Iris have only just read all this, so sorry you're going through this. My DH did something similar when I was pregnant with ds2. I had gotten so depressed after my miscarriage and discovery that I was subfertile, that I shut him out completely. So much so that he gave up on me (it was over long period of time). Eventually I got better and we sorted everything out. And then (2 years after the miscarriage) I got pregnant. I was terrified (and that is an understatement), dh worked abroad for weeks at a time and had been away when I miscarried, so this time I begged him not to go. He went. I was devastated, just sat at home waiting to lose the baby. It was horrible. When he came back I was so upset. He had always promised that if I ever asked him not to go he wouldn't go.
It was then that he told me that he had gone because he didn't want the baby. He didn't want to be a part of this.
I was about 9 weeks pregnant at the time. We talked things through and agreed to try. I did everything I could to get him involved in the pregnancy and encourage him to bond with the baby. I think it was when he first felt ds2 kick that he finally realised this was really going to happen.
It wasn't that he didn't want the baby, it was all he had wanted before, but when it happened he was so terrified of all the consequences if it "went wrong" again, that he closed off to all of it.
He felt it was better to run away now, than to stay and risk the grief again.
It really sounds to me like your dp is going through something similar. Does it sound like that's what it might be?
A small part of me still resents dh for making the beginning of my pregnancy all about him, but he was terrified too - and he had the option to run away from it all .
Men are rubbish at dealing with their feelings, they often don't know what's going on themselves, let alone are able to communicate their fears.
The fact that he wanted to come to the midwife speaks volumes. I hope it's all alright.