Therapy for severe gender disappointment

[HL321]

Hi everyone,

please no judgement here as I appreciate im in a really fortunate position compared to many people, I acknowledge that I think I’m having a mental health challenge. I just found out we’re having our second boy, and I will preface that I adore our son, but I am absolutely devastated not to be having a girl.

i feel like it’s gone beyond gender ‘disappointment’ - I feel very disconnected from my pregnancy and I went from being so excited to absolute dread in the instant I found out :( I keep trying to convince myself that the NIPT was wrong but I know at 99.9a% accuracy that’s not true! I had my 12 week scan recently and I felt nothing…in my head I said I wouldn’t be disappointed if there was something wrong with the baby and we had to terminate which is just not me at all (and if it came down to it I know this wouldn’t be true) but I am regretting getting pregnant despite it being very much planned and wanted. everywhere I go I am comparing myself to other families with girls and feeling even worse.

i think my fear is less so about having a boy but more so about never having a girl. I worry about our future with sons and not having the same mother/daughter close relationship with them, not getting to help plan a daughters wedding, being the ‘mother in law’, not having someone to care for us when we’re old as this is typically a female role. All ridiculous I know but I’m so in my own head.

I had the same with my son, not to this extent, but I was really gutted, however I always knew we would have a second and could have a girl then. It continued even beyond birth to feeling really jealous and resentful of friends having girls, so I’m thinking I probably need to address this now before the baby is born.

has anyone had therapy relating to gender disappointment who found it helpful? Im feeling very low and lost but hoping with some professional support I can work through it. Thanks so much x

Not having someone to care for you when you’re old because this is typically a female role? WTF.

Honestly I'm going try and be kind here but you need to sort this out - speak to your midwife asap or could develop into prenatal depression.

As a mother to two boys they are a joy - I don't feel I've missed out on anything by not having girls there's zero guarantee if you had a girl you'd have this future you're imagining anyway.

I think some therapy would definitely help you, but I imagine that you will discover, with counselling, that this is something much more than gender disappointment. You acknowledge that what you are feeling is not rational, and there is likely a trigger which is deeper than ‘not helping plan a daughter’s wedding’. You need help because your thoughts about your scan are worrying.

not being the mother in law? She might not want to get married!
If you’ve only just found out, then your feelings might settle and you’ll start to get excited. You should de-myth the stereotypes you have about girls and women though.

I think you need to dig into your preconceived ideas of why your child needs to be the same as you to be loved by you. Because boy or girl, you’re setting yourself up to be a narcissistic mother who only wants a mini clone. You can reflect on that in therapy or by yourself.

Listen to your disappointment, let your self feel all of it, write down alll your fears and feelings about it. Acknowledge that you don’t mean to feel this way but also that it’s not helpful or healthy for you. Then write down all the amazing things about having two boys - a band of brothers, their close bond, knowing what you’re doing second time around, two strong lads to help you out with everything in future! Write down everything you love about your son.

Speak to your GP possibly because you don’t want PND to set in after the birth. Get some support.

This is the strangest part for me! Also OP, I am far closer to my DS than any of my friends are with their DDs.

You need to teach your boys to be kind and also teach them domestic and life skills as they grow. My husband is the best cook, cleaner, laundry person and also cared for both his parents and helps with mine. And no, no-one else can have him LOL!

Even if you had a daughter, none of the things you imagine in your head are guaranteed. She may not have the same interests as you, she may choose to never get married, she may choose to get married but not want help with planning it, she may never had kids, she may not want to be the carer in old age. None of these should be thrust upon a daughter anyway.

I’m not saying therapy is a bad idea. But as somebody who wrestled with their MH for decades, do get checked for underlying organic causes.

For myself personally, I’m really sensitive to hormonal changes (HRT quite literally saved my life). Then my thyroid broke and aside from being knackered, the main feature was altered thinking. I also have to be interested than I like about my ferritin, vit d and B12 levels. Because the first sign of them not being optimal (not within the normal range, but OPTIMAL) is that my thinking alters.

I’ve had to rope DH into the monitoring because in a state of altered thinking I’m not even a little bit focused on potential organic causes, only focusing on the thing my brain has decided is the end of my world as I know it.

Massive hug.

Maybe try getting angry on your existing son's behalf. What would you say if someone said it's a pity he's not a girl? Or offered to swap him for a female child? I imagine you'd tell them he's perfect as he is and you wouldn't swap him for the world? The same applies for your new baby.

Therapy would be a good idea, not just to talk about your feelings of disappointment, but also what seem to be very set ideas about gender roles. A daughter might have had no interest in weddings or taking on a caring role in later years. Your boys might also confound your expectations.

My mother had a similar view to you, in that she thought boys and girls had set roles in a family. I had to do the chores when I came home from school (including lifting my brother's feet to hoover underneath them as he watched TV). I was taught how to make tea when guests came etc.
In a way, her preconceived ideas of what it would mean to have a girl have been totally destructive to any mother-daughter relationship we might have had. I mean this kindly OP, but I think it may be for the best that you will have two wonderful boys

I think you have pre-natal depression its not common but your first priority is to contact your GP and if you have a midwife let her know to. you need to get this sorted now

This probably isn’t helpful if you cannot change your mindset at all, but please try to seperate your own needs from your children’s lives.

Everything you’ve listed are things that you want to benefit from, being the mother of the bride and the maternal grandmother and keeping a close girly relationship and having a carer when you’re old are all about you. We don’t have children to benefit us, we have children to love and care for them. I used to think I really wanted a daughter when I was younger.

When I was 26, I had my first boy who I absolutely adore, he is my little best friend. Now I’m 29 and pregnant with my second and last, I desperately wanted another boy. Why? Because I want my first to have a brother more than I want me to have a daughter. That little boy is my whole world. If I ever change my mind and have a 3rd, I would want another boy because as a girl with a sister I would rather my boys all have eachother to grow up with than my daughter have no sisters.

It’s never about us but always about the little people we bring into the world. They didn’t choose to be here. Okay so il never get to be a maternal grandmother, that’s so fine by me because I will have all the motivation to be the best MIL to my future daughter in laws, respecting their wishes, boundaries and needs, I can go on sister trips whilst my sons and nephews stay with their dads, I can take trips and vacations with my husband to fill my cup instead of expecting my children to fill it for me. A daughter doesn’t guarantee a closer relationship mind you, my husband and his 5 brothers are extremely close to their mum, we call her every day and we see her just as much as my mum.

I would get therapy if you feel you need it.

Asking anything around this subject here will not help nor be very kind to you.

Armchair shrink here but my first thought was whether you’d subconsciously hoped to parent a girl in the way you wish you had been parented yourself- that by doing it for her you could heal something in yourself. Some therapy sounds like a good idea.

God these repies are horrible. You've literally said you suspect it's a mental health thing and people are giving you a kicking. @Thuraya17 lists some things she's excited about that come with being a boy mum - as well as trying to tackle the mental health stuff, maybe try and come up with your own list.
Pregnancy is crazy, don't beat yourself up about it.

I think therapy is a good idea. I wonder if the real issue is not ‘not planning a wedding’ or ‘being the mother in law’ but something deeper around feeling the need for a ‘guaranteed’ deep, long term connection? That you think you’ll get this from a female child because perhaps it’s been lacking in the male relationships you have? I suspect you have an unmet need that you think a daughter can meet. If you can understand that need better, I think you’ll be in a stronger position to find other ways of meeting that need.

I think you owe it to your sons to try and find acceptance and peace with having them and also owe it to yourself to identify what it is that’s missing in your life to feel this way.

Maybe therapy would help. Gender disappointment seems to carry an in-built notion of what the child will be - a sort of Disney-perfect version of an idealised person. In reality, you could have a daughter who turns out to be a real tomboy or never wants to marry, who has health problems that cause you endless anxieties and dominate your life, or who is simply sulky and demanding, or has nothing in common with you. Or moves to the far side of the world and forgets to phone you on your birthday.

You could have a son who is gentle and kind, who shares your interests, sense of humour and is emotionally intelligent. I have.

Each baby is an individual and you cannot guess in advance who that person will be. I have two DSs close in age. They could not be more different.

Just to second as well the earlier poster who said to report your feelings to your midwife. I don't know if you were thinking about a private therapist, but I'd keep your midwife in the loop.

My DH is one of three boys and the way he (and to a lesser extent his brothers, but they’re further away) cares for his mum is gorgeous and everything I want to do for my own folks when they need more help.
Treat sons right as they grow up and they’ll be kind, good people just like girls would be!

i think my fear is less so about having a boy but more so about never having a girl. I worry about our future with sons and not having the same mother/daughter close relationship with them, not getting to help plan a daughters wedding, being the ‘mother in law’, not having someone to care for us when we’re old as this is typically a female role. All ridiculous I know but I’m so in my own head

Just for balance, my niece got married in Vegas & had only a few friends attending, no family. That's what they wanted ... now they are planning to move to Australia for various reasons.

Boy/ Girl you don't know where the future takes them.
You don't have children for your own convenience.