A gentle thread for those starting again after a difficult pregnancy, miscarriage etc.

[woollyjo]

I've just discovered I am 5.5 weeks pregnant.

In the last 2 years I have had 2 mcs and our dd2 was stillborn at term.

So I don't feel like I fit into the antenatal threads, and don't want to frighten anyone with my experiences.

Anyone else out there who needs a gentle thread?

Couldthisbeit - I was in exactly the same position this time last year - luckily I'm sat here with my little boy who's almost 7 months old - amazing - I know how it feels when you daren't believe it may actually happen.
I really hope it all works out for you too, great that you're almost 17wks & heard the heartbeat - so reassuring xxx

Hang in there everyone, wishing you lots of luck & sticky, healthy beans.
Happy New Year xxx

Lovely news couldthisbeit.

I'm struggling. 8 weeks tomorrow and feeling really low. I'm so frightened of losing this baby. I still feel like I'm drowning in grief after losing my little girl. And unless I'm doing practically sod all I'm getting a lot of nausea, some vomiting and constant exhaustion. I am so fed up with having to go through this bit again. It all seems very black.

I feel totally overwhelmed at the moment and not sure how to cope with it all.

Work is being a nightmare as I am at risk of redundancy and having to apply for my job this month. It feels like too much and I feel fragile and daunted by too much going on just now. Lots of tears.

Anyone recognise these feelings? Any advice?

Thanks Onebaby, I day dream often of holding a bouncing baby next Christmas, and your story just adds to my hopefulness.

Spiltthetea, I was so sorry to read about your precious dd. I recognise your feelings of fear, and found I couldn't think much about anything but whether this time things might go well. For me, it helped to talk to one especially close friend who knew about our 4 losses and would just listen to all my fears, however many times I needed. I know for many on here talking about their lost babies is a huge help in itself, if you want to talk about your daughter we will all gladly listen.

I read a lot on Mumsnet as, rather sadly, there are many strong women on here who have been through what you are experiencing. This thread has been a real comfort to me, even though I have only recently felt brave enough to join in.

I wish you lots of luck and strength x

Sorry that you are feeling so low spiltthetea...

You have every right and good reason to worry. These first few weeks are very difficult and it does feel unreasonable to have to go through them only to suffer a loss mid-pregnancy when most other women are at their best.

I was just saying to dh that I will have spent nearly a year feeling ill (6 weeks X9) and that some of that time feels robbed from our children. I have been dysfunctionally ill this past week and spent most of the time in bed. It was the last week of Christmas holidays and time that I should have spent enjoying with my family. I am 10 weeks tomorrow but was spotting again yesterday evening. I almost wish that there was a fast-forward button.

You need to feel able to grieve the loss of your beautiful daughter. It was a huge loss.

Your work situation must compound your feelings. How utterly stressful. I hope that you can manage to get some rest.

Sorry to run. Nausea and real life calling...

Hello to everyone else!

Thanks both for listening and Cadmum I'm sorry you're feeling so ill just now too. I know precisely what you mean about the fastforward button.... I just want to KNOW that this baby is and will be ok.
I feel very much like I don't have the brain space to process all that's going on - as couldthisbeit says all I can think about is is this one ok? But in a weird way too most of my mind is on Bobbie. It's 3 months today since she was born and we're going to visit her shortly and take her some flowers.

It's hard that in real life there is very little mention of her anymore. DH and I talk about her a lot but no one else does and that is hard sometimes. It helps to be able to say it here so thank you.

3 months ago today she slipped out at 14:20. I was in a morphine induced haze for about 2 hours and struggled to stay awake to see her. Once the drugs wore off I picked her up and held her in my hands. I was amazed at how tiny and yet how perfect she was. Her little hands were just the size of my fingernail. She had my hands - skinny with long slender fingers. We didn't know she was a girl until we got the test results back weeks later and spent ages reconstructing all our sentences to avoid ever calling her it. We named her that first day, trying to pick a name that would fit both genders. We called her Bobbie because our best memory of her in life was the 12 week scan where she was bobbing and wriggling and kicking away very enthusiastically. It was amazing to see. I carried her that last time in her little casket up to her grave. DH and I tucked her in ourselves, patting the mud gently down as if it she might be hurt otherwise.

Thanks girls, it's good to write it.
Take care of yourselves xx

Oh Spilt i wish i could give you a hug. Iv just sat here and read you post with tears running down my face.

It does get a little easier everyday but it still knocks me for six. Freya would be 6 months in 3 days and i cant help but wonder what she would be doing.

The stress of pregnancy is also incredibly hard and i sometimes wish i could sleep until this baby is here so i dont have to deal with the worry and constant hurt, but then i feel guilty for this baby as i am not enjoying his/her pregnancy like i did my other two.

Please be kind to yourself and rest as much as you can. I am only just coming out of that exhausted phase of the last 15 weeks.

You will get there and be a brilliant mum and Bobbie will be an older sister to watch over your newest addition.
Bobbie will never be forgotten.

Lots of love xxx

Spilt: Tears on my keyboard as well. I am so sorry... Thank you for finding the courage to share Bobbie's story.

I hope your visit to the grave brings you comfort.

Thank you both. We took her some pink flowers for her quarter-birthday. It feels a bit easier again now that the anniversary is past.

Badger I know just what you mean about the guilt of not enjoying your current pregnancy enough. I feel a bit ungrateful and I hope this little bean knows it is loved but that mummy is just in a right old mess just now.

Fingers crossed for us all x

Spiltthetea, thank you for sharing.
You are not ungrateful at all, you are still grieving.
Bobbie sounds a beautiful name for a beautiful angel.
Keep strong x

Today would have been Freya' 6 mth birthday. Cant help but think of all the things she would be doing right now.
Sleep tight Freyfrey xxxxxxxxx

So sorry Badger. Thinking of you today...

We are currently living in Cambodia. There is a baby boy whose mum sells newspapers outside our local grocery store. He was born at the end of May around the time that Timothy was due. My dd1 (11) often carries him through the shop because it is air-conditioned and it gives him the opportunity to be the centre of attention for a few minutes. One day she asked me if it made me sad to look at him and wonder what 'our baby' might have been like. My initial reaction was to well up with tears (partly because of her sensitivity) but then it struck me that if the young mother of this infant had been in my situation that she would likely have died leaving her older two motherless. I adore seeing this precious little baby, Moolye, smile. He and his mum have brought me much peace and healing.

On a personal note: I had a scan today and I am 10 weeks pregnant! One tiny fetus measuring exactly right for dates with a lively little heartbeat. Everything looks great so that should bring me comfort for, oh, about the next 24 hours...

Thinking of you all. Thanks for a 'safe place' to rant.

Thank you Cadmum and congratulations on your pregnancy

One of my friends had a baby only a few days before me and i love looking at her pictures and seeing whats she is doing. Like your little Moolye she makes me smile and brings some hope for the future.
Oh and congratulations on bringing up such a wonderful little girl. She sounds absolutely adorable and what a wise head on such young shoulders x

Badger is it ok to say Happy 6 months to Freya? I know only too well how sad these anniversaries feel but also I find they make me smile too because they are all about my baby.

One MNer posted this which sums it up for me and explains why the anniversaries are both happy and sad days:
"I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that."

Cadmum congratulations on the scan. I know exactly what you mean about the very temporary relief!

Thank you Spilt and Lunatic and yes spilt its more than ok to say happy half birthday to Freya. I love that quote, it sums everything up nicely.

lunatic Congratulations on getting to 30 weeks. I cant believe how quickly that has gone, although it prob doesnt feel it to you.
Im glad you are being properly looked after and being in hospital, as annoying as it can be, hopefully has removed a bit of worry and stress for you.
Im keeping absolutely everything crossed for you and look forward to messges saying how bored but healthy and looked after you are for the next few weeks.

Back and trying again after miscarriage number two. Am 6 DPO and on the dreaded 2WW. I did an early pee test on one of the ebay cheapies yesterday and I know I know, I won't have even had implantion yet but I couldn't stop myself. My DH has now hidden them from me.

This is a great thread and I wish it had been around when I m/c. I was in such a state of shock as I naively assumed that once you fall pg you will get a baby in 9(ish) months. Mum and older sister sailed through and I was very healthy etc. So came as a huge shock at 12ish weeks (just before the scan). I remember wanting it all to just be over and will never forget when they scanned me to check it had "all come away" and seeing that empty womb.

Fell pg abut 4 mths later and would not believe till after 20wk scan and did not tell till it became very obvious. Would only start to buy any baby stuff at around 7.5 months as it co-incided with a trip to London and bought it all in one hit and just put it all away so was not at all ready when DD came 10 days early! Our heating has only been installed that Fri 6pm and DD started on Sunday and was born early Monday!

Fell pg with DS 10 months later and again did not relax till after 20 wk scan. No probs with either of them except awful all day sickness (18wks DD and 21wks DS).
Am now nearly 14wks pg with no. 3 (DD is 8 and DS is 6.5) but having quite a few probs with bleeding and high downs risk. Having CVS on Mon in Cardiff and will get results Wed/Thurs. Already know if it is Downs, will not proceed. Have decided if it is OK this will definitely be the last one for me despite wanting a larger family. Cannot take it again. If bad result next week, do not know about trying again. Am 39.5.

It is hard not to worry as it is in our nature... (Sorry this ended up being longer than I thought.)

What a horrendous choice to face. My aunt's a midwife and said to me "I hope you've thought about what to do if the baby comes up high risk for Downs" and I said how could I possibly know until the time comes? I don't how you're coping with that, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I had terrible bleeding with my first pregnancy and went into full blown labour at 21 weeks, then just spotting with the second and miscarried a few weeks later at 11 weeks. I know someone who had massive bleeds with her pregnancy and went full term with a very healthy girl. That's the thing that keeps us all going isn't it, that no matter how bleak, there's always hope.
But if I'm not pregnant this month I think I'll go mad. And if I lose another baby I don't think I can try again either. I want a family so badly but its so painful. My DH and I have been trying sine 2008 but you have to think about your mental wellbeing too don't you? That and as much as we love each other it is impacting on our relationship. I can't lose him too.

hi everyone i just want to say that each little life is put on earth to be loved weather its just through pregnancy 2 weeks or 10 months as long as they are loved nothing else matters, i had miscarriage just before 12 week scan in august and it was the worst experience ever, the worst thing is that the baby was already a part of me and is a part of my family, i feel as though i have 2 dc although to the rest of the world i only have 1, on a brighter note im 6 weeks pregnant and so far no complications although no symptoms iether and im petrified, im praying for the next few weeks to fly by but in actual fact time has never gone so slow, im driving my dp mad telling him my worries so i needed an outlet this is it, sorry for the essay and good luck to all of you x

Hello to all you wonderful strong ladies, we have such sad stories but it will eventually make us stronger/able to help someone else .. if I don't believe that I cannot come to terms with the complete senselessness of my 2 mcs and my beautiful stilborn Niamh.

On the up side DD3 is 7 months old now but I have returned to hellish cuts and doom and gloom at work. No career prospects for me as I work in quite a small industry which is about to be wiped out by government sell offs. Just makes me want to run off and have more babies! not sure DH or even I could go through it again!

Hi Woollyjo, you're back!
I know about the work worry. My DH has been unemployed off and on for three years and I got so fed up with trying to find work I became self employed. I keep thinking should I even be trying when we have such terrible prospects or did I lose my babies because of it? But no matter how hard things are I believe we can give a child more than enough love and we will go without to make sure they have what they need.
I can't believe it's been 10 months since losing Archie and 3 months since losing Elliot. Some days it feels like it was someone else and I'm looking back at events that happened on a tv programme. Other days its all too real and I start panicing about starting all over again.

Hi ladies can I join u all. I am 43 and have 2 ds from first marriage. With no 2 husband we had 3 early miscarriages then fell pg with identical twin girls. Katie and Anna were born sleeping due to suspected twin to twin transfusion in September 2008. Sine then we have had another 4 miscarriages. I am currently 6 weeks pg again (going for the world record) and hoping this is our time. I am on steroids, twice daily clexane injections and progesterone pessaries all to help keep a viable pregnancy. I had an early scan week to check in right place. Nice round sac seen in right place, good blood flow and lining looking good. No heartbeat seen but consultant not worried. Got another scan wednesday next week.

Not many pg symptoms but never really do - generally always feel physically very well in pg. Even carrying my twins I looked and felt fab. My (.)(.) feel like they keep filling up and tingly.

Hoping that this is our time but it is very stressful.

Good luck to everyone.

Good luck minmooch. You and your body have been through hell. Glad you're feeling good now. My consultant told me to take aspirin and progesterone pessaries when I get pregnant again (please be this month). I'm going to my GP tomorrow to get the prescription sorted out now. Its really hard getting to see my GP so I don't need to worry about that on top of everything else. Do they have any side effects or anything?
I didn't think they could hear the heartbeat that early on anyway but I bet it still worried you. When I had a bleed with my second the midwife said "I can get you in and try to hear the heartbeat but I probably won't and it will just panic you more". To be honest I didn't need help with worrying, I did it every day anyway.
My boobs growing straight away were the first sign of my pregnancies (my husband is a much earlier test than they sell in the pharmacies).

All quiet on the posting front - hope that's because you're all busy growing beans!
Just popped in to see how everyone's doing.

Lunatic - how's things?? Just been reading some posts from this time last year - for being so supportive when you were having such a rubbish time. Hope you're ok in hospital & taking it easy.

Thinking of you all & wishing everyone well, hang in there x

That was supposed to say 'Thanks for being so supportive . . .!'