Therapy for severe gender disappointment

[HL321]

Hi everyone,

please no judgement here as I appreciate im in a really fortunate position compared to many people, I acknowledge that I think I’m having a mental health challenge. I just found out we’re having our second boy, and I will preface that I adore our son, but I am absolutely devastated not to be having a girl.

i feel like it’s gone beyond gender ‘disappointment’ - I feel very disconnected from my pregnancy and I went from being so excited to absolute dread in the instant I found out :( I keep trying to convince myself that the NIPT was wrong but I know at 99.9a% accuracy that’s not true! I had my 12 week scan recently and I felt nothing…in my head I said I wouldn’t be disappointed if there was something wrong with the baby and we had to terminate which is just not me at all (and if it came down to it I know this wouldn’t be true) but I am regretting getting pregnant despite it being very much planned and wanted. everywhere I go I am comparing myself to other families with girls and feeling even worse.

i think my fear is less so about having a boy but more so about never having a girl. I worry about our future with sons and not having the same mother/daughter close relationship with them, not getting to help plan a daughters wedding, being the ‘mother in law’, not having someone to care for us when we’re old as this is typically a female role. All ridiculous I know but I’m so in my own head.

I had the same with my son, not to this extent, but I was really gutted, however I always knew we would have a second and could have a girl then. It continued even beyond birth to feeling really jealous and resentful of friends having girls, so I’m thinking I probably need to address this now before the baby is born.

has anyone had therapy relating to gender disappointment who found it helpful? Im feeling very low and lost but hoping with some professional support I can work through it. Thanks so much x

I had this conversation with a friend who was similar

My advice is the same
Dont ruin the life you have grieving for a parallel life that doesnt exist
Your feelings are your feelings
but that doesnt mean they are facts or based in reality...

This is fantasy land stuff...

She might be a tomboy who hates pink dresses and sitting nicely. Still desperately want this imaginary child?

mother/daughter close relationship with them .. its one of the most complex relationship, she may be non contact because she doesnt live up to your expectations and finds that hard

not getting to help plan a daughters wedding
She might never marry.. if she does she might elope....

not having someone to care for us
she might move to different continent ...

Get some therapy asap.

I hate these threads and I wish there was a separate forum for them, so I didn’t have to stumble across them. But here it is. OP why on earth did you get pregnant when you knew there was a 50% chance of you not wanting the baby? It’s too late for you to terminate now I assume, but if anyone else is reading this who feels so strongly, please, just don’t get pregnant.

Did you feel this strongly about a girl before getting pregnant the 2nd time? I wonder if it’s linked to pre natal depression if not. Your views on what a daughter’s role would be are not ok though OP. And you need to address that, even if you had a girl they’d be at a disadvantage being raised by a mum with your views.

I think anyone feeling this level of “gender disappointment” should terminate for the sake of the child. And don’t try to get pregnant again if the same outcome is likely.

First of all, please be kind to yourself. Gender disappointment is more common than people realize, and having these feelings does not make you a bad mother or mean you'll love your son any less.
The fact that these feelings are causing you significant distress, disconnecting you from your pregnancy, and bringing up thoughts that scare you is a good reason to seek support from a therapist. Many people find therapy incredibly helpful for processing grief around the future they imagined and adjusting to a different reality.
It's also worth remembering that the relationships we have with our children aren't determined by their gender. Mothers can have incredibly close, loving relationships with sons, and family roles don't have to follow traditional expectations.
You don't need to handle this alone. Reaching out for support now is a sign of strength, not failure. Wishing you healing and peace as you work through these feelings.

This is the reason many hospitals don’t even allow you to find out the sex

Sex. Not gender.

There’s always one

I totally agree with all of this.

OP, you appear to have a totally immature and uneducated attitude to what having children actually means. I do think you should get some therapy around this at least.

Yeah, and they're always correct.

We don’t have children to benefit us

Eh?

Pointless and unhelpful

It’s an exceptionally cringey thread but that’s the worse part of it. Plus not every daughter cares for their parent (s)

There a 50/50 chance of getting the sex you want. Maybe you need to think if another child is actually right for you

Oh stop, you do flatter me

You have disordered thinking. I had the same but the other way around. I was desperate for a boy, so much so that I could not find out the gender whilst pregnant because I was too scared to find out I was having a girl. It was ridiculous, but I do understand it.

I’m so sorry you feel like this OP. To reassure you, I’m as close to my adult DS as I am to my DDs, and also very close to my DIL who has a very strained relationship with her own mother. There’s no telling how things will work out. X

This thread is awful.

Reading about the expectations placed on this poor unborn baby had it been a girl, I'm quite relieved for its sake that it's not.

As a pp said - it's all me me me from the OP... what will this baby do for meeeee?

Definitely therapy.

You need to go and see your GP and tell them how you’re feeling. It may have very little to do with gender disappointment as you call it. That’s just somewhere to focus your very uncomfortable feelings. Talk to your GP as soon as you can.

definitley get some therapy!

I hate weddings - 2 girls in my family me and my sister - one eloped and i just had a registry office and a night out for mine - no planning a wedding, no big dress! I got engaged and just got married 3 months later.

Reading this makes me think it was probably better, in the days when you couldn’t find out the sex before birth.

Get some help and just love your baby. NO ONE asks to be born and NO ONE can choose their own sex.

definitely some therapy. blows my mind anyone gets pregnant when they only want a baby of one sex. It's a 50/50 chance regardless if you already have a boy.

No judgement from me OP as I felt similar when I found out my second baby was going to be another boy. I didn’t particularly feel disappointed that the baby was a boy, but it was because I knew it was going to be our last baby and so I knew that I would never get to experience having a daughter.

I’m part of a very close friendship group of four, we’ve all been best friends since we were 14 (we are early 40s now) and we each had two children. Two of my friends had a boy/girl mix and the other friend had two girls, and then I had two boys, so I’m the only one without a daughter.

When we all spend time together as a group (as our children are all similar ages) I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything and I love having two boys, I feel like we are such a special unit. They are so similar in looks, and character and I love that I had these non-twin identical boys that bring so much fun, joy and happiness to my life. They love each other so much, they are the best of friends, they do everything together, they have the same friends, the same hobbies and they spend all their spare time together. They inseparable and I think they have such a special entwined sibling relationship that I’m not sure they’d have if they were the opposite sex.

When I found out my second baby was going to be a second boy I felt genuine upset/disappointment for a week or so but that was for my own selfish reasons….because I had all these stereotypical ideas about what having a girl meant for me, and I was obsessed with thinking about what I thought I was going to miss out on. I soon realised how silly I was being and that a baby of either sex is wonderful and they will come with their own little unique personality. When my mindset had normalised and I started to embrace the thought of another boy coming into our lives I couldn’t wait!

Plus, when me and my DH were talking about having a second baby one of our biggest drivers was so that our first son would have a sibling, and when I started to think about things from his point of view, I knew that giving him a brother was going to be amazing!

My boys are the most precious things in the world and Boy number 2 only added to the joy and happiness in our life and I wouldn’t change him for anything.

Please speak to your midwife about how you’re feeling as I’m sure this is a very common phenomenon and hopefully with the right support you can things back on track and enjoy your pregnancy and look forward to welcoming your second son.

I would be really pissed off if my mum expected me to look after her in her old age.

I think you need much more help with regards the weight you put on your dcs.

Yes you need therapy

This ^ whilst I am close to my mum, many of her friends have daughters that they have difficult relationships with.

I also don't think of my MIL as a 'dreaded MIL' she has always made an effort with me and I hope she can say I reciprocate! We go away with the in laws every year and it's fab. My step mum is also the 'default' grandparent (for lack of better term) to her son's children. If they need a babysitter, they call her. She had two boys first and was desperate for a girl which she got third time round, but I would say she is closer to her sons.

I also have two boys and I honestly feel my second son has healed me after struggling with motherhood after my first. He melts into happiness whenever I smile at him and I really feel the love from him. Whilst my first had big feelings at the moment and his stubborn he is also loving and regularly tells me I'm a princess. My girl mum friends get some quite opposite comments from their pre schoolers!

i think you have done well to recognise you may need some help with this, I wonder if midwives already have resources for this?