Therapy for severe gender disappointment

[HL321]

Hi everyone,

please no judgement here as I appreciate im in a really fortunate position compared to many people, I acknowledge that I think I’m having a mental health challenge. I just found out we’re having our second boy, and I will preface that I adore our son, but I am absolutely devastated not to be having a girl.

i feel like it’s gone beyond gender ‘disappointment’ - I feel very disconnected from my pregnancy and I went from being so excited to absolute dread in the instant I found out :( I keep trying to convince myself that the NIPT was wrong but I know at 99.9a% accuracy that’s not true! I had my 12 week scan recently and I felt nothing…in my head I said I wouldn’t be disappointed if there was something wrong with the baby and we had to terminate which is just not me at all (and if it came down to it I know this wouldn’t be true) but I am regretting getting pregnant despite it being very much planned and wanted. everywhere I go I am comparing myself to other families with girls and feeling even worse.

i think my fear is less so about having a boy but more so about never having a girl. I worry about our future with sons and not having the same mother/daughter close relationship with them, not getting to help plan a daughters wedding, being the ‘mother in law’, not having someone to care for us when we’re old as this is typically a female role. All ridiculous I know but I’m so in my own head.

I had the same with my son, not to this extent, but I was really gutted, however I always knew we would have a second and could have a girl then. It continued even beyond birth to feeling really jealous and resentful of friends having girls, so I’m thinking I probably need to address this now before the baby is born.

has anyone had therapy relating to gender disappointment who found it helpful? Im feeling very low and lost but hoping with some professional support I can work through it. Thanks so much x

I was just about to post that many women would give anything and everything to be blessed with a baby.
I hope your dreams come true one day xxx

I think thats unfair. Thats like someone breaking their leg and someone saying what you moaning at at least you haven't got cancer.

I have 5 girls 😂
mans I can honestly at some times it’s been very overwhelming but I love them all.
ive longed for a boy, the idea to have a boy carry on the family name. Buying the blue outfits and my husband having the father son relationship.
majority of the time once the baby is born all the feelings of disappointment do go away.

Doing DD’s hair is my least favourite thing to do!

I wanted a girl and had 2 boys , I’ll admit to a moment of disappointment but I quickly realised that how could I have ever wanted a girl when I had just been gifted this amazing boy

There are plenty of people out there who would do anything to have a child of any gender. Poor baby boy. Give your head a wobble! IMO it’s very cruel of those fixated on having a particular gender to consider getting pregnant at all given its 50% change either way. It’s always women who want girls that do this and it’s really not on.

Sort yourself out. Nasty piece of work

Is it not super early to know the gender? Like before even your first scan??

you have done this to yourself, have you spoken to your dr about whatever anxiety led to you needing to know the gender so early? You also need to get help for the way that you are currently feeling.

poor baby though

edit. i forgot to say WTF is gender disappointment as a term when you are barely even 12 weeks pregnant. This label everything nonsense is bizarre to this old lady

Woah you need therapy to address your stereotypical view of boys and girls.

Exactly.

No experience but didn’t want to read and run, I think it’s a really good idea to have a chat with someone to help you get to the bottom of how you are feeling, perhaps your midwife could signpost someone suitable for you?
I worked for a charity helping the local community and the amount of amazing sons stepping up and helping their parents was as many as daughters.
I have 3 sons, when I was pregnant with my 3rd people had wrongly assumed I was trying for a girl. I’m so happy to be a boy mum, my sons are amazing little people.
A baby is a gift and deserves to be loved and cherished forwho they are, you know this, which is why you’re asking for help.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and I really hope by the time he arrives you feel positive and better x

What an awful thing to compare to.
everyone is entitled to have feelings.
you may not understand her feelings but they are hers.
don’t compare someone else’s experience to another’s. It’s nothing alike at all.

its like saying how can a billionaire who has everyone be depressed. Everyone has their own demons and feelings, and should never be downgraded because of someone else’s experience and feelings

You won't give birth to a gender stereotype, you will give birth to an individual child. A daughter may not get married. She would probably be working rather than caring for you. Sons are great.

OP, I’ve sent you a message. 💐

Bloody hell - you’re a ray of sunshine arent you 🤣

Mother here to two beautiful boys…….and you wouldn’t believe how much I know about football! They’re both brilliant at it and I love standing on the side of football pitches cheering them on!!

I’m extremely fulfilled by everything they have bought to my life (including various colours of t-shirts) ❤️

Wow hit a nerve there didn't I

I think your views on roles based on gender definitely needs some therapy and the fact you are pinning so much happiness for your own future on that of a baby of the right gender.
One day those little boys will be young men taller than you who can give the best hugs - bring them up right and you'll have a wonderful relationship with them

Talk to your midwife and get support. It’s ok to be a bit disappointed but your feelings sound too extreme and could be indicative of MH problems as you yourself suggested.

Here are some positive things: your DS will have a little brother to play with. This will be lovely for him. There’s nothing to stop you having a third baby if you want to and that could be a girl. I think we get the idea that sexes alternate and ‘most’ people have boy then girl or vice versa. We hear people talking about ‘one of each’ and assume that if we’ve had a baby of one sex, the next baby will be the other sex.

My first was a girl and I assumed my second would be a boy. It was only as the weeks went by that I had a feeling she was a girl. My first thought was a bit of disappointment, but then I looked through my first DDs little baby clothes and realised I could use them again. I also realised that my DD would have a little sister as company. My third baby was a boy - but, by then, I’d have been equally happy with either. I think second babies do make you think about their sex more, but then you realise that two of the same sex can be great too (and convenient - they often like similar things).

So, remind yourself the baby you should be wanting is a healthy baby above all else. Work on thinking of the positive things about having another boy. Think about these every day. Think of nice boy names. Imagine your DS1’s face knowing that he has a baby brother. Remind yourself you have the opportunity to have a girl in future.

But, most importantly, get support from your midwife x

Oh give it a rest. She’s lucky enough to have been able to get pregnant with healthy babies and she’s throwing a pity party over it. She needs to take a long hard look at how unbelievably lucky she is, realise her feelings are not in fact valid but are entirely irrational and simply, get over it. Or else she’s going to be raising a little boy who is fully aware his own mummy didn’t and doesn’t want him and would prefer a made up, none existent girl just because she can put pretty bows in her hair.

OP I hear you though I had the opposite problem. I'm the younger of two girls myself; my paternal grandmother had had only sons and was very clear that she'd preferred it that way (her own mother had favoured her brother).

My father made no effort to hide his 'ugh, another girl' sentiment about me and left my mother I think partly over this. When he had a son with his second wife, he showed a dedication he never had to my sister or me.

So when my second pregnancy turned out to be a girl, like my first, it really messed with my head. It brought all those memories tumbling back. What made it worse was that my mother didn't manage to hide her disappointment either, even though she tried.

I felt a right idiot for reproducing this family curse (so it felt), but I couldn't help my feelings. It was really, really tough for a few months. Some hope though; the disappointment faded. And when the girl was born, she wasn't 'a girl', she was my child just as much as her sister. She's lovely.

It's easy to tut for people who don't carry this sort of baggage. Count yourself lucky and stop judging. OP, do you need to revisit your childhood to make sense of your feelings (sorry, no time to read full thread)?

Oh FFS, OP, you have a totally nonsense view of mother-daughter relationships! Lots of daughters loathe their mothers, let's face it, and hardly or never see them.
And all this wedding bullshit? Maybe a daughter won't want to get married, or at least not in a traditional way.
As for expecting a female child to care for you in old age.... words fail me!
I, for one, am glad you're not having a daughter if it means that you won't be forcing outdated stereotypes on some poor, unsuspecting girl.
Just enjoy the children you have.... as the individuals that they are and will be.8

What makes you think its ok to tell people how they should feel

Therapy is a good idea. Also speak to your midwife especially if you think your mental health is suffering.