FLASH.

I went to a coffee shop at lunch time today, I arrived as a lady with a baby in a pushchair was leaving. I sat and waited whilst the waiter served the people in front of me and then he served me and I was sat drinking my coffee.

i got half way down my large lovely latte - I can now see why woman that have had babies don't manage to get out of the house in the morning - she was still leaving..... faffing around and couldnt sort herself out.

Some people are naturally organised and manage well most of the time (they certianly have to if they have dc to get to school) Others just don't manage that well most of the time or take a very long time about doing things. They are the same with babies, getting ready to go out on the town etc

Neither way is right or wrong that is just the way some people are made and babies are made

Dont shoot me........ BANG

Just you wait.

Okay...I am going to be flamed to cinders for this I already know...

My first baby WAS ridiculously easy. I knew I wanted to guide him into a routine, and it took him about two weeks to find his own groove. I had a shower every day, mainly because DH took him over before he got ready for work so that I could get myself together. This is actually important: I NEVER let DH sit back and let me do all the work...even though he worked, I still expected him to be an equal parent.'I earn the money' was NOT a viable excuse for me...it's his child as well. Doing this from the start worked well!! So, aside from bfing, he worked just as hard as I did, changed many night nappies, etc. DS took a long time to sleep through the night, but he slept for long enough stretches at night, and napped well in the day, so I was tired, but not as tired as I expected to be. Didn't suffer from PND, recovered physically within a week (but didn't have a section or complications). Admittedly, I didn't do much housework, and kept things very simple in terms of meals.
So, it's not completely hopeless, and yes, it is entirely possible to have it easy.

That said, my SECOND baby came along, and SHE was my payback...I had it all then...a whopping case of PND, sleepless nights, horrible breastfeeding experiences, and she had reflux to boot. Add to that a 15 month old toddler...nightmare!!! LOL...

If you have a good birth and you can cope with broken sleep patterns it will be a doddle. It is weird having no personal space though and having to take a baby everywhere you go.

did you ever do the flour baby thing at school?

I didn't find DS1 massively difficult except for the broken sleep at night. But even that wasn't too bad - he'd wake for a feed and then go back to sleep most of the time. He was very chilled in the day and took long naps.
The hardest bit for me was not being able to just pop out - it took lots of faffing around just to get out the door.
The hard work that was hard work. The first year was horrendous.

Hmm part of that last sentence got deleted. It should have read the hard work began when DS2 arrived and DS1 was just under 2. Now that was hard work. The first year was horrendous.

apart from all the other advice and opinions, i think the total inability to predict what was going to happen day to day and hour to hour in the early days is hard

you don't know whether to try to sleep/bathe/load teh dishwasher/eat just in case the baby wakes, so you end up procrastinating and doing nothing!

also the totally unexpected things ... remember when DD was about 10 days old , determined to go out with both DCs to the park and feed the ducks. DD just been fed, in her little bouncy chair thing while i got organised, doorbell rang, in the time it took me to answer it , she was sick in my handbag, whihc i had left next to her.

so by the time i'd cleaned her up and the bag and fed her again, 2 hours had passed !!

Definitely the sleep deprivation. I used to think it wouldn't be too bad - get up a few times a night, give the baby a feed, go back to sleep. Except at first it's don't even go to bed at normal time because baby was cluster feeding from 8 til 1, then up again at 2, changing her nappy becuase she's done a poo, then she'd wee on her clothes so I'd have to change them, trying desperately to get her back to sleep until 4 in the morning, getting a couple of hours (if I was lucky) and then getting up again at 6 with another poo and wee fest. Then trying to start the day with some semblance
of normality and failing miserably.

I remember the tiredness just engulfing me - I've never felt anything like it.

Plus all sense of rationality left with my placenta - I worried soooo much about her feeding, sleeping, whether she was hot / cold, whether she was strapped into her car seat, whether she was still alive when I couldn't see or hear her in the carseat! etc. I was on edge all the time panicking (yes panicking, not just worrying) about her.

At 3am on the 4th night she was home I said to my husband in all seriousness that we were going to have to get a nanny because I couldn't cope. Thoughts of having her adopted also went through my mind during the nights of those first few weeks because I genuinely didn't think that it could be so hard and that it must just have been me and that she deserved better.

She was colicky, couldn't be put down, couldn't lie on her back for half an hour after a feed because she's be sick and we had a hard time breastfeeding.

It definitely gets easier though DD is six months now and I am much more relaxed and happier and rather glad I didn't have her adopted

Starlight, I'm glad you've said that. I don't think I could ever find anything as hard as the first couple of months with DD.

I remember my friend who was expecting her first about three months after I had my second, asking why it took me so long to get ready to leave the house, or get out of my pjs before lunchtime. And why I had little time for eating/sleeping/showering/peeing? Let alone make myself look half human,organised,domestic earth mother I had envisaged before giving birth.But yes it basically splits into two catogories SLEEPING and FEEDING.
SLEEPING Babies just dont drift off.The hours spent perfecting the constant
rocking/jiggling motion going on of either the baby,the pram,cars seat or combination of at least two in an attempt to get your baby to or stay asleep will take up an amount of time only compared with the 9 months your baby was soothed to sleep this way whilst in your tummy! (I have been known to rock a shopping trolly minus baby before now out of sheer habit!)
Babies have an uncanny ability to wake upon any of the following, any food warmer than a sandwich being served to you,the moment your bum touches the toilet seat,sofa,bed (also note that the cry saved for when you finally chance a poo is like the cry when you have just got into the shower and put shampoo on your hair),the wake when it makes absolutly no sense or logic having been fed changed etc! Again the time taken deciphering their randomness again is beyond stupid!
Then they wake to feed which can take an amount of time which you cannot plan for, and the constant obsessing that follows have they had enough? How long have I got before the next feed? Have I winded them enough? And in the minutes where you plan all the things you should/could be doing you get a visitor/phone call/the refuse truck comes and BANG your little one wakes and the whole process starts again! Add to that the time needed to change a baby (always plan for a full body wash/change of clothing for both of you and anything less is a bonus!)time for washing everything involved in the above sterilising making up bottles(I breastfed but had a friend who nearly got divorced due to arguements over who would make up the bottles!), everday household stuff can suddenly become overwhelming add hormones and exhaustion and there you have the wonderful life that is being a mother! And I wouldnt have it any other way, because as hard as it is the rewards just keep coming and the fog of the early days fade, there is no plan and just when you think you have a routine they have a growth spurt! Oh and my friend who at the time I struggled to explain the above to, finally understood the day I called over three weeks after she had her daughter and she answered the door in her bathrobe with a wry smile at 1pm!

if it was really possible to explain this, it would seriously put off many women for even going there. our inability to put it into words effectively ensures the continuity of the human race!!

saying that, ds was an easy baby (bf a lot but cried v little and never 'stayed up' at night, rarely sick, always smiling, good nap & sleep routines). what made a massive difference was to nap with him after he had decided to consolidate his naps - at the start there is v little point as by the time you feel yourself nodding off, he will be ready and rearing to go again. also, iiiif you want to get to all the baby groups on time (believe me you WILL want to!) you cannot afford to waste this time for organising yourself so that you can practically wake him up and be out the door within 15 mins.

once ds was napping for a couple of hours after lunch, i had a good year of joining him (i would sleep very deeply indeed and have quite intense, sometimes even terrifying dreams). i was aware that this was a sacred time - never more so than when he turned 3 and promptly dropped naps altogether. i suppose i was lucky in that i did not have another one to look after having decided not to go there again for a good few years at least. also, i was a sahm (obviously - would any employers even consider it??) and my mother would cook us our evening meal in those days (which meant that our routine was pretty much baby club-lunch-naaaaap- playdate/second group/shopping (if realistic on the day)-dinner-sleep - happy days!!!

I was thinking yesterday I wished they were babies again because, surely, it MUST have been easier than 3 and 9...then I remembered..

DD3 is just coming up 6 months old and she still doesn't sleep very well. She has to be cuddled/entertained through the day and feeds 3/4 times a night.

6 months of sleep deprivation is a killer....

Enjoy it, the newborn stage passes so slowly, stay in yer bloody jamas and slob about, gazing adoringly at your pfb.

I'm too tired to even try and add to this thread (one two year old ds another due in May) but I've got a wry smile on my face and all I'm thinking is just you wait! Good Luck!

ROFL, this thread is hilarious. I haven't had a chance to read more than the first page but, OP, baby number one made me feel like I had been run over by a train and my life was turned upside down and I had no clue who I was any more. Second time round, I just stayed in bed for two weeks, had ready meals and DD2 slept most of the time so it was bliss. And I kept thinking, why on earth was I so stressed with dd1? So in theory yes, it hasn't got to be difficult but in practice, I think you'll find it quite... errrrm.... challenging Good luck!

I haven't read ALL of the replies but here's my view:

When baby's awake he's eating or pooping or puking and you're changing him, getting him ready of a morning, trying to get yourself ready. He might have colic and cry a lot. Mine had reflux and would choke if I lay him down too soon after his feed so he needed lots of attention I suppose.

When they finally do sleep after a very long winding session, you need to get cleaned up, make bottles, finish getting yourself ready, sterilise stuff, pack his bag if you're going out anywhere, etc.

You will have nappies, wipes, empty bottles, bibs, changes of clothes, maybe a bath etc scattered about, so lots of mess to be cleaning.

I had PND so the mere thought of getting us both ready seemed like running a marathon.

You have to think about every tiny little detail before you go out. Say you stop at the shop to get a paper, you can't just leave your new little baby in the car alone, you have to take him with you. In and out the car, once a 2 second job, is now a 5 minute faff of baby seat belts.

You will be up a million times a night and you will be very, very tired, so everything will seem to hard and too emotional for you to do. You will want to grab 5 minutes to yourself but might not get it. Then there's the usual cooking of meals etc. A shopping trip with crying and faffing takes forever.

You get the jist anyway.

morethemerrier at rocking the empty trolley. Been there too. Plus sitting rocking like a wooden horse on the sofa long after DS was in bed. I also couldn't get out of baby voice mode in the early days - "would you like a coffee" to DH was asked in the highest sing song voice on many occasions.

mrsjuan, I can itentify so much with your "all sense of rationality left with my placenta". I was obsessed with DS' breathing and spent all day watching his tummy go up and down. I never napped as I was too afraid that he would stop breathing and I wouldn't notice. I remember when he was 7 weeks old, I was convinced he had stopped breathing - he hadn't, just gone into a very deep sleep. I ran outside with him to my neighbour who's a nurse and she had to take me inside and calm me down. I was a mess. I think, like me, you probably had PNA.

i would also add that dh did practically NOTHING with ds during the first three and a half years - no nappies, no meals (that one is still to come), the moobs were no use for bf although he did offer to try. he was basically too busy and not around at the right times and saw very little of ds. that is no longer the case and ds has now 'chosen' him for toilet duty even if he is really busy and i sit downstairs chuckling to myself (payback time!!).

not meaning to light the touchpaper but bf does not only make feeding easier - it makes the whole first time parenting game much much easier if you are happy to do it for as long as you can manage. the breastmilk knocks them out like formula never could so you can forget about jiggling and pacing the floors at 3am if it all goes to plan.

the amount of time new parents spend bickering about roles, rights and duties is . some dhs are lazy sods and esp if they are quite old and set in their ways, if they don't want to do it you should just get on with it rather than insisting; they will demonstrate strengths in other areas of parenting and that will become apparent in time