Therapy for severe gender disappointment

[HL321]

Hi everyone,

please no judgement here as I appreciate im in a really fortunate position compared to many people, I acknowledge that I think I’m having a mental health challenge. I just found out we’re having our second boy, and I will preface that I adore our son, but I am absolutely devastated not to be having a girl.

i feel like it’s gone beyond gender ‘disappointment’ - I feel very disconnected from my pregnancy and I went from being so excited to absolute dread in the instant I found out :( I keep trying to convince myself that the NIPT was wrong but I know at 99.9a% accuracy that’s not true! I had my 12 week scan recently and I felt nothing…in my head I said I wouldn’t be disappointed if there was something wrong with the baby and we had to terminate which is just not me at all (and if it came down to it I know this wouldn’t be true) but I am regretting getting pregnant despite it being very much planned and wanted. everywhere I go I am comparing myself to other families with girls and feeling even worse.

i think my fear is less so about having a boy but more so about never having a girl. I worry about our future with sons and not having the same mother/daughter close relationship with them, not getting to help plan a daughters wedding, being the ‘mother in law’, not having someone to care for us when we’re old as this is typically a female role. All ridiculous I know but I’m so in my own head.

I had the same with my son, not to this extent, but I was really gutted, however I always knew we would have a second and could have a girl then. It continued even beyond birth to feeling really jealous and resentful of friends having girls, so I’m thinking I probably need to address this now before the baby is born.

has anyone had therapy relating to gender disappointment who found it helpful? Im feeling very low and lost but hoping with some professional support I can work through it. Thanks so much x

It is ok. It's just feelings, that will pass.

There's no need to make someone feel like a bad person when they are struggling, for quite common and understandable feelings.

I have two beautiful boys and I find reading your post actually quite offensive. When you have a child the world should become about them, rather than you and your needs. Or it should do, anyway.

She can feel them all she wants, as long as she doesn’t socialise her children according to them.

This!

Sex selection abortion is illegal in the UK. If that is given as the reason for the abortion then prosecution may follow.
https://questions-statements.parliament.uk/written-questions/detail/2020-01-21/6069

Oh, right. That's quite wrong IMO, people should be able to abort for any reason they choose.

I don’t disagree but the right to choose includes the right to make choices I may personally find morally repellent. At leadt the PP was honest. Better an abortion than an unwanted child.

Im not here to judge you as I know gender dissapointment is very real for some people. However you have to put things in perspective when youre carrying a baby as their journey into the world is very fragile and lots of babies dont make ! My daughter has 3 precious girls and her 4th pregnancy was a baby boy. She was elated! The pregnancy ended very badly when baby passed in the womb at 23 weeks 4 days so we didn't get to have our baby boy after all. My advice to you is to be happy that your baby is healthy regardless of the sex and you should seek therapy for your extreme dissapointment. Good luck.

I agree that it’s often the wives who encourage their husbands to prioritise them over their mothers.

There are so many threads about it on here!

I think getting some therapy would help. A friend of mine was very depressed when she fell pregnant with her second boy. To pick apart some of these beliefs I would say -

In my family my sister is no contact with my parents and my brother is really in my mum’s pockets. I don’t think it falls clearly into set gender roles, that girls are closer to parents etc. My DH is a very dutiful son to his parents. The type of relationship you have with your child when they’re older depends a lot on how you show up for them when you’re younger.

Don’t underestimate how having two boys is a gift. Do you have siblings? I think especially as children it’s really nice to have a sibling of the same gender to play with. A ready made friend with similar interests. It potentially takes a huge load of you, makes things simpler etc.

A daughter might not want you anywhere near her wedding planning. My mum didn’t get any say in mine! And we recently went to a big wedding where the mother of the groom was all over it (the groom’s family paid for everything).

In-laws are difficult irrespective of whether you’re a man or a woman. Did you / do you have a difficult one? You won’t automatically be cast as a wicked witch, it just depends again how you show up in the relationship.

Also if you really felt this continued longing for a girl in future, you could go have IVF in a country that lets you choose gender like Cyprus. I might get blasted for saying this, but it is an option in future if you really want to so don’t feel like this is it.

Try to get some help though perhaps with a therapist who specialises in fertility issues. By getting help with a therapist, you are more likely to have the type of relationship with your children that will include all the things you think only happen with a girl. Good luck xx