Pregnancy After Miscarriage Part VI....Share your worries and knicker checking stories here...

[SparkyMalarky]

Will this do?

I am so part of your thread even though I don't post.
I can't believe how i didn't appreciate pregnancy without bleeding before
The best way seems to pretend not to be pregnant to anyone, even yourself

hi all and thank you for inviting me in to talk after I posted about being pregnant after 2 miscarriages... thread below for those who didn't see it..

[my previous post..
Hubby and I have lost 2 confirmed pregnancies in the last 14 months and had another suspected miscarriage. We have just discovered we are expecting again.. which is great right? Only I'm terrified that I'm going to lose this one too.. hubby doesn't think it's such a good idea after everything we went through last time but that hurts me quite a lot because this, despite my fear, is a blessing to me. We have the chance that this could be a normal uncomplicated pregnancy. He hasn't said much to me about it apart from that and when I do talk about it he doesn't really say much, my friend thinks he is just worried about me after all we have gone through but I don't feel as though I have his support at the moment. It's almost like he's not acknowledging that this is happening. I know I should talk to him and I do try but I'm scared that his mind is made up and he doesn't want this for us. Sorry, ranting a little but so confused!..]

I decided to ask hubby if we can talk tonight, the result has been texts going back and forth.. he has said now (in the last hour or so) that he isn't ready to be a father and he isn't going to change his mind.. I asked where that left me as I don't want to lose him, I feel as though I am not being given a choice here, he says of course I have a choice, I have to do what's right for me but does that mean at the cost of my relationship? being a single parent? I already have a 9 year old, that is not his, and they are wonderful together. He was so happy when we fell pregnant in august (the last miscarriage) and this time it's almost like it's a bad thing. I just really have no idea how to take what he is saying right now or how to deal with this. We both laid down and made this baby, now it's like he's saying nothing to do with me, your choice. I don't feel that that is very fair

Ooh ooh scotlass I tried number one but the size was rubbish (tried a 12 then a 16, didn't have time for 14 as mail order) and it was not as nice in real life and not on a glamour model IYSWIM (not that I am suggesting you are not a glamour model...you might well be...) The second one is GORGEOUS and will make the most of your bump. Its similar to mine and I did have a bolero thingy - can recommend one from Nu Nu (sorry don't know how to do blue link!!) that was on sale at a tenner...You will look and feel fab!!

Darrell hi nice to see you here, I just posted on your other thread, so you will have seen my bleed experience.....you are right about 'ignoring it' it really works for some of us, and that is what me and DH tried to do with our second positive - we even had a plan to go somewhere exotic at xmas as a sort of backup/consolation prize.

Hi Iris - poor you to be going through this with dh. He is prob really scared of loss again but I can see why you are distressed by his reaction. It is NOT fair to be doing what he is doing - all you can do is talk to him about it and this would undoubtedly be better in person than by text so maybe try that tonight? (unless this all happened before and you have done so...)

We are here tho if you need us. Let us know how you get on. How many weeks are you and do you have a scan booked? Are the medics taking you seriously after your previous experiences?

Oh, Iris I don't know what to say What a horrible thing for him to do to you. I do wonder though, if it's not the stress of the mc's and knowing it could happen again that's making him say/think that he doesn't want to be a father suddenly. I mean, he's had two chances now to tell you this. How was he with the previous pregnancies? If he really felt this way, why would he continue TTCing with you?

I have my booking on 8th December but due to my history will be seeing the midwife for a chat on Monday.. have no idea how far as I have been having regular periods since the MC in august, in fact had one just two weeks ago.. we did the digital conception test after dr did a test and it says 5+ weeks. I am having morning sickness and even slight cravings so maybe further along than we think.

First pregnancy last year was hard, he said all of this then and actually left me.. I went through the first MC on my own.. we managed to work things out and he was ecstatic when we fell in august, over the moon, told everyone.. we had a rough time of it after the 2nd MC and almost split, I got very depressed, but we're working through the bad stuff we went through, he says this is why he's not ready, he wants to be sure we're going to be ok. But I told him that noone ever knows if they're always going to be ok, otherwise people wouldn't get married and then divorce you know, but if we love each other and both want it to work then all we can do is continue to try.

I have been on contraceptive jab each time we fell so this time when I told him he said he's not really surprised as it's failed us before but if that's he case and he isn't ready to be a father then why not take extra precaution? I love him but I was good enough to have a baby with a couple of months ago but not now so I can only think maybe other things have changed for him. He's making me feel like I'm being paranoid but I don't see what has changed for him to be like this after his reaction to the last pregnancy.

Bear with me whilst I repeat this conversation that just took place between the two of us...

I just said to him that I don't feel like he has supported me how he should have and that we haven't dealt with this as a couple.. he asked how can we deal with it as a couple when we both want different things.. I said I don't know what MY options are. Will he still be around if I told him I want to go ahead with the pregnancy or would he leave. It's hard to think about when I don't know the consequences of my choices.. his response has just broken my heart, he said..

I don't want a baby. I don't want to be a father. Not yet. I want us. Having a child wouldn't be good for us yet. I think. So no, i don't think i could be around. It would take all emphasis off us and We'd never get sorted. It would be like we had something between us that was never talked about.

Charming, 3 years, 2 MCs and this is what I'm worth to him.

Iris I think you need to first find out how far along you are. I know it's not helpful to slag off your DP but really, didn't he think he should've made his feelings perfectly clear, especially since he's said he's not surprised your BC failed you again?!?!?

I also think you need some counselling. He might be right that a baby is not a good idea for you if you have unfinished issues to take care of, but you have 9 months to sort it out and 9 months is a good amount of time.

Good luck, I hope you resolve the situation with your DP.

I agree with you about making his feelings known.. he's basically giving me the ultimatum of him or the baby but then said he would love his child no matter what.. only he'd leave me if I have it?.. seriously?!

The issues he is referring to is me, I fell into a deep depression after 2nd MC, didn't want to go anywhere, see anyone, the house went to pot.. but I realised off my own back that I had to pull out of it, I have done very well, the house is back to it's spotless self, I'm back at work and I get out of the house regularly, I also saw the counsellor at my gp surgery once a week for two months. I now feel like myself again.. he's worried I'll fall back into depression.. and I understand his worry, I really do, but at the same time he's not really going the right way about exressing his concern I don't think.

I have a 2 week wait until my booking and then a further wait for my scan.. it all feels so uncertain and now he's done this I feel very much alone.

NOt surprised you feel alone! Trying hard not o say this but he is out of order for saying NOW he doesn't want a child when he was complicit in using a contraceptive that he suspected might not work. Its half his responsibility you are pg!!

Talk to someone you trust, don't struggle with this alone - family? friend? Poor you.

Iris, sorry you are going through this. I think you and he need to talk a lot more about this though as clearly you are not going to get rid of it and therefore he has to get used to the fact that a baby is coming. I can't understand why he won't at least give the relationship a go, if there are unresolved issues such as your depression after the m/c (not to mention him leaving you during first pg)then you can get through it with counselling. As long as you are both willing to work at it.

I've got a scan at EPU on Monday morning.

Irisfire I've just been reading your posts, I'm so sorry to hear everything you're going through I'm not surprised you feel alone, I hope that having the lovely ladies here to talk to brings some comfort. Your partner has put you in an impossible position - he says he can't be with you if you continue with the pg, but could you really imagine a future with him if he 'forces' you to end it, especially when this is clearly, for you at least, a much longed for baby. LBOT is right, you can do a lot of counselling in 9 months. Friends of ours have been with relate for about 6 months. She was very sceptical about it to say the least, but they've both found it hugely helpful and seem to be well on the way to rebuilding a relationship that she thought was beyond hope.
I really hope things work out for you, and I hope this thread provides you with some much needed support.

Just wanted to add that we had Relate counselling too when we had hit a particularly rough patch. We did from March until May last year, which was when we decided ourselves that we didn't need it anymore. It was really really helpful.

And Kate makes an excellent point about asking yourself if you could stay with a man who forced you to choose between him and a baby. I think there would always be a lot of resentment, personally I don't think I could handle that.

Ladylush good luck for your scan

irisfire so glad you came over here, I agree with the others, you need to think first and foremost what you want and relate counselling may be a good facilitator if you can get your DP to go. it seems slightly strange he's so anti baby when he was chuffed in August. There must be more to it than he's letting on. I think mc can definately put a strain on even the most stable relationships.

ladylush I'm so glad you got a scan booked - will keep everything crossed for you on momday.

dan I am most definately not a glamour model although my boobs are probably rivalling some of their fakers at this moment in time. Can't find bolero on Nu Nu - they must've sold them out. Will see what i have/can find. Have decided to go maternity as DH will have his leaving do in March so will be able to wear at 5mths and 8mths pg.

I had really sad news after posting this morning - my grandpa died at 1130 . My parents called from the hospital and I got to go in and see him, he looked so peaceful. I have to say 2008 has been a really shit year for me (DH's gran died in Feb the same hour we were told our baby had died - I know it's silly but I'm paranoid now). Please please let 2009 be better.

Sorry to hear about your Grandpa Scotlass - that's v. sad. I can understand the paranoia though.

On a more frivolous note, that dress is gorgeous. I have no glam nights out here either which is probably best as I am already outgrowing my maternity clothes at 24 weeks. All my tops end up wiht me flashing my rather sizeable bump and these are tops I wore happily up to the end with dd. I went shopping today for some longer tops to find fashionably long tops make me look shorter and more weeble like than possible. Did say to DH that I ought to just go to millets and buy a tent.

ladylush - good luck for hte scan on monday, hope the weekend doesn't drag too much for you.

Irisfire - welcome and sorry you're having such a shitty time. I have no real words of wisdom but please keep talking here if it helps.

Darrel - Poor you, what a situation. I hope you find out more soon.

Thanks ladies Actually I'm not impatient re the scan. I wouldn't have wanted it this week tbh but at least on Monday I'll be 7+5 and they should be able to see more. Or at least it should be fairly conclusive one way or the other.

Scotlass - so sorry to hear about your grandpa How awful. I don't blame you for wanting to see the back of this year. I hope 2009 brings much happier times

Actually I am hoping for a better year next year too. The last two have been diabolical with 3 m/c and my marriage almost breaking up. Dh and I had counselling this year and did find it very helpful. I was sure (at the time) that I did not want to be with him anymore but counselling bought me some time to make a reasoned decision.

hi everyone - am new to this forum so sory if am repeating stuff....but am 9wks at the moment - my 2nd pregancy ....my first ended with a mmc which i only found out about when i went for my 12wk scan - thought everything was going well.....anyways as you can imagine am very paranoid at the moment with regards to mc especially nausea and tiredness seem to settle all of a sudden - i seem to be having good and bad days and boobs arent so sore......is this normal??

Hello there,

May I join you? I got a BFP yesterday, 11 weeks and 6 days since my mc (at 8 weeks). I've had this thread on 'watch' since then and have taken comfort in the good news stories (and empathised with the sad ones).

I'm really trying to be positive but will no doubt have wobbles along the way.

I'm due on 1st August and have a DS (2.5).

Hi appletiser, can you not request an early scan? We are offered them automatically if we previously have had a mc.

Scotlass so sorry about your grandad, and I think the 'superstition' stuff is very normal and you would be odd without it. My sis was 7 months - what I am now - with hewr ds after 2 mmc's when our dad died horribly of cancer, I am really aware of it with people I know now who are ill. Lets hope 2009 is better for all of us, with all our lo's - and good luck with the shrug search, theres loads about! Monsoon do all sorts like that. If all else fails you are welcome to borrow mine!

Blue and apple welcome to the madhouse - yes its normal to be pertified and tho you can't do it, apple, try to enjoy the less sick days!! I am 29 weeks now but had same as you, mmc at 12 week scan so scan's petrify me even tho I now have a wriggling thing!

So I forgot to say yest I had my nct class (first of 3) on Thu and do you know, it was okay! Due to the days hours I spend on here I turn out to be quite well informed about the whole thing! And they seemed nice, I can imagine keeping in touch with them. And dh behaved himself and was quite sociable...I was REALLY self conscious about him being there, but will feel better next week as he was ok and not too scathing about it. He knows now there are three stages of labour, and is getting the idea that I just want him to hold my hand and tell me I am doing brilliantly , AND there were lots of home birth positives around too (which is something he is anxious about).

Got fsmily visiting this weekend so might be out lots - will think of you on Mon Ladylush with your scan.

PS article in yesterdays Times saying I am a good mummy for buying a mummy facing buggy - thats £xx million well spent then!!

Thanks everyone - feel really alone this weekend, Dh is on a course in Wales and I can't get hold of him on his mobile. Can't even have a bottle wine to keep me company.

To top 2008 off I got a flippin speeding ticket through the post this morning, fixed camera on a dual camera 30mph and I was doing 40 apparently - serves me right I know but my head's up my bum this week and had a momentary lapse. . can we all get virtually pissed please, I need you to keep me company

blue and apple welcome - ignore my winging, you're in good company we've all been where you are right now at some point and wobble away - we understand.

dan of course you will be a good mummy forward facing or not!
Sorry about your dad too - cancer is a brute and so cruel robbing us of our lo's.
Thanks for the offer of shrug, I'm going to have a look on Friday in Glasgow (was too mental with xmas shoppers today). hopefully my dress will have arrived and I can go shoe and shrug shopping. I measured how long it is and think I need to grow about 6inches (looks like it's meant for a 6 footer). Hoefully someone will be able to alter it for me.

not dual camera - carraigeway I meant. See head in the clouds

Oh scotlass - poor you, not what you need right now. I got caught driving over 30 by volunteers with a speed gun. Luckily it was just a warning letter. Like you, I thought it served me right, but I wasn't deliberately breaking the speed limit....was miles away thinking about stuff I needed to do that day at work.

blue - i requested an early scan but they dont seem to do them here - am still waiting to hear about my 12w scan date..thought i wud have heard by now

May i join thread please feeling lonely as have split with DH.Am 8wks PG and finding the wait till 12wk scan very difficult as had a MMC B4 DS1 & DS2.Feeling very sick so hope this is a good sign.

Morning All,

Just got up having re-read my 'managing morning sickness' book in bed. I'm feeling out of sorts already (at 4+1!!) but it is reasuring as had horrendous ms with DS but nothing at all with the last pg. I even raised it as a concern with my Doctor at 6 weeks but she poo pooed me saying every pg is different. Unbeknown to me my bean had stopped growing by then .

So I'm trying to prepare for (hopefuly, fingers crossed) some sicky (and sticky!) weeks ahead. Right through the Christmas season but I don't care.

Only symptoms just now are I have lost my appetite and I have alot of saliva building up at the back of my throat.

Have read back this thread to read everyone's stories. I've just graduated from 'Emmsy's Angels' support after mc thread and they are a lovely bunch of girls, trying to move forward and get that elusive BFP.

Welcome Mumface - sorry to hear about your split from DH. Are you OK?

Scotlass - I'm a lass from Scotland too (Falkirk) and was in Glasgow on Friday sniffing all the candles in 'The White Company' - yum! check out Zara for shrugs also Coast although they were pretty expensive.

maz - were you on April 09 ante-natal? (I was 'foxymagoo' then). Cnongrats on your pg!

I'm avoiding the Aug 09 ante-natal thread for the time being, it was so sad having to bow out of the last one, just don't want to tempt fate. Have any of you joined them?